Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to send SIL a legal 'cease and desist' letter? (screenshots)

194 replies

SILismad · 25/01/2016 14:25

Ever since I met DH, he has told me she is 'mad' and 'crazy' and I've heard his other siblings say the same but I didn't really understand what he meant until the last 12 months. She seemed a bit eccentric but I liked her and encouraged him to keep contact when he wasn't really in the mood to answer texts etc.

The problem is it seems to be cyclical (mood swings bordering on mania) and DH deals with it by going to ground and not responsing to contact. (He deals with all the family in the same way, in fact; They are a big family with several 'big' characters.) DH has had some work issues in the last two years and a lot of stress and he has become even less inclined to engage with her (just a dminished pot of mental energy, I think). The more he's withdrawn, the more she has pushed, suggesting about a dozen joint holidays in the last year, periodically texting incessantly, that kind of thing.

Which sets the scene for "THE PROBLEM"

Having had minimal (text only) response from him for a few months, it seems she took it into her head that he was dead and someone was impersonating him by text. Cue a flurry of weird texts and weepy voicemails asking if he was alive and who was texting her.

He got irritated with this and - after one phone call to show he was in fact alive - went back to text only mode and refused to budge from it.

All this has culminated this week in a further collection of texts and emails outlining an entire paranoid interpretation of the situation in which I am "abusing" him and preventing him from having contact with his family, am reading his texts etc.

This was all delivered on a very confident, said-as-fact, intervention type tone.

I think I've reached my breaking point with her.

DH has told her by text that he is now severing contact and has again refused to 'phone to confirm his continued survival and is FUMING (angrier than I've ever seen him), but she has sent further texts of the 'I'm here whan you need me' kind.

We're both exhausted and can't decide whether to follow up with a legal letter.

WWYD?

OP posts:
WildeWoman · 25/01/2016 18:19

stairbears - I, and 6 other housemates, the police, the ambulance service have AT LEAST FUCKING TRIED to get help for the individual I refer to. NOTHING CAN BE DONE - FOR WHATEVER REASON - SOME NEW LEGISLATION OR SOMETHING. Can you accept that? Can you accept that this is what all 6 of us have been told? On phonecalls? By email? By police in person? By paramedics in person?

People seem determined to find people dealing with persons CLEARLY suffering from MH issues as cold, callous, uncaring, selfish people.

Believe me - we are not! I am not! None of my housemates are! The paramedics were not. The police were not!

Please - offer advice - informed advice to the OP - not ill-informed abuse directed at her based on ignorance of what can actually be done!

lastuseraccount123 · 25/01/2016 18:19

stairbears just stop.

lastuseraccount123 · 25/01/2016 18:20

sorry wilde woman, sorry OP. some people just get off on being self-righteous twats I guess.

stairbears · 25/01/2016 18:21

Show me what I said that was abusive?

WildeWoman · 25/01/2016 18:21

Stairbears - I don't know what everyone else is saying, but I am saying that yes, from what the police and paramedics told us, THEY (not us), THEY, AS PROFESSIONALS, are utterly powerless to act.

IPityThePontipines · 25/01/2016 18:21

To add to people's experiences:

A relative of mine has a mental illness, they've had it for most of their adult life, so are well known to local MH services.

They stopped taking their medication. This meant they starting thinking the Royal Family wanted to kill them. Nothing was done.

It was only when they tried to (rather publicly) kill themselves, that they were sectioned and even then, it was a struggle to find a bed for them.

That's the reality. Ringing up MH services, saying "My Sister In Law thinks I'm hurting my husband" won't generate a much of a response.

WildeWoman · 25/01/2016 18:23

stairbears - you said 'at least you could try'. We're telling you, that this is a pointless exercise! So you're basically telling the OP for not heading off on a pointless exercise to satisfy you. That is abuse!

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 25/01/2016 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stairbears · 25/01/2016 18:24

No need to resort to name calling. I have not been abusive or self -righteous?! I have said to the op that she could try to obtain advice from actual mental health professionals. Then at least she knows she has done all she can!

