im bridesmaid to a bridezilla who won't come to my own wedding

[selfishbride]

I'm bridesmaid for one of my friends in July, we met at uni and have been very close for 10 years. Over Christmas I got expectantly got engaged myself, and friend was very happy for me giving me flowers and a card etc.

Fast forward to me giving her a save the date for my own wedding in August, and she replied straight away saying she was going to another wedding. No apology, no explanation.

On meeting with her she explained the wedding was of a close friend of her hubby to be, however she barely knows the guy or his wife to be. I questioned why her husband to be could not go to that wedding and her to mine. However this doesn't appear to be an option she wants to consider.
This was after asking me loads of questions about my wedding then at the end of the discussion she just said 'Shame I can't come'.

I'm devastated and cant understand why she has made the decision not to attend my wedding, as if I would without a doubt attend her wedding over one of my fiancées friends.

The wedding she says she's attending is not booked in any manner, the couple don't even have a venue. So it is not that she already has hotel, transport etc. Our wedding is all booked.

It makes it worse that she is the most demanding bride when it comes to being her bridesmaid. Constant bridesmaids meetings and being really fussy over things and generally very demanding. Its upsetting me that I am doing all these things for her yet feel she doesn't care enough to return the favour for me or even attend my day. She would have been my bridesmaid.

What do you guys think? I'm unsure what to do so am currently avoiding her but due to attend another bridesmaid meeting soon so cant for much longer!

No, Dinosaur - perhaps she's just expecting her friend to come to her wedding, as she is for her friend. No one is stopping the husband going to his friend's wedding. Just because they will be married by that point, doesn't mean they have morphed into one person with two heads, I'm sure they can attend the two wedding apart. As others have pointed out from the op, the wedding of the husband's friend hasn't even been booked yet (who on Earth sends out save the dates before booking an actual wedding is beyond me anyway). I'm seriously not getting the whole 'the less important people asked first, now I'm obliged' mentality. Who does that to a friend - the same one who's putting a lot of time and effort into your own wedding at that. Sarcastic replies about helicopters are just not needed.

There are a few things here:

Unless it contains a huge crowd of friends, no one wants to go to a wedding alone.
You are focussing solely on her. She has another half who has already, as a couple, committed them to another wedding.
Before saying no she had no idea you were going to ask her to be a bridesmaid. For all you know, that could have changed the outcome of her reply.

I don't understand why they are less important? Op's friend has said she wants to be with her husband at his close friends wedding. Why is her close friend more important to the couple than his close friend?

I get that some people are happy to go off to separate weddings, but for whatever reason op's friend doesn't want to do that, so both weddings are of equal importance for the couple?

I'm seriously not getting the whole 'the less important people asked first, now I'm obliged' mentality.

Me neither. Completely weird attitude. But I see it on MN a lot. I can't think of anyone I know IRL who would have an issue with this.

And does it apply to everything? If I say I'm going on a work night out with colleagues I barely know and then one of my best friends who I've not seen in ages tells me she's going to be in London that evening, do I say 'oh sorry, I told work I'd go out with them first'?!

I get that it's a wedding but there is no good reason why they cannot attend their respective good friends' weddings separately.

Why is her close friend more important to the couple than his close friend?

Because generally speaking you have your own individual close friends? I like DP's friends, but I don't feel so strongly about any of them that I'd choose to go to one of their weddings over a close friend of my own's. I'd just go without DP.

To each his/her own, but for me, dh and I have little time together as it is, so we would attend these things together. Unless there's a big group of girlies all going solo to a wedding, my dh and I would discuss which to go to, and usually it would be well we have already said we will go to. If practical (both in the same town) we might do day do one place evening do another

*it would usually be the one we had already said we were going to.

Muskateersmummy - the op was obviously important enough to be asked as bridesmaid, so I think we can safely assume they are close friends, more so than the op's friend and her husband's friend. No one is saying one is more important than the other to the op's friend and husband respectively, however when you ask someone to be a big part of your wedding, it is at least polite to attend their wedding, even if you have to 'suck up' being without your precious 'other half' for a few hours. The fact is, as friends they are very likely to move in the same social circle - chances are the ops friend would know someone. A person can go places without their husband for a few hours.

This is an assumption - I get the feeling this is about the op's friend not wanting to attend a wedding a month after her own. Sounds like she gets to play Mr and Mrs at the other friend's wedding and she's dreading being ask to be a bridsmaid at the op's as she would have to be with the bride most of the day.

How could you book the wedding without checking that all the wedding party could attend.
Sending a text before checking, if you wanted her to be a BM, is just rude.

The problem is that we are only hearing one side. (As is inevitable with these things). The op's friend has called this a close friend of her df. So clearly he means something to him too. So it's unfortunate that both weddings are on the same day. We have no idea how close friends df is with this friend. Maybe they go back 10 years too? She could spare a few precious hours or even a day from her hubby, but she has said she doesn't want to, that's not unreasonable, its disappointing but not unreasonable. She has previous plans, she has been invited as a guest not part of the wedding party. Op's friend could have handled the situation differently and you may well be right and there's some kind of competitiveness going on here, but I do think it's being blown up into something big when it's an unfortunate clash of dates.

