im bridesmaid to a bridezilla who won't come to my own wedding

[selfishbride]

I'm bridesmaid for one of my friends in July, we met at uni and have been very close for 10 years. Over Christmas I got expectantly got engaged myself, and friend was very happy for me giving me flowers and a card etc.

Fast forward to me giving her a save the date for my own wedding in August, and she replied straight away saying she was going to another wedding. No apology, no explanation.

On meeting with her she explained the wedding was of a close friend of her hubby to be, however she barely knows the guy or his wife to be. I questioned why her husband to be could not go to that wedding and her to mine. However this doesn't appear to be an option she wants to consider.
This was after asking me loads of questions about my wedding then at the end of the discussion she just said 'Shame I can't come'.

I'm devastated and cant understand why she has made the decision not to attend my wedding, as if I would without a doubt attend her wedding over one of my fiancées friends.

The wedding she says she's attending is not booked in any manner, the couple don't even have a venue. So it is not that she already has hotel, transport etc. Our wedding is all booked.

It makes it worse that she is the most demanding bride when it comes to being her bridesmaid. Constant bridesmaids meetings and being really fussy over things and generally very demanding. Its upsetting me that I am doing all these things for her yet feel she doesn't care enough to return the favour for me or even attend my day. She would have been my bridesmaid.

What do you guys think? I'm unsure what to do so am currently avoiding her but due to attend another bridesmaid meeting soon so cant for much longer!

[trevortrevorslatterfry]

witsender : Wow! I'm amazed grown adults think that way tbh, what exactly are bridesmaids supposed to do except turn up and look pretty on the day?

I envy you that you think this! I too once thought like this

[selfishbride]

Thank you everyone for your input, however I feel there are 2 distinct takes of the situation.

To clarify some points that were made my friend has not received an invitation for the other wedding, just by text or word of mouth that other wedding is on the same date. Therefore these plans not even concrete.

I did check with her any dates she could not do, she just vaguely replied there was a wedding some time in August. On enquiring with registry office ours was pretty much the only date left so booked it immediately. We did check with most of immediate friends.

I text a save the date as most of my friends have done the same thing, so to me this was pretty standard.

The my other bridesmaids are my sister, and best friend from childhood. My partner is also female so has her best friend as bridesmaid, an her male best friend as best man. This is why we are having bridal party for a civil ceremony as we cannot have a church wedding.

It is not a big uni group as such so there would be no big falling out wit all my friends, her bridesmaids are all from separate friendship groups.

I have a feeling bridezilla's fiancée is behind her reluctance to come to my wedding. I suspect he doesn't like me and my partner much as he has been quite rude to us in the past. However I'm her bridesmaid, so he must be happy for me to be involved in their wedding.

I don't particularly feel I'm stealing her thunder as my wedding is the next month, our weddings are very different and there will only be 3 guests that will attend both weddings.

I definitely can't change my wedding as everything is pretty much booked now, I think the only reason its happened so quickly is being 2 girls we have been quite organised and things came into place with venues etc quite easily.

I realise I need to speak to her in person again, I just wanted to get things a bit clearer in my head. I just need to clarify the best stance to take.

[ovenchips]

I think your friend, who you are very close to, is behaving unexpectedly tbh.

However, what is less clear is why. It could be she's a bridezilla, she's a hortible person, she doesn't value your friendship in the same way as you value hers, blah, blah, blah.

It could also be that she is hurt that you didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid (I didn't have bridesmaids so no idea of the 'form' of this) but I sort of thought you'd do this before arranging a date? It could also be that she is hurt that you didn't check that date with her that she was able to make it? It's a while ago now but I'm pretty sure we checked provisional dates with the people we absolutely wanted to be there.

It could also be for a host of other reasons that are less obvious.

You need to communicate with her to resolve this issue. Either face to face or a very non-defensive email.

Until then you are second guessing why she isn't coming and why she has not seemed upset about disappointing you in this way. Second guessing is a very ineffective way of maintaining good relationships with people. It's too easy to be wildly wrong.

[ovenchips]

Sorry OP I completely x-posted!

[lorelei9]

Thanks for the update OP

So have you decided what approach you will take?

I do wonder, especially if her partner dislikes you, if she is simply planning to edge away after marriage. Whether that's due to him or if she is a type who will think friends don't matter after marriage, who knows.

[Muskateersmummy]

Agree with oven chips re communication. Strikes me that all of this is because of poor communication. She told you there was "a wedding some time in August" but you only checked the date with "most people" which indicates not this friend. You haven't at any stage asked your friend to be your bridesmaid so she feels she is choosing between two similar invitations not one where she is a member of the bridal party, which may or may not make a difference to her situation.

She has also not communicated well by not checking the date she wasn't free I'm August, and by not being more remorseful when telling you the dates clash.

Ultimately if you value the friendship, you need to go and have a nice lunch, a glass of wine and a good old fashioned conversation.

[trevortrevorslatterfry]

Er - so she already told you she might not be free in August but you booked in August and now are surprised she can't come? I can't see how that's her fault!

[selfishbride]

no problem ovenchips! Thanks for your reply

Lorelel9 - Its a possibility I know she very very keen to start a family so is probably anticipating things changing soon after the wedding.

I feel less angry now I've read all the replies and realise she could be upset about not being bridesmaid. However I would be very upset if that is what led her to not attend my wedding.

I'm going to meet her for wine, this is definitely a discussion to be done over a drink and just explain how I feel.

TBH my fear is is H2B is controlling to a degree, at least I think she's scared of upsetting him. She's not an anxious person on her own, so would be fine attending my wedding alone and her other friends would be there. But I do think he puts his foot down sometimes and she is very soft with him. He has taken liberties in the past which I would have never allowed for example.

I hope we can find a resolution as I really don't want to lose her as a friend, and if this decision is due to her H2B being controlling then I want to be there for her, as these things generally only get worse.

[Muskateersmummy]

I hope the girly chat over wine goes well OP, let us know. It seems a shame to lose a friend over something like this

[NameChange30]

"Er - so she already told you she might not be free in August but you booked in August and now are surprised she can't come? I can't see how that's her fault!"

I have disagreed with people on this thread although I can see their POV. But this comment is completely ridiculous. The OP asked her friend if there were any dates she wasn't available, her friend sent a vague reply about August (without specifying dates) and she's supposed to write off the WHOLE of August on the back of that?! What utter bollocks.

The friend should have specified the exact date(s) she wasn't free. End of.

Anyway, I'm glad you're planning to have a drink with her, OP. It should help to have a bit of a heart to heart and hopefully it should smooth things over. The controlling fiancé doesn't sound great but I guess you need to tread carefully with that one!

[trevortrevorslatterfry]

No emma I just meant I'd have checked back with my friend if I knew Aug was a potential clash for her, once I found that the reg office was only available in Aug.

[trevortrevorslatterfry]

..checked for her specific date I mean. If I was bothered about having her there, that is.

[Fizrim]

Yeah, so it's not as if this other wedding just appeared after you texted her - you already knew she had something on in August (at some point) and she wasn't one of the friends that you checked with. And at no point in these discussions did you mention that you wanted her as bridesmaid?

I hope the meeting goes well for you (and good luck for your wedding )

[lorelei9]

I hope it goes well OP
If it's a control issue these things do get worse but she's making a choice to marry this guy....some people seem to actually choose submission. I've never managed to stay friends with them though so it strikes me as very kind that you're already thinking of this. ...

Anyway that's other territory but good luck with the chat.

[ChrissieLatham]

Have you met up yet?