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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think there is something wrong with DS?

207 replies

AutumnSky123 · 27/01/2016 23:02

DS is 7 y/o and I'm seriously concerned... I've been called into his school, many times, due to him using sexually explicit language and it's incredibly embarrassing/concerning - I have no idea how he knows about the stuff he is saying. I've heard him saying such things to our cat/his teddies too and I have no idea how to deal with it :(

OP posts:
RivieraKid · 28/01/2016 18:55

Gosh, well that answers my question. Sexual aggression and that kind of phrasing is super alarming. Agree that SS/professional help has to be the way forward.

Branleuse · 28/01/2016 19:13

The rules havent changed. The school are being deliberatly obstructive if theyre saying that tey cant refer to camhs.

Your son could be picking this up from all sorts of places. I think hes been exposed to porn. Maybe on someones phone if your internet is on lockdown?

Your son is only seven, hes still very little. If hes saying it in context, and hes also resistant and would be violent and bite you for trying to make him do what he doesnt want to do, then he needs some sort of intervention.

If the school are saying go to the doctor, then maybe go by yourself without him for advice. They may be able to refer you for some family support to tackle his behaviour.

This doesnt sound like anything you are doing wrong, but i can see youre feeling humiliated and scared by this. Youre doing all you can in a really stressful situation, and youre grieving too xx

missbishi · 28/01/2016 19:23

He makes sexually inappropriate comments to other people. Right now, he's seven. By the time he is ten, he will be deemed capable of committing an offence.

Start pushing for help TOMORROW.

Lightbulbon · 28/01/2016 19:33

You can contact ss yourself for support or advice.

You don't have to be 'reported' by another person/agency.

Your ds needs help with his bereavement. It's seems like this may be behind his medical phobia.

Camhs need to assess him.

Don't tell him you are going to the GP and take someone else with out to help control him.

The pencil comment doesn't sound sexual.

But it does seem that he could have been exposed to online porn out with the family home.

redexpat · 28/01/2016 19:35

Oh wow just seen your updates. That does all sound very sexual. I think i would call SS in your shoes. Youre not a shit mum. A shit mum wouldnt notice that something was amiss and if she did she wouldnt approach the school for help, nor would she ask MN for advice. Flowers

Gruntfuttock · 28/01/2016 19:37

OP since your parents don't have parental controls on the things your son uses, is he being supervised when he uses them? If not, why not? He's getting these ideas from somewhere.

mathanxiety · 28/01/2016 19:45

Ah now come on, AutumnSky. You need to have a word with yourself.
You are being unreasonable and irrational wrt CMs. They are inspected. They have to keep records. They have training and a solid interest in the reputation of their business. They do their best for children in their care and they are professionals.

Otoh, your mum doesn't have parental controls on her own computer and your DS has clearly picked up something very troubling in her home, since you have ruled out all other places and sources, and it is very likely he has seen porn.

Call SS yourself.

Footle · 28/01/2016 20:16

OP, get real ! Your son has sustained damage from someone, somewhere. The problem would be to find a child minder who could fit him in with any other children she cares for. I do wonder, as another poster said, how school can manage him and how long it will be before other parents insist on some meaningful action.

LagunaBubbles · 29/01/2016 10:35

The problem I have with a CM is... I don't know them and I can't trust them - you hear of such horrible stories about them!

Do you? Thankfully the parents of my DHs mindees dont think the same as you. Someone somewhere in your sons life is exposing him to porn or worse and you think its registered childminders you cant trust.....

Original poster
AutumnSky123 · 29/01/2016 10:43

Look, I know everyone has different views on it - I don't knock people for using childminders... But I'd rather not bring someone else into my son's life. As for the not trusting, no, I don't. Just as much as I wouldn't trust my son alone around a teachers house/alone with a doctor. Yep, it's terrible I have that view, but it's just how I think. You literally can't trust anyone in this world.

OP posts:
firesidechat · 29/01/2016 10:45

Ok, but there is definitely someone or something in your son's life that you can't trust. That's a fact. He is getting this from somewhere and you NEED to find out where and help him.

Only1scoop · 29/01/2016 10:53

Have you spoken to anyone in RL yet autumn?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/01/2016 10:54

Your unwillingness to trust people is strong. Is there a reason for that? Could your son be picking up your caution/distrust around doctors?

Your son needs help.

Footle · 29/01/2016 11:12

Why is his grandmother bribing him ?

LagunaBubbles · 29/01/2016 11:17

You literally can't trust anyone in this world

Yes you can and it is necessary for healthy relationships. The fact you seem to have such a strong rigid view on this suggests your difficulties with this need to be addressed.

Original poster
AutumnSky123 · 29/01/2016 11:19

He bribes him, so he can get stuff and behave... I wouldn't want to take him away from her, she adores him and it would break her. I have booked a doctors appointment, but it's for Monday.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 29/01/2016 11:22

Autumn would you please answer the question I asked earlier:-

"since your parents don't have parental controls on the things your son uses, is he being supervised when he uses them? If not, why not? He's getting these ideas from somewhere."

Original poster
AutumnSky123 · 29/01/2016 11:26

Sorry

I'm not sure, he only uses an iPad round there and I hope DM is watching him.

OP posts:
RattusRattus · 29/01/2016 11:30

Gosh OP it sounds like your son is very angry with you over your DH's death. I don't know much about it but anger is a massive part of grief. Not sure about the sexual language but it sounds to me like you both need some support. Please try and trust your GP - they genuinely want to help.

Surely the school has access to some kind of external support network that can provide support?

Gruntfuttock · 29/01/2016 11:35

You hope your mother is watching him? Well, hasn't it occurred to you that it may be at your parents' house that he has had access to unsuitable material?

Footle · 29/01/2016 11:39

If you've discounted all the possible scenarios,you have to go back and look at the impossible ones. Because something has happened, apart from the loss of his father.

Toomuch2young · 29/01/2016 11:39

Autumn.
You have received some very good advice already. I would be very surprised if school are not escalating this under safeguarding procedure. Your little boy has been exposed to highly inapropriate content and you need to access help today.
Call your gp now and go and see them.
Contact school and ask for a meeting to discuss access to therapy via them.
Stop letting him go to your mums at the moment. An afterschool club may meet your need if you don't want to use a registered child minder.
This really is serious and you need to take action to help your little boy.
I am sorry you have had such a horrific time and hope you can access bereavement counselling also. Flowers

Veritat · 29/01/2016 12:28

As a minimum, you need to cut down quite drastically on the amount of time he spends at your mother's, and talk to her about stopping bribing him: tell her that if she continues you will be unable to let him visit at all. And make sure she knows you mean it.

But the main thing is finding out where he gets this stuff from. If he won't tell you, might he tell the mentor at school?

Catphrase · 29/01/2016 12:53

Does he have head phones on his iPod? Just thinking she wouldn't know what he's watching.

Footle · 29/01/2016 13:50

Stopping the bribery might be really useful.

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