to not be able to let this go.

[IHeartKingThistle]

I've posted about this before, sorry.

16 months ago my 7 year old had an accident at my parents house. They were doing some renovations and their bannisters had been removed. It was an accident, we were being careful, there's no blame to dole out. She came off the stairs and suffered a skull fracture. It was awful. My parents were devastated. I was very careful not to make them feel bad, and to be honest I played down how awful it was in hospital and how long it took her to recover.

She's fine now. She's 9, she has no lasting effects. We were very very lucky.

But there are still no bannisters on the stairs. They have continued to do up the house, but show no signs of doing the stairs. I haven't left the DC there without me since it happened (they used to go for weekends fairly often). I have told them that the DC are still nervous about the stairs (we have a younger one too who witnessed the accident). Every time I bring it up I get long emotional messages about how bad they feel and how nothing is more important than the DCs. But I don't think they are going to do the stairs. I don't want to talk about it any more, I just want them to make it safe. If I talk to my siblings about it they tell me not to criticise my parents because they feel bad enough about the accident as it is. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes. I have now stopped bringing it up altogether, but we don't visit nearly as much because I struggle to be in the house. They never mention this, ever.

But they adore the DC. Adore them. They want to be with them. They are amazing grandparents. And I know stairs are expensive, but, but, AIBU to feel like this? I just can't get my head round why they won't do it. It's getting to the point where I need to just accept it, but I can't.

I think by overwhelming consensus, YANBU, but I am baffled as to what their motives can possibly be for digging their heels in about it. OP, what do YOU think? To me it's like they are trying to prove that the accident was a complete fluke and in no way linked to the state of their stairs - "look, they've been like this for ages now and NO ONE ELSE has fallen down them"!

Trouble is, I don't think everything will magically be resolved even if they do go and fix them now, because you resent them for continuing to put their DGC at risk, and i don't blame you.

Sorry, didn't mean to post and run! Iheart, our parents are obviously from the same gene pool!

Sorry to hear that this thread is making you feel shaky. There is lots of good advice above. You can't try to rationalise this with your parents, nor will you probably be able to change them. You don't have to be confrontational with your parents. You need to just be clear in your own mind that you are not overreacting and that your dcs don't deserve this stress.

You can ask them to put up banisters, again, if you want to, but just make sure that your dcs are not available to visit without you until the thing is fixed. And if it is too stressful for you to go often to supervise them, then your dps with either have to come to you, or talk on the phone.

If your ds gets involved saying that her children are fine there, then just smile and nod. Maybe hers are fine. Hers weren't traumatised by seeing the accident, and yours were. So yours won't visit so often.

And then go and enjoy the sunshine this weekend with your lovely dcs.

I meant 'the whole family' as in you, dh and your dc sign it, or perhaps just you & dh. Maybe a letter would give them more pause for thought and let them know how serious you feel about it. Less hard to ignore.

You don't need any other family members' support. You don't even need your dh's support. You have to be the champion for your own child, you are in the right to not go there if the house is unsafe.

they would do anything for these kids

Sorry to say it, but aren't you a bit in denial yourself? No they won't do anything for your DC. That's a mantra you are repeating a lot on this thread. That, and how much they "adore" their DGC. Really?

What would it take for them to get a quote done for the bannister, isn't that the elephant in the room here? They aren't even moving things forward and showing they want to improve the situation. That's the saddest part, the net loser is your DD.

Thank you for being lovely. I know I'll never tell them how awful it was but I will address it with them. I'm not due down there for a while - they come here to babysit, they don't ask to have them there any more but never mention why - so I can wait until my dad's earning again. I will adress it; I have to.

Thanks for letting me talk. Now I'm going to clean the hell out of my bathroom and forget about it for a bit.

Thank you

OP it's very common that the rest of the family falls into line with a dysfunctional dynamic - it's actually the fact that your DSIS immediately took their side and ignored your (very reasonable) concerns that makes me most convinced that this goes deeper than the current situation.

It doesn't been that they're bad people exactly, or that they don't love you - it's just that they've learnt unhelpful ways of dealing with emotions that their own experience's of life have left them unable to handle - clearly conflict in your DM's case. But this can be very problematic within the rest of the family.

