to not be able to let this go.

[IHeartKingThistle]

I've posted about this before, sorry.

16 months ago my 7 year old had an accident at my parents house. They were doing some renovations and their bannisters had been removed. It was an accident, we were being careful, there's no blame to dole out. She came off the stairs and suffered a skull fracture. It was awful. My parents were devastated. I was very careful not to make them feel bad, and to be honest I played down how awful it was in hospital and how long it took her to recover.

She's fine now. She's 9, she has no lasting effects. We were very very lucky.

But there are still no bannisters on the stairs. They have continued to do up the house, but show no signs of doing the stairs. I haven't left the DC there without me since it happened (they used to go for weekends fairly often). I have told them that the DC are still nervous about the stairs (we have a younger one too who witnessed the accident). Every time I bring it up I get long emotional messages about how bad they feel and how nothing is more important than the DCs. But I don't think they are going to do the stairs. I don't want to talk about it any more, I just want them to make it safe. If I talk to my siblings about it they tell me not to criticise my parents because they feel bad enough about the accident as it is. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes. I have now stopped bringing it up altogether, but we don't visit nearly as much because I struggle to be in the house. They never mention this, ever.

But they adore the DC. Adore them. They want to be with them. They are amazing grandparents. And I know stairs are expensive, but, but, AIBU to feel like this? I just can't get my head round why they won't do it. It's getting to the point where I need to just accept it, but I can't.

Hmmm...can you put your imagination to work and think what your DD (and possibly even younger child) might make of this in a similar thread in 20 years' time? Would you want to confuse her and try to make her cover her feelings or fears for the sake of her mother? She'll do that now, because she loves you and because you are the grown-up so what you do must be in her best interest, right? It might slowly dawn on the adult 'her' that she is not sure whether this was the case at all. You owe it to her to at least have a go at tackling this. If I was in your position, I would feel happiest in the end if I had been most honest (even if emotionally painful), as I wouldn't have felt I'd covered anything up.

No accidents here (touch wood) but my parents had banisters fitted years ago (by a cowboy). They were too far apart to stop a small child climbing through. There was no question that as soon as my kids were moving they had them done. It isn't more than £400. We live 300 miles away so not an every day risk. You need to say something-we are not coming until it's done!

Isn't it just, pacific?

Reminds me of a series of diving boards.

What do they say when you ask when they are going to do it?

Op, have your dh (very important) bring some kind of portable stair rail (or simple one he can make with 2x4s) the next time you visit your mother's with your children. You all walk in, dh carries in the portable hand rail matter of factly and puts it in place. The children can go up and down the stairs. After the visit, dh carries it back out to the car.

No need to say a word.

This accomplishes three important things: (1) Your mother sees that your husband is united with you (2) Your mother sees that dh is taking action (3) your children are safer

Added bonus, your mother will be embarrassed that your dh is making it clear that he is having to keep your children safe because she won't, and she will not like the neighbors seeing dh carrying it in and out and asking questions.

www.amazon.co.uk/Lightweight-Portable-Handrail-Railing-Staging/dp/B00PCCNCZ6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454195143&sr=8-1&keywords=portable+handrail+for+stairs

OP said it's partly money, the quotes for what the parents want are too pricey; partly that her DSis leaves her dc there so it looks like it's not really that dangerous, after all the DSis is ok with it; and partly OP's mum will cry if she asks her because she feels like she's being unfairly guilt-tripped. The usual family stuff.

Sorry, that was in answer to itsbetter, asking what the parents say when OP asks when they'll do it.

in Canada even in a private home you would have to get a building permit. if something as unsafe as this was passed on to the inspectors office the home would be condemned until the safety issue resolved.

My ds and his gf had a baby a few years ago. She gave me a list of things she wanted in the house before their baby could come here as soon as she was mobile. Stairgate, gate for babies room door etc. We had reared our own here without these but we went straight away and got them. You have to respect the wishes of the parents of a child. It's like your parents have locked themselves into something now and nearly can't actually do it. No wonder you are so upset.

I think people should be free not to have bannisters if they don't want them. I actually like the floating stairs ouryve posted. That's a bit sad if in Canada they are banned. I don't agree with banning dangerous stuff. There is health and safety regs, and then there is design and freedom of choice.

BUT. It is completely different if the granddaughter has taken a tumble that has fractured her skull and still they leave the stairs open. AND then guilt-trip the daughter, who should be free to say she's not bringing her dc to a house with open stairs.

If there's no bannister, someone ELSE takes care of the security on their behalf. You "would never let it happen again," so perhaps they feel safer (from guilt) if you're accepting this responsibility from them?

However, your vigilance won't save them from falls, not your sister's DC, so... clearly batshit dysfunctional!

I haven't read the whole thread but after the first few pages I have to say I disagree with the suggestions so far.

It was a terrible accident but your child was young and shouldn't have been left in that situation in the first place.

Your children are older now and must be aware of the missing bannister. Some houses don't have bannisters at all so it's just another thing that we all need to train our children about. Same as crossing roads really. Sometimes there are crossings and sometimes there aren't. Crossings aren't 100% safe and you need to take responsibility for your own safety there too.

That's what life is about. We can't anticipate everything that can go wrong - all we can do is show our children a good example.

