im bridesmaid to a bridezilla who won't come to my own wedding

[selfishbride]

I'm bridesmaid for one of my friends in July, we met at uni and have been very close for 10 years. Over Christmas I got expectantly got engaged myself, and friend was very happy for me giving me flowers and a card etc.

Fast forward to me giving her a save the date for my own wedding in August, and she replied straight away saying she was going to another wedding. No apology, no explanation.

On meeting with her she explained the wedding was of a close friend of her hubby to be, however she barely knows the guy or his wife to be. I questioned why her husband to be could not go to that wedding and her to mine. However this doesn't appear to be an option she wants to consider.
This was after asking me loads of questions about my wedding then at the end of the discussion she just said 'Shame I can't come'.

I'm devastated and cant understand why she has made the decision not to attend my wedding, as if I would without a doubt attend her wedding over one of my fiancées friends.

The wedding she says she's attending is not booked in any manner, the couple don't even have a venue. So it is not that she already has hotel, transport etc. Our wedding is all booked.

It makes it worse that she is the most demanding bride when it comes to being her bridesmaid. Constant bridesmaids meetings and being really fussy over things and generally very demanding. Its upsetting me that I am doing all these things for her yet feel she doesn't care enough to return the favour for me or even attend my day. She would have been my bridesmaid.

What do you guys think? I'm unsure what to do so am currently avoiding her but due to attend another bridesmaid meeting soon so cant for much longer!

[BillSykesDog]

Could she be pregnant? I'm due around that time of year and am currently having to turn down weddings at that time of year without explanation because it's too early to tell people.

[selfishbride]

She isn't aware that she was going to be my bridesmaid as she didn't give me the opportunity to ask her.

She's never struck be as the jealous type before, and has never acted like this before which is why I'm so shocked by her reaction.

I understand she 'may' have a prior engagement as such, but if she likes me enough to be her bridesmaid then I think she should prioritise my wedding.

I know I need to meet with her and discuss how I feel, but I've been so angry and upset I thought I'd let the dust settle. However I'm just getting more anxious and upset about as time goes on.

I really don't want to lose the friendship but, I think I'm going to struggle to forgive her. Which leaves me with the awkward decision to pull out of being her bridesmaid.

[choceclair123]

She sounds like a right drama queen and a crap friend. I'd bin her off

[Duck90]

I'm not excusing her behaviour, but... I would assume that the arrival of a save the date card meant I was not going to be bridesmaid. Do people not normally approach their bridesmaids first? Maybe there isn't a norm - I'm not an expert on weddings.

[DansonslaCapucine]

I didn't think Save The Date cards were invitations to be replied to.

Therefore, she hasn't committed herself.

I would guess that she doesn't actually want to go to your wedding. Just a guess mind, before anyone jumps on me.

[PegsPigs]

Perfect solution is for her to go to yours and him to go to his. If she won't even consider that for someone supposedly close enough to be her bridesmaid I would have it out with her and potentially drop out of her wedding altogether.

[JellyTotCat]

I suppose there was always a chance she might not be free though. A lot of people book holidays in the new year. If i invited people to something this summer I'd expect that they may have already booked a holiday then or there be a wedding clash. The only way to avoid that is to check what dates key people are already booked up.

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

I think she's pissed off you haven't asked her to be bridesmaid.

[HeavyFrost]

I didn't do bridesmaids and as my friends haven't either I've never been one, but wouldn't it be the usual thing to ask a friend to be bridesmaid before making a general announcement and distributing 'save the date' cards? Is it likely she thought you had chosen someone else and got the hump?

[HeavyFrost]

X-post with other people who had the same idea.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I think she's miffed that her 'new bride' status will be supplanted by you barely a month after her wedding.

I suggest you tell her that you had intended to ask her to be your bridesmaid but as she's otherwise engaged on the date of your wedding, you can't in all consciousness be one of hers.

Alternatively, you can simply give your apologies in advance for not attending the next bridesmaids' meeting and wait for her to contact you.

[Stars1]

I don't think there is another wedding, she is possibly jealous of you booking yours so soon after hers and that's what has ticked her off.

The friendship is fractured now so I would tell her you have changed your mind and focus on your own big day.

You will save a loads of money and stress.

[selfishbride]

Sorry I didn't make myself very clear, we didn't do save the date cards. Once we booked the registry office we text people as a keep the date free.
The registrar wax really booked up so we chose the only date with a decent time slot left.
So all she had was the text, to which she replied she had another wedding. On meeting up she then told me she would be attending that wedding not mine.

[selfishbride]

The other wedding had just text a date too, so no RSPV sent.

[lorelei9]

IT would be very easy for one of a couple to pull out of that wddding especially as she barely knows the guy.

It is very wring that she isn't making a priority out of you but expects you to be a bridesmaid and is demanding?

I think that even without her knowing you wanted her as bridesmaid. I would talk to her but tbh I'd feel a sense of something very wrong already, is she one of those who won't care about her friends after marriage?

Talk to her, let her have her say but tbh unless she attends your wedding I'd pull out of being bridesmaid. Don't hint at it though because then she'll just say she will attend your wedding, in order to avoid the hassle of finding a new one.

[WorraLiberty]

I understand she 'may' have a prior engagement as such, but if she likes me enough to be her bridesmaid then I think she should prioritise my wedding.

No that's wrong.

She has accepted another invite to a wedding with her husband to be. The bride and groom are expecting her to be at their wedding as promised.

It's not a prior engagement 'as such'.

It's an actual prior engagement.

[lorelei9]

Wrong not wring!!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Hum. You are NBU to be disappointed by her reaction, but really, it is her choice to make and perhaps her own DF had already said they would go to his friend's wedding. Maybe she's going to turn into one of those "surrendered wives" who always do what their other halves want, maybe not.
Maybe she's jealous, maybe not - maybe she doesn't want to see how your wedding will compare with her own, maybe not.

Either way, she's made her choice and the only thing you can choose to do about it is either suck it up, be her BM and then let her go; or say that you can't be her BM any longer as she's too demanding and you don't have the time now you have your own wedding to deal with, and sack her off.

(Bigger person would do the first, but petty revenge does have its attractions!)

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

She hasn't accepted the prior invitation, Worra, the OP said no RSVP had been sent.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

See, at the point you met up and she asked about your plans, I would have said 'I was really hoping you would be my bridesmaid' - then she'd have all the facts and you'd both know where you stood.

If you gave her all the information about your day and didnt ask her to be bridesmaid then she probably assumes she isn't going to be invited and may be upset about it.

[WorraLiberty]

Oh I see.

What led her to tell you she hadn't actually sent an RSVP?

[lorelei9]

Wild...? Huh?

[VinoTime]

Why on earth can't she come to your wedding and her partner can go to his friends' wedding?

Are they one of those couples who have to be joined at the hip?

[FlamingoFandango]

I think she's assumed you've overlooked her as a bridesmaid and got the hump.

I'd get together with her, over wine , and say something along the lines of "In all the excitement to let people know our wedding date we got a bit carried away with the texting, and actually I should have spoken to you first as I was hoping you'd be my bm. I know there's this other wedding but as you've not had a formal invite yet is there any chance you could attend ours after all."

If she magically find a way to get out of the other wedding, problem solved. If not you've a judgement call to make.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Maybe she's feeling a bit put out that she asked you to be her bridesmaid and all she got from you was a Save The Date text.