I would guess that your DM feels extremely guilty, but can't handle such a strong negative emotion, so instead of acknowledging it she projects it on to you - i.e., thinks that you are the one who is saying she is to blame. Then any effort you make to actually make the staircase safer, becomes you attacking her and telling her she's guilty, and she is then the good person, defending herself from your attacks. Or something like that - I don't know exactly - but it's the kind of twist in logic which leaves you feeling like you are crazy.

Iggi is right though, the practical question is what to do about it and how to actually respond to the situation

Have fun cleaning the bathroom

Just read the full thread. Obviously you know now YANBU as we all agree with you. I think it was very gracious of you not to blame your parents for the original accident. They or you probably didn't think your dd could fall BUT now they have no excuse. If it had been me a temporary bannister would have been fitted before you'd had time to call from the hospital with an update. Id have been distraught and would berate myself for not recognising the danger and would be saying to you I've fixed the problem, it'll never happen again.
Do they not think of your dd having to use those stairs that are still dangerous. It must bring back memories of the accident or her. I broke my leg slipping on a stepladder I am so damn careful now and DH threw out the stepladder I fell off so Id never have to see it again.

You need to make sure your parents know how seriously hurt your dd was and how much worse it could have been.

Stay strong and clean the hell out of that bathroom!

OP. How traumatic for you and your parents' reaction would of course make it far far harder to process and move forward from.

Just want to echo all of notquitegrownup's post of 13.12.25.

Your feelings are of course utterly reasonable and it's a shame your parents/family have made this so much harder for you, both by their stance and by being so dismissive of your feelings that they've got you wondering if you're the one in the wrong!

Of course you're not remotely unreasonable. But your own reasonable strategies won't break through all this loaded denial they've got going on, sadly.

It was a hugely traumatic thing to happen and the "family rule" of "not upsetting your mother/parents" sounds like it takes precedence over everything.

It's very hard when something comes up that means you have to break the unwritten family rules to protect yourself and your children. Funnily enough, that's when most of us finally feel we can/need to, when we see our children affected. I think your sister would find she feels very differently if was her child it had happened to...

I know I'd never have felt I could have broken the family rules for myself (my mother, very similar, it's very hard and anxiety-provoking even now to face the guilt of breaking the rules of never saying anything negative about her etc, due to her feelings and the importance of not upsetting her always being paramount). It doesnt leave you anywhere to turn when she is actually doing very upsetting things like this, does it?

You've every right to feel how you feel, and do whatever you feel comfortable with. The only practical suggestion I have is to only go to their house in whatever way genuinely makes you comfortable (so only going there without DC or only seeing your parents in other places not their home, whatever makes you feel okay).

And when they question this, use the broken record technique of "We'd love to all come over, when the bannisters is fixed" And when the guilt starts about why they can't do it now just do the "That's a shame," and offer again to have them over instead. So they can't claim you're not letting them see the DC etc, you're offering them that, just waiting until you feel the house is safe for your dc before you meet them in their house.

They may all claim you're unreasonable to feel as you do but they have no right to.

Sorry if all this has been said already, I can't read the whole thread atm but have read all your posts, and I'm really a lurker who doesn't post but it seems wholly unfair that you're being made to feel like this when you bent over backwards and minimised your own distress to save them upset - and then they continue on like this..

And DinosaursRoar, for you too, so very sorry for your loss and your mother's reaction in the midst of it - glad you have your PILs to show how things should be in supporting you.

I'd go with writing a letter. I'd detail what your DD went through, too. I'd never have minimised it, tbh. Then tell them, no more visits there until that bannister is fixed. They are beyond stupid not to have one. They could just as easily fall off the stairs like that.

I think at this point they may have some weird psychological barrier to putting up the bannister. Almost as though by doing it they have to admit to themselves that your DD's accident was preventable.

Whether or not that is true, I wouldn't be letting my DC go round either. YANBU and I think the fact no one in the family is supporting you is making you doubt yourself.

Of course it could happen again, DC can't be watched every second when they're that age. And getting it fixed could offer you some kind of closure.

