im bridesmaid to a bridezilla who won't come to my own wedding

[selfishbride]

I'm bridesmaid for one of my friends in July, we met at uni and have been very close for 10 years. Over Christmas I got expectantly got engaged myself, and friend was very happy for me giving me flowers and a card etc.

Fast forward to me giving her a save the date for my own wedding in August, and she replied straight away saying she was going to another wedding. No apology, no explanation.

On meeting with her she explained the wedding was of a close friend of her hubby to be, however she barely knows the guy or his wife to be. I questioned why her husband to be could not go to that wedding and her to mine. However this doesn't appear to be an option she wants to consider.
This was after asking me loads of questions about my wedding then at the end of the discussion she just said 'Shame I can't come'.

I'm devastated and cant understand why she has made the decision not to attend my wedding, as if I would without a doubt attend her wedding over one of my fiancées friends.

The wedding she says she's attending is not booked in any manner, the couple don't even have a venue. So it is not that she already has hotel, transport etc. Our wedding is all booked.

It makes it worse that she is the most demanding bride when it comes to being her bridesmaid. Constant bridesmaids meetings and being really fussy over things and generally very demanding. Its upsetting me that I am doing all these things for her yet feel she doesn't care enough to return the favour for me or even attend my day. She would have been my bridesmaid.

What do you guys think? I'm unsure what to do so am currently avoiding her but due to attend another bridesmaid meeting soon so cant for much longer!

[ThursdayLastWeek]

Jeez do grown women actually get the hump about not being bridesmaids?

I agree that i would be upset if a close friend couldn't attend my wedding but that's the risk you take when you book a date without telling everyone.

[Stickerrocks]

I really don't understand this whole concept of stealing each other's thunder and having weddings too close to each other. We went through a phase of going to a whole stack of weddings within our peer group over 1-2 years. Nobody fell out with anyone else or got precious about bridesmaids, flowers, venues or colour schemes. Twenty odd years later, we're still in touch with some of them and still together. It's only one day & nice to look back on, but I'd hate to have all the pressure of managing expectations that seems to go alongside it these days.

[Chippednailvarnish]

Maybe she's not just not that into you.

[mouldycheesefan]

Chippednail, then why did she ask the op to be her bridesmaid?

[Alicewasinwonderland]

Some really nasty and rude people here.

It's understandable OP is upset.

It's completely normal the friend will not cancel a prior engagement just because she received a better offer! There are still decent people out here, who keep to their word and respect others.

She will be a newlywed, can't you even understand she would rather stay with her husband, even if it means missing her own friend's wedding? (not speaking to you OP)

[MTPurse]

There are some awful comments on here directed towards the friend.

I really can not see one thing that she has done wrong, If someone came on here and asked if she was bu to cancel her plans to attend a wedding which she agreed to attend in favour of going to another wedding everyone would tell her she was being completely unreasonable to do so.

Op, I think you have brought this on yourself tbh, who plans a wedding without first checking the bridesmaids would be available on that day?

[maybebabybee]

She will be a newlywed, can't you even understand she would rather stay with her husband, even if it means missing her own friend's wedding?

No, as I happen to be able to spend a day away from my DP without having a nervous breakdown. Because I'm, you know, capable of being on my own?

Bizarre comment.

[Devilishpyjamas]

Rather stay with her husband?? For one day? Boak.

Anyway she's hardly rsvp'd if the other couple haven't booked a venue yet.

[ZanyMobster]

DH and I spend plenty of time apart, annual separate holidays etc but if we had committed to go to his close friends wedding (even if it was verbal as opposed to officual RSVP) then I am not sure I would change our plans. It really does depend on who the friend was and the circumstances.

I think you need to be open with her and say you were hoping she would be bridesmaid etc. My DH would be understanding I am sure but it wouldn't be a given that I would definitely go.

I did discuss dates with the people I definitely wanted there first, everyone else I just hoped could come.

[DownstairsMixUp]

I must be awful then because I'd never put my husbands mates wedding above my best friends. If the dates clashed and I'd said yes to the other one first I'd explain and be like I'm sorry but it's my best friends wedding and I can't miss it. I'd go to my friends and expect h to go to his one. Don't need to do everything with him.

[laurierf]

She will be a newlywed, can't you even understand she would rather stay with her husband, even if it means missing her own friend's wedding?

No

That is the lamest of reasons. Feeling that you can't cancel an acceptance to someone's wedding, fair enough. Feeling you can't be away from your new husband so you will miss out on a friend's wedding if he can't go... NO!

[ZanyMobster]

I do strongly believe people should commit to prior engagements first but most people should be reasonable enough to discuss it or make a decision about the right thing to do in particular circumstances.

[ApplePaltrow]

OP is rude. Texting out a save the date is not the way to ask someone to be a bridesmaid. What kind of best friend are you?

