to not be able to let this go.

[IHeartKingThistle]

I've posted about this before, sorry.

16 months ago my 7 year old had an accident at my parents house. They were doing some renovations and their bannisters had been removed. It was an accident, we were being careful, there's no blame to dole out. She came off the stairs and suffered a skull fracture. It was awful. My parents were devastated. I was very careful not to make them feel bad, and to be honest I played down how awful it was in hospital and how long it took her to recover.

She's fine now. She's 9, she has no lasting effects. We were very very lucky.

But there are still no bannisters on the stairs. They have continued to do up the house, but show no signs of doing the stairs. I haven't left the DC there without me since it happened (they used to go for weekends fairly often). I have told them that the DC are still nervous about the stairs (we have a younger one too who witnessed the accident). Every time I bring it up I get long emotional messages about how bad they feel and how nothing is more important than the DCs. But I don't think they are going to do the stairs. I don't want to talk about it any more, I just want them to make it safe. If I talk to my siblings about it they tell me not to criticise my parents because they feel bad enough about the accident as it is. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes. I have now stopped bringing it up altogether, but we don't visit nearly as much because I struggle to be in the house. They never mention this, ever.

But they adore the DC. Adore them. They want to be with them. They are amazing grandparents. And I know stairs are expensive, but, but, AIBU to feel like this? I just can't get my head round why they won't do it. It's getting to the point where I need to just accept it, but I can't.

Bloody hell, they STILL haven't done the bannister?? I remember your previous threads.

Yanbu at all. Seriously. It may be the elephant in the room but unfortunately you know there is nothing you can do. PPs are right, you're not going to get closure until this is done.

OP - do your family have a habit of prioritising your parents feelings? Your DD has been lost in this, it does seem like everyone's response (including yours) has been find a way to manage the situation in a way that assumes your parents feelings are the priority, not yours, not your DDs, but your parents. It's hard, I realised I had been rather conditioned to avoid upsetting my mum over all else as a child - it still is the reflex action for DB and I to 'look after mum' first over all other considerations.

You are allowed to put your DD's feelings above your parents. It's perfectly ok to say "I won't stop you seeing the children, but as your house still isn't safe and the children don't feel comfortable there anymore, until the stairs are fixed, it'll have to be at our house or somewhere else like the park or softplay."

You shouldn't be asking your DD to go to a house she feels unsafe in. You shouldn't be saying that her feelings matter less than your parents.

In my miind the answer to this is quite straightforward. Your DD does not enter that house until those stairs are made safe. No ifs or buts.

By not putting up the banisters they are pretending to themselves that the accident never happened or that they were not to blame . When they put them up they will be admitting that it isn't safe & therefore will have to admit to themselves that they were responsible for the accident - which they were , by not having a safe environment. There is a reason why rented properties & public buildings have them , they are required by law for health & safety . The reason is because without them people have died or have had horrendous life changing injuries . I'm a health professional , I'm not going to give you gory accounts of injuries , but they are living in denial . It's not IF another accident happens it's WHEN.

Thistle - my parents are very similar to yours. Their ability to ignore things that do not suit them has caused me a lot of anxiety over the years. Like yours mine adore my kids, are great, loving Grandparents, and have a lot to offer their GCs. But I cannot leave my children alone with them, and haven't for years. They make choices everytime, which show that, no matter how much they claim to love their GCs, they will not put their safety first, and they regard any discussion of their choices as intrusive criticism, and regard me being utterly unreasonable, even patronising, in not trusting them.

My parents have now started showing clear signs of dementia (which has actually come as a strange relief to me) as I now believe that, for the last 25 years or so probably, their weird stubbornness and refusal to discuss things, has a medical cause. They can't admit that they might ever be wrong because that would mean that life isn't what they thought it was, and they can't adapt or change - change is very very threatening to them.

If you can talk to your parents, keep it simple, but you are absolutely right to stand by your feelings here. You may never get closure from your parents, or they may respond to you if you are firm enough - or you may discover that they can't respond sensibly to your request, no matter how much they love the GCs. But it is up to them to adapt if they can, not you!

I would not be taking my DC there again and I'd have had stern words re putting temporary or permanent bannisters there before but most certainly after the accident!

Suppose someone broke their neck and died?! Which it could have well happened. And you can tell they have the money to do this but ignore it in favour of other options.

It's a bloody safety aspect!

Mum and dad.

Have you missed the DC staying over? Would you like them to stay again?

If they say yes.

When DD had the accident I wasn't fully honest with you. DD was much more seriously hurt than I said and needed more recovery than I said at the time. Is was because I didn't want you to feel worse than you did. I protected your feelings but never dreamed you wouldn't do your part and get the bannister up. I am not willing to bring the children to your house anymore until the bannister is up. Sister clearly doesn't think the same thing could happen to her child but I know accidents do happen and I'm not willing to let my child take a risk.

Let me know when it is done. Bye.

Your mother controls everyone by getting upset and not liking confrontation so people say nothing.

It's really time to say something.

I hope this thread has crystalised your feelings OP. It's horrible when you feel strongly about something but are being made to feel as if you're the one being weird.

Would it help to imagine this situation in terms of going on in the house of someone less close? A neighbor? A mate of your DDs? You wouldn't think twice about sticking to your guns and keeping the DCs away until there were banisters and you'd be confident about being right. You're right now too.

If your sister wants to risk it that's up to her.