I would say, politely, kindly and firmly, that you would like to know what their plans are for the staircase.

This is almost incomprehensible.

Of course they should get the banisters fixed, not just to prevent children being injured again, but anyone being injured!

It seems very unlikely no-one will be going up the stairs who needs a hand at some point- my husband is unsteady on his feet, some of my older relations would need it.

It's not a child-safety measure, it's an everyone safety measure.

I think everyone has given you great advice, being direct is the only way here, you will upset them because they get upset about everything but that doesn't mean it's not a valid argument, you are completely in the right here.

Sounds like the elephant in the room. They never ask the kids to stay? You never offer? Maybe they think you don't trust them. I think you tell them that you love and trust them with the dc but for everyone peace of mind, esp your daughters, banisters have to be there.

AS so many posters have said, YANBU at all. It's not a case of "letting it go" - it won't feel finished until they rectify the danger aspect that allowed your DD to fracture her skull!!

I'd be hopping mad if they didn't fix that, pronto.

But I guess that, now they know someone could fall off and hurt themselves very badly, they "know" to avoid that by taking closer notice of what children in their house are up to.

Not good enough for me either.

Your parents sounds like emotional blackmailers as well - this whole "we're so upset, you shouldn't upset us like this" nonsense is dreadful and allows them to continue in their "we're so sensitive and important, you need to always look after OUR Feelings", rather than offering any kind of meaningful support. :(

Haven't read whole thread. Oh my goodness, OP, I agree with everyone else. Yanbu AT ALL. Your parents are though. They pay lip service to how much they love your dc and how terribly guilty they feel....but their actions say otherwise. It boggles the mind that they have not fixed the stairs.

You know what I think? I think they blame you for the accident to keep from acknowledging their responsibility for not having banisters that contributed to your dd's fall and by not fixing the stairs they maintain their "innocence."

I would Outright say why haven't you put up a bannister, offer to do it and if they refuse then say you are upset by the stairs not being safe and threaten not to visit.

Hey mum and dad, we love you and want to spend time with you but the stairs need sorting. I am so reluctant to bring this up as i know you are hurting over dds accidnet and feel guilty. But at the end of the day that accident must never be repeated and dd has to be Safe. We were extremaly fortunate that she has made a full recovery but have been told in no uncertain terms that a lny subsequent injury to her skull would cause unrepairable damage at best or be fatal at worst.

Your mother, with your father and your sister backing her, has for years projected an image of herself that is beyond reproach. In her eyes, she does not make mistakes like this, therefore she does not apologize for mistakes she doesn't make (in her view). I bet she's apologized for everything under the sun except for not fixing the banisters. Fixing the banisters would be conceding to you that she bears some responsibility, no matter how unintentional, for your dd's fall. She will not acknowledge even a minuscule jot of responsibility. Your family are falling right in line behind her, defending her "honor." She would never do anything to hurt your dc. Yet she won't fix the banisters after your dd got a skull fracture from falling from your her staircase.

Words of one syllable: "The children will not be visiting your house until the bannister is sorted". That's it. No discussion, no justification, no debate to and fro.

Repeat as a required.
Be a broken record.

I am glad your DD is ok btw

And stop minimising what happened.

No need to sling accusations around, but what happened was scary and bad and only by where good fortune is she ok, so regardless of whose 'fault' her fall may have been, it MUST not happen again.

Hence "the children will not be visiting your house until…" etc etc ad nauseam

It could cost under £100 to buy and fir bannisters

• fir fit

She won't fix the banisters because according to her the lack of banisters had nothing whatsoever to do with your child's fall and resulting skull fracture. She is making a clear statement with her refusal to fix the banisters and has framed this issue with you as the bad guy asking her to fix something that needs fixing because it contributed to the fall when it didn't have anything to do with it in her mind.

OP, you are in the midst of a very manipulative family with your mother as the ringleader, your sister as her flying monkey, and you as the scapegoat.

That's not my family at all though. We are very loving and happy as a rule. It's JUST this. There are no flying monkeys. I don't even think my siblings have discussed it with my parents. It's like it didn't happen.