You should have called her BEFORE you booked the wedding and asked.

[KERALA1]

Exactly downstairs. A clash of friends you divide up and go to your respective friends wedding. Not ideal but better than having to choose. Also in these situations it often seems to be the mans friends that trump the woman's...

[maybebabybee]

I just think it's a bit ridiculous to stubbornly stick to all prior engagement s regardless of anything else coming up. There's no reason whatsoever why in a situation like this the OP's friend can't prioritise. Her husband can still go to his friend's wedding.

The attitude towards 'prior engagements' on MN is totally daft sometimes. I had a dinner planned with one of my good friends last week. At the last minute one of her cousins from Brazil happened to be over here on a stop gap between travelling. She was only here for a couple of days. Friend hadn't seen her in two years. I was more than happy to postpone the dinner and let her see her cousin instead, considering said friend and I live in the same city and meet up once a month or so. Wasn't because she had a 'better offer'. Sometimes you have to prioritise.

[ZanyMobster]

The whole point in prior engagements is that surely people are grown up enough to make reasonable decisions about whether it is fair to cancel/change plans. I did not say I would 100% stick to it but hates it would depend on circumstances. Not going because you can't do something without your husband is lame of course.

It is not really coming across that they are best friends, my best friend would have definitely been consulted about the date of my wedding as there is no way of wouldn't have had her there.

[ZanyMobster]

Maybe - a casual dinner is very different though. Also those circumstances warranted changing the arrangements.

Choosing between 2 wedding is definitely harder.

[maybebabybee]

Choosing between 2 wedding is definitely harder

Of course, but it seems fairly obvious to me in a couple that if you both have good friends getting married on the same day, you go to your respective good friend's wedding separately.

My DP and I did this only last year, in fact.

[StealthPolarBear]

Maybe would she have dropped out of a wedding at the last minute to spend time with her cousin.
I agree op you should have planned the date with the wedding party in mind. We planned our date in conjunction with parents, siblings, my cousins who were all part of the wedding. We also included my aunt and uncle as there was no way I was getting married without them there. That was a bit awkward as I almost forgot to actually invite them!

[NameChange30]

I agree with this:
"If she would have said yes because she was bridesmaid that is even worse! Just a guest - no thanks. Starring role - ok I'll come. You shouldn't have had to offer the BM role to get her to come."

The idea of grown women getting all pissed off if they're not asked to be bridesmaid is ridiculous. If you're good friends and mature adults, you should be happy to attend your friend's wedding whether bridesmaid or not. It can also be difficult enough to plan a wedding and find a good venue on a suitable date without having to run it past every single person who might be involved. Immediate family, yes, but potential bridal party members? No! What was the OP supposed to do, change the date of her own wedding because her friend had a text save the date from her partner's friend?! Er no.

Also, the idea that getting a married a month later than a friend is "stealing their thunder"?! It's completely mad!

[maybebabybee]

I don't know, it depends entirely on how well she knew the couple I suppose.

If it were one of my DP's friends who I didn't know very well versus a cousin I loved, hadn't seen in two years, and wasn't likely to see again for another two years, I would drop out of a wedding, yes. DP could still go.

If it was my wedding I wouldn't have a problem with this, either.

[Muskateersmummy]

I agree to some extent maybe but op states it's a close friend of her friends df. So why should a invite from a close friend of a wife trump an invite from a close friend of a husband?

Op hasn't actually asked her friend to be a bridesmaid so the circumstances as I see it are already accepted a wedding invite to a close friends wedding when another invite to a close fiends wedding comes though. Both invites are equal and therefore the prior commitment comes first. If op had said I would really like you to be bridesmaid are you free? I'm pretty sure a conversation would have happened and the op's wedding would have taken priority.

[senua]

I'm bridesmaid for one of my friends in July, we met at uni and have been very close for 10 years.

All the talk seems to be about OP and bridezilla but is there a larger friendship-group at stake here? If OP blows off bridezilla will she also lose a section of her Uni pals too.

I suggest going to the next bridesmaids meeting. Talk in person to bridezilla. Speak to the other bridesmaids. Weigh up the situation then decide. Surely you don't throw over a 10 year friendship that easily?

[ZanyMobster]

I don't disagree with you maybe but it's not always that straight forward. DH and I are comfortable enough to do this, I know friends who would be too anxious to cope with it so we don't really know the circumstances.

I am trying to think of both sides (which is always hard when we only know one) but I may be quite hurt if my best friend was my bridesmaid and she was getting married a month later but hadn't asked me.

It's a shame no one talks to each other openly about these things

[maybebabybee]

muskateer I'm not saying either should trump either, I'm saying they go separately. I genuinely don't see what the issue is with that. That way neither of them miss a close friend's wedding.