WildeWoman · 25/01/2016 18:25

*telling off the OP

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 25/01/2016 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lastuseraccount123 · 25/01/2016 18:27

ok stairbears, okay.

WildeWoman · 25/01/2016 18:27

stairbears - we are trying to tell you that mental health professionals can not do anything.

lastuseraccount123 · 25/01/2016 18:28

iampissed because the OP should be a better person and do it even if it's completely futile, because otherwise she is NOT a GOOD PERSON. or something. or not trying hard enough. or something. who knows.

RatherBeRiding · 25/01/2016 18:28

She may well be mentally ill. If she is, she will only be assessed without her agreement if she is in crisis and deemed to be a risk to herself or others. (I spent many many years in the NHS in a mental health law capacity and know the Mental Health Act inside out). She doesn't seem to be a risk. Therefore the OP, her DH, her BiL and Uncle Tom Cobley and all can ring the local hospital, her GP, social services, the local Community Mental Health Team till the cows come home. She may be offered an appointment. If she doesn't believe she is ill she won't attend. Referall will be closed.

MH services are desperately over-stretched, trying to keep pace with people with a long history of MH who already have a diagnosis, are well known to services, and are in dire need of medication and treatment.

It is simplistic in the extreme to tell the OP that she and her family are responsible for "getting help". There is help out there, but if the SiL chooses not to take it, doesn't believe she needs help, and otherwise functions, then there is nothing the OP can do. Or her DH. The best placed person is the BiL - but even if he makes SiL an appointment with her GP he can't physically drag her there if she doesn't want to go!

GP may do a home visit. He may recommend assessment by the local CMHT. Again, if SiL won't co-operate, what the hell do those people telling the OP to do something think is going to happen?

OP- best thing to do is not engage with her. It won't help. You are not responsible for her mental well-being.

WildeWoman · 25/01/2016 18:29

I'd love to say - call 101. A team will arrive. SIL will be assessed at home. Intervention based on such assessment will take place.

THIS.DOES.NOT.HAPPEN.

Please get it out of your heads that this happens! It doesn't!

WildeWoman · 25/01/2016 18:32

Crossed posts RatherBeRiding - thank you for your eloquence and restraint.

I actually think people need to be more aware of how vulnerable sick people are.

lastuseraccount123 · 25/01/2016 18:34

no it doesn't. my relative has a delusion based in religion, so that complicates things further because under the MH act of the place he lives 'genuine religious belief' cannot be considered a delusion. even if it involves him smashing all my other relatives china ornaments with a hammer for being idols until she got home and stopped him going further. God told him to do it! genuine religious belief!

I called the MH worker, I read the MH Act, my other relative tried to talk to his doctor about it: nothing. Nothing can be done because as far as he's concerned he's fine and God talks to him.

Seriously, stairbears, you have no idea.

firesidechat · 25/01/2016 18:37

stairbears I don't get why you aren't taking the word of posters who have been through this. Mentally ill people are sectioned against their will, but they have to do something criminal for that to happen.

I can't go into too much detail, but my husband's family had been asking for help for years and it was only when the relative got arrested that anything was done. Even after that one episode of being sectioned they wouldn't section again until the next criminal act.

That is the reality.

stairbears · 25/01/2016 18:42

I have more idea than you know, actually. But sorry OP, missed your last post and a couple of others. Agree that if it's an utterly hopeless case and there's nothing anyone can do, you have to protect yourself.

lastuseraccount123 · 25/01/2016 18:42

that is exactly right fireside. my relative has access to hunting rifles, i often wonder if he'll go on a rampage one day. because that's what'll have to take to get him help.

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 25/01/2016 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hygge · 25/01/2016 18:50

OP this sounds awful for you and your DH, and obviously for your SIL too.

I'm not going to comment on her because we can't know what's making her behave like this or believe these things. I don't want to guess, but I agree it sounds like she needs professional help and diagnosis.

