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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

im bridesmaid to a bridezilla who won't come to my own wedding

240 replies

selfishbride · 25/01/2016 22:41

I'm bridesmaid for one of my friends in July, we met at uni and have been very close for 10 years. Over Christmas I got expectantly got engaged myself, and friend was very happy for me giving me flowers and a card etc.

Fast forward to me giving her a save the date for my own wedding in August, and she replied straight away saying she was going to another wedding. No apology, no explanation.

On meeting with her she explained the wedding was of a close friend of her hubby to be, however she barely knows the guy or his wife to be. I questioned why her husband to be could not go to that wedding and her to mine. However this doesn't appear to be an option she wants to consider.
This was after asking me loads of questions about my wedding then at the end of the discussion she just said 'Shame I can't come'.

I'm devastated and cant understand why she has made the decision not to attend my wedding, as if I would without a doubt attend her wedding over one of my fiancées friends.

The wedding she says she's attending is not booked in any manner, the couple don't even have a venue. So it is not that she already has hotel, transport etc. Our wedding is all booked.

It makes it worse that she is the most demanding bride when it comes to being her bridesmaid. Constant bridesmaids meetings and being really fussy over things and generally very demanding. Its upsetting me that I am doing all these things for her yet feel she doesn't care enough to return the favour for me or even attend my day. She would have been my bridesmaid.

What do you guys think? I'm unsure what to do so am currently avoiding her but due to attend another bridesmaid meeting soon so cant for much longer!

OP posts:

Fizrim · 26/01/2016 10:43

Quote from the OP
Its upsetting me that I am doing all these things for her yet feel she doesn't care enough to return the favour for me or even attend my day. She would have been my bridesmaid.

But she doesn't know this, because you didn't ask her! How can she return the favour (being a bridesmaid) if you haven't asked her? She has said she can't make your wedding but nothing about not being a bridesmaid for you yet you have taken offence!

It does seem a bit rude just to text her the date tbh. But it also seems rude (to me) not to be her bridesmaid just because she may not attend your own wedding.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 26/01/2016 10:46

I think both of you are attaching undue importance to your respective weddings, her by being bridezilla and possibly feeling you are thunder-stealing, you by being 'devastated' (come on - it's a turned-down wedding invitation, not a death in the family) and considering pulling out of your prior commitment. You don't get to 'question' her choices as to how she spends her time.

LoTeQuiero · 26/01/2016 10:53

If I've understood timescales correctly, I think she's irritated that the time you "should" have spent being her bridesmaid is now going to be eclipsed by you being a bride and planning a different wedding. And I have to say that I would be annoyed by that too. Sorry.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 26/01/2016 10:54

I've skimmed the thread, and don't think you're being unreasonable at all. This whole 'but she had the other invite first' thing is nonsense - close friends and family should trump the other invite of friends of her husband This isn't school for goodness sake, with the whole 'first asked, first go' attitude. No one has psychic powers to know some things will fall on the same day, it's a case of making a priority. The op's friend expects her to make her own wedding a priority, and will not return the favour. Very selfish behaviour - I would certainly drop out of her wedding if it were me.

iciclewinter · 26/01/2016 10:54

she replied straight away saying she was going to another wedding. No apology, no explanation.

Saying you're already committed to another event is an explanation.

witsender · 26/01/2016 10:59

Seriously? Wow! I'm amazed grown adults think that way tbh, what exactly are bridesmaids supposed to do except turn up and look pretty on the day? When would be acceptable for her to marry?

MeadowHay · 26/01/2016 11:01

Cannot comprehend the people who say they would refuse to attend separate weddings on the same day, how bizarre!! The easiest solution to this would be for her husband to go to his friend's wedding and for her to attend yours. Yes it's not ideal, but I would think it much more important to attend the wedding of a close friend than attend the wedding of someone I hardly know and who really couldn't care less whether you attend or not and has only even invited you out of politeness!

AlwaysHopeful1 · 26/01/2016 11:03

I've just skimmed through this thread and I don't think ywbu to not attend. I would find it very difficult to be a part of hers when she can't spare the time to be a guest at yours.
It's extremely hurtful and something I couldn't get past.

HanYOLO · 26/01/2016 11:06

I would have been gutted if my "bridesmaid" (witness in my case, we were v low-fi) couldn't come to my wedding, full stop. Let alone 8 months away, because she had received a save the date invitation where she was basically a plus one. Gutted.

Is this other wedding abroad, perhaps, have they planned to make it their holiday?

OnlyLovers · 26/01/2016 11:13

icicle, she didn't offer the explanation until the next time she met up with the OP.

iciclewinter · 26/01/2016 11:22

Saying she was already going to another wedding should be explanation enough though, surely?

Headofthehive55 · 26/01/2016 11:23

Don't you check first though?

I absolutely hate it when people take better offers. There is two schools of thought. You play top trumps, I mean should ops sister get married and ask her to be bridesmaid would it be reasonable to drop out of the first wedding? Or you go with the one you have accepted first, even if it's a yes we will be there.

I drop friends who play a better offers, even if I ask second and they can't come I really don't mind because I know they are decent people who don't drop me when they have said yes to events.

