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AIBU?

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Original poster

To explode at the school

105 replies

Holdmeback · 25/01/2016 14:34

DD complaining for the last few weeks about a boy in her class trying to look at her knickers during PE changing. She's 6.

I did the oh just ignore him ect etc. Still complaining. I told her to tell the teacher.

School have just phoned home. Apparently DD was uncomfortable getting changed today and complained about child x looking at her and waiting for her to take her skirt off.

Could she possibly wear a vest next week as it might make her more comfortable?

I'm sorry, WTF? Why should she cover herself up, why not tell HIM to stop staring?!

OP posts:
HoobleDooble · 25/01/2016 15:57

My DS is the same age and has just started wth the "this is for boys, and that is for girls" stuff when it comes to toys and clothes we see when we're out. I do try and tell him that boys can have dolls and girls can have toy cars etc. But he's obviously starting to notice a difference between male and female (he's also asked me a few questions regarding what I have if I don't have a 'peanuts').

So I'd assume the little boy in question isn't practising for a career as a peeping Tom, but is just showing a natural curiosity regarding differences between himself and his female classmates, maybe even just noticing they have pink knickers and he has Spiderman ones.

TeenAndTween · 25/01/2016 15:57

The boy is not as far as we are aware

  • making comments
  • touching the girl
  • pulling down her knickers

It is unclear to me whether he is doing anything wrong at all.

The girl can

  • put PE shorts on before removing skirt
  • turn her back on boy as she is changing
  • choose to wear to vest / crop top, though that won't help with her seeing her knickers
  • choose to ignore the boy for the 30 seconds her knickers are on show

The parent hasn't even established yet whether the school think the boy is doing anything out of the norm. Why all this jumping in and blaming the boy?

ArmchairTraveller · 25/01/2016 15:59

'Aren't more than one class being sent to PE at the same time?'

Not usually, most primaries only have one hall.
I agree, some very odd responses here.
I did have one parent who claimed her son was being groomed by a fellow pupil. They were 6, she claimed he was her boyfriend in the playground and he'd gone home and got upset about it. Mother was furious too, she saw it as a sign of precocious sexual awareness.
We just sat down and talked to both children separately and the problem was sorted in an age-appropriate manner. Parent calmed down too, once she saw it being dealt with. Girls mother was furious too and they didn't really talk for years.

StuffEverywhere · 25/01/2016 16:00

In our state primary two classes get together in the corridor before PE, then girls go to one class, and boys to the other. So it is separate.

Maybe it's possible to devise some sort of creative solution around the problem, like this?

Boys and girls changing in the same room isn't good.

I would try to have a civilized conversation but I would be very cross.

ArmchairTraveller · 25/01/2016 16:01

'But like banning kiss chase in the playground '

Banned in most of the schools I know. Smile

Youarentkiddingme · 25/01/2016 16:06

Well I don't see how if she feels he's waiting for her to remove her skirt and feels he's looking at her knickers a vest will help her anyway?!

Also I do agree at 5/6yo it's likely not perverted etc and no indication of future behaviour. However the DD is complaining about 1 child, not general discomfort but discomfort felt by one child. This needs addressing because what ever the reason and whether his behaviour is innocent or not he needs to stop it and DD needs to feel adults take her feelings seriously.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/01/2016 16:06

We are talking about 5/6 year old kids where the complaint is 'being looked at'

Nothing else just being looked at,many does anybody need to attach something sinister to it

Naicehamshop · 25/01/2016 16:07

Stuff - I would try to have a civilised conversation but I would be very cross.
Why? Explain yourself, remembering all the time that these children are 6. Confused

RiverTam · 25/01/2016 16:09

Ah, the slippery slope of girls being expected to alter their clothing rather than dealing with a boy's behaviour. Starting at 6 Shock.

I would politely say that I expect the school to deal with the boy, not that my DD shoukd be expected to change anything given that she hasn't done anything wrong. Otherwise both children are being taught a very bad lesson.

MrsDeVere · 25/01/2016 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArmchairTraveller · 25/01/2016 16:10

You'd need to establish if he knew that he was staring, that he was making her uncomfortable, before being cross. That he'd been told to stop and had ignored the order.
Being clear and firm about rules and boundaries is a more useful response.

ArmchairTraveller · 25/01/2016 16:12

The slippery slope of small boys being branded perverts on the word of another small child.

