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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To explode at the school

105 replies

Holdmeback · 25/01/2016 14:34

DD complaining for the last few weeks about a boy in her class trying to look at her knickers during PE changing. She's 6.

I did the oh just ignore him ect etc. Still complaining. I told her to tell the teacher.

School have just phoned home. Apparently DD was uncomfortable getting changed today and complained about child x looking at her and waiting for her to take her skirt off.

Could she possibly wear a vest next week as it might make her more comfortable?

I'm sorry, WTF? Why should she cover herself up, why not tell HIM to stop staring?!

OP posts:
caravanista · 25/01/2016 15:17

Ffs they're six! He's not 'perving' he's just looking - it's normal 6 year old behaviour. Obviously if the OP's daughter is upset he needs to be asked not to, but it's perfectly normal behaviour.

IWannaBeAPopstar · 25/01/2016 15:22

Tops - err, I stated that in my post.

OurBlanche · 25/01/2016 15:24

It may not be another example of the schools telling the vicitims to change their behaviour. It could be that they are making a suggestion to help OPs DD feel more comfortable whilst they do what they have to do with the boy and his family.

They cannot and will not ignore such behaviour but nor can they tell OP what might be going in the background.

All you can do OP is support your DH, make sure she knows it is nothing she is doing and that her teachers will always listen. Also keep the school in the loop if she experiences it again.

As others have said, we have no way of knowing if the boy is doing anything or if OPs DD is self conscious and feels it more than the other kids. Either way, school needs to be aware and OPs DD needs calm support.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 25/01/2016 15:28

Ffs they're six! He's not 'perving' he's just looking - it's normal 6 year old behaviour. Obviously if the OP's daughter is upset he needs to be asked not to, but it's perfectly normal behaviour.

Sorry but I agree with this ^^.
He's six, which means he's still little. Stop making him out to be a pervert.

I wonder if people would be so hysterical if this was a 6 year old girl looking at a boy.

LagunaBubbles · 25/01/2016 15:28

He needs to learn YOUNG that perving at the opposite sex is not acceptable

Right so youve written off a 6 year old as a pervert then without anyone having a clue about what has actually happened?

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 25/01/2016 15:29

Next he will be branded a future rapist. Hmm

ArmchairTraveller · 25/01/2016 15:30

If it's Y1, he might only be 5.
I agree with what Blanche posted, the girl needs to be supported, and the situation needs to be looked at calmly and what is actually happening needs to be clear.

BillSykesDog · 25/01/2016 15:34

I also agree, he is a small child and I find it disturbing some posters on here have him down as a lecherous pervert who has 'victims'.

OP needs to talk calmly to the school. But this is a six year old and it's probably entirely innocent.

Themodernuriahheep · 25/01/2016 15:37

No he won't. But it can happen that there is inappropriate behaviour occurring at home. Occurred in my DC's school and this or a slightly more extreme equivalent was how it got discovered. In reception and year 1And given that abusers tend to have been abused, important to flag now.

SquinkiesRule · 25/01/2016 15:38

I don't see the point in a vest, what happens as the weather warms up, will she still asked to wear one? She'll get overheated.
Maybe it's time they did let the girls in to change first then, let the boys in and the girls leave to let them have privacy too.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 25/01/2016 15:41

Perhaps I am naive but he is only six

Does she have a selection of really cool knickers by some remote chance?
Does he generally seek her approval? In a clumsy bit of a crush sort of fashion.

Or iss he a bit of a classroom bully in the "I can see your bottom" sort of way. The school should definitely be taking that in hand?

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 25/01/2016 15:43

Perhaps I am naive but he is only six

He might even only be 5

LeaLeander · 25/01/2016 15:43

Wow, I am taken aback at the lack of privacy.

Even if separate changing rooms are not feasible, surely boys could go into one classroom and girls another? Aren't more than one class being sent to PE at the same time?

Witchend · 25/01/2016 15:44

She may also perceive he is looking at her, but the school have watched and seen that he isn't. I remember dd1 saying at a similar age someone kept watching her at the park. Very quickly I realised he was actually watching his dog which was running about behind the park, directly the other side of the swings she was on. My conclusion was to suggest she came off the swings and hey presto he no longer appeared to be watching her.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 25/01/2016 15:44

Why does there always need to be innappropraite behaviour going on at home?
Would you not be humiliated if the school took it upon themselves/ reported your child's behaviour to whoever to figure out "what is going on at home" just because one of your small children stared at another child getting changed.
He's little and he's just curious. He's not a pervert at that age.