I can't understand why anyone would want to go to a wedding without their partner, unless you know a lot of people there. I would go to the service alone though, if possible just not keen on partying on my own. I don't drink really, or disco dance and making conversation is difficult as it's often loud and I can't hear so well.

Fizrim · 26/01/2016 11:24

She did offer an explanation - she replied to the text saying she had another wedding. She didn't just ignore the text or simply say 'not coming'.

seafoodeatit · 26/01/2016 11:34

This is why I had witnesses only and no bridesmaids at my wedding, YANBU and I personally would not be going along to the wedding.

I don't understand this attitude people seem to think is acceptable around weddings? the world doesn't revolve around you, accusing someone of 'stealing thunder' or being in a strop because god forbid people have a life beyond being a bridesmaid is so fecking immature and petulant imo.

LoTeQuiero · 26/01/2016 11:36

It's just my feeling.... And I think it's probably hers as well. I think she feels overshadowed slightly by the OP getting married a month after her because the engagement was so recent.

Alicewasinwonderland · 26/01/2016 11:41

I cannot comprehend how some .people would cancel an invitation they already accepted, be blatantly rude to their husband's friends.

It would be different if the friend had received both invitations at the same time.

Yes, you CAN do things without the man you just married, but sometimes, you don't want to.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 26/01/2016 11:49

She did offer an explanation - she replied to the text saying she had another wedding

It's not an 'explaination' that she's going to the other wedding, it's an excuse. Any friend worth their salt would go to a friend's wedding over being a plus one to some aquaintances, especially when said friend is so involved in their own wedding. What kind of good friend says 'oh, hello bridesmaid - I'm afraid I cannot attend your wedding, because some mate of my husband is getting married, I replied to them first, so our friendship of years will just have to be second best'.

The only reasons I would personally thing as reasonable explainations in this case are - the op's wedding is abroad and they can't afford it or it's a child-free wedding and the op's friend has kids. Things that have real implications on not being able to go, unlike the reason she has given.

WonderingAspie · 26/01/2016 11:54

The thing is, if the other couple haven't actually booked anything yet, she shouldn't assume they will get the date they want. Where they want their wedding may be fully booked. Surely you don't do save the date messages until something has actually been booked? Which is why I don't think she is being honest. If she is being demanding and bridezilla I'm guessing she may have the hump about one of her bridesmaids getting married so close to her. Some brides are very precious about stuff like this.

Muskateersmummy · 26/01/2016 11:56

I just think if you flip this the other way around, you and your husband have said you'll go to your close friends wedding, then husbands close friends ask him to go to his wedding on that day, is it acceptable to cancel your plans to go to your friends wedding to go to his friends or to expect your husband to attend alone when you would both want to be together for events like this and have already told your friend that both you and your husband will be there?

Surely if someone posted that this is what their husband was asking them to do we would be telling them the husband was being unreasonable? But this is what pp's are saying the friend should do? It's not a casual acquaintance, op states it's her friends df's close friend.

LadyLuck81 · 26/01/2016 12:01

I've not rtft but...

How is she a bridezilla. Her wedding and your part is not relevant to her attendance at yours.

Your wedding happens to be on a day when she has a prior engagement at another wedding.

She told you straight away.

I get you're disappointment but she's done nothing to warrant a thread about her. It sounds pretty reasonable to me.

OnGoldenPond · 26/01/2016 12:04

I think it's very possible she thought you did not want her as a bridesmaid as you never mentioned it even when she gave you the chance by asking lots of questions, so then said she couldn't go as she felt hurt.

If it was me the second sentence I spoke after "I'm getting married" would have been "of course I would love it if you would be my bridesmaid".

Speak to her to clear the air - she still doesn't know you wanted her as your bridesmaid.

DinosaursRoar · 26/01/2016 12:18

The OP says the other wedding is of a close friend of her friend's DP - so as the friend doesn't know the OP was thinking of asking her to be a bridesmaid - it looks like as a couple, they've had 2 invites of equal importance (a close friend each) on the same date, they'd already accepted her (by then) DH's close friend's wedding, so can't go to the OPs. If both invites had come in before either had been accepted, there would be scope for negotiating which one to go to, or each going on their own to the a wedding each, but the friend had already agreed to go with her DH to the wedding of his close friend.

Or does the OP think her friend should take a leaf out of Wayne Rooney's book - didn't he hire a helicopter a few years ago to put in an appearance when 3 of his friends got married on the same date?! (this happens pretty much every year as there's a point when all the clubs give their players 3 weeks off from training/playing in the off season, so the first weekend of that there's always a flurry of footballers weddings, before they all go off on holidays/honeymoon).

eddielizzard · 26/01/2016 12:20

she's probably worried that you'll be as zilla-ish as she is and she cba with all the work.

DinosaursRoar · 26/01/2016 12:24

she could use the Rooney solution - 3 wedding invites for one day - hire a helicopter to get between them, go to them all! The obvious solution.

heavens2betsy · 26/01/2016 12:28

I think you are both being Bridezillas actually.

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