to not be able to let this go.

[IHeartKingThistle]

I've posted about this before, sorry.

16 months ago my 7 year old had an accident at my parents house. They were doing some renovations and their bannisters had been removed. It was an accident, we were being careful, there's no blame to dole out. She came off the stairs and suffered a skull fracture. It was awful. My parents were devastated. I was very careful not to make them feel bad, and to be honest I played down how awful it was in hospital and how long it took her to recover.

She's fine now. She's 9, she has no lasting effects. We were very very lucky.

But there are still no bannisters on the stairs. They have continued to do up the house, but show no signs of doing the stairs. I haven't left the DC there without me since it happened (they used to go for weekends fairly often). I have told them that the DC are still nervous about the stairs (we have a younger one too who witnessed the accident). Every time I bring it up I get long emotional messages about how bad they feel and how nothing is more important than the DCs. But I don't think they are going to do the stairs. I don't want to talk about it any more, I just want them to make it safe. If I talk to my siblings about it they tell me not to criticise my parents because they feel bad enough about the accident as it is. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes. I have now stopped bringing it up altogether, but we don't visit nearly as much because I struggle to be in the house. They never mention this, ever.

But they adore the DC. Adore them. They want to be with them. They are amazing grandparents. And I know stairs are expensive, but, but, AIBU to feel like this? I just can't get my head round why they won't do it. It's getting to the point where I need to just accept it, but I can't.

Ava, most if not 99% of accidents are preventable. It's why they are called accidents where no one is to blame.

You are afraid to even talk to them about this because your mother might be upset by the conversation.

Would your daughter have had the fall if they did not remove the banister?

Yes- that's an accident.
No - that was an injury that could and should have been prevented.

They made a seriously grave error which led to an injury.

And despite this, they have done fuck all.

That is not "good"

I am sure they are good people in many other respects.

This. I think most human beings are good people who would never deliberately cause hurt to anyone especially not a family member whom they love so much. Yet, they do still behave in terribly hurtful ways.

Love is a strange thing. Love is not just being a good person, but also, doing no harm to others. Families get away with blue murder because of all the love swirling around - I bet you if this happened in a workplace and an employee was injured and came out of hospital to find the bannister still not fixed, that would be seen by everybody as unacceptable. But because it happened in a loving family, family members are ok with it.

You've got really good advice here OP but I just wanted to add what has been foremost in my since the first page.

HOLY LIVING FUCK!! WTAF are your parents playing at?! I would be terrified of a bannister-less stairs, never mind you and your poor DD after that unimaginable terror.

All that I can think of to say is "mum, dad, install a FUCKING bannister or the children and I will absolutely not be able to visit you again."

Sorry, very unhelpful, but I'm so so sorry your parents have put you in this utterly cuntish position. Fuming for you!

Here's another thought fwiw: think about it with the roles reversed.
Your house has stairs with no banisters, your mother fell down and broke her skull but by sheer good fortune survives with no ill effect.

What would your reaction be to such an incident?
Feel bad about it?
Feel guilty?
Fix the frigging stairs??

Thought so.

You'd fix the stairs because you are reasonable about this sort of thing.

I am sorry your image of your parents is being challenged on this thread, but is that not what growing up is all about? Seeing our parents as the flawed individuals that they are, just like the rest of us?
I am sure they love you and your DCs, but 'love' as an emotion is just not enough if actions don't follow.

I hope you find a way forward without a. letting your DD down or b. falling irretrievably out with your parents

Its either they are so used to it they don't see it as unsafe and yr DD accident as a one off. Or fixing it brings it back/somehow reinforces their causing it. They might be upset, but sometimes difficult things just fester then blow up even worse if not addressed. You need to have a calm statement you practice first, then also have compromise solutions in mind if they don' t want to play ball. (temp one/you help with cost). Every family has upsetting moments and issues so don't feel bad its bothering you.

Every time they invite you all over, just tell them no there's no banisters, if they complain and say they fell so bad, say "well put up banisters" Then repeat it each time they come up with other ideas. "Put up banisters", needs to be your new mantra.

Floppy, that's awful. The tragedy is you can't reason with people like that, they are right no matter what. They insist they are the reasonable ones.

You are showing your children that their safety is much much less important to you than the risk of upsetting your parents. You might not agree, and you are undoubtedly devastated about what happened to your daughter- but, by continuing to visit, you are brushing the matter under the carpet. From a child's perspective, something was unsafe and she suffered a terrible accident, yet 18 months later the hazard is still there and the adults are all dancing around the issue and pretending it didn't happen - how unimportant do you think that would make a child feel?

The only way forward is to refuse to visit their house at all until the stairs are safe. Your parents can still visit you, if you need to stay in the area you could stay with other relatives or in a b&b- but nothing will change unless you make a change.