I still think people would shrug it off if a girl was doing the same thing. And I doubt a girl would be called a pervert as well.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 25/01/2016 15:45

Ooh, not on. I know at 6 'kids will be kids' but our school has a zero tolerance policy of inappropriate behaviour from nursery/reception. It's all handled in an age appropriate way and not heavy handed but it is stamped upon quickly, including involving the head/parents of child doing the 'inappropriate thing'.

I'm sure it's a well-meaning teacher trying to be nice but my DD would get very hot having to wear a vest (I grow hot kids) and wouldn't want to - any why should she have to?!

I'd pop in to arrange a chat with the teacher in question and explain very nicely that it is not your DD's place to change what she wears but that the school must deal with this boy.

ChoudeBruxelles · 25/01/2016 15:47

It's very usual for younger children to all get changed together. I really don't see that a six year old is being a pervert.

Naicehamshop · 25/01/2016 15:47

My God - absolutely lunatic responses on here. A 6 year old boy is being labelled a "future pervert" because he is looking at a girl??

The school I work in has infants changing together in the classroom because there is nowhere else to go. This stops in the juniors (from 8 upwards) and there is no way that you would get Y6 girls (aged 10/11) changing in the same classroom as boys. If you are really worried then go in and speak calmly to the class teacher - to explode about this would be totally unhelpful and ridiculous.

Berora · 25/01/2016 15:49

I agree with those who said the boy's parents should know. Perhaps you could ask the teacher to speak to them and ask to explain to their DS that he shouldn't stare at other children while they are getting changed, because that makes them feel self-conscious and uncomfortable?

teatowel · 25/01/2016 15:49

Children of 6 are highly amused by pants and all kinds of 'toilet talk'. Willies, bums and pooh are hysterically funny. Authors cash in on it with such books as 'Aliens love Underpants'. I'm sure the school are only doing their best to help.People on here calling a little boy of 6 a pervert is sad and very wrong. The school would be aware of red flag signals.

Viviennemary · 25/01/2016 15:51

At first I thought I thought the vest suggestion was perfectly reasonable. But on second thoughts it wouldn't reallysolve the problem in the summer time or on a warmer day. I think the school should be made very aware of the problem and should be taking steps to deal with it. And provide separate changing places for boys and girls. Your DD should absolutely not be made to feel uncomfortable.

jelliebelly · 25/01/2016 15:52

I have a dd who is 6 and frankly I cannot believe some of these responses. If they all just get on with getting dressed / undressed then of course there will be pants on show but what is the problem with that? Of course if dd is self conscious then you need to deal with that but without being there you can't jump to conclusions. But like banning kiss chase in the playground - bonkers.

Theoretician · 25/01/2016 15:53

I'm wondering who taught her to care whether or not anyone saw her knickers, as I can't see that it matters if anyone does. DD is about the same age, and is frequently being trained to be "modest" by DW, who was apparently born a couple of centuries ago. (Not British.)

I'm happy to say that despite her mother's influence, I think there is more chance of DD being told off by school for deliberately flashing her bum than there is of her being genuinely upset by someone looking at her. (She does it all the time to me, as she thinks it's hilarious. I have told her not to do it at school.)

jelliebelly · 25/01/2016 15:55

Meant to add that imo the more fuss you make the more of an issue it will become . Have a chat with the teacher / if it is bullying behaviour it needs dealing with if it is natural 5/6 yr olds messing about then your dd needs to learn to deal with it herself.

3catsandcounting · 25/01/2016 15:56

Our school has 5 classrooms for 7 year groups, so no chance of segregation (apart from Yr 5/6 girls getting changed in the toilets.)
6 year-olds are inquisitive, they're very often inappropriate; they can also stare blankly at nothing whilst they're changing for PE, and take forever!
The teacher just needs to pull said boy up with "xx, stop staring at yy, hurry up and get changed".
If that doesn't work, he should stand next to the teacher or TA until this phase passes. Which it will.