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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help, boyfriend hasn't come home. AIBU to want to call the police?

487 replies

Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 09:09

He has form for coming in at 6/7 am after an all nighter but this is really late for him. His phone is off. Starting to get worried. What's the next logical step here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 04/03/2016 10:55

i've removed anything keyrings he got me, I'm also going to go home tonight (when I feel like it...!) and gut the place. I am absolutely devastated and I can stop crying and thinking about him but that's normal right?

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Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 04/03/2016 10:56

Anyone got any tips for NOT feeling like I want to take a long walk off a short cliff? I'd appreciate any advice on how to get through the next couple of days.

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SquadGoals · 04/03/2016 11:02

Try not to think of it in days, more like just getting to the next hour. Once you've done one hour, you can do two etc.

Can you take overtime at work to keep you busy? Arrange to see friends in the week/at the weekend?

Reading and box sets really helped me when I split with my ex. House of Cards Season 4 has just come out. Get onto Netflix for those early hours of the morning if you can't get back to sleep.

It will get easier eventually. You are grieving for your relationship.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 04/03/2016 11:08

Feel your feelings, cry, weep, see friends, drink wine, exercise, house spring cleaning. Patience!

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 04/03/2016 11:10

Thank you so much for that. I will do all of those things. Overtime I can do because there is a lot of work on. It's unpaid but will help my career here and I need to keep that healthy and strong. They've already seen me cry this week. Netflix, yes. Time to get in to a new series. I've been invited to a gig tonight and I'll probably go. Tomorrow is flat clear up, gym and The Voice. Sunday is church, lunch and then church group.

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Lweji · 04/03/2016 12:24

I'd get out and try to get some decent sunshine.

Skylander01 · 04/03/2016 13:07

I lived this for a while. I was absolutely heartbroken when he finally gave me no choice but to leave. I didn't think I would ever get over it but I did - and if you get out of your relationship - you will too. There is a life afterwards - it may not be as exciting with the falling out and making up afterwards, but I am so glad I am not living like that anymore. With my ex - it was drugs and other women. yeuch! I hope you eventually find the strength you need. He actually met somebody else and settled down too - so it was obviously me not making him happy for whatever reason. He still contacts me now though which isn't a good sign for his wife. I stopped responding because it isn't right on my husband and kids.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 04/03/2016 15:46

Well done you for being strong and getting over it Skylander01, and for realising that continued contact with him is now unhealthy.

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fadingfast · 04/03/2016 16:47

Just remember that the right decisions can still feel very 'wrong' and it's only with a bit of distance that you can accept it is the right thing to do.

Do whatever you need to get through it Flowers

Buzzardbird · 04/03/2016 17:11

Stay strong Grape

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 04/03/2016 17:24

Getting there for sure. I've been going through the thought process a lot today (I've done hardly any work!) and I now live on my own. That is a scary thought. The hardest bit is going to be clearing the flat and dealing with all of that. But I need to start making new memories and building new associations and that will make it easier.

We went for a beer (DP/ExDP and I) and I thought to myself: That's a memory not associated with the relationship, it's the first one. There will be many more over time. I have to work through my autism and define a new normal.

We have "redefined our relationship" and want to remain friends. My grief is too raw right now for me to know if that will work in the long run, but he wants to be nice, amicable and lovely and I'm happy to let him be.

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Skittlesss · 04/03/2016 18:02

Hi chick,

I'm a long time lurker, in fact I can't remember ever posting here, but I lurk quite often. Your thread just made me want to give you such a big cuddle.

You are, honestly, worth so much more than this and right now you are suffering, but in time you will be fine. you really will.

Keep busy and stop all contact with him. Don't go for a beer etc. He was a crap boyfriend and he will be a crap friend. Cut all ties, it'll be hard but in the long run you'll be better off for it.

You'll meet a guy who deserves you. I promise it'll happen one day, in th3 meantime focus on yourself and keep busy. You sound to have a few activities in your life, so keep on with them and eventually it'll all get easier.

You can do this xx

Lweji · 04/03/2016 18:14

Be very careful.
You may end up as no strings sex and you'll still be under his influence.

LIZS · 04/03/2016 18:39

Agree tread very carefully. Tbh I think a clean break would be easier for you in the long term.

Arrowfanatic · 04/03/2016 18:48

Staying friends doesn't work. My ex played so many mind games with me, he would dumo me periodically when he felt he needed the "freedom" and would say he didn't love me and then a few weeks later he'd be back begging for another chance and like a sap I would. I'd get him for a few more months, he'd be all over me for constant sex and then once he had it out his system dump me again and repeat.

