...to think there is something wrong with DS?

[AutumnSky123]

DS is 7 y/o and I'm seriously concerned... I've been called into his school, many times, due to him using sexually explicit language and it's incredibly embarrassing/concerning - I have no idea how he knows about the stuff he is saying. I've heard him saying such things to our cat/his teddies too and I have no idea how to deal with it :(

You sound so overwhelmed OP, and no wonder. Besides only being widowed a year ago, you have a very angry grieving little boy to deal with too. You do realise that he doesn't mean that he doesn't want you - he just wants his dad back and is lashing out at you, as you are the closest person to him. He's probably terrified he might lose you too, and in defence is pushing you away.

I agree that you should seek help from all angles - school, gp, bereaved children's charities, even SS.

Also agree with pp that you should definitely speak with your ds and reinforce that he isn't naughty or unloved, and that you only want to help him by discovering who has been teaching him to say these things. The book advised earlier also sounds like a very good idea.

Do you have access to professional support for yourself op? It might help things if you felt on a more even keel (not that I'm suggesting for a minute that your mindset has anything to do with ds's behaviour, just more how you feel about it).

And of course it's ok to talk about things with others for support on here.

Btw, the point of the report facility is that it's anonymous - the rules say you're not supposed to announce your actions.

It does sound like something is disturbing him very deeply. I'm sorry you're going through so much at the moment.

Ringing Young Minds for some initial advice & pointers looks a good idea. I hope they can give you some help

That's ironic coming straight after a spambot post

Child Bereavement UK is excellent.

would he really start knowing how to access that stuff at my parents'?
Are you serious?
All he would have to do is type in one word, like 'sex', that he might have heard in the playground or wherever, and he would get 999,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 hits.

Very clearly he is picking up all of this at your mum's house.

You need to find out what is going on there and put an end to it. Set parental controls, but first you might like to take any laptops or computers he may have used to see if a computer place can figure out what he has been looking at. A business that fixes computers can probably help do this.

You need to get a pair of very thick gloves and a padded jacket and drag him to the doctor.

Daughter, then 4, came home from her first day at school with a new rhyme about having lost her bra and lost her knickers in her boyfriend's car. She was in Reception class. She certainly didn't get any of those ideas from home and I don't think it was on the curriculum. So schoolmates could be providing the language and ideas you are not comfortable with.

Also be aware that if the child is 'minded', even by family members, that means that you are not in control for some of the time. An adult with ill-intent, or who did not realise that the child was paying attention, might be viewing inappropriate material with the child present. I would also wonder who is telling him he is 'a clever boy' for knowing such language and ideas.

Is that aimed at me? What a silly comment.

The meltdowns going to the doctor are odd

It only takes one child with an older sibling and all sorts of language can be introduced. In DS1 class when at primary there was one boy who was easily manipulated and would often say or do inappropriate things on the promise of a closer friendship, it took quite a while for the truth to come out. A few parents who had been the most vocal had a lot of egg on their face when it came clear their boys had instigated it.

Has school offered support at all? You could request a CAF/TAC meeting which will allow you to talk about the support you think DS needs- such as family support workers doing "wishes and feelings" work to help him deal with the emotions he has after the death of his father. They could also look at counselling facilities in your area.

Have you looked at Winstons Wish which gives guidance on helping bereaved children. I'm not sure if school has looked at this, but I found it hugely helpful when I was working with a bereaved child a few years ago.

I'm not sure where the language has been learned, but he is clearly struggling to deal with anger (not surprisingly) and is expressing it in any way which attracts attention. He will need support to move on in his emotions.

Im going to dish out some tough love.

I cant imagine what it must be like to be widowed with a young child and be dealing with this by yourself. But because its hard isnt a reason to give up. You owe your son that. Dont pussy foot around him because some children act out when theyre grieving. Children arent stupid and they will simply see it as a green light to do as they please. He is testing you.

As a pp said there are 2 issues here. You need to be in charge, and you need to get to the bottom of where he has learned these phrases. It is a sign that he could be being abused. If he wont tell you, then get an appt with the safeguarding person at his school. If youre not happy with the outcome then i would contact ss directly. Someone needs to get it out of him.

If you are struggling to be the authority then you need to learn how to do it. So read some books (how to talk so children will listen is a good one) and see if you can find some parenting classes.

Id also keep a diary of what happened and when, who you contacted and how, what was said/agreed. It can be hard to remember everything all the time.

From your posts its tough to gauge if you understand the urgency. These things need to be dealt with now. They wont go away by themselves, its more likely they will get worse.

Have you got some support in RL?

Im sorry if I have got the wrong end of the stick and have been too harsh. Your posts are quite vague so it really is tricky to guage.

He is getting it from somewhere.

It's either school or out of school.

Ask the school if any other kids are using the language.

You seem sure he isn't picking it up from someone who looks after him. If you are right it's the school.

Can you go to the doctors and discuss the problem and tell them he won't come. And start there.

My doctor did this when I was concerned about dds weight. I spoke to him and he gave me some advice (including taking her off school dinners at secondary, but that's another thread). I was concerned that taking her would make her upset.

I can pick up my 11 year old but not everyone can physically force a 7 year old.

I know it's only the one example you were prepared to give, OP, but waving a pencil and saying "I'm going to put this in you" could just as easily be him acting out one of the injections he had seen his DDad being given, as anything sexual.

Quite Balloonslayer

Can you get him to the GP on the basis that it's necessary so that he can be referred to another doctor who can help him with all the anger he's feeling?

I think you really need to talk to your parents about getting parental controls sorted at their house, and also ask him again where he is getting this stuff from, pointing out that the cleverest boy in the world still has to get what he learns from somewhere.

A seven year old should not be making decisions about whether or not he goes to the doctor.

Nspcc have a helpline for this kind of stuff. They are very good. They have ideas of how to find out things and help you and your ds.

I would stop him going anywhere outside school tbh. And ask him why he thinks it's clever- does anyone else think he's clever and so so infront of you?

You can get private counselling for primary age, which could be for bereavement and other issues. Make sure they are aware of the potential issues and present it to your ds as someone safe to talk to who won't tell you things unless he agrees they can.

It takes two of us to take ds2 to a medical professional. All the time he is kicking, swearing, spitting and attempting to escape from the room. It is not worth it. Go to the GP on your own and ask for a referral to CAMHS. Ask for a letter from school confirming difficulties as evidence and take this with you. All the GP will do is refer on so he really doesn't need to see your son. When you eventually get a CAMHS appointment again go initially on your own and then request a home visit which they will do if the child is too distressed to go to

I'd watch for the content of the phrases changing and note when that happens. You maybe able to gauge where he's hearing it from then.
I wonder if the Lucy faithful foundation can advise you and second winstons wish as well.
Id say he definitely needs some play therapy to help him process his feelings. Can you ask the school if they can fund it? CAmhs don't do play therapy so you'd have to get it funded or pay for it.
I agree that its vital to try to find out where he first heard these things.

I agree with baloonslayer . If a 7 year old in my class came out with that pencil comment, it wouldn't occur to me that it was sexual, more that they were going to poke them in the arm or something with it.