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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be able to let this go.

250 replies

IHeartKingThistle · 30/01/2016 10:22

I've posted about this before, sorry.

16 months ago my 7 year old had an accident at my parents house. They were doing some renovations and their bannisters had been removed. It was an accident, we were being careful, there's no blame to dole out. She came off the stairs and suffered a skull fracture. It was awful. My parents were devastated. I was very careful not to make them feel bad, and to be honest I played down how awful it was in hospital and how long it took her to recover.

She's fine now. She's 9, she has no lasting effects. We were very very lucky.

But there are still no bannisters on the stairs. They have continued to do up the house, but show no signs of doing the stairs. I haven't left the DC there without me since it happened (they used to go for weekends fairly often). I have told them that the DC are still nervous about the stairs (we have a younger one too who witnessed the accident). Every time I bring it up I get long emotional messages about how bad they feel and how nothing is more important than the DCs. But I don't think they are going to do the stairs. I don't want to talk about it any more, I just want them to make it safe. If I talk to my siblings about it they tell me not to criticise my parents because they feel bad enough about the accident as it is. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes. I have now stopped bringing it up altogether, but we don't visit nearly as much because I struggle to be in the house. They never mention this, ever.

But they adore the DC. Adore them. They want to be with them. They are amazing grandparents. And I know stairs are expensive, but, but, AIBU to feel like this? I just can't get my head round why they won't do it. It's getting to the point where I need to just accept it, but I can't.

OP posts:
ProcrastinatorGeneral · 30/01/2016 11:14

I live in council accommodation. There was no banister in my property when we moved in. They gives it in 48 hours, as without the banister the house didn't meet the standards of a lettable home.

Maybe that might wake them up?

I'm so sorry they're being dicks, you're not unreasonable or overreacting in the slightest.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 30/01/2016 11:16

They fixed it in 48 hours*

I need to try not typing so fast on a touchscreen, never ends well!

airforsharon · 30/01/2016 11:19

Obviously when you're renovating a house some things take priority - getting the roof on, water connected, heating in etc. And then work is done according to need/money available.

I would be fuming in your shoes that they're gone on to do other cosmetic work, but not done the stairs, which would be a safety concern whether your dc had been hurt or not. Given what happened bugger their feelings, to be frank. They're either being deliberately dense, or just not bothered about having bannisters and hoping you'll drop it, and they'll save a few bob.

These are your dcs, their safety trumps your parents potentially hurt feelings imho. You've given them plenty of time to resolve things.

GloriousGoosebumps · 30/01/2016 11:20

Were they so casual about safety when you were a child?

Perhaps you need to play up the amount of time the paternal grandparents are spending with the DD's and see if your parents complain that they're missing out, that then gives you the opportunity to explain just how serious your daughter's injuries were but add that visits can return to normal once the stairs have been made safe.

StitchesInTime · 30/01/2016 11:20

YANBU.

In your position i wouldn't go there at all until the stairs have had bannisters fitted, and I would tell them why (as in, worried that DD might fall off again and be seriously injured again or worse).

I would have expected most people to prioritise making the stairs safe after a serious accident like that, and I would find long emotional messages about how bad they feel and how nothing is more important than the DCs unconvincing unless steps had been taken to make the stairs safe.

I think your parents and siblings are being extremely unreasonable to expect you to just accept this and move on when there's still no bannisters.

Babymamamama · 30/01/2016 11:21

Tell them how it makes you feel. And your fears that history could repeat. And that your children will not be visiting again with or without you until it's sorted.

DinosaursRoar · 30/01/2016 11:23

You have to address it - is it normal that everyone in the family prioritises your parents feelings over anyone elses? Your feelings should be more important than your parents to the rest of the family, it's interesting that they see the priority as avoiding upsetting your parents over upsetting you or making sure all the grandchildren are safe.

I think a direct question like poshsausage suggests might be best. The refuse to go round until it's sorted. If they get hurt by that, then perhaps you need to accept it's ok they are hurt rather than your DCs. The original accident was just that, but by failing to prioritse making their house safe, it's hurting you and your DCs.

TPel · 30/01/2016 11:24

They have turned themselves into the victim in this situation - perversely.

You need to have a frank, non emotional talk about it. If your mother views it as criticism that is her issue.

kaitlinktm · 30/01/2016 11:25

If only I could send them this letter!

Dear HeartKingThistles Parents,

If you truly adore your grandchildren as your daughter thinks, then

  1. Make your house safe for them to visit - or accept that they cannot visit until it is safe. You have continued to do up your house - but haven't thought it important enough to make the stairs safe. What sort of message is this giving to your daughter and grandchildren?

