im bridesmaid to a bridezilla who won't come to my own wedding

[selfishbride]

I'm bridesmaid for one of my friends in July, we met at uni and have been very close for 10 years. Over Christmas I got expectantly got engaged myself, and friend was very happy for me giving me flowers and a card etc.

Fast forward to me giving her a save the date for my own wedding in August, and she replied straight away saying she was going to another wedding. No apology, no explanation.

On meeting with her she explained the wedding was of a close friend of her hubby to be, however she barely knows the guy or his wife to be. I questioned why her husband to be could not go to that wedding and her to mine. However this doesn't appear to be an option she wants to consider.
This was after asking me loads of questions about my wedding then at the end of the discussion she just said 'Shame I can't come'.

I'm devastated and cant understand why she has made the decision not to attend my wedding, as if I would without a doubt attend her wedding over one of my fiancées friends.

The wedding she says she's attending is not booked in any manner, the couple don't even have a venue. So it is not that she already has hotel, transport etc. Our wedding is all booked.

It makes it worse that she is the most demanding bride when it comes to being her bridesmaid. Constant bridesmaids meetings and being really fussy over things and generally very demanding. Its upsetting me that I am doing all these things for her yet feel she doesn't care enough to return the favour for me or even attend my day. She would have been my bridesmaid.

What do you guys think? I'm unsure what to do so am currently avoiding her but due to attend another bridesmaid meeting soon so cant for much longer!

Weird thread. If I had already committed to another wedding (forget the "no formal RSVP" stuff, if I've said I was going, I would go.) I wouldn't change my mind. That's just rude.

And if you actually wanted Bridezilla to be your bridesmaid you would have checked that she was available on that date before booking.

I think you owe your friend and apology, chill out and stop following in her Bridezilla footsteps.

PitPatKitKat gives good advice. I'm surprised you didn't tell her you wanted her as a bridesmaid when you got engaged/started wedding planning. I didn't book anything until I'd checked that the deal breakers were available.

I'd swallow your pride and apologise for landing it on her without notice. Tell her you wanted her to be bridesmaid. See how she reacts.

I'm very independent of my husband and we usually socialise separately. The thought of going to a wedding without him fills me with dread, particularly if other people were going as couples. There's often a lot of hanging around so you want someone to talk to.

I agree with last two posters (haven't RT entire FT).

You don't accept an invitation to a wedding then change your mind so it's legitimate that she's saying she can't come if she said yes to another wedding first.

And yes I'd float date past closest friends and families first especially if close to other important dates AND in summer holidays.

However, it is odd of her not to expand further and say something along the lines of how sorry she is to not come etc, or even to attempt to make some of your wedding like the evening or the ceremony if that's possible? Sorry if already discussed.

If one of dhs close friends were getting married and I had told them I was going, I wouldn't cancel on them.

The same as if dh had committed to going to my close friends wedding, I wouldn't be happy if he cancelled to go to his friends wedding.

We are not joined at the hip but I wouldn't do it.

Tbh most people I know have loads of plans already in August of this year.

School holidays, weddings mean that people have already booked things and time off.

You may find a few people can't go. People could have accepted other invitations or be on holiday.

I think you've been a little foolish too, you got engaged at xmas and booked the date and everything for a date 8 months away, and a month after her wedding. I think if i were her i would be annoyed.

I'm assuming you move in similar social circles? She wants her wedding to be the centre of everyone's attention in the build up, on the say and after. She would also only just be back off honeymoon?

Also, you informed her of your wedding date via text....? If my best mate did that, i would be pissed off

I think you need to go see ber, apologise for the way you've handled it and tell her that you really wanted her to be your bridesmaid. If she still declines, you know there's nothing more you can say. Then you need to decide whether to be her bridesmaid

When I got engaged first question my best friend asked me was who was going to be bridesmaid. I replied I wanted her dd.

I was having a civil ceremony, didn't want a big wedding with adult bridesmaids. She didn't seems upset.