My advice would be, as another poster has said, have all visits at your house, and if/when they bring up going to theirs say ''Once the stairs are done, yes! Of course. Until then it just gives me too much stress and i can't relax''.

End of.

(i hate that phrase - but do make it end of)

YANBU, but clearly they haven't picked up on this, so unless you tell them they aren't going to. You need to tell them or they're going to continue to be oblivious and you're going to continue to be resentful.

Just seen your update to say they can't afford it. Can you afford it?

From reading your updates I would be extremely strict with them, sorry, make them feel bad about your DD and if necessary point out that if your DSis used a registered childminder what rules/regulations would have to be in place.

Ostrich tactics are probably because they feel guilty for the accident happening in the first place. I've known people like this too. Very laissez-fairs until something happens then they're all over it like a rash. Mind boggles.

Oh my gosh what a difficult situation.

I think you just have to confront. I wouldn't say things as others have said on here, because in RL we do protect others feelings and want to prevent any rows. So I wouldn't go in there too emotively BUT I would be direct:

Mum, dad, this is difficult to say but can you please put some bannisters up in your house? It worries me so much, one of of the dc could easily have another serious accident, it's so dangerous! I know this might be out of the blue to you, but to me it's eating me up all the time and it's why the dc haven't stayed at yours since X's accident. I do hope you see I just want reassurance there won't be a repeat incident and that I'm not attacking you.

PS I remember your original thread. So pleased that your dd has made a full recovery.

Throwing, that wouldn't have worked with my parents. They would have just smiled and reassured me - "Oh, we won't let it happen again!" You are then trapped into having to say that they let it happen first time, and then they can accuse you of not forgiving them, not understanding how awful they feel about the accident, not believing in their ability to look after their grandchildren" . . .

Oh ok blimey. So what would you say/do then notquite?

That is EXACTLY how it would go.

Every time I read something like this, I am shocked how utterly unreasonable and self centered some people can be. To say you have to keep quiet to spare their feelings is just mind blowing to me.

They cannot afford the house if they have to choose between bannisters and sodding wallpaper. Its not even remotely safe to have open stairs, their priorities are all wrong.
I wouldnt step foot in there until it was fixed and I wouldnt be admiring the bloody wallpaper either.

No one in their right mind can believe a child can fall off the stairs, be taken away in an ambulance and not be severely injured. They are kidding themselves and expecting everyone else to go along with it to keep the peace. The other siblings are enabling them.

Now you are a parent yourself, stop parenting them. Look after yourself and your own family first and dont feel bad about it.
Ignoring how serious this is is not nice, they are not being nice or lovely.

You'd reply "Its not about letting it happen again - especially as the kids get older you simply can't watch them 24/7. So bannisters are the only answer".

OP I wouldn't do this by text. You have to be face to face, in a calm situation. And let them do the talking. If they say something unreasonable, stay silent until you can think of a calm reply. Stay firm. Don't expect it to be resolved in an instant - they may need to think it over when you are not there.

agree very difficult situation, but unfortunately for you, you can't not deal with it.

I think the issue is really how you'd feel if something else did happen - however unlikely.

It's that old reality that really, ultimately you are responsible for your children's well-being, and you need to parent them within your own parameters/ standards of care.

In the end you will have to face yourself - not your siblings or your parents, if you feel like you've compromised their safety (whether others agree or not).
It's difficult to feel second-guessed by others but they are not your children's parent. You are.

I hope you can either find a way to honestly not worry about the situation at your parent's house anymore, just as it is, or failing that, to work things out with them so that this isn't so stressful for you anymore. All the best.x

I haven't read all the replies. Your post resonated with me because my house didn't have a stair bannister we we moved in. The children were with us when we viewed the house. We were lucky and got the house 4 days before we had to move in. The first job we done was to get a joiner to put a stair bannister in for us. I wouldn't have the children back in the house without one.

Our upstairs isn't even that high, we have low ceilings down stairs. There is absolutely no way you would have children going up and down stairs without a bannister. We needed loads done to the house, didn't have a bath, were ripping out the kitchen to get a new kitchen put in another room. However, safety is first.

I am sorry your parents have put you in this position. I would not have my children in a house without a stair banister. If your parents expect to see your children in their house then they have to put a stair banister up.

Pleased to hear your daughter made a full recovery.

Accidents happen...but you are meant to learn form them and it looks like your parents havn't despite all the emotional protestations, so I can understand your reluctance to visit.

I think you may have to be a bit harsh with them..bring up the subject and when they start the whiney emotional stuff cut them off and just say...its in the past, what are you going to do for the future.

They at least need to nail some mdf or something up

You are not worried about something that may happen. It has happened!
And yes they did let it happen by not having a safe house.

They have put you in the position of feeling they do not priotitise your child's safety. Which they haven't.
As for not being able to look after your child, they've proved that too.
They say nothing is more important than their grandchildren. Well that's untrue isn't it.
If theyd really cared they would have sorted the bannister immediately after the accident.

It's not you, it's them.

Ask if they need some help with it ?

FFS. Don't feel bad at ALL. Disengage because simply put it's a massive safety issues. If your parents won't fix it. Tough shut the kids don't go round to theirs. Leave them be and dont prioritise other people's guilt or apathy as next time your kids my be dead.

Sorry crazy phone. Seriously don't give in and don't feel bad and don't get involved. If it takes 20+ years for your pants parents to fix it is still wouldn't go round there!!