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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help, boyfriend hasn't come home. AIBU to want to call the police?

487 replies

Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 09:09

He has form for coming in at 6/7 am after an all nighter but this is really late for him. His phone is off. Starting to get worried. What's the next logical step here?

OP posts:
Openmindedmonkey · 29/02/2016 21:54

Just caught up with your thread, OP. It's so wonderful to see that you are out of there & away from him - congratulations!
Keep strong & focus on your future; be proud of yourself, as time goes on your pain will diminish & your life become so much more joyful Flowers

Choughed · 29/02/2016 22:01

Well done OP. Keep going.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 01/03/2016 00:35

Low moment. I just got in. I'm alone, I feel like shit and I can't believe he could treat me like this. I am totally, completely and utterly alone.

I am thinking some dark things right now. People have break ups all the time, I know, but I have never been "dumped" before. Oh God.

OP posts:
seoulsurvivor · 01/03/2016 00:56

Hugs to you OP. I've been there with partner who treats me like shit but then feeling 100 times worse after the break up.

You are better without him, however hard it is to believe.

RhiWrites · 01/03/2016 01:40

OP you haven't been dumped. In a couple of days he will take it back, tell
You to stop being so silly and come home. You might get some cheap flowers or chocolates.

But all through this you have been realising that this isn't what you want. The real break up is still to come and it's on your side. You have to woman up and do your own dumping. This isn't over yet.

Stay strong. Believe in yourself. You are worth more than this. Things will be better when you tell yourself you want this to be over.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 02/03/2016 06:47

Haven't heard from or seen him for two days. I started off very upset and just desperate for him to come home and fix this. However...it's all about him isn't it.

HE wanted me to leave after he broke up with me because he wanted time to himself to think/cry/whatever. He's staying out with friends right now because HE feels depressed and needs to think about what he wants. It's all about him.

Even if by some miracle he did come back and say he had made a terrible mistake, look at what he's done.

He has treated me so badly, even in how he had broken up with me. It's all been about him, how he feels and what he wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 02/03/2016 06:50

He has just left me, supposedly his love, to myself to cry alone. I have been throwing myself into work and activities to cope but he doesn't know that. I haven't been updating social media or been public about any of this. For all he knows, based on my history of depression, I could be in a much worse place.

He has still turned his phone off. What does that say?

Luckily, I'm made of stronger stuff than I give myself credit for but he just does not care. That says it all really.

OP posts:
miakulpa · 02/03/2016 07:13

You'll get through this. Are you at home still? Can you arrange somewhere to stay for a few weeks maybe to sort yourself out? I agree with others that he'll try to make up with you and it would be good for you to be out of the way while you sort out your head. Good luck!

Lweji · 02/03/2016 07:22

I see two possibilities
In one he's punishing you for standing up for yourself. This is what he has been doing for ages but amplified so you know your place.
In the other he does have someone else and he's staying with her.

Either way I think you should work on the assumption that it's over and sort out your single life without his input in the matter.

Penfold007 · 02/03/2016 08:01

Grape he's told you it's over please just accept that. If he kept in touch, consoled or checked up on you that would send out confusing messages and that wouldn't help your well being.

Your mental health and well being isn't his responsibility, if you feel you may not be coping please see your doctor.

You deserve better than the way he treated you.

JonSnowKnowsNowt · 02/03/2016 08:19

Grape - you sound like an absolutely lovely person, and I think that though all this feels awful now, you will look back in 5 years time and thank your lucky stars that it happened. You're far from the only person to make bad relationship choices in your 20s and early 30s. So many women do. The fortunate ones are those who learn from them and make good choices for the really crucial years that follow. I wish you all the best.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 02/03/2016 08:52

Very true :) I accept my wellbeing isn't his responsibility anymore. It does hurt to type that. Luckily, I am coping at the moment and have been busy at work, with the band, writing and basically carrying on as usual. As far as the world is concerned, I'm massively devastated by what's happened but it's business as usual. I can't afford to fall apart.

Hopefully this carries on.

I'm at home at the moment, he's said that after a few days of drinking, slagging me off and putting anything up his nose that will go up there finding himself, he will come home and we can plan the next steps, who keeps the flat on, what happens.

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 02/03/2016 09:52

Your well being has never been his responsibility, or even on his radar.

BonitaFangita · 02/03/2016 18:17

Whatever you do Grape make sure your next step isn't moving back in and letting him behave like nothing happened.
Take each day at a time, when you truly realise that your happiness and well being are in your hands you'll feel so much stronger.
Try to keep contact to a minimum and keep busy, you're doing great Flowers

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 04/03/2016 08:09

He is moving out this weekend. I'm surrounded by reminders of him and it's killing me. I can't do this! We are definitely broken up though. He is dead set.

Wants to stay friends. I just want him.

I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/03/2016 08:24

Hugs.

I wouldn't stay friends. It will be harder for you.

Change the reminders. Redecorate. Throw away gifts. Then relax at home not wondering where he is or what he's doing.
And ask yourself why exactly you want him.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 04/03/2016 08:29

Fuck staying friends, honestly

LIZS · 04/03/2016 08:33

Think positive. There is no point wasting energy on him anymore, he doesn't deserve or want it. I'd put money on there being someone else willing to put up with his behaviour, or perhaps be part of it.

Bag up the "reminders" and have a spring clean , rearranging furniture to suit your needs, change decor. Put yourself first for once. Could your friends come over and help you purge the flat of him?

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 04/03/2016 09:37

You're so right. At work at the moment but all I've done is cry. It's awful, I'm known for being someone who is always happy.

Going to have a flat revamp over the weekend and bag up anything he has left behind. I think staying friends is nice as we have always got on really well on that level, the romantic level has been on the wane for a long time anyway.

But, some distance first is key I think. He's coming to help me spruce the place up tomorrow, he's staying with a friend so is safe.

One of my friends might move in. If not, I can afford to live here by myself if I live on beans on toast for a while until I find someone.

He has also said he will pay his half of next month and the month after if someone hasn't moved in.

:)

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/03/2016 09:43

Please don't have him helping you spruce up the place.

I suspect he'll enjoy having you still in thrall. Don't.

You are an independent woman and you don't need him.

Sell whatever he leaves behind. At least it will buy you some nicer beans. :)

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 04/03/2016 09:48

Sorry, when I say spruce up, I mean make tidier and cleaner. I need it to be up to code if I'm going to find someone to move in and he can help out with that, thank you very much :)

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/03/2016 09:49

In that case, I'd find something to do out of the house and let him to his own devices. Wink
Say you'll be back in 5 min and show up late afternoon.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 04/03/2016 10:05

Thanks for your messages, they are getting me through this.

OP posts:
BathshebaDarkstone · 04/03/2016 10:13

I've just caught up with the thread, well done, Grape! Hope you had a good night last night. Smile

ImperialBlether · 04/03/2016 10:26

It seems as though you are hooked on him just as he's hooked on booze and drugs. Just as you can see it's terrible for him to be addicted to something that will destroy him, we can see it's terrible for you to be addicted to something that will destroy you.

You are clearly religious as you attend a church group and you talk of miracles, ie him coming back to you. Have a think about miracles - maybe one has happened and it's that he has left you because you are unable to leave him? You will end up healthier and happier as a result of this break up. I know it's hard for you to see that now, but it's true.

I would forget about staying friends. Okay, if you pass him in the street you could say hello, but I think you should avoid the places he normally goes to and don't talk to people who will pass on information to him. He's not been a good friend to you and you need to surround yourself with healthy relationships.