  2. Allow your daughter to voice her concerns without "getting upset" and thus emotionally blackmailing her into silence. Your granddaughter had a fractured skull ffs! Take responsibility. This isn't about you or your feelings, it isn't about protecting you from feeling bad, it is about the safety of your grandchildren (and your own safety too) and your daughter being able to express her worries and have some sort of closure. Your grandchildren don't feel safe at your house - how is that showing them that you love them?

Also aghast at your siblings giving you a hard time. I wonder how they would have felt if it had been their child with a fractured skull?

I honestly think it is time for some plain speaking - "You know Mum, Dad, sibling I wish at the time I hadn't protected you from how dreadful it was at the hospital when DD was injured and how long it actually took her to recover. Because then I feel you would be taking my worries and her anxieties a lot more seriously. I am astounded that making those stairs safe wasn't your number one priority - if you still expect the children to visit".

shutupandshop · 30/01/2016 11:26

I'm sorry that happenedFlowers

I think you have beat around the bush too much here. Time for direct action. Tell them the dcs can't go there until the stairs are safe. They are welcome at yours.

Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 30/01/2016 11:26

Not elderly. They are totally hoping I'll just drop it.

The other problem is that my sister is happy to leave her child there (she relies on them for childcare in the school holidays). So I have become the daughter that doesn't trust them, and getting them to see it any other way is going to be hard.

How have they not noticed that I haven't let the DC stay in a year and a half? Sad

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 30/01/2016 11:26

oh and as Stitches points out, if keeping the DCs safe mattered to them, they'd have done it by now, rather than spending money on other rooms. It's not, they are lying when they say that.

texts about how the DCs safety is a priorty should jsut be replied with "ok, so exactly when will the stairs be safe?"

caravanista · 30/01/2016 11:26

As a grandparent, replacing the bannisters would have been the first thing I'd have done it it happened in my house. You need to tell them how you feel.

mintoil · 30/01/2016 11:27

I wouldn't take the DC there at all until the bannisters were up.

OP has it not occurred to you that the reason they are not doing the bannisters is because they actually don't want to have your DC there unsupervised?

shutupandshop · 30/01/2016 11:28

Sorry but your sisters being an idiot.

I don't get your parents, they must of noticed dcs not staying there?

Headmelt · 30/01/2016 11:29

Yanbu. Could the reason be, that they are nervous about babysitting now after the accident? Are they using the lack of safety as a way of detterring you from asking them to babysit anymore? It seems bizarre to me that they would leave the bannister off especially when your dc got so badly hurt previously. Maybe as much as they adore their dgc, they don't want to take on the responsibility and they prefer for you to be present when the dc visit but don't want to upset you by telling you.

DinosaursRoar · 30/01/2016 11:30

Rather than taking the DCs round and supervising, just keep inviting your parents to you and saying "because the stairs aren't safe". Stop , be clear, so everyone can stop pretend there's not an issue.

Iggi999 · 30/01/2016 11:31

Agree with everyone else. You need to put it in the table, and then if they don't change it don't go back.

airforsharon · 30/01/2016 11:31

I'm sure your sister would feel differently if it was her dc who's been hurt.

GloriaHotcakes · 30/01/2016 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 30/01/2016 11:34

They love having them, it's not that.

I've just typed her a text and deleted it. My dad's on sick pay after a knee op. They won't be able to do it now anyway. But I am going to have to address it at some point.

DD has been lost in all this, somehow.

OP posts:
Donthate · 30/01/2016 11:40

Can you offer to pay for the banisters? Say you are anxious after the accident and know that money is tight

CocktailQueen · 30/01/2016 11:42

How expensive is it to put banisters up?

Op, very sorry to hear about your poor dd and her injury.

Yanbu at all. I'm amazed at your parents' behaviour, tbh. They should have replaced the banister ASAP after your dd's accident. Very unsafe for them too!

You have to speak to them - keep it factual, unemotional, but clear. Good luck!

diddl · 30/01/2016 11:44

Well I wouldn't be going there unless there was never a need to go upstairs.

I'm not sure how you being there makes things any different in terms of a child having an accident?

Sometimes one of my knees gives way & I need something to catch hold of.

Sometimes a foot slips or you miss your footing.

I just wouldn't feel safe for me.

VintageTrouble · 30/01/2016 11:45

I had 2 elder siblings who were perfectly happy to let their children bounce on a full size trampoline in my DP's garden without a net.

I refused point blank. The second time I found out SIL had put my eldest DC on there after I had said specifically no, I told DM if it happened again I would not leave the DC with her alone ever again. I was livid.

Fuck what your siblings think. I would stop going round at all, and say to DM you just aren't prepared to until the matter is sorted.

The trampoline has now gone from DP's but I didn't ask them to do that - it's their house. But I reacted to keep DC safe. I don't think you can do anything else. But I would definitely stop going at all.