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AIBU?

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Original poster

im bridesmaid to a bridezilla who won't come to my own wedding

240 replies

selfishbride · 25/01/2016 22:41

I'm bridesmaid for one of my friends in July, we met at uni and have been very close for 10 years. Over Christmas I got expectantly got engaged myself, and friend was very happy for me giving me flowers and a card etc.

Fast forward to me giving her a save the date for my own wedding in August, and she replied straight away saying she was going to another wedding. No apology, no explanation.

On meeting with her she explained the wedding was of a close friend of her hubby to be, however she barely knows the guy or his wife to be. I questioned why her husband to be could not go to that wedding and her to mine. However this doesn't appear to be an option she wants to consider.
This was after asking me loads of questions about my wedding then at the end of the discussion she just said 'Shame I can't come'.

I'm devastated and cant understand why she has made the decision not to attend my wedding, as if I would without a doubt attend her wedding over one of my fiancées friends.

The wedding she says she's attending is not booked in any manner, the couple don't even have a venue. So it is not that she already has hotel, transport etc. Our wedding is all booked.

It makes it worse that she is the most demanding bride when it comes to being her bridesmaid. Constant bridesmaids meetings and being really fussy over things and generally very demanding. Its upsetting me that I am doing all these things for her yet feel she doesn't care enough to return the favour for me or even attend my day. She would have been my bridesmaid.

What do you guys think? I'm unsure what to do so am currently avoiding her but due to attend another bridesmaid meeting soon so cant for much longer!

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 26/01/2016 09:38

pitpat totally agree with you in your post at 00:39

We wouldn't go to separate weddings. We socialise together in those circumstances.

If you've already said yes to someone I don't think you can choose a better offer. It all becomes a bit of an arms race then, where does it end? So the other coup,e up their offer to her DH being usher or best man or her being bridesmaid...then you come in with a higher offer...

Perhaps speak with her and say you'd love her to be bridesmaid and move the date to accommodate this. After all it's August. I'm busy every weekend then! Others will be too. You shouldn't expect people to drop others for you.

lorelei9 · 26/01/2016 09:38

Newlywed would rather be with husband for a day.....hmm.....that explains a lot of the threads I see here.

OP, please let us know what happens. People have different definitions of friendship but to me it seems someone is really important. I'm sorry if you find your friend is in that casual category but it will mean you can opt out of dealing with bridezilla at least!

Stickerrocks · 26/01/2016 09:40

What happens at a bridesmaids' meeting?

Muskateersmummy · 26/01/2016 09:41

That's possible, but some people (myself included) wouldn't want to do that. What if you only really knew the bride? I wouldn't want to go solo to a wedding where I knew nobody except the busiest person on the day.

I genuinely understand the op being upset her friend can't come but don't think her friend is being unreasonable.

We had a wedding in full holiday season, so booked 18 months in advance, asked the key people straight away and then sent save the dates to everyone else. If you book a wedding close in time some people won't be able to come, it's just bad luck that the two weddings fall on the same day.

Headofthehive55 · 26/01/2016 09:45

Going with your husband to these events isn't about some mythical idea about being joined at the hip or lack of independence - but a desire to spend what free time you have with your loved one.

You aren't actually with the bride and groom, but part of the scenery. Some of us spend large amounts of time away from husband through work and therefore want to spend what time we can together.

Headofthehive55 · 26/01/2016 09:46

For some people you know your DH is your best friend!

maybebabybee · 26/01/2016 09:55

My DH is my best friend, but I still wouldn't have an issue going to one measly wedding without him. Big deal.

maybebabybee · 26/01/2016 09:55

And I'm a massive introvert btw so all weddings are hell for me, never mind if I only knew the bride. Would still go if she was a good friend.

OnlyLovers · 26/01/2016 09:56

I hear what people are saying about not breaking a prior engagement, but it's her manner that I find a bit Hmm here.

I can imagine if I accepted an invitation and then a more 'important' one from a closer friend came up, I'd feel I had to keep the first one. But I'd go to the close friend and tell them exactly how sorry I was and how agonising I was finding it. It's the 'No apology, no explanation' thing I can't understand.

I agree with those saying it seems her nose has been put out of joint by your wedding 'overshadowing' hers.

I'm sorry, OP; you've been friends for ages and this must be a shock. I don't know what to advise apart from drop out of being her bridesmaid, but I know that' childish. it's what I'd do though

iciclewinter · 26/01/2016 09:57

It's perfectly valid for someone to want to attend a wedding with their husband, particularly if they've already accepted the invitation. It doesn't mean they're incapable of spending time on their own.

NameChange30 · 26/01/2016 10:00

Yep I once went to a wedding without DH (he had travel plans he couldn't change). It wasn't as fun without him but I'm still really glad I went - it was a lovely wedding and I wanted to be there for my friend. I think it's really important to occasionally do things separately, actually.

lorelei9 · 26/01/2016 10:00

Yes, I should add, I hate weddings with a passion and I'm single so mostly have attended alone.

