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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to send SIL a legal 'cease and desist' letter? (screenshots)

194 replies

SILismad · 25/01/2016 14:25

Ever since I met DH, he has told me she is 'mad' and 'crazy' and I've heard his other siblings say the same but I didn't really understand what he meant until the last 12 months. She seemed a bit eccentric but I liked her and encouraged him to keep contact when he wasn't really in the mood to answer texts etc.

The problem is it seems to be cyclical (mood swings bordering on mania) and DH deals with it by going to ground and not responsing to contact. (He deals with all the family in the same way, in fact; They are a big family with several 'big' characters.) DH has had some work issues in the last two years and a lot of stress and he has become even less inclined to engage with her (just a dminished pot of mental energy, I think). The more he's withdrawn, the more she has pushed, suggesting about a dozen joint holidays in the last year, periodically texting incessantly, that kind of thing.

Which sets the scene for "THE PROBLEM"

Having had minimal (text only) response from him for a few months, it seems she took it into her head that he was dead and someone was impersonating him by text. Cue a flurry of weird texts and weepy voicemails asking if he was alive and who was texting her.

He got irritated with this and - after one phone call to show he was in fact alive - went back to text only mode and refused to budge from it.

All this has culminated this week in a further collection of texts and emails outlining an entire paranoid interpretation of the situation in which I am "abusing" him and preventing him from having contact with his family, am reading his texts etc.

This was all delivered on a very confident, said-as-fact, intervention type tone.

I think I've reached my breaking point with her.

DH has told her by text that he is now severing contact and has again refused to 'phone to confirm his continued survival and is FUMING (angrier than I've ever seen him), but she has sent further texts of the 'I'm here whan you need me' kind.

We're both exhausted and can't decide whether to follow up with a legal letter.

WWYD?

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/01/2016 14:38

Surely she needs the help and support of her family, not threatening legal letters?

LagunaBubbles · 25/01/2016 14:39

Yes I agree with your last sentence however you cant assume the OPs SIL is the same as your Mother.

Original poster

SILismad · 25/01/2016 14:39

I really dislike your user name - sorry

Yes, I see your point. Not very sensitive.

I chose it quickly for anonymity.

It's like a mantra in the family; 'K is mad' (like a light, quick, jocular description and explanation of the her actions). It's like a chant in my head.

I used to ask DH sometimes 'do you all mean unwell mad or eccentric mad? But he's so avoidant.

OP posts:

Shutthatdoor · 25/01/2016 14:40

Your username stinks tbh, as does the way you describe your SIL.

Original poster

SILismad · 25/01/2016 14:42

Surely she needs the help and support of her family, not threatening legal letters?

I suppose the point at which you hear someone listing the (completely fictional) list of ways you are 'abusive' to the DH you love is the point as which the person starts to feel dangerous?

Or maybe that's me?

OP posts:

pippistrelle · 25/01/2016 14:43

She does sound ill or, perhaps, disordered in so(and very much like my own sister in law, in fact). A legal letter would not help: it would just be another aspect of the conspiracy against her.

My husband 'manages' contact with his sister by agreeing to regular but not too frequent contact. It took a while to get her to stick to those boundaries, and she still regularly attempts to overstep them, but the structure has helped enormously.

Sometimesithinkimbonkers · 25/01/2016 14:44

Yes she does need help but it almost impossible to get the help if they don't consent. To have a section is so difficult.
My SIL is the same and refused medication because it made her fat we explained it was the vast amounts of food. I do get where you are coming from.
We have severed contact now too as SIL was medicated and still totally fucking horrible. We decided that although she has MH problems she's also a total bitch as she was so horrid when 'sane'. We also have severely disabled DS and DH has MS do has enough on our plate ! SIL has a DH of her own who is equally as fucking mental but is a teacher so hides it well too look after her. Since NC our stress levels are much better xxxx

Original poster

SILismad · 25/01/2016 14:45

Your username stinks tbh, as does the way you describe your SIL.

Yes I agree the username is a bad (hasty) choice, particularly if she IS ill and I regret and apologise for it.

But what is it about the description? I'm just trying to give a succinct, accurate picture.

OP posts:

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 25/01/2016 14:45

Nobody is obliged to sacrifice themselves on the altar of a third party's mental health problems. Sometimes you have to save yourself.

I agree.

If your DH has firmly decided he does not want to engage further in order to get your SIL appropriate treatment, and the level of contact you currently have is causing him anxiety, then no contact is really all that is left.

Original poster

SILismad · 25/01/2016 14:47

Can family gather together and try to support SIL in seeing her GP? Sounds like she desperately needs a mental health referral

The other siblings are all older and quite dismissive of her.

Dawn some of what you've said is really chiming. I do feel uneasy.

OP posts:

WicksEnd · 25/01/2016 14:49

Your poor sil being ridiculed like that
She's obviously not well, if I received text messages like that from anyone, let alone family, I'd try to get them some help.
Your DH sounds cold and heartless.

Original poster

SILismad · 25/01/2016 14:49

Yes she does need help but it almost impossible to get the help if they don't consent. To have a section is so difficult.

I think one or two of the (long, long ago) episodes of her mother (now dead) and the family trying to help her might be along those lines from his description. But apparently she always has insisted she's fine and got very very angry.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 25/01/2016 14:49

I suppose the point at which you hear someone listing the (completely fictional) list of ways you are 'abusive' to the DH you love is the point as which the person starts to feel dangerous?

Do you have any understanding of delusions and mental health OP? If she is delusional then she will TRULY believe what she feels and is saying. So they wont be fictional to her. As it is people with mental health problems are more of a risk to themselves than other people.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 25/01/2016 14:50

She's ill that much is quite clear so a legal letter will serve no purpose and if anything will exacerbate the issue.

Does anyone in the family try and care? Sorry if that sounds harsh but it does sound like you have all written her off and would be quite happy if she disapeared never to be heard from again

Pilgit · 25/01/2016 14:50

I get that it's frustrating and you both have minimal mental energy left. However you are expecting her to be rational. She isn't and isn't going to be due to her illness. To her, her delusion is as real as your reality is to you. She needs help. Labelling her as crazy and mad and ignoring her is cruel.

Her family need to find some compassion and get her the help she needs and you all need to get yourself educated as to what is wrong with her. Then maybe she will get better and stop being an annoyance to your DH. And at least then you won't take her delusions quite so personallybut see the for what they are - a manifestation of her illness.

I have mental health problems myself and I am grateful every day that my family dealt with it with love and compassion and did not dismiss me as the crazy one.

aginghippy · 25/01/2016 14:52

I would do nothing. DH has told her he is severing contact. That's his decision to make and I can understand why.

Forget about the legal letter. Block her on both of your phones and email, so you don't have to see the stuff she is sending.

I doubt very much if the wider family can help her and from the sound of things they don't want to either. Which is a sad state of affairs, but not one that the op can fix.

Birdsgottafly · 25/01/2016 14:53

The 'Problem', isn't your SILs mood swings.

It's that her family have never gotten her adequate support, or even a diagnosis and formed a family plan, how best to help their disabled (which MH/PDs can be) and how to protect themselves.

I hope you and your children stay fit and healthy.

Original poster

SILismad · 25/01/2016 14:54

Your DH sounds cold and heartless.

You couldn't be more wrong. He is sweet and lovely and completely worn down.

He doesn't know how to handle it. He avoids all conflict, but conflict is what she seems to create.

So many times last year and the year before she has phoned and obsessively asked him if he's alone, if I'm there and if he's 'okay' (we couldn't figure out what it was about but played along) if he's been home, he's taken the dog out and talked to her. He works all over the world and has taken her calls demading to know if he's okay, even at the end of 15 hr work days he's patiently spoken to her.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 25/01/2016 14:55

Also cutting contact might be the best issue, useless, uninterested, uncaring relatives aren't what you need when you have a MH condition, she may then 'present' to others and be persuaded to get the help she needs.

Original poster

SILismad · 25/01/2016 14:57

aging and Birds that's just it, they DