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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

im bridesmaid to a bridezilla who won't come to my own wedding

240 replies

selfishbride · 25/01/2016 22:41

I'm bridesmaid for one of my friends in July, we met at uni and have been very close for 10 years. Over Christmas I got expectantly got engaged myself, and friend was very happy for me giving me flowers and a card etc.

Fast forward to me giving her a save the date for my own wedding in August, and she replied straight away saying she was going to another wedding. No apology, no explanation.

On meeting with her she explained the wedding was of a close friend of her hubby to be, however she barely knows the guy or his wife to be. I questioned why her husband to be could not go to that wedding and her to mine. However this doesn't appear to be an option she wants to consider.
This was after asking me loads of questions about my wedding then at the end of the discussion she just said 'Shame I can't come'.

I'm devastated and cant understand why she has made the decision not to attend my wedding, as if I would without a doubt attend her wedding over one of my fiancées friends.

The wedding she says she's attending is not booked in any manner, the couple don't even have a venue. So it is not that she already has hotel, transport etc. Our wedding is all booked.

It makes it worse that she is the most demanding bride when it comes to being her bridesmaid. Constant bridesmaids meetings and being really fussy over things and generally very demanding. Its upsetting me that I am doing all these things for her yet feel she doesn't care enough to return the favour for me or even attend my day. She would have been my bridesmaid.

What do you guys think? I'm unsure what to do so am currently avoiding her but due to attend another bridesmaid meeting soon so cant for much longer!

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 26/01/2016 13:53

I'm with MrsGently and maybebaby.

People are assuming the friend has already RSVP'd for the other wedding. But she can't have done - they haven't even booked it yet, let alone sent out invitations.

Even if you think the friend should go to the other wedding, surely you must agree that she should have been nicer to the OP about it? She could have expressed some regret about not being to go, at the very least.

And the idea that she is somehow justified because the OP hadn't asked her to be bridesmaid yet... It beggars belief. If she was hurt about it, she could have actually said so, rather than being petty and refusing to attend.

Muskateersmummy · 26/01/2016 14:01

I agree Emma that she could have handled it better, but also think if op wanted her to be bridesmaid she would have handled the whole thing better too. I asked my bridesmaids to be bridesmaids before I had decided on venue and date. It was asked as soon as we became engaged.

That said if I had been the friend I would have said "oh gosh I'm so sorry we have already promised to go to X's wedding that day, I really can't cancel, but can I still help you with all your planning, we can compare notes it will be fun"

Headofthehive55 · 26/01/2016 14:07

Not inflexible, maybe just reliable. I wouldn't accept an invite to go out with work colleagues if I wasn't that friendly with them. And if I had said I would then I'd be there.

Flexibility as you put it involves letting people down, often at the last moment and thereby letting you know you aren't interested in them and to you they are on your z list. It's often hurtful.

Perhaps it's a regional thing.

If you are already committed it's generally accepted that it's unavoidable but you are not trying to be hurtful or rude.

And no you are not letting your friend down as you weren't already committed to her so no obligation.

maybebabybee · 26/01/2016 14:11

Perhaps it's a regional thing.

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life.

Flexibility as you put it involves letting people down, often at the last moment and thereby letting you know you aren't interested in them and to you they are on your z list. It's often hurtful.

You do realise that this is not what I do, don't you? My point was that sometimes you have to be a bit flexible and realise that some things take higher priority than others. EG my example earlier with my friend whose cousin was here from Brazil and she hadn't seen her in two years, yet we were meeting for dinner on the same night. I didn't mind remotely that friend went to see her cousin instead as it was much, much easier for friend and I to rearrange the dinner than for the cousin to be here from Brazil. I'm not that insecure that I took it as her not being interested in me

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 26/01/2016 14:28

Is it a regional thing to live in such a black and white world, Head?

'It's ok to not see your friends of years, regardless of the circumstance, because you have a prior commitment. It won't hurt their feelings, they must understand that once you say you're doing something else, with people you're nowhere near as close to, there is just no getting out of it. They can't have hurt feelings because they happened to arrage their event on the same day and should not be expected to be made priority'. Really?

Whitney168 · 26/01/2016 14:31

People are getting that the second wedding hasn't even been booked yet, let alone official invitation received and RSVP'd? If they haven't got anything booked yet, it may never even happen.

LagunaBubbles · 26/01/2016 14:45

But if you've accepted an invitation, you can't then turn it down

Of course you can! Plans change all the time, no-one can be in 2 places at the one time and it all depends on the situation. I would have no hesitation pulling out of (but I dont even see it as that here because nothing has been booked) someone I hardly knows wedding to attend my best friends wedding.

HanYOLO · 26/01/2016 14:53

A save the date is NOT a definite and fixed invitation. You are not bound by receiving and acknowledging one to attend.

Seen a million threads on here where people have saved the date only to be invited to a crappy evening do, or even, not at all.

My bet is that the DH's friend's wedding is abroad and they have planned their holiday round it. Will it be their first public outing as a married couple?

Muskateersmummy · 26/01/2016 14:56

I had a friend who got married abroad. She asked people if they were available to come before she booked the venue because it helped her gather numbers of people who a) could come and b) would be able to come to an abroad wedding. So if you have asked if you can come to a wedding on X date and you say yes, then you have accepted an invitation, just because it's not a written invite doesn't mean you haven't said you can go.

There are sometimes exceptional circumstances like a friend has made sudden arrangements to come over from abroad and it's the only night she can see you, but for me one close friend of mine asking me to a wedding wouldn't necessarily make me cancel plans to go to the wedding of a close friend of my husbands.

Playthegameout · 26/01/2016 15:25

If they have agreed to go to the other wedding, and she doesn't want to attend Op's wedding alone, it might not be a case of them being joined at the hip, could it be an issue of cost? Straight after their wedding and honeymoon it might be a financial stretch to find the cash for two hotel rooms/travel etc. In which case if they have told the other couple they're going to their wedding, that's what they should do. Sometimes you just have to compromise, and if the other couple asked first, that's life.

It's not unreasonable to be a bit upset, but it's one day, not a lifetime of crap behaviour. Weddings feel so big in the run up, but really they are just a day. Excluding all the wedding stuff, is she usually a good friend? If so it's not worth falling out over. People on here have been pretty foul about someone they don't have the first clue about.

Headofthehive55 · 26/01/2016 15:58

I think you are obligated if you have said yes to a save the date.

I do know of people that decide on a date (checked with key people first) book their wedding round the date. I did it that way!

Perhaps the op might have checked with the friend to see if she was free, ( if it was important for her to attend) rather than expecting her to drop one invite and putting her in an awkward situation. How do people know how far on plans for weddings are? The information is second or third hand.

I would not be able to get time off work in August, other than what I've already booked even if it is for a wedding. It's all a bit presumptuous.

Headofthehive55 · 26/01/2016 16:02

Yes really gently and maybe I know you find it difficult to imagine people living by a different set of standards or thoughts of what's reasonable but some of us do feel differently about that sort of thing.

It's not wrong, just a different set of expectations of people.

maybebabybee · 26/01/2016 16:06

So let me get this straight, hive. If you had arranged to go for dinner with a friend, for instance, and then a family member was taken ill and had to go to hospital, you'd say 'sorry, I'm having dinner with X, you'll have to wait'?

Or is that different? And if so where do you draw the line?

I completely accept other people are less flexible than I am, but your attitude seems rigid in the extreme to me.

iciclewinter · 26/01/2016 16:09

Flexibility as you put it involves letting people down, often at the last moment and thereby letting you know you aren't interested in them and to you they are on your z list. It's often hurtful.

I agree with Hive on the above.

Emergency situations as maybe describes are a different thing altogether.

gobbynorthernbird · 26/01/2016 16:10

But that would be an emergency, maybe. The situation here is more like ditching dinner with friend A to go to dinner with friend B.

Muskateersmummy · 26/01/2016 16:12

There will always be exceptions to the rule and obviously a family member being taken ill is different to deciding to go out with friends instead of a prearranged work night out.

LeaLeander · 26/01/2016 16:14

Setting aside the "must attend the first event accepted" question, which I generally agree with...

The OP's "friend" did not express deep regret when she learned of the conflicting dates. That would be a red flag to me that she is pouncing on the second wedding (before invitations likely have been issued & responded to) as an excuse not to attend the OP's nuptials.

Whether she is taking pique over having her "thunder stolen" (of all the petty, juvenile attitudes) or over not yet being asked to be a bridesmaid (I served as one numerous times and don't really recall the "ask" nor would it have occurred to me there was a deadline for that particular conversation) or over the notion that the OP won't be at HER beck & call for the next seven months because OP will be busy planning her own wedding ... who knows?

But none of them make her very attractive as a person or a friend. OP, with so much time before bridezilla's wedding, she won't be seriously inconvenienced if you bow out of being an attendant. Why should you waste the time, energy and money on such a childish, petulant person? I would withdraw immediately and politely, and enjoy planning your own instead. If she retracts your invitation to her event because you won't play servant for the next half year, you'll know where you stand.

maybebabybee · 26/01/2016 16:15

ok, so forget the hospital scenario. what about a scenario similar to that which happened to me with my friend recently.

you've arranged an informal dinner with a friend, who you see very regularly as you both live in the same city. The day before the dinner, a relative you love very much who you've not seen in two years tells you she is unexpectedly going to be in the same city for one evening only and asks if she can see you. It's on the same day as your dinner. Relative lives abroad and if you don't take the opportunity to see her now it's likely you won't see her for another 2 years.

hive's mentality would seem to suggest that she would say no to the relative on the grounds that she had already made this arrangement to the friend, when IME any decent friend would say 'you can see me whenever, this is your one chance to see X'.

I genuinely am flabbergasted that there are so many on this thread who thinks if you said yes to something first that takes precedent above all else, regardless of circumstance. It's not always black and white.

Muskateersmummy · 26/01/2016 16:21

No it's not always black or white. In that instance I would speak to the friend I see regularly, explain the situation and rebook a different night for dinner with her. If I was your regular friend I would totally understand the cancellation in that instance.

But if I was your close friend and you suddenly decided you needed to go out for dinner with one of your husbands close friends instead of with us, then I would think that is rude.

For me it's not about first acceptance above all else, it's when all is fair and equal which in this case it is, both are close friends of one of the couple, then you make a decision and that decision would be for me any way, we have already committed to this.

StealthPolarBear · 26/01/2016 16:25

But surely the situations are of equal status
wedding of a good friend
vs
wedding of a good friend

What if you planned to have dinner with friend a who was over from new Zealand for one night only but the day before had a call from friend b who lIves in Australia saying shes over for one night only and they clash.
that's a better analogy.

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 26/01/2016 16:26

I am not sure how getting married after someone else does is "stealing your thunder"????????

Or is she asking for a vote on "who's wedding was best?" from the guests or something?

HanYOLO · 26/01/2016 16:31

If my best mate told me she was getting married, but I had previously planned with DH to go to his mate's wedding (bearing in mind this is 8 months away) we would definitely go separately.

I smell a rat somewhere. It's quite a big co-incidence that they are on the same day. I bet OP's friend doesn't think (because she hasn't been asked) that she wants her to be bridesmaid and is hurt.

Devilishpyjamas · 26/01/2016 16:33

No ditching necessary. Husband goes to his friend's wedding (who, let's face it isn't going to give a shit whether wife is there or not) & wife goes to OP's wedding.

Unless they cannot be separated ever & God help that marriage.

Muskateersmummy · 26/01/2016 16:37

Surely it's not a case of can't be separated ever, as would like to go to weddings together ? Would like to spend some time together at the weekend? There could be any number of reasons she wants to go to the wedding with her hubby. It's not that strange or unreasonable to want to go to a wedding with your husband

Devilishpyjamas · 26/01/2016 16:42

But weird if you blow out a very good friend though (one of your best friends presumably as you've asked her to be a bridesmaid) - to go to the wedding of someone you hardly know.

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