to not be able to let this go.

[IHeartKingThistle]

I've posted about this before, sorry.

16 months ago my 7 year old had an accident at my parents house. They were doing some renovations and their bannisters had been removed. It was an accident, we were being careful, there's no blame to dole out. She came off the stairs and suffered a skull fracture. It was awful. My parents were devastated. I was very careful not to make them feel bad, and to be honest I played down how awful it was in hospital and how long it took her to recover.

She's fine now. She's 9, she has no lasting effects. We were very very lucky.

But there are still no bannisters on the stairs. They have continued to do up the house, but show no signs of doing the stairs. I haven't left the DC there without me since it happened (they used to go for weekends fairly often). I have told them that the DC are still nervous about the stairs (we have a younger one too who witnessed the accident). Every time I bring it up I get long emotional messages about how bad they feel and how nothing is more important than the DCs. But I don't think they are going to do the stairs. I don't want to talk about it any more, I just want them to make it safe. If I talk to my siblings about it they tell me not to criticise my parents because they feel bad enough about the accident as it is. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes. I have now stopped bringing it up altogether, but we don't visit nearly as much because I struggle to be in the house. They never mention this, ever.

But they adore the DC. Adore them. They want to be with them. They are amazing grandparents. And I know stairs are expensive, but, but, AIBU to feel like this? I just can't get my head round why they won't do it. It's getting to the point where I need to just accept it, but I can't.

All she has to do is fix the banisters. You are asking her as nicely as can be to fix them. You've made it clear to her you're not blaming her, you simply want them fixed to prevent it happening again. She refuses. This is a nasty woman who uses manipulating tactics to look like the victim or martyr or saint, crocodile tears and blaming and guilt trips and recruiting others to join her in blaming you for wanting the banisters fixed. Do you see, she can't get the banisters fixed. She's done nothing wrong! and how horrible you've been the past two years persecuting her! Look at the pain you've caused her and the rest of the family! How do you explain to your children why you're keeping them from their loving grandmother who has done so much for them! (Their thinking)

I think the rest of what you say is bang on though. They've justified it because it wasn't their fault. Which it wasn't, but it is now their responsibility.

I'm gobsmacked none of their friends are raising eyebrows.

She's not nasty, honestly. And they've never outright refused to do it. They tell me they will. But I think they are just hanging on until I get over it and let the kids visit again. I won't, but they can't see that. And at some point it'll be too late and they'll be teenagers and not interested in having holidays at Grandma's any more. Everyone is missing out.

This incident has brought to light family dynamics. They are pretending it didn't even happen. That in itself is a tactic. Your family may be very loving usually but look what happened here. They would rather maintain their innocence than fix the banisters so dd doesn't fall again. That is seriously wrong.

YANBU.

My parents refuse to get their wood-burner checked out despite the fact that my mildly asthmatic son has a bad attack every time he visits. I've stopped going in winter because we're indoors so much which makes it worse. We've even had to see GP or A&E on three or four occasions while visiting (we live far away so have to stay with my parents, usually for a few days - not worth visiting for less).

Even DH who doesn't have asthma gets tight-chested in their living room. Clearly there's a problem. I can smell fumes FGS!

I can't get my head around it. They are offended whenever I raise it yet it's their own grandson and they love having him to stay! It's like they have a massive blind spot wrt their house.

The next time she says we will get round to it can you just say what you've posted above about how they'll soon be teenagers and won't want to stay.

Her nastiness is not from outward loving appearance.

So you have to get over it before your parents will finally fix the banisters. So the responsibility is on you to get over it and bring your dc to their house as before to show you know the banisters had nothing to do with the fall. Then they will fix the banisters.

OP, you are conflicted because you can't reconcile your mother's living behavior with her not fixing the banisters to prevent another fall.