MsJamie I said the severity of the accident was preventable. Not the accident itself. Why would you pick up on my comment rather than address the op?

YANBU.

I would be quite happy to be the daughter that doesn't trust them, to be honest. Staircases without banisters give me the willies.

Honestly OP YADNBU.

From a child's perspective, something was unsafe and she suffered a terrible accident, yet 18 months later the hazard is still there and the adults are all dancing around the issue and pretending it didn't happen - how unimportant do you think that would make a child feel?

This. Be aware also that children may start to think it must have been their own fault and suffer from guilt - 'if I had been more careful, I wouldn't have fallen down the stairs and made mum/gran feel sad'.

And floating and/or banister free staircases seem to be popular when it comes to "designer" shit. Just look at this monstrosity (scarily loud autoplaying ad warning)
www.housetohome.co.uk/house-tour/picture/take-a-tour-around-a-restored-victorian-villa-1/4
(when it comes to victorian villas, I'm sure "restored" doesn't involve shiny white floating staircases, but maybe I'm mistaken)

If they loved and cared for them and were devastated about the accident, they should put blooming banisters up then! What are they waiting for! Until they do this, I would not take my children round there.

I agree with WhereYouLeftIt - the damage (in more ways) is done.

What would really upset me is the fact that my parents have not felt the need to replace the banister after your DD's horrendous accident. They have then gone on to do further renovations and STILL not attended to the unsafe stairs. I would feel very angry that I had to point out to them that the stairs still have no banister, the lasting psychological trauma for you, your DD, her sibling and your DH.I am I would have expected that they would have fixed the stairs immediately as any loving person would. If it were my stairs, the overwhelming guilt and the fear of it happening again would have me running to B & Q! I cannot understand what your parents are playing at.

They have really let you down here and you are right to feel the way you do. If they weep all night because you bring it up. You will be weeping a lot longer if another accident should happen due to their stupidity. If the tears were genuine and heartfelt, your mother would not have told you about them - she only told you to shut you down and prevent further talk about the subject.

Ava I have addressed the OP, before my comment to you.

Again most accidents are preventable, regardless of the severity. This was an accident, however OP's issue is not with the original accident, its with the issue of the stairs not having a bannister after the accident.

The have the gall to guilt trip you, thank god for them it was not a lot worse. I totally agree theday

It's bonkers. We had our banisters replaced last week and our builders did not leave the house without nailing up some planks of wood to fill the gap.

Did I get it right that you mentioned your DD was having trouble being afraid remembering the accident, and somehow your parents turned this into you feeling guilty because they cried all night?

OP, I think you're finding this thread hard reading because you want to believe your parents love their GC, but it appears in fact they are showing a callous disregard for them. Your child was almost killed at their place, and they refuse to fix the danger that led to this? A loving grandparent would be sure to remove whatever might be triggering to the child, whether it was a real danger or not (e.g., get a new, different looking kettle had their been a hot-water accident, etc.). The fact that they insist on not doing so, and making you feel bad for it, indicates they care more about themselves.

You need to protect your DD. What is this teaching her? She needs to see you as someone who will stand up for well-being, both physical and mental, and not let her be exposed to danger nor let her continually be reminded of a horrific period in her life by people who seem to want to minimise her feelings. Stop worrying about your mother's relationship with your DD and worry about yours. And even if your parents don't change, if your DD sees you as a rock and support, she may manage to have a healthy relationship with them.

OP
I wouldn't go to your parents house! I welled up reading your post because I had an accident on stairs and it's lucky I'm here posting now. They had banisters but I think it's a safe bet I wouldn't be here if an outward trajectory had been involved. And your poor DD, I had nightmares till about six months after full recovery.

I think you need to refuse to go till they sort it. It sounds as if you protected them from what happened. Don't. This could happen to them too. I am baffled why they want to ignore this but I think the only thing that will stop them is a shock, in your case, speaking plainly. They have managed to disassociate themselves from any blame, so they are acting like nothing's happened, but in reality I think you could sue if you were minded to. If they like the look of the stairs more than they care for loved ones....actually I suggest you put that thought on the table for them.

Don't take them there until there is a bannister say "I couldn't live with myself if something happened.... AGAIN" They should prioritise making it safe!

ourvye, that floating staircase is just… I dunno… something else!
I have a good head for heights, but that?! In a family dwelling?? Good grief.

How do you think this is going to make your dd feel? She is old enough now to know that not upsetting your parents is more important to you than her safety.

For goodness sake, stop pussy footing around and just have it out with them. Really

If they will listen to your DH, wouldn't it be best for the two of you together to have the conversation with them?