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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think there is something wrong with DS?

207 replies

AutumnSky123 · 27/01/2016 23:02

DS is 7 y/o and I'm seriously concerned... I've been called into his school, many times, due to him using sexually explicit language and it's incredibly embarrassing/concerning - I have no idea how he knows about the stuff he is saying. I've heard him saying such things to our cat/his teddies too and I have no idea how to deal with it :(

OP posts:
VivaHate · 28/01/2016 11:48

You are certainly not a shit mum!

You are trying to help your son in a very difficult and "niche" situation. I think anyone would struggle to know what to do.

Would a phone consultation with the GP be possible? To lay out your specific concerns and to see if a home visit would be possible maybe.

(And just to reiterate; not. a. shit. mum.)

LagunaBubbles · 28/01/2016 11:59

I think the best place to start is the GP and if you have difficulty getting him there you need to make an appointment just for you to start the ball rolling.

Shineyshoes10 · 28/01/2016 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlwaysandForever09 · 28/01/2016 12:07

Just a thought OP, you said he behaves well at your DMs can she maybe try coming along to the Drs with you? Or have you tried this? Apologies if so. Hope things get sorted soon, and you are not a shit mum! your DS just needs some help that's all Flowers

starry0ne · 28/01/2016 12:29

There are issues here for you and DS...

Is your DS behaving at school? other than the comments? If so he may well be angry at you ( possibly part of grieving)

You do have to do something now though if you can't control him at 7 it is only going to get worse....

Are you giving up? struggling because of grief..Anything for an easy life because it isn't working out that way...

You also need to deal with the dr fear...

I got my DS referred to CAHMS without him at appointment so you can go and explain but also maybe get your mum to go too...

Original poster
AutumnSky123 · 28/01/2016 12:58

About the comments he makes, he does make some worse ones, but probably inappropriate to put here (I actually feel slightly uncomfortable writing them). He is not the best behaved at school, no. He doesn't have any friends at school, either and I know that makes him feel isolated... He is purposely good at my mum's because he makes comments like "I was so good for nanny and she got me a toy, but I'm never going to be good for a horrible mum like you" and honestly, it brings me to tears most days. Yes, I am on a waiting list for counselling, due to my DH... At school, DS has a lot of 1-2-1 time, a mentor who he sees on Wednesday and a lady who he does art with, on a Monday, they're doing a lot for him.

OP posts:
Marniasmum · 28/01/2016 14:01

He'll get it from the TV, from his friends in the playground (who are more street-smart and know not to repeat it in front of adults), from overheard conversations when you are out and about.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/01/2016 14:06

Firstly sorry for your loss.
I know it might be hard to look back but how was your DS's behaviour before your DH died? Was there a problem before that has now escalated or is this something new?

fitznmolly · 28/01/2016 15:37

Autumnsky123
Who else lives in the house with you and your son? Couldn't they help you to get him to the DR?

Original poster
AutumnSky123 · 28/01/2016 15:42

No one else lives at home with us and I suppose I can ask for mum's help, but I hate the way she deals with him... She'll buy him a toy if he goes and I dislike that a lot - she bribes him with toys all the time and it is making him disrespect me if I don't get him a toy.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnSky123 · 28/01/2016 15:43

His behavior was better when DH was here, but it was never perfect, but I suppose no kid's is!

OP posts:
fitznmolly · 28/01/2016 15:46

Sorry op but who is the we

No, we have really good Parental Controls and he can only get on the Internet, in the living room and we are always about...

Original poster
AutumnSky123 · 28/01/2016 15:53

The first we was referring to DS and I as in the Parental Controls, I suppose they aren't exactly his! And for the we are always about is referring to someone always being about when using the computer - either me, my sister, mum, dad - they are around quite a bit to help out (due to them needing to be with him while I am at work)

OP posts:
thebestfurchinchilla · 28/01/2016 16:09

OP does he have contact with his dad? What does he access there?

thebestfurchinchilla · 28/01/2016 16:11

Sorry just realised your circumstances re DH. Very sorry Flowers

Jayne35 · 28/01/2016 16:13

OP is a widow thebest

Footle · 28/01/2016 16:43

Why is she bribing him ? In the circumstances, it doesn't sound right. Sorry.

RivieraKid · 28/01/2016 16:45

he does make some worse ones, but probably inappropriate to put here

I'm assuming that these ones actually are sexual in nature? Agree with PPs that the pencil thing might not be.

mathanxiety · 28/01/2016 17:53

I am going to repost what Redexpat posted:
there are 2 issues here. You need to be in charge, and you need to get to the bottom of where he has learned these phrases. It is a sign that he could be being abused. If he wont tell you, then get an appt with the safeguarding person at his school. If youre not happy with the outcome then i would contact ss directly. Someone needs to get it out of him.

If you are struggling to be the authority then you need to learn how to do it. So read some books (how to talk so children will listen is a good one) and see if you can find some parenting classes.

I'd also keep a diary of what happened and when, who you contacted and how, what was said/agreed. It can be hard to remember everything all the time.

You should find a qualified CM to take care of your DS while you are at work. It seems to me your mum is in over her head and is actually causing a major problem here by being so unable to assert authority when she is looking after him.

After having your DS assessed by social services I would look into private counselling for him.

Branleuse · 28/01/2016 18:00

The school definitely can refer him to camhs. It doesnt have to be through the doctors at all.

The school should maybe refer him for some therapy.

My dds school have refered her to camhs so for some reason your sons school are being disruptive.

I think if you have good parental controls on your computer and doesnt play round other peoples houses then he is hearing it from school friends.

Is he calling people sexual names, or is he being sexually aggressive to people.

I mean for instance, theres a difference between saying "fuck off", to "i want to fuck you" etc etc,

Original poster
AutumnSky123 · 28/01/2016 18:17

The problem I have with a CM is... I don't know them and I can't trust them - you hear of such horrible stories about them! :(

His school said the rules have changed now and they no longer do CAMHS referrals? Hmm

He is sexual aggressive to people... Sometimes it isn't aggressive, more so him saying "I like your..." and then using inappropriate words for Vagina.

OP posts:
Balaboosta · 28/01/2016 18:31

Please, OP, you really do not need to take your child with you to the GP in order to get a referral. I have had both children assessed for ASD without them being present in front of doctor.

And as for Daughter, then 4, came home from her first day at school with a new rhyme about having lost her bra and lost her knickers in her boyfriend's car. - ha ha ha

Balaboosta · 28/01/2016 18:33

And although it may not be appropriate to chuck the diagnostics around, ADHD can present as impulsive speech FWIW.

And... You are NOT a shit mum.

BitchPeas · 28/01/2016 18:33

OP this is really really worrying. Call the NSPCC and talk it through with them. The phrases are extreme.

BitchPeas · 28/01/2016 18:36

and OP I really hate to be blunt here but IRT your last post, if he is saying I like your cunt/pussy, you need to call social services straight away and get him seen by a professional. Please! If it's, fanny/Minnie/twinkle, I wouldn't be so worried.

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