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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To explode at the school

105 replies

Holdmeback · 25/01/2016 14:34

DD complaining for the last few weeks about a boy in her class trying to look at her knickers during PE changing. She's 6.

I did the oh just ignore him ect etc. Still complaining. I told her to tell the teacher.

School have just phoned home. Apparently DD was uncomfortable getting changed today and complained about child x looking at her and waiting for her to take her skirt off.

Could she possibly wear a vest next week as it might make her more comfortable?

I'm sorry, WTF? Why should she cover herself up, why not tell HIM to stop staring?!

OP posts:
GwenethPaltrowIamnot · 25/01/2016 14:40

I'm sure they have . They are just trying to help

honeysucklejasmine · 25/01/2016 14:41

Ouch. I would certainly ask them why that's what they suggest, but I'd not explode at them. Civil conversations are more useful.

Original poster
Holdmeback · 25/01/2016 14:43

I asked them if they had.

They said its tricky as kids are kids

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 25/01/2016 14:43

Yes, of course you’re right in principle. Still, I’d try to understand what’s been said and done before going in all guns blazing. Do you know what has been said to the little boy? As long as he has been properly spoken to and they’re making sure he’s removed from the situation, then I don’t think it’s U of them to suggest a vest if she’s shy.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 25/01/2016 14:46

Is it a mixed-sex changing room then?

"Kids are kids". FFS. They mean "boys will be boys". He needs to learn YOUNG that perving at the opposite sex is not acceptable.

Katenka · 25/01/2016 14:58

Well it depends. Dd did feel more comfortable with a vest for getting changed.

They may have spoken to the boy, but they don't know if it will stop until the next time.

Do not explode. Explain to the school that a vest is not a solution to the problem and dd shouldn't feel she has to wear a vest to be comfortable. It should be her choice.

Her behaviour or dress should not be altered because of his inappropriate behaviour.

I have sympathy for the school to some degree.They don't want to write the boy off or label him. But this has to be nipped in the bud.

middlings · 25/01/2016 14:58

I'd also go the civilised conversation route but I would be furious. And I would ask them, very calmly, what they are doing to discipline the boy. His behaviour is not acceptable.

Katenka · 25/01/2016 14:59

Sorry my first paragraph should have had 'is this something your dd has told them she wants or is this entirely their suggestion to get round the problem'

GwenethPaltrowIamnot · 25/01/2016 15:00

I would ask for clarification then
We are constantly telling children their body is private . Ask what else has been put in place

scarednoob · 25/01/2016 15:01

Sorry if this is totally inappropriate as my DD is only 4 months, but could you speak to his parents too?

I agree: the school is putting a band aid on the problem, but before you get too mad, ask what else they are doing. It might be better than you think.

Themodernuriahheep · 25/01/2016 15:02

Umm, this ought to be raising flags for the school. It's not a question of writing off. It's an issue if why is he doing it?

As well, of course, as supporting your daughter.

ArmchairTraveller · 25/01/2016 15:03

Is he staring because he's being inappropriate?
Is she wearing something that's caught his eye?
Is he actually looking at her at all?
Do the teachers, watching the children get changed, feel that he needs to be spoken to, or is your 6 year old DD misreading the situation and thinks she's being stared at?

Hihohoho1 · 25/01/2016 15:05

I think the boys parents need informing too.

It's tricky at 6 as they are do young and families have huge differences in attitudes to nudity/bodies etc.

At 6 my dss would have stripped off anywhere but my dds were far more body conscious at the same age.

Ask to see their policy on changing and child protection.

Quoteunquote · 25/01/2016 15:06

They should be providing separate changing areas, their failure to do so has resulted in a six year old girl being made to feel very uncomfortable.

Ask for a meeting with the school governors and make sure they are aware of their responsibility to safe guard your daughter.

Put it all in writing to the head and each of the governors and make sure you send it recorded delivery.

It's irrelevant how old the other child is, how your daughter was made to feel is issue.

Hihohoho1 · 25/01/2016 15:07

Scarednoob can't imagine confronting the parents in the playground would go down well.

You need to go via the school.

Hihohoho1 · 25/01/2016 15:08

Very few schools can provide seperate changing areas for 6 year olds. None I know do.

TeenAndTween · 25/01/2016 15:08

Going a bit against the grain here, but at age 6 girls and boys bodies are pretty much the same if they keep their pants on. 6yo boys often change for swimming in female changing rooms. It is completely standard for infants to change together. So I'm sort of wondering why she is bothered by it particularly? (As in is she unusual in being bothered, or is the boy actually doing something out of the norm for 6yo boys?)

Topseyt · 25/01/2016 15:09

Calm and rational conversation, no exploding.

Tell them that this boy has been making your DD feel uncomfortable for some time now, and that you hope they can help put a stop to it.

Just as a suggestion, when I was a child I was always rather self conscious about this sort of thing, so I made myself pull my PE shorts on underneath my skirt before I removed my skirt, thus minimising what would end up on view. Afterwards, I would pull the skirt on before removing the shorts.

I guess she shouldn't have to wear a vest if she doesn't want to. If he is trying to see her knickers then I can't really see how one would help.

ChampaleSocialist · 25/01/2016 15:10

YANBU. This seems to be another example of the schools telling the vicitims to change their behaviour.
It happened regularly at DC1's school. For example, when bullied, they took him out of the class and made him sit in the library.

Write to the school and ask them to provide separate changing facilities and to tackle the boy. Get a reply in writing.
If you are not satisfied take it further.

Pain1 · 25/01/2016 15:11

I don't think she should have to wear a vest it gives out the wrong signals doesn't it? He's staring at you so cover up and it will help.
I think they need to focus on the boy tbh.

Topseyt · 25/01/2016 15:11

Not realistic at all to provide segregated changing areas for six year old girls and boys. No schools I know of do this. Secondary schools yes, but not primary schools. They often have to change for PE in the classroom.

IWannaBeAPopstar · 25/01/2016 15:13

I HATE the changing for pe issue. Especially by year six, it really is inappropriate. Many girls are needing bras and mensruating at age 11, perhaps even younger.

Obviously puberty isn't an issue for the op's dd, but what is going to happen when she's changing for pe with that same boy in her class when she's 11? This needs to stop now.

Gobbolino6 · 25/01/2016 15:15

Oh I would be FURIOUS. There's no point exploding at the school, though. In your position I'd want to meet with the relevant teacher as soon as possible and ask what was being done in terms of speaking to the boy etc.

ArmchairTraveller · 25/01/2016 15:15

Older children in primary tend to have boys change in the classroom and girls in the girls' toilets. With younger children, supervision is an issue.
I'd want to know what sort of behaviour the staff are actually seeing in the classroom whilst the children are changing.

Topseyt · 25/01/2016 15:17

Errr, 6 years old is about Year 2, not Year 6.