to not be able to let this go.

[IHeartKingThistle]

I've posted about this before, sorry.

16 months ago my 7 year old had an accident at my parents house. They were doing some renovations and their bannisters had been removed. It was an accident, we were being careful, there's no blame to dole out. She came off the stairs and suffered a skull fracture. It was awful. My parents were devastated. I was very careful not to make them feel bad, and to be honest I played down how awful it was in hospital and how long it took her to recover.

She's fine now. She's 9, she has no lasting effects. We were very very lucky.

But there are still no bannisters on the stairs. They have continued to do up the house, but show no signs of doing the stairs. I haven't left the DC there without me since it happened (they used to go for weekends fairly often). I have told them that the DC are still nervous about the stairs (we have a younger one too who witnessed the accident). Every time I bring it up I get long emotional messages about how bad they feel and how nothing is more important than the DCs. But I don't think they are going to do the stairs. I don't want to talk about it any more, I just want them to make it safe. If I talk to my siblings about it they tell me not to criticise my parents because they feel bad enough about the accident as it is. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes. I have now stopped bringing it up altogether, but we don't visit nearly as much because I struggle to be in the house. They never mention this, ever.

But they adore the DC. Adore them. They want to be with them. They are amazing grandparents. And I know stairs are expensive, but, but, AIBU to feel like this? I just can't get my head round why they won't do it. It's getting to the point where I need to just accept it, but I can't.

Your parents are gas lighting you. I am very suspicious of people who 'hate confrontation', as what that often translates to is no one around them being allowed to voice their real thoughts or feelings because it might upset the person in question.

It is clearly insane that they have not put up bannisters under the circumstances, and very dangerous. I agree with whoever it was said that they maybe have a block about it because to agree that the need to be put back would be admitting that they were, to some extent, responsible for the accident.

Can you identify what it is that prevents you from saying that they did let it happen the first time, and that they are not taking YOUR and your DD's feelings about the accident seriously? Is it that you are still too upset by the accident (understandably)? Or childhood conditioning to put their feelings first?

Anyway YANNNBU.

You absolutely shouldn't let it go. And I'm concerned that another child stays over too. Is she older?

Treat your parents like adults - tell them how hurt she was, and how you can't allow them to be in the house unsupervised until the banisters are done. Is there anyone who is handy with a hammer in your family? Perhaps they could put up something ugly but functional until it's done properly.

I know you are worried about hurting their feelings, but by keeping information from them you're not giving them a chance to put things right. Were they aware your dds skull was fractured? Just get it all out in the open so you can collectively work on getting back to normal.

It's exhausting. DD came downstairs in the night once because she couldn't stop remembering what happened. I told my parents. No accusations, just 'thought you should know'. The next day I was told that they had both cried all night and they knew they had done wrong. That was months ago and they haven't mentioned it since. This is what I'm faced with. I just don't get it, they would do anything for these kids. I think PPs have it with the ostrich thing. It never happened.

Can't tell DD that though

You have to tell them. Sit them down and, over a cup of tea, tell everything that you and dd went through as a result of the accident. Then tell them that you are still uncomfortable about the lack of banisters - your sister's child being fine without them is beside the point as she wasn't the one who fell. Tell them that no matter how much you love them, and no matter how much you are NOT blaming them for the accident, it has hurt and upset you that they spent money on doing up other parts of the house instead of making the stairs safe. Tell them it's a visceral response which you have no control over, every time you see those stairs your heart jumps into your mouth, your stomach flips and you feel sick.

A temp bannister could have gone up a thousand times by now. I think there is no intention to do it.

Even this thread us making me feel sick and shaky. Typing this stuff makes me feel like I'm betraying them.

Why are their feelings of guilt more important than your and your DD's feelings of fear?

My mum lives in dread of people talking about her. This would be her worst nightmare.

I know. Argh.

I bet if you start to think about this you will find that you and your DSIS have been conditioned to think your parents emotions were more important than yours from long before your DD's accident.

Or that your parents have difficult emotional needs which you have always been required to meet.

Ynbu at all what a terrible shock and experience for all of you.

I have to say had this happened in my family the first thing sorted would have been the barrister and the fact that they are making you feel guilty for asking for it shows that they are not very reasonable or nice people imo.

I would text them that you are not blaming them for the accident but if they refuse to sort it out then you will not be going round again till it is done because the next time it happens, it will be their fault.

Your DSIS is being a 'good girl' by minimising the danger and helping your parents avoid their guilt. You don't have to go along with that.

I don't know. I'm frequently irritable with my mum particularly and she loves me whatever. She just grew up in a house with fighting parents and hated it so much she just will not argue or even discuss anything negative. I get that. It's not been all about her. But it seems to be over this. I'm baffled. But why am I the one spending my weekend agonising over it??????!

My mum lives in dread of people talking about her. This would be her worst nightmare.

Hmm. A child in my family sustaining life threatening injuries in my home would be closer to my idea of a worst nightmare.

Your parents sound emotionally manipulative, and passive-aggressive. Which doesn't mean they're bad people, it just means they've learnt these ways of managing situations they don't like. 'We were up all night crying because of you - but now we've magically forgotten what the problem was!'

Don't take them back to your parents house until the banister is up. It can't do your dd any good seeing the same unsafe situation over and over. Just keep fobbing them off - 'No, you come to us! Let's meet at the park! Sorry - can't come over, we're busy today!' Meet passive-aggressive with passive-aggressive. 'Come over today? How are your renovations coming along? Oh, still no progress? Let's meet at the shopping centre, I need to buy something!'

The important thing is that your children stay out of an unsafe property. Send their behaviour back to them. Chances are that they'll snap within a few months and at the very least want to sit down and discuss things properly.

YANBU. It would freak the hell out of me and I won't send them there until the stairs are done. THey can meet their grandchildren at your home. That's it.

She just grew up in a house with fighting parents and hated it so much she just will not argue or even discuss anything negative.

That makes sense. But you should still stop enabling them. It's created another toxic family atmosphere - a kind where your parents are comfortable, but you're not.

You need to get some counselling or something because the fact you can't have a straight forward conversation with your parents over a banister without histrionics happening or gas lighting is a big deal. Get a grip and get some back bone. You have nothing to fear by your parents and tell them straight it needs to be fixed. Not next week. Not tomorrow. You want that phone call to the carpenter done TODAY as it's time they started prioritising the safety of the grandchildren. Or just don't go round! !

My DC would never visit me again if this had happened in my house and I didn't replace the bannister.

And they'd be quite right too.

What your sister chooses to do is not your concern. It didn't happen to her DC.

When you talk to them about it, ask how much the bannisters will cost and then how long they thing it will take them to save up for. And then ask why that isn't the first priority.

I would have exploded by now. I admire your restraint and consideration of their feelings.

Do you perceive passive aggression in this at all? I only ask because my parents would always leave their front door open - faces onto enclosed but easily accessible - garden till very late at night. I was always worried sick about someone coming in or ds wandering out and had to watch him like a hawk constantly. One night I put him to bed and came downstairs, a while later my Dad locked up for the night. Another ten minutes later I went to check on DS - no where to be found. I ran down the stairs, opened the front door and there he was locked out in the garden, alone, late at night, water feature in there and everything, he was two. My parents were apologetic too but still refused to keep the door closed on the few occasions we were there each year. It became a real issue and in the end I had a huge screaming fit at them and we didn't go back for almost two years. There were other issues too but that was the biggest.

OP I'm hte same with my mum - mum being upset must be avoided at all costs. If she does anything wrong, if we pull her up on it, she cries and then we are in trouble for upsetting her with the whole family.

I had a lightbulb moment and decided I'd had enough when I was in the middle of a miscarriage, on the phone to my mum apologising for upsetting her because it made her sad I was losing "her grandchild" (then everyone in the family rallied around my mum not me, because she was upset and was expected to get on with it - PIL on the other hand offered to have DC1 so I could go to hospital in peace, took him out for days so I didn't have to be brave in front of him, brought food and flowers and generally seemed sad for me and DH).

Sorry also forgot to say, it felt very like defiance. As in WE are the adults, we are not changing our rules because our daughter wants us too kind of thing.

When would you be due round there again OP?
Can anyone here help you think of how to respond to the next invitation? I think you need a concrete step to take.

Or you could write a letter and be direct:

Dear parents,

We are writing you this letter because the issue of the safety of the stairs has been playing on our minds, and we need closure on what was a very horrible and scary time for us all.

Of course it was an accident, but to be frank, we are disappointed and hurt that you haven't replaced the bannister as a priority.

If you can't afford to do the work just now, we may be able to help, but I hope you can see that we absolutely must find even a temporary remedy in order for us all to move on.

To reiterate, it is unacceptable and unsafe for the stairs to remain in their current condition.

I hope we can find a solution soon, and then we can put this all behind us.

Yours, the whole family

That's the problem ride. It's only me and DH being 'unreasonable'. There is no support on this from the rest of the family.