To not want to go to a wedding when the invite has one of those stupid money beging poems in it

[bloated1977]

Apparently they think shopping is a pain so we can gratefully give them cash or cheques. AIBU to actually buy them a present?

I think behind all this is the thought of not wanting to pay for somebody else's wedding. Not wanting to be their way of recuperating wedding costs, or paying for their honeymoon. However nowadays many will already have set up home together and have mostly what they need, and simply won't want or need a houseful of gifts.

Personally? I don't care about cash requests, it makes sense to me. But if I didn't want to give cash Id use Groupon or Wowcher and buy the couple a "day experience for an activity I think they'd like

caitlin - "crappy Caribbean island" - errm really?! How ignorant

Money poems are usually along the lines of 'we want your presence, not your presents.....oh well, if you insist, we'll take a cheque, thanks.'

This one is just outright asking for money, which i don't like.

OK. Which would you prefer to get?

a) We really hope you can come to our wedding and we'd love to share our celebration with you. No presents are expected; but if you do want to give us something, contributions towards our honeymoon/ new home will be welcome.

b) "For many years we've lived in sin
We have the toaster, plastic bin
A set of glasses and of plates
We don't need more on our wedding date!
so we hope you don't think we're being funny
When we say we'd like your money
Cause weddings cost an awful lot
And we're forking out lots from our pot
To keep you bastards watered, fed
And seated while we're getting wed
But it's the wedding of my dreams
(Although a bit beyond our means)
So help us with the cost so steep
And make sure you dig extra deep
And give us loads of lovely lolly
To make our wedding extra jolly
So put the cash in the wishing well
And make a wish - but ssh! don't tell!
And if you're generous we're sure
That you will get what you wished for!"

OK, it's a bit transparent, but you get the idea (and some bits have been copied from real invitations). a) to my mind is perfectly OK, but the twee poem is really unnecessary and comes across as a bit insulting (do they honestly think I was going to give them a plastic bin???)

It's the same old shite though, however it's phrased. "Wedding of our dreams - bit beyond our means" is the bottom line really.
Give the party that's within your means and you won't have to debase yourselves asking guests to cover the fecking costs of your "dream" do.
If I got a request like that I'd give them a rainbow coloured array of plastic bins; one for every day if the week and two for Sundays

The honeymoon 'contributions' always makes me laugh. Does this mean they're not going on a honeymoon if the money only totals up to caravan in Skegness rather than an all-inclusive week in Cyprus? If they're already booked it, then it's paid for? Or they went into debt for it (in which case, have a cheaper holiday)?

Mistress, there are, very sadly, some really crap places in the Caribbean. It's sad but a lot of places are quite dangerous there.

I agree, Hoping and Flogging.

Sadly I made the middle bit up Flogging... but the first six and last four lines are from real invitations.

The weddings I've been to for people I know well have never included a twee poem; the weddings I'm sure I've been invited to to make up the numbers always have.

expat crap places in Caribbean sounds really ignorant and generalising to me..not that I think the crap word was referring to danger at all. Its a different word isn't it. Looking left and right it doesn't seem crap here to me tho, so it'll do

Why do you assume the money is going towards the wedding? It could go on anything

Why would you moan about giving them something useful?

Neither of those vlad. They're dressed up differently but the message is identical.

The more i think about it, the more I wonder if the 'bad etiquette' of asking for something is just some archaic rule that played some part for the upper classes to keep the lower classes in check. But reading that 4 out 5 weddings now have some sort of request for cash makes me think that its bad manners to ask for stuff is definitely dying out. Do people think its bad manners to ask for other stuff, such as a pay raise?

Harassed I'm completely with you. But I'll get accused of being a class warrior if I dare mention it, so I'm glad you said it

itsmine so it's just because they asked? Isn't that rather...silly? You're only annoyed that they asked, that makes no sense. They know you'll give a gift, YOU know you'll give a gift, best to make it easier

I really don't see the problem with cash requests or gift lists. It's just practical that the gift wish is on the invitation rather than having to call b & g or other random people to request the bleeding information. Saves everyone's time and electricity.