RiverTam · 25/01/2016 16:15

I'm not calling him a pervert, ffs. Im making the point that if he's upsetting and making her feel uncomfortable then it is his behaviour that needs addressing, not her clothing.

talkingcandy · 25/01/2016 16:15

I would be cross at the implication that the girl should be 'modest' that she should change her behavior. The vest suggestion is not the problem, it is the suggestion that the boy is just being a boy, so there is no issue. I see every day children not stopping behavior when asked to do so, even reception and yr1. This is taken very seriously and we talk about 'consent' with the children. It is in no way sexual but it helps to mitigate the 'entitlement' that some children seem to be taught at home. Unfortunately, the boys seem to have this entitlement more than the girls.

Naicehamshop · 25/01/2016 16:16

River Tam - for God's sake. Read back what you have written and then try to get a grip.

KirstyJC · 25/01/2016 16:18

I think the problem here isn't what the boy is doing (he is unlikely to be a pervert at 5 or 6 yers old!). The problem is the way the school seem to be saying that as a girl, her way of dealing with being stared at should be to cover herself up.

Not that I'm surprised - after all, it is what society says. If a woman is being stared at, being wolf- whistled at or being groped in a nightclub - it is, of course, their responsibility to do something about it. And they probably asked for it anyway, wearing clothes that reveal they have boobs or legs. Right? Heaven forbid we help our boys understand that their behaviour is down to them.

This seems to be the culturally ingrained, probably unconscious, attitude that the teachers are passing on. I only hope they have told her this in addition to telling the boy not to stare at other people as well.

OP - YANBU. I would suggest you speak to the teacher to establish exactly what has been done about the boy's behaviour as well. As a parent of 3 boys I would hope I would be told if any of mine did this, so that I could explain to them how it isn't appropriate.

RiverTam · 25/01/2016 16:19

Why? What's your point?

abbsismyhero · 25/01/2016 16:22

why the hell are they not moving him away from the ops child? its simple everyone get ready for PE x can you get changed over here please he will learn soon staring is not appropriate until he does get changed by the teachers desk at the front of the class

she cant wear a vest in the summer ffs how is that even a solution?

aprilanne · 25/01/2016 16:23

maybe i am getting this wrong but if school telling you to put a vest on dd then i take it she is having to take of a shirt and put on a t shirt in front of others if this the case then yes i think she should wear a vest

RiverTam · 25/01/2016 16:25

Why? DD doesn't wear a vest every day, her school is bloody boiling and she'd be far too hot with a vest in unless it's very very cold. What's so awful about seeing a 6yo girl's chest and tummy?

middlings · 25/01/2016 16:26

There's a huge amount of extrapolation on this thread!

I've just gone back and reread the OP. NOWHERE does she state that there is anything sexual in this boy's behaviour. What is quite clear is that one child is doing something which another child finds upsetting, and has asked him to stop and he hasn't!

That is at best, annoying and irritating and at worst, bullying behaviour and he needs to be told to stop!! Firmly. And if he doesn't, he needs to face a consequence until he understands that it's not appropriate and he does stop!

FFS! My two year old gets told off for growling at her big sister as it sends the big sister into apoplexy (my two year old is the world's biggest wind up merchant). Same principles apply here!

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 25/01/2016 16:30

Ah, the slippery slope of girls being expected to alter their clothing rather than dealing with a boy's behaviour. Starting at 6 shock.

Oh shut up. The boy is SIX as well. Maybe even five.
What if this was a boy who was being looked at? This is NOT a feminist issue so stop making it in to one because it could have well gone the other way.

Your comment is absolutely ridiculous.

AarghGrrAargh · 25/01/2016 16:30

Totally agree with River. Why shouldn't the boy alter his behaviour instead of the girl having to alter hers. He is making her uncomfortable by staring, he needs to change the way he behaves.

aprilanne · 25/01/2016 16:32

there is nothing awful about it but if it is mixed changing .it certaintly would,nt be my daughter my hubby would have a fit maybe they can just let her change in the girls toilets .because small children will stare at each other especially the opposite sex.

YesterdayOnceMore · 25/01/2016 16:32

I'm not calling him a pervert, ffs. Im making the point that if he's upsetting and making her feel uncomfortable then it is his behaviour that needs addressing, not her clothing.

I partially disagree - whilst he needs to be told to get on with getting changed himself and not stare at anyone else, as far as we know he isn't doing anything particularly wrong. He might not even really be looking.

If she is embarrassed by being in her knickers, then maybe that needs to be addressed. 6 year old girls should be embarrassed about nakedness, let alone their knickers. The 6 year old girls I know wouldn't care about a boy seeing their knickers- they're far more likely to be showing them off to them ("look I've got Hello Kitty pants on today")