OP, if you put aside the bannisters for one minute (try) and put aside your parents for one minute (try) and think only about yourself and your dd, then ask yourself who is in denial. I think YOU are in denial. You keep repeating to yourself how lovely your parents are and how they adore the dc and would do anything for you and your dc and how already they do so much for you...but your dd is having nightmares and you are taking her back repeatedly to the place that put her in hospital and gave her nightmares. You keep taking her there and saying how lovely all the remodelling is, while inside you are suffering from that accident. And your dd is suffering too. Yet you have to keep going back there, to the place where it happened, with the bannister still not fixed. Sounds like emotional torture.

Think about it, think about the effect this will have on YOUR own relationship with YOUR dd. Are YOU doing everything you can to protect your dd's emotional health? I think you are too focused on how lovely your parents are and wishing they would just fix their bannisters which will make everything ok (it won't).

You wrote in a post that your daughter is being forgotten in all this. That's the bit that made me sad, your forgotten daughter.

No, I mean really for most folk this would have been done before your daughter was out of hospital.

I wouldn't visit them & tbh I wouldn't be bending over backwards when they wanted to come to me.

But I think they are just hanging on until I get over it and let the kids visit again.

Broken record, I'm telling ya! Seriously.

That's not my family at all though. We are very loving and happy as a rule. It's JUST this

Yes, they are loving and happy, yay, but your daughter suffered a fractured skull and they're all telling you not to upset your mother who is very lovely and feels very guilty. They are gaslighting you and making you feel crazy. This is not ok, no matter how loving and happy they are.

I'm glad your dd fully recovered, but that doesn't change the fact that a fractured skull is a life-threatening injury. Think about this for a moment. How does a loving family respond when their 7 year old niece/granddaughter suffers a life-threatening event?

Your sister (very loving and supportive too, yes?) sends her own dd to that same house with the same unfixed bannister. Is that a way of supporting you? No, that is a way of demonstrating to you how ridiculous you are being by not letting your dc there.

What does it say to your daughter that her grandmother hasn't bothered to fix the banisters where she fell and got her skull fractured? That is not love and it's not lovely.

Rereading your posts I think you need to find a way to be VERY assertive without being aggressive - if you get on as well as you way you do with your family then don't pick a fight over this or fall out with them, but do not relinquish your entirely reasonable position: the children will not be visiting the house until…

None of us here know you are your family, but you do seem oddly protective of your DM's feeling, unreasonably so: she feels bad about her granddaughter's accident - well, good, so she should. So, without being nasty or cruel about it, it is entirely reasonable and valid to insist on the repair before the children come to visit. There are SO many ways to phrase this without pointing the finger or attributing blame while still insisting that this is what has to happen for them to visit again.

Your sister makes her own choices, fine, but that does not take away from you making yours.

"But I think they are just hanging on until I get over it and let the kids visit again."

But you have let the kids visit again, so what's the rush from their POV?

So I have become the daughter that doesn't trust them, and getting them to see it any other way is going to be hard.

You need to remind them that you are also the daughter whose child fell off their unprotected staircase and sustained a fractured skull, and who was very lucky not to have been killed or had permanent brain damage.

And it isn't necessarily a matter of trust. You can be as careful as you like, but a child can run away from you and up those stairs in a matter of seconds before you can stop them; and even the most careful person isn't immune from the totally unexpected slips and trips. It's just a simple matter of being safe.

You say that the original accident wasn't their fault - but are you sure about that? You may say that it was just an accident, but it was an accident that wouldn't have had anything like such serious consequences if they had just had a bannister up.

They haven't been to stay without me, I mean. The way I have explained this so far is to say that I just couldn't relax without a bannister up. This has spared their feelings but hasn't done anything about convincing them to fix the stairs.

We used to be down there a LOT more than we are now. They can't possibly not have noticed.

Please understand that I am taking all this on board, but it is very difficult to hear.