She is possibly wanting to keep in with her new DH and inlaws by going to this wedding. Confirms her place as part of their family.

I don't think that the op should have to dangle the offer of bridesmaid for her friend to come. Yes, she wants to ask her to be bridsmaid, but it shouldn't have to be the 'trump card' to get her to come. Again, when you have one person at your wedding and expecting much from them, it is only polite at the least to go to their wedding in return, even just as a guest. I also think it is unreasonble to make an excuse that you'd rather go to the one with your husband over supporting your friend on a special occasion. Single people manage just fine, yet some people in relationships seem to think it's a terrible thing to go out the house without 'hubby' in tow. However, that's their perogative, just quite a selfish attitude I think. It's one day, possibly their only wedding day,and they can't go without their husband?

You know what I'd do OP (though i can be very passive agressive)? I'd tell her 'I'm sorry, I can't be your bridesmaid anymore. We were invited to something else by my partner's friend, but I said no after you told me your wedding date. However, I know see that I shouldn't flake on my prior commitments and have decided to go with him and his mates instead.'

maybe that's exactly what I'd do. Tell my friend sorry but I was already going out. Not her fault, not mine, but my friends know come hell or high water if I say I'm coming I will be there.

My friends are similar, otherwise I can't be bothered to be friends with them as its too much like hard work. You'd never know if you were actually going out or would you get passed over for a better offer.

Perhaps you don't know anyone like that as they have given you a wide berth in similar fashion?

It's probably she doesn't want to be rude to her new DH's close friend and his soon to be wife. There's no way to cancel going to someone's wedding for another wedding invite (that's not family so could be expected to take priority) without basically saying "you are less important, and I'd only accepted in the first place because I didn't have something better to do" - which might be true, but still rude to do to them.

It's not like cancelling any other event, you cancel on someone's wedding it's the biggest event they will probably ever throw. Declining in the first place because you are busy is fine, but cancelling to do something 'better' is always rude.

Not wanting to be rude to your DH's close friend is a perfectly reasonable position to take. Just because other people would be fine with being rude to their DH's friend to make their friend happy, doesn't make the OP's friend a bridezilla who 'obviously' is upset her wedding is being overshadowed, or that she's incapable of going to an event alone (which might well have happened if they got both invites at the same time so hadn't already accepted either). It might just be she's not prepared to be rude to someone who matters to her DH (even if they don't really matter to her).

Goodness it's only a wedding! They can attend separately but choose not to. It's perfectly reasonable. It would be really really odd in our circles to find couples going to separate weddings.

Questioning her why she can't change her arrangements? That's just so rude.

dinosaur absolutely.

MrsGently - that would end the friendship - why would you even suggest that unless you think the friend was lying about the other invite coming in first and having already been accepted? Or lying about it being another wedding but some other event that could be rearranged?

If the OP really needed her friend to be at her wedding, why not check first before booking when she was free in August - a month full of holidays and weddings and other events? I checked my bridesmaid was free on the weekend I was planning on getting married, as well as checking with my brother, DH's brother (also best man) and both sets of parents. Anyone else, it wouldn't upset me that much if they couldn't make it.

It's very arrogant to assume there could not possibly be anything more important going on than your wedding, so that all other plans would be cancelled for it. (and the OP's friend has no idea the OP wanted her to be bridesmaid)

but my friends know come hell or high water if I say I'm coming I will be there.

You sound crazy inflexible then. I'd much rather go out with good friends than work colleagues I barely know. My work colleagues wouldn't give two shits if I was there or not

Completely agree with dinosaur and headsofthehive

I agree with whoever said if this thread had been posted from the pov of the friends partner's friend (the couple who are getting married on the sameday) there would have been a frenzy of "sibu"

Well we all have different veiws, I think it would be awful to let down a close friend just because my partner's friends were getting married the same day. I wouldn't really care for letting them down, I consider my own friendships more important. It's not arrogant to show support for your own friends, especially when the husband is attending the other wedding. I think placing a wedding of your partner's friends over your own friend and bridesmaid's wedding just shows you have your priorities wrong. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who thinks that 'I'm going because I said I would' trumps years of friendship. Not that I think a wedding is a be-all and end-all, I just think that if you can attend a wedding, it should be the one of the person you feel closest to - not the one you said you'd go to first.

If I were the friend I'd be upset at not being asked to be a bridesmaid so soon after the OP was my bridesmaid. This wouldn't make me desperate to change my pre-existing plans, tbh.

Ridiculous to say the OP should change the date. If a friend announced they were marrying the bloody day after me, never mind month, I would have been nothing but delighted for them.

To be honest sometime we think we are closer to people then we actually are

My sister who was a maid at my wedding is getting married in the summer she has neither invited me to the hen do or wedding

Tampon, I bet that's how the friend feels.