im bridesmaid to a bridezilla who won't come to my own wedding

[selfishbride]

I'm bridesmaid for one of my friends in July, we met at uni and have been very close for 10 years. Over Christmas I got expectantly got engaged myself, and friend was very happy for me giving me flowers and a card etc.

Fast forward to me giving her a save the date for my own wedding in August, and she replied straight away saying she was going to another wedding. No apology, no explanation.

On meeting with her she explained the wedding was of a close friend of her hubby to be, however she barely knows the guy or his wife to be. I questioned why her husband to be could not go to that wedding and her to mine. However this doesn't appear to be an option she wants to consider.
This was after asking me loads of questions about my wedding then at the end of the discussion she just said 'Shame I can't come'.

I'm devastated and cant understand why she has made the decision not to attend my wedding, as if I would without a doubt attend her wedding over one of my fiancées friends.

The wedding she says she's attending is not booked in any manner, the couple don't even have a venue. So it is not that she already has hotel, transport etc. Our wedding is all booked.

It makes it worse that she is the most demanding bride when it comes to being her bridesmaid. Constant bridesmaids meetings and being really fussy over things and generally very demanding. Its upsetting me that I am doing all these things for her yet feel she doesn't care enough to return the favour for me or even attend my day. She would have been my bridesmaid.

What do you guys think? I'm unsure what to do so am currently avoiding her but due to attend another bridesmaid meeting soon so cant for much longer!

[Sunbeam1112]

My old uni friend couldn't make my wedding due to it being on the same day as her partners sister. I was dissappointed, but i wouldn't expect them to seperate to go to the weddings seperately. We had a bloody good time on my hen to make up for it though.Shes now engaged and looking forward to her wedding.

[Jezebel555]

Tell her to fuck off. Nasty bitch

[Shemozzle]

I think it's a bit weird to send her a save the date text before asking if she'll be your bridesmaid.

She definitely thinks you weren't going to ask. And I agree she asked for details hoping for you to ask. Why weren't you more upfront? I'd also have been reassuring to her that you'd have preferred to have a bigger gap between weddings too, but it would have meant waiting for another year if you hadn't accepted that date.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

Huh what?

OP said that when they met up they talked about the details of her day before the friend said she wouldn't be able to make it - surely at some point in that conversation OP could have mentioned the fact that she'd have liked to have her as a bridesmaid?

[dangerrabbit]

Started a long post about this but then realised I couldn't NC on my phone.

I had a similar situation OP and I dealt with my Bridezilla (who I otherwise liked but who displayed similar Bridezilla behaviour) by starting a whatsapp group with friends who didn't know her for an outlet to deal with her antics. Of course, you are no doubt much more grown up than me and have mature ways of handling her behaviour, but it comes down to whether you feel the friendship is worth you putting up with her annoying behaviour or whether this is a friendship-ending move on her part. Alternatively the friendship could continue just on a much more distant basis.

[NameChange30]

Sometimes weddings and other big life events can reveal people to be not the friends you thought they were. I think this is one of those situations.

A good friend would not prioritise their partner's friend over you. They would try and compromise and maybe go separately so they can each be with their friend.

You can resign from being a bridesmaid, and I think you should. I would still go to the wedding (if she doesn't react badly to you not being bridesmaid and disinvite you) but maybe step back a bit from the friendship.

[lorelei9]

Wild, the friend said she couldn't attend as soon as she received the Save the Date.

But I'd consider it poor form if she didn't go to the wedding because she hadn't been asked to be bridesmaid. the thing here seems to be that they are, or were, close friends.

[Muskateersmummy]

If I had already accepted an invite on that day I wouldn't cancel that if my friends came up subsequently. I would possibly have been more upset in telling you that I couldn't make it, but wouldn't cancel plans to go to the wedding of a close friend of my husbands to attend a close friend of mine's wedding. That's effectively saying my friends are more important than his?

For me we are a partnership, so we both go to events like these together, I wouldn't expect him to go to his friends wedding solo so I could attend one that came up after we had already agreed to go.

I think you have the right to be upset, and hurt by the way she told you, but not to expect her to rearrange her plans.

[NameChange30]

Being in a relationship doesn't mean being joined at the hip

Receiving an unofficial save the date text for a wedding that isn't even booked is not the same as accepting an invitation

Just because your friend hasn't asked you to be bridesmaid yet doesn't make it OK to say you're not attending the wedding before she even has chance to ask

[Muskateersmummy]

Dh and I aren't joined at the hip, but jointly invited things like weddings we would go to together.

I think if you have told someone your going to their wedding, then you kind of are. I might not have replied in quote the same was as op's friend more we are supposed to be going to another wedding that day let me check and get back to you.

[PitPatKitKat]

Agree with PP that she thinks you weren't going to ask her to be a bridesmaid.

I think she's jumped the gun a bit, but it's understandable because you didn't ask her when you got engaged or make some enquiries about some dates she was free. TBF, that close to her own wedding, she might have been away on honeymoon, lots of people delay it a bit now.

It is unfortunate that she is a demanding bride, but I think it might be better to treat that as a separate issue, otherwise this will just blow up and you will both be hurt. Think it's best to proceed as if this is all a big misunderstanding really. Unless you are happy about losing the friendship.

Used to organise events professionally and its good form to find out when the venue is free and the key players are free, then decide on the best fit all round from there. Precisely because it avoids this kind of thing and especially if you are arranging something at short notice/in a peak period. It also gives people a chance to bow out gracefully if they see you have your heart set on a date they can't make, without themselves feeling hurt that they don't matter enough for the date to be moved.

And some people really are sticklers for going with the first invitation that they accept. It can sometimes go against the grain a bit for all concerned, but there is also something reassuring in it- after all, that kind of person is unlikely to dump you for a better offer at another time.