Eventually I just realised we couldn't have any contact and I ignored his final attempt to lure me back in. 8 months later I met my now husband, he's not perfect of course as what man is but he's such a kind soul who adores me and I love him.

If I could say anything I'd say DON'T STAY FRIENDS!!!!!!!

PossiblyAspie · 04/03/2016 22:02

Well done for getting this far, but you're not done yet. It seems to me you have defined your adult life so far through your relationships with men. You need to stop doing that. As long as you're trying to make your friendship work with this man you're still caught in the same trap. Everything is still about how you relate to him, not about how you relate to yourself. This is exactly what he wants, and he will work hard to keep you on the hook. He will not help you become a more independent person.

I think your focus for the next while should be to get to a place where you are free from strong feelings focused around a possible romantic relationship. That should be your "new normal". Enjoy spending time alone, enjoy the calmness of not having to feel so strongly about someone else all the time. I know it seems like an huge task, and it isn't a quick process, but it is possible. You can get there, and when you do you'll be strong enough to find a man who wants to help you become even stronger. The first step is ending this relationship completely.

Oh, and one very important point you've maybe not recognised. You ended the relationship. You gave him (indirectly) an ultimatum to change his behaviour and he didn't want to. Him dumping you is the equivalent of him quitting a job because he was getting in trouble for being drunk at work. In that situation, would an employer be sad to see the back of him? No, she would have fired his arse the next time he came in smelling of booze. He jumped before he was pushed.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 05/03/2016 08:12

Have woken up and cried a lot today and I just want him to come home. I can't believe this is it.

I am coping though in the practical sense, I'm going to work, meeting clients, doing gigs, going to gigs and being normal - but also being honest about the fact that I am very sad about what has happened.

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Lweji · 05/03/2016 08:46

What happens if he comes by today to help you, says he does love you but he needs his independence?
Would you want him back?

What is it that you miss about him?

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 05/03/2016 12:09

He won't. He's been making his new room "homely" and getting out and about. He doesn't want me.

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Cheby · 05/03/2016 13:03

Delurking here Grape to agree with the other posters saying don't try to be friends. I was in a very similar situation to you 10 years or so ago. Totally dependent on my partner of 3 years who treated me like shit. He broke it off in the end and I begged him not to, even though he was abusive (physically as well as emotionally) to me.

We 'stayed friends' which actually meant him using me for sex for a further 3 years, me getting upset every time it failed to reignite the relationship and him dangling the possibility of getting back together every time I got near starting a new relationship with someone else.

It was completely disfuntional. Eventually I moved to the other end of the country and we cut all contact. Best thing I EVER did. It hurst very badly for a while, even through o was having fun in my new city/job. But eventually it faded and within a year I barely thought about him.

Clean breaks, especially in your situation, are so important. You need space to step back and see his awful behaviour for what it is, and not have it buried under your feelings for him at the moment. X

Choughed · 05/03/2016 14:23

Sending you lots of good wishes Grape, you sound lovely. Try to keep busy, spend time with friends, look after yourself, spoil yourself. Don't let the bastard drag you down.

lertgush · 05/03/2016 14:38

It's completely to be expected that you feel sad and you miss him and you want him to come home.

Keep yourself busy. With time it will get easier. I've been there.

Please please please don't take him back.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 05/03/2016 18:45

Woah, huge low moment. Once again, I just don't think I can do this. I can't, it's too painful. He's gone forever and with him, he's taken the future we planned and he's taken that part of me that grew and loved being with him. I'm totally on my own and the flat has never seemed so big. I can't sleep, I can't keep food down. I can't relax because the minute in my distracting myself wth friends, tv or music I'm heartbroken all over again and the pain is fresh, raw.

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LIZS · 05/03/2016 19:06

I really doubt you shared the same view of the future. He has been abusive and manipulative. When you feel sad think about all the times he left you by yourself , to worry and failed to keep promises, get angry instead, Fortunately although it is painful now, it needn't be longer term.

Cheby · 05/03/2016 20:38

What you're grieving for was lost the moment he started treating you the way he did. I truly do understand the feeling. It's awful. I wanted nothing in the world more than to have my ex back, but I was in denial about the way he treated me. I wanted a version of him that no longer existed, and that's what you're grieving for too.

It is painful and it does hurt but you will get through this. Can you do something to keep busy? Cleaning? Batch cooking for the next month? It'll keep you occupied and give you something to focus on.