Within a couple of months she announced her wedding plans inc five bridesmaids .....none of whom she knew that well. I thought it was a bit odd but never said anything.

The week before the wedding she said she didn't know if she could come because her friends horse might go into labour. I to,d her to fuck off. She didn't come, neither did her dd. I haven't seen them since.

Looking back I realise she had got the hump about me not asking her to be a bridesmaid. I suspect your friend thought you werent going to ask and has a similar attitude.

There isn't another couple and she's jealous of you getting the limelight in some kind of way. In my opinion.

If somebody means that much to you then you check they are free before booking a wedding.

From her point of view, she wants to meet her husbands new friends at a wedding he knew about first. You booked quickly and barely after hers without even checking she was free so if anyone should be upset it's her.

For a registry office though, I'd expect no bridesmaids. Little OTT for that simple legal style of wedding.

Sorry, I think you're being precious. Some people you like won't be able to make your wedding, sometimes because of prior engagements. It's normal, don't be a knob about it.

I agree there's no other couple.

Terror, would you ever consider contacting your friend and saying what you've said here? You never know, it may just be that you soon have your friend back.

I hadn't thought about telling her about my hurt feelings over the wedding. Although from time to time I've thought about her and considered getting in contact. I'll give it some thought. Thanks.

If she would have said yes because she was bridesmaid that is even worse! Just a guest - no thanks. Starring role - ok I'll come. You shouldn't have had to offer the BM role to get her to come.

You should talk to her & explain how hurt and upset you are. That you were going to ask her to be bridesmaid. Then you will know by her reaction if you still want to be her bridesmaid.

Ps wedding invitations are never sent out with RSVPs this far in advance either

Congratulations too!

If you dropped out of her wedding because of this, would you not be displaying bridezilla traits yourself? Not saying it's not justified but maybe you should be better than that.

Change the date of your wedding? A bit inconsiderate to have it so close to a friends. Get married next year?

Agree with cloughed.
Lots of weird assumptions here, she wants to go to a wedding as a wife, they'll be joined at the hip, they'll get divorced within 5 years...
or they stick to their commitments maybe?

She barely knows the guy but he is her dhs close friend...you know a bit like she is to the op.

Quite, Polar.

The week before the wedding she said she didn't know if she could come because her friend's horse might go into labour

How can the bridezilla have accepted an invitation that doesn't exist yet? You can't have an invitation without time or venue.

How can the bridezilla have accepted an invitation that doesn't exist yet? You can't have an invitation without time or venue.

groom says ' we are getting married on X date, will you come'

Guest says 'yes we will be there'

Commitment made

It may be that her fiance has insisted that she attend his friend's wedding. Maybe that friend is quite a close friend of his. I am vv close to a particular cousin, but I rarely see her as she now lives on the other side of the world. That doesn't cancel out our shared history. Obviously, on the face of it, we're not that close. DH has not met her often, so he barely knows her. Nevertheless, if she were getting married I would certainly expect him to attend with me (regardless of my 'role' or lack of one), and would have to re-evaluate my relationship with him if he refused.

I suppose it can happen like that Katenka.

I do think the op is right to be hurt by this though.

I don't think there is anything wrong with a couple attending different weddings on the same day if there is a clash like this. It's not ideal, but certainly not a reason to rethink the relationship.

zippey you get one day for your wedding, not a year! Ridiculous to suggest OP gets married next year. Why should she??

She Is upset that you didn't ask her to be your bridesmaid.
She is not psychic, how is she to know that you planned to ask Her???
When were you planning to ask her? You chose a date without checking that the bridesmaid was free!
I think you have gone about this the wrong way and unfortunately you have committed a bit of a faux pas.
Rewind, if you value the friendship explain to friend that you would love her to be your bridesmaid. If she can't pull out of other wedding you may need to change your date to accommodate.
Very bizarre to send someone a save the date and not even mention that you want them to be your bridesmaid, why didn't you tell her?
Unfortunately I think this situation is of your own making.