And if I've given money, I really don't care how they spend it. It's none of my business after I've handed it over.

I'm not british so I don't really understand this "ooooh it's so rude". Why beat around the bush, it's just easier that the gift list/money request is there, then it's up to you decide to what to do. It's not a command but a request after all.

The more i think about it, the more I wonder if the 'bad etiquette' of asking for something is just some archaic rule that played some part for the upper classes to keep the lower classes in check.

No nothing to do with 'class'. I'm very much WC and don't like it.

Helipad I'm not fully British either and I too find some of the "oooh it's rude" stuff strange. Like you said it's just practical

Humpty that person didn't mean that only upper class people dislike it, they meant perhaps it's become a social norm descended from that.

id class myself as scottish rather than british and totally think its stupid, as would most if not all people i know. And TCM thats exactly how i meant it, that is has become social norm (although now dying out thank god) descended from some shitty etiquette from god knows what century. where the poor daren't ask for anything because how fucking dare they lol

"For many years we've lived in sin
We have the toaster, plastic bin
A set of glasses and of plates
We don't need more on our wedding date!
so we hope you don't think we're being funny
When we say we'd like your money
So put the cash in the wishing well
And make a wish - but ssh! don't tell!
And if you're generous we're sure
That you will get what you wished for!"

I've removed vlad's excellent (and more honest) addition and left the bits that come from real 'gies yer cash' poems.

We can all agree it's a bloody awful poem, in every way. The worst thing is that it pretends they're doing you a favour. The OP's crappy poem suggests they're saving you the bother of shopping (even though you still need to get a card to put the cash or cheque in). This one pretends that by being generous you'll get what you wish for.

It's outrageously cheeky and insulting to your guests.

harassed i definitely think there's an element of that involved

FTR my cousin asked for cash. Her mum was dying and so she bought her wedding forward and didn't have the money to pay for everything.

Luckily people were lovely and did a lot of things for free for her. But fuck asking right

I wonder if pp feel upset by the poems as they feel they're being manipulated into giving money?

However since pp think an outright request is 'rude' then the happy couple are stuck between a rock and a hard place really!

Maybe pp should charge everyone to come to their weddings instead!

TheCat - that is an entirely different situation where it is appropriate to ask for financial help towards the wedding (rather than as presents).

I really don't understand why people will spend thousands and thousands of pounds on a stupidly grand and OTT wedding and still expect 'cash' as presents.

Perhaps some guests are just as bad as they feel they have to give a present - the last wedding I went to (which was the second for the groom and third for the bride ) - I just didn't take a gift. Surely people are invited for their company rather than what they will take as a present.

(And no, I didn't expect or receive gifts at my own wedding).

I think the thing that bothers me about poems is the theory that it's not cheeky if it rhymes. I don't know where the theory came from, but it's stooopid.

I actually don't mind putting money in a card, but it does make you feel a bit awkward because a twenty pound note doesn't look much and if that's all you can mange, then you might feel embarrassed. I preferred it when you could buy something and wrap it up elaborately and LOOK as if you spent more than you did.

The last wedding you went to...you didn't take a gift Ragwort. That's a bit mean isn't it? I could never turn up empty handed. As I wouldn't to any party or celebration that I was invited to.

For a second wedding I'd give a card and maybe a bottle of wine or a plant. No need for anything by that stage as there can't be anything they would need house wise and the whole idea of a wedding gift was to equip the couple in their first home together as adults.

Spending huse amounts of money on what is essentially a party and then expecting to recoup the costs from your guests is just horrendous. If you begrudge spending the money in the first place, just go for something smaller.

It's likely the smalle the wedding, the longer the marriage as it's truly about the vows. Large weddings are about the bride wanting her special day, the man seems almost irrelevant and just an element that's needed.