Just as it is also really bad form to invite just one member of a couple to a wedding, also it's not really fair to expect her and her new husband to go their separate ways to different weddings, especially when they are so newly married. It's the kind of thing you can accept if someone offers to do it, but you cannot expect someone to do.

And yes, there is a hierarchy of friendship above said as someone ab, and a spouse comes at the top of that tree. So if she promised him she would go, she cannot break her promise to him to favour you, irregardless of her promise to the other bride and groom. She likes him best in all the world, that's why she is standing up and marrying him.

Agree that some things are more important than ettiquette. However, correctly used, protocol and etiquette is a way of avoiding these situations. You jumped at a good slot at a venue rather than considering the people you wanted there on the day. And you didn't consult the people you wanted to be there in advance or even give them notice you wanted them to play a special role. So some of this is on you to sort out.

You are right that etiquette can be used as a weapon, but it could very well be she was hurt as she thinks you don't want her as a bridesmaid, and is using those excuses to defend herself.

[PitPatKitKat]

*as someone said above
*regardless

[Headmelt]

I think she's pissed off you haven't asked her to be bridesmaid. and
I think she's miffed that her 'new bride' status will be supplanted by you barely a month after her wedding.
^ This ^

[iciclewinter]

If you wanted her to be bridesmaid then you could have asked her when she'd be free.

As it stands, she's behaving impeccably by going to the wedding she's already agreed to go to. You don't just cancel something like that because you've got a better offer.

[MistressDeeCee]

Id drop out if I were you OP. You may deem her a close friend but it doesn't sound as if she sees you in the same light. More and more these days I rate peace of mind far above keeping the peace with others when you're feeling anxious or miserable and resentful inside due to them slighting you.

I would never put the wedding of a longstanding close friend aside in favour of attending another, Id simply drop out of attending the other wedding, or find a compromise. Its easy enough to explain to the not so close friends what has happened, and send an apology and a gift if it comes to that. It sounds so haughty to say "well they invited me 1st and thats that". Who really does that to a good mate?

All the angst and jumping through hoops that goes on when people know they aren't feeling good due to another's actions, then twist themselves in knots about it. Honestly, is it all worth it? If you feel your reasons for being upset are valid to YOU, then thats enough. Id feel the same in your shoes. You're going to have to woman up and tell her how you feel, then take it from there. Sort it all out asap, well before your wedding.

[wotoodoo]

Do NOT be her bridesmaid. You will seethe with resentment and it will show. She does not rate you highly as a friend. Your upset and hurt is your instinct talking, listen to it! You won't feel at peace with yourself and your own wedding unless you prioritise yourself...as she has done!

[sofato5miles]

Crikey. So glad my friends are long past this.

Bridezillas: rein it in. It's a party to celebrate your wedding, that is all. Honestly the bloody fuss. small wedding in Europe here

Your friend wants to go to a wedding as a wife. That is where she is at. That is more important to her current bonkers obsession then attending yours by herself.

I honestly think we are going backwards.

[starry0ne]

How far away is bridezillas wedding?

I think yes a chat over you were hurt as you wanted her to be bridesmaid needs to be had otherwise I think it will be friendship over

[Devilishpyjamas]

She's one of those joined at the hip couples & wants to swan around & relive her wedding with her husband a month later (maybe be pleased it isn't happening at yours?). Of course husband & wife should separate & go to separate weddings (unless the other wedding was a close family wedding - that might be harder to get out of, but friends she doesn't know, who won't care whether she's there or not? Bah)

Agree with sofas - we're going backwards.

I predict divorce for bridezilla within 5 years.

[notonyurjellybellynelly]

See, at the point you met up and she asked about your plans, I would have said 'I was really hoping you would be my bridesmaid' - then she'd have all the facts and you'd both know where you stood.

If you gave her all the information about your day and didnt ask her to be bridesmaid then she probably assumes she isn't going to be invited and may be upset about it.

Yes. Spot on.

I think the fact you didn't immediately mention her being your bridesmaid is at the bottom of all of this.

[TerrorAustralis]

Someone who I considered a good friend didn't come to my wedding. The circumstances were different to yours, but I felt that she should have made the effort to come. I was quite hurt at the time and felt that she didn't value our friendship as much as I did. Particularly as she had made bigger efforts (travelling across the world) to attend another friend's wedding.

We kept in touch, but my hurt meant that I stopped putting the effort in, and eventually let the friendship slide.

Now, over 10 years on I regret it, because I did really like her as a friend. I think I got too caught up in the all-consuming 'but it's my wedding' thought vortex. My advice would be to graciously accept her decision and carry on as normal if you value her friendship.

[Krampus]

I think the first theory to work on is that she assumes that you don't want to be bridesmaid.

[notonyurjellybellynelly]

Terror, would you ever consider contacting your friend and saying what you've said here? You never know, it may just be that you soon have your friend back.

[Wellthen]

Why would you set the date before asking the wedding party? Given your wedding is a month after hers, she might well have been on honeymoon. I think you've been a bit foolish here.

I agree that refusing an invite simply because you're not a bridesmaid is petty but you haven't handled this very tactfully. What about th other bridesmaids, have you asked them? Are they the same group of friends?

Your first few posts make her sound jealous and self centred but then your massive drip feed that you 'were going to' ask makes you both sound as bad as each other. Its 7 months till your wedding - she had clearly been waiting for you to ask and then she gets this text which leaves a sour taste.

I would be annoyed if I were her.

Tell her you wanted her to be bridesmaid and apologise that the text obviously made her feel that you didn't. Say that you have handled this badly and are very sad that she can't come to your wedding. Explain you'll understand if she genuinely cant come, in which case you should probably back out of being her bridesmaid too.