I just wanted to say I understand a little of how you feel because my PILs have done similar things at times, although I don't think they have done them for the same reasons as your SIL.

They once reported DH missing because he hadn't phoned them for a couple of days. He thinks they did it to punish him for not calling, rather than because of any genuine concern for his wellbeing. He is in the armed forces and they reported him missing to the ward room where he was based. He was a fairly new recruit and it got him into a lot of trouble, including being confined to the base for several days. And, it being the armed forces, he also had to put up with a lot of teasing about "telling his mummy" where he was.

Not long after we were married he needed a small medical procedure as he had an infected cyst on his shoulder. This meant I had a full week of hysterical phone calls accusing me of lying to them because they knew he really had cancer and we were keeping it a secret, and they were never going to forgive me for not telling them the truth.

More recently (after a very long story and many, many more things like this) we have stopped all contact with them. DH has made his own decision about this but somehow it's become my fault. Even though he works a couple of hundred miles away from home and only comes home at weekends, somehow in their world I am still forbidding him from speaking to them, monitoring his phone, blocking their calls, and reading his messages. Even when he's not here.

They sent him a message reassuring him that they would keep all contact between him and them a secret from now on, and suggesting he deleted all messages and his call log, so I couldn't read them and cause any trouble for him.

He told me about this, just in case you're wondering how I know.

I know it's not true, DH knows its not true, but they are telling anyone who will listen how I'm keeping him from them and forbidding him to call them, and causing trouble for him if he does. It does bother me, and I do find it stressful and upsetting.

So I do really feel for you and your situation with your SIL. Whatever is causing her to behave like this, it doesn't make it any easier for you.

You've come into the family relatively recently, there are people closer to her who might have been better placed to help her long before now.

You can only go by what her family have done and said in the past, and how your DH feels. As her parents have seemingly tried and failed in the past, her siblings are refusing to acknowledge any need for help, and her DH can't seem to see that she needs it, I really don't know what you can do.

Especially as SIL herself is unwilling to get help and posters with experience in similar matters are saying it's almost impossible to get help unless she asks for it or causes real harm.

Of all the people who could have helped her in the past, or who might help her now, you're not the one best placed to do it.

It's hard to live under constant pressure and demands from someone else, even if they can't help it, especially when they seem to genuinely believe the lies and stories they are telling about you.

I think all you can do is respect what you DH decides to do, and if he's serious about cutting contact then maybe changing your phone numbers so you aren't receiving a barrage of accusations by text will be the next step.

Ideally though, your DH should let his sister and her husband know that you are doing this, and why, and hopefully her DH will do something about getting her the help she might need.

I hope you and your DH are okay Flowers

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 25/01/2016 19:10

SiL you've made it clear that your DH is beyond his limit with her now.

After a break to regather his strength, would it be an option to give him a new phone, give her the number, block her on everything else, and tell her up front that he will ring her on XX date? Say about once a month?

Just a suggestion, he may be beyond that point where he wants to do that.

From what you've said about SIL's husband defending her choice to walk into the sea over a bit of spilled coffee .... I'm not sure any conversation would get too far. You've only mentioned one incident so it could be a one-off, but that incident makes it sound like she's lined him right up behind her to support her in eveyrthing she does, no matter how awkward or difficult it is.

SILismad · 25/01/2016 19:10

More recently (after a very long story and many, many more things like this) we have stopped all contact with them. DH has made his own decision about this but somehow it's become my fault. Even though he works a couple of hundred miles away from home and only comes home at weekends, somehow in their world I am still forbidding him from speaking to them, monitoring his phone, blocking their calls, and reading his messages. Even when he's not here.

They sent him a message reassuring him that they would keep all contact between him and them a secret from now on, and suggesting he deleted all messages and his call log, so I couldn't read them and cause any trouble for him.

He told me about this, just in case you're wondering how I know.

That's very familiar Sad

OP posts: