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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to a wedding when the invite has one of those stupid money beging poems in it

360 replies

bloated1977 · 27/01/2016 18:38

Apparently they think shopping is a pain so we can gratefully give them cash or cheques. AIBU to actually buy them a present?

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 30/01/2016 18:39

I went to a wedding and didn't take a gift. I was single and had barely any money at all and even rationed my drinks at the reception. I am still friends with the bride.

Gwenhwyfar · 30/01/2016 21:12

"It's likely the smalle the wedding, the longer the marriage as it's truly about the vows"

I'm not sure about that Autumn (though my aunt and uncle married about 40 years ago with only them and two witnesses). I'm as suspicious of those who insist on really small weddings as I am of those who want massive ones. What have they got to hide?

LeaLeander · 31/01/2016 10:34

I'm 52 and every big white wedding I've been to, except one, the marriage ended in divorce. Every modest home wedding or other small do, or elopement, still going strong. Interesting how consistent that is.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2016 11:00

I've been to quite a few big white weddings that have lasted, but I'm also Latina/Hispanic and large, Catholic weddings are common enough. My sister had an enormous one, but I'm the one who has been married 3x (all small/elopement) and she's still going strong 25 years on. My folks had a massive one, too, nearly 52 years ago.

TheCatsMeow · 31/01/2016 11:03

I'm as suspicious of those who insist on really small weddings as I am of those who want massive ones. What have they got to hide?

Hmm

Maybe they're introverts? Maybe they don't like big parties? Maybe they don't want to spend lots of money?

ValerieTheHorse · 31/01/2016 11:19

I'm having a really small wedding and have nothing to hide, we just have a lot of family and friends and it had to be tiny (immediate family and 4 friends) or we'd have to invite EVERYONE and they don't know each other and they live all over the place and we'd have to pay for 100+ people to have dinner and we don't have that sort of money.

Fwiw we are sending out 9 invites and they don't mention presents or money in them. If people ask, we will say we don't want presents as there is nothing we need especially (we could do with 20k for a house deposit but we aren't going to get that with less than 20 guests haha! Plus it's not their job to fund our lives purely because we're getting hitched) and then if they get us something or give us money that will be nice, but if they don't we genuinely dont mind. We are not getting married for presents. We aren't going on honeymoon either, and we're paying for our 2k wedding ourselves because we want to have a celebration and can afford it. Sorted.

Shutthatdoor · 31/01/2016 13:18

I'm as suspicious of those who insist on really small weddings as I am of those who want massive ones. What have they got to hide?

Well that wins the prize for strangest comment of the week Hmm

Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2016 13:23

I knew it would be controversial Smile

TheCatsMeow · 31/01/2016 13:24

What do you think they're hiding lol?

Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2016 13:39

Why is it Ok for people to say they're suspicious of very big weddings, but not to say the same for very small weddings?
It's not that their hiding a particular thing, it's more 'why don't they want to make a public declaration in front of family and friends?'. And it's not a budget thing because you can have a medium wedding on a budget.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 31/01/2016 13:44

It's not that their hiding a particular thing, it's more 'why don't they want to make a public declaration in front of family and friends?'

Because they don't want to. Why is that so difficult to understand?

expatinscotland · 31/01/2016 13:49

'And it's not a budget thing because you can have a medium wedding on a budget.'

Maybe they can't be arsed. I fucking hate getting dressed up. I hate planning parties. It sucks. My idea of a party involves a bunch of ChicagoTown pizzas, sausages rolls, ceilidh dancing and getting drunk. I couldn't be fucked organising a big party. So I ran off to get married. Nothing to hide.

TheCatsMeow · 31/01/2016 13:50

Because maybe they don't like parties? What's hard about that?

I prefer small groups to big groups. I'm not married but I don't want a massive wedding, I also think it's a waste of money

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 31/01/2016 13:52

Maybe because a wedding is supposed to be about love, commitment and the vows not some huge party the bride needs to have to show off.

tinofbiscuits · 31/01/2016 14:07

MN always seems to attract rude comments about large weddings.

TheCatsMeow · 31/01/2016 14:10

It's not rude to say some people prefer small weddings

tinofbiscuits · 31/01/2016 14:19

I'm referring to comments like

"It's likely the smalle the wedding, the longer the marriage as it's truly about the vows."

"Large weddings are about the bride wanting her special day"

"a wedding is supposed to be about love, commitment and the vows not some huge party the bride needs to have to show off"

"I wouldn't want a big party because people argue over silly things"

"it's a waste of money"

TheCatsMeow · 31/01/2016 14:22

tin I said the last two. It's a waste of money for ME. Just like me buying a football season ticket would be, because it's not something I'd enjoy.

I do think large groups mean you can't please everyone.

I don't have a problem with others doing it though

tinofbiscuits · 31/01/2016 14:23

I went to a large wedding earlier this year. The couple were totally serious about their vows, they were very hospitable to everyone on their special day, it was clearly about love and commitment, they are not "show off" types at all, there were no arguments and there didn't seem to be anything wasteful about the day.

Ragwort · 31/01/2016 16:23

LeaLeander - I agree with you, obviously not a scientific study but every big white wedding I've been too (with one exception) has ended in divorce, I am in my late 50s and been to lots of weddings. Grin

I think that's why I am so disillusioned with big weddings, sadly. I live in dread that my DS will want a big wedding.

I have been married over 25 years myself - very small wedding, only five guests and no presents Grin.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2016 19:12

"Because they don't want to. Why is that so difficult to understand?"

Why don't they want to? It's a bit unusual, just like having a massive wedding with lots of fuss is unusual at the other extreme. It's quite funny how it's OK to question an unusually large wedding, but not an unusually small one.

TheCatsMeow · 31/01/2016 19:20

Gwenhwy because some people don't like large parties?

Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2016 19:22

TheCats, I can understand people who don't like large parties with lots of people they don't know, but their wedding would be their family and friends all chosen by them. Can't see why they wouldn't like that. Of course there are exceptions like very difficult family dynamics...

TheCatsMeow · 31/01/2016 19:26

Gwenhwy but some people don't like large parties at all, even if they like all the people!

LeaLeander · 31/01/2016 19:28

Having a small wedding is not unusual. It certainly was the norm before the 1960s and even then they were small by our standards - home catered, or in a church hall, etc. cake & punch, no meal. It was only in the 1980s that the wedding industry started pushing big extravaganzas.

My elderly neighbor was telling me when she got married, they each had a tailored grey suit made (hers with skirt, his with trousers) rather than waste money on wedding attire. Her sister and brother in law went with them to the church where they were married in five minutes as an add-on to the regular sunday morning service; her own mother didn't even go as she was home cooking the lunch for half a dozen friends and relatives who would be joining them. She didn't feel deprived.

My own sister was being married in 2004 at her future husband's home in the countryside and it so happened they had scheduled the ceremony (judge, not clergy) for the start time of an important US Triple Crown horse race. When the dozen or so family & guests pointed that out to her, she ran to the bedroom, hopped into her dress (pink tea length), the judge flung on his black robes and we all raced outdoors; the ceremony was performed under the arbor 1/2 an hour earlier than planned - took 10 minutes - we all had champagne and then crowded into their small TV room to watch the race. It's quite an amusing memory for all concerned and they are no less married. Meal was cold roast of beef, ham, turkey, lots of cheeses and sides - buffet style.