What bothers me about this is the lack of balance. The OP is bridesmaid which is a lot of work. For that person not to attend the OP wedding because of the wedding of a stranger seems wrong. It reminds me of the "never make someone a priority of they only see you as an option" thing.

witsender · 26/01/2016 10:01

She sounds like a bit of a dick, especially if previous wedding hasn't actually been booked yet. I would only go to a wedding with DH on the whole, but if my best mate was getting married on the same day she would trump that. But she sounds very blase, almost hurtful about it, so regardless of invite acceptance etiquette I would think twice about the friendship.

DinosaursRoar · 26/01/2016 10:02

Sorry OP - but before booking a wedding, you check with the key people that they can make it - particularly for an August wedding this year - a lot of people book summer holidays immediately after Christmas or have already committed to other weddings when they were told a long way in advance.

If your friend was close enough for you to want her to be a bridesmaid, you should have asked if she could do that date first.

She is quite right to go to the other wedding she's committed too, and it doesn't matter if she's a closer friend to you than him, if assuming her (by then DH) is a closer friend to him than you.

Going to a wedding alone is very shit -that's why it's polite to give a "plus one" invite to single friends, not because you want a random at your wedding, because to acknowledge it's really not fun to go alone, with all the best intentions in the world, the bride and groom aren't going to be able to give any individual guest a lot of their time without ignoring others, so anyone who's without a partner might spend a lot of the day alone unless there's a big group of single friends going.

She's right to not pull out of her DH's friend's wedding because she got a better offer.

If it really really matters that she's there, find a date she can do. If the date matters more to you and your DP, then accept that some people you want there can't go.

(this feels like a repeat of the "I can't afford to go to the overseas wedding" thread running this weekend - lots of people commented that if the bride and groom would have checked the 'key people' would be able to make it before booking - it's just assumed that's what you do before booking something as important as a wedding, and so if you haven't be checked with before booking, that's a sign you aren't a 'key person' to the B&G)

NameChange30 · 26/01/2016 10:04

Totally agree with OnlyLovers:
"it's her manner that I find a bit Hmm here."
If she was genuinely a good friend, she would really WANT to attend the wedding, so she would be disappointed about the clash and would say she's gutted and sorry she can't make it. In her position I wouldn't have said no straight away, either - I would have said I'll double check the details of the other wedding, discuss it with my partner and get back to you. Even if the eventual result is the same (not going) it softens the blow and you show that you've at least tried to find a way to go.

NameChange30 · 26/01/2016 10:06

"If your friend was close enough for you to want her to be a bridesmaid, you should have asked if she could do that date first. "

But really, who does that?! I bet the OP's friend didn't check the OP was free on her wedding date before booking it.

waitingforsomething · 26/01/2016 10:10

If I was your friend in this situation I would absolutely send my dh to his friends wedding and go to yours. Without question. This wedding is in July- no way have they rsvped yet they won't even have had a proper invite.
I would still be her bridesmaid but I would make my feelings about this very clear. I can't imagine a good friend of mine doing it

Alastrante · 26/01/2016 10:11

Sounds like there is something going on behind the scenes with her fiancé. Could he be insisting that she go with him? What's he like?

JellyTotCat · 26/01/2016 10:12

If the wedding was in 18 months time you wouldn't need to check the wedding party were free, but you'd need to for this August as people would already have weddings/holidays booked.

NameChange30 · 26/01/2016 10:16

We sent Save the Dates in January for an August wedding, and everyone was available. We must have been lucky I guess.

WickedWax · 26/01/2016 10:20

It's a shame she can't come, but, for example, we've already booked our summer holiday for August this year. If one of my friends announces she's getting married on those dates then unfortunately I'm not going to be able to make it.

Her attitude about it stinks though, I'd be really apologetic and probably a bit gutted.

Devilishpyjamas · 26/01/2016 10:22

My husband is my best friend. We still manage to attend events alone (which is lucky as with a disabled child it's either one of us goes or neither of us goes). Have done a few weddings alone.

HanYOLO · 26/01/2016 10:23

It's not " a better offer" it's her best mate and bridesmaid's wedding.

Also, noting a "save the date" is NOT the same as accepting an invitation. It is only January for a wedding in August.

I can't think why people wouldn't consider attending separate weddings in those kind of circs.

I would tell her how hurt you feel. That it matters to you to have her there.

When is her wedding, I missed that bit.

DinosaursRoar · 26/01/2016 10:24

AnotherEmma - I guess you were lucky noone had plans that couldn't be changed - most people do check for the 'key people' - eg. both sets of parents, siblings, anyone you want to be your bridesmaid or bestman - just the people you really couldn't be happy getting married without - make sure they could go.

HanYOLO · 26/01/2016 10:25

Just seen you wanted her to be bridesmaid. Tell her that. She is being an ARSE though so I'm unsure whether bridesmaiding each other is appropriate anymore.