*They would have just smiled and reassured me - "Oh, we won't let it happen again!" You are then trapped into having to say that they let it happen first time, and then they can accuse you of not forgiving them, not understanding how awful they feel about the accident, not believing in their ability to look after their grandchildren"

I think if necessary you need to be saying that this isn't an issue of forgiveness or questioning their ability to look after their grandchildren, but a matter of your own and your dd's peace of mind. They might be the most trustworthy grandparents in the world but, as I've said, accidents happen to even the most careful people. Although objectively you might believe that nothing will happen, that won't prevent the fact that, all the time your children are in their house, your heart will be in your mouth.

And whatever you do, don't get trapped by the emotional blackmail of "Your mention of the accident made us feel awful, we were crying all night." Clearly it didn't make them feel so awful that they prioritised preventing even the minutest possibility of a repetition. And whatever they felt cannot have been a fraction of what you felt all through that nightmare period.

Can you put it her not in a safety way (as you know the rest of your family disagree with you on the safety aspect) but from an emotional point of view.
'I know it's not your fault Mum and that it was an accident but both DD and me are still struggling to get over what happened. One big thing that gives us both flash backs and makes us upset is seeing the stairs when we visit you. It would really help give us closure and help stop DDs nightmares if the new banisters could go up sooner rather than later. In the mean time we will of course have you to visit us but you do understand why we need to stay away from your house until the work is done to help DD recover emotionally'

You are buying into their narrative. They are all treating you as bonkers because you want the banisters fixed! OP, your mother is not going to fix the banisters until you apologize to her that you made her feel guilty by thinking the banisters had anything whatsoever to do with your dd's inconvenient fall.

If I were you, I'd go to her, in front of the whole family (except your children, I'm talking about your mother, father, sister, whoever's been making you feel guilty for wanting the banisters fixed) because that will feed her ego to have it publicly shown that you were wrong and she is right (a double win), and apologize for your mistake in blaming the banisters for your dd's fall. Ask her to please forgive you. I bet you that will make her as happy as a clam. Watch how everyone reacts. They will all nod in agreement that you have finally come to your senses.

She may or may not have the banisters fixed. Now, after your groveling apology and their gracious acceptance, you decide how to proceed. Personally I would not darken her doorstep for quite a while. She does not care that dd got her skull fractured at her house. If she truly cared for dd she would have fixed the banisters immediately, before dd came over again. She cares more for not being blamed than to prevent another fall. That is a fact.

they might have noticed, but excused it and put it to the back of their minds "IHeartKingThistle is so busy these days, but lovely to see her when we can." or "Nice to see IHeartKingThistle with the grandkids the other day.We don't get to see as much of them these days so nice she can stay too." that sort of thing - not facing up to the real reason. They might know the real reason, but don't want to deal with it. Effectively, any 'fault' for you not going much these days will probably be you not bringing them, not thinking about 'why'.

I do think others are right that you are being unfair on your DD, she shouldn't be in that house until the stairs are fixed, you need to face down your fears and tell your parents this - it's tough if you aren't that sort of family to deal with issues, or if you aren't used to it being ok to upset your parents, but she can't be expected go there.

It will show you where her heart is. You'll be able to tell from their reactions. They are willing to wait it out until you apologize. None of them are even willing to admit that the banister needs to be fixed in a timely manner. Your mother is willing to leave the stairs without a banister until you apologize to her (take your dc over to her house as often as before and not asking about the banister again and making it clear you know the banister had nothing to do with the fall). You've caused her enough stress, according to her, she's stayed up all night crying. Boo hoo. Meanwhile your dd got her skull fractured but that's ok.

By perpetuating the idea that you just can't relax without the bannister up, you are wedging yourself even tighter into the role of unreasonable, irrational daughter because it spares their feelings.

The reality of the situation is that they care so much about not feeling /appearing at fault here that they are happy to pay to have a whole room done up but not repair the banisters.

In the meantime they are ok with their grandchildren being in danger. Would YOU let your DD's future children go up and down stairs in that condition for almost two years?

I am sure they are doing all this subconsciously, but it's still dysfunctional. You can choose to accept it or not.