Gillian. OP's child is only older by 16months and just 16months ago, the child was in hospital with skull cracked open. There's learning to take calculated risks and there's accident prevention. Would I let my child on a bike without a helmet on? No. Same with stairs. One would walk up and down those stairs many times a day and the probability of an accident happen is very very high. Once is more than enough. Twice -well, you're just asking for it really.

Well, the DD really can't afford another stair accident, given the serious damage done to her skull by the first, so whatever the circumstances of the indecent, the grandparents absolutely need to put in a bannister.

OP, you could talk to them about it, but my guess is that talking about it is precisely what they find difficult. So you could stay away until your father is working again and then quietly deliver an ultimatum: no visits to their house until there is a bannister in place. And, if they can't afford the one they want, they must fit a temporary one.

And as well as DD, the fact that your Dad is recovering from a knee op means he could really do with a bannister too

I remember you posting about this before. You need to talk to them. Really talk.

Right now you don't know their motives for not having the bannister up and they don't necessarily know your motives for not letting your DC stay there anymore, even if you think it's clear.

Maybe they feel as long as there is no bannister things can stay in limbo and they're happy in limbo because they're afraid of the next stage. Perhaps they feel worried or anxious at the thought of having your DC stay again and are trying to delay that being possible. Maybe they feel they won't be able to relax or that the DC would be anxious or maybe they feel so guilty they just can't trust themselves to care for them anymore.

Alternatively maybe they're worried you won't trust them to care for the DC. Maybe they're worried even if they fixed up banisters you still wouldn't let the children stay and as there'd no longer be an excuse to hide behind they'd have to face the fact your ability to trust their caregiving was broken. You might know you'd be happy for the DC to stay if it was just fixed but do they know (and believe) that?

It could just be laziness or an unwillingness to face the problem here but you say they are good people so maybe there are bigger emotional issues at play. Unfortunately I think if you're not happy to sit down and discuss it things won't move forward.

I don't think you have to bring it up in a negative way, but outline the kids are missing staying over there and so you're just wondering when they're going to put up the bannister (temporary or otherwise) as you'd love for the kids to be a bigger part of their lives again. Make it clear you do want the kids to be able to stay there and the only thing stopping that is the bannister, there is no blame or mistrust etc involved.

If they still won't resolve it even after discussion I'm sorry but it sounds like there may be emotional issues there which you probably can't solve alone. The event was no doubt traumatic for all of you, maybe your parents would benefit from counselling or similar to work through their feelings and the reason for not fixing the bannister - I suspect it must run deeper than laziness or not caring. However I appreciate that suggestion may be easier said than implemented.

Good luck and I hope you do find a way to move things forward.

It is ridiculously stubborn and weird to not fix it!

Just do it (parents of OP)

This has really made me think about my own parents. I have long been aware that my mum governed with guilt and have made a conscious effort to make sure that my children are not made to feel responsible for my happiness. My DP are terribly passive aggressive and if there is any implied criticism they are so hurt that it shuts down debate. They have a area of water and mud in their garden (I hesitate to call it a pond.) that they refuse to enclose despite my requests and offers to do it. When I mention it I am met with confused looks from my mother and huffs about health and safety gone mad from my father. At Christmas I was subject to loads of eye rolling because I suggested that allowing all 6 GC aged between 2-8, to race around the garden in the twilight unsupervised was a bit dangerous.
There are other, far more serious issues that I have to discuss with them but am so scared of starting the discussion because we are all such a 'loving supportive close family' and they keep me and my DSIS at bay with this.

I remember your previous thread. I am glad your DD is ok now, what a horrible thing to happen, and yes, you were all so lucky.

I hope I do not offend you when I say that I do not think your parents care enough about what happened or the potential for similar to occur. To not remove the risk, when they have the capability to do so, is careless in the extreme. I understand it is a difficult situation for you. I wish you luck in getting your message across to them.

What is the point in talking?

They've done nothing in 16months, they know that OP would like bannisters up.

Only thing is to not visit imo.

snow that is so shite. Why do you put up with this? So not to rock the boat? It's not health and safety gone mad. These kids are small. They may not want to go in there but one if the kids slips? Face down? Do you know how long it takes to drown? People, grown men and women drown in baths FFS and with only a an inch or two of water. Really, you families have some massive passive aggressive issues going on. Whats the worse that can happen? Your parents don't talk to you?!

A few years ago I was staying at my sisters house whilst she was away. She didn't have a bannister up, not because she didn't want one but because the prior owner didn't have one. I fell about half way down, hit my head, and then electrocuted myself whilst getting up. (This last bit was completely my fault.) As soon as she got back, she got the stairs sorted and, I think, felt guilty that I went through that experience.

I can't believe that your parents haven't done anything to make it safer for anyone climbing up or down the stairs. That is so selfish.

As soon as she got back, she got the stairs sorted and, I think, felt guilty that I went through that experience

This is the thing - accidents can happen but it's how we respond to them and what we do afterwards that matters.

Is it possible they don't want the responsibility so aren't fixing it on purpose?

What struck me is you sister lets them mind her young child. If that child has an "accident" (it wouldn't actually be an accident but the inevitable consequence of having a small child in a dangerous situation) surely social services would be involved. They would have been involved with the first "accident" where I live and would probably have recommended that the children do not enter the dangerous house anymore.

Op, you're the only sane one in this scenario. Scary, isn't it?

agree with this.

Also they are leaving the stairs the way they are because if they do and no other children fracture their skulls then it means the first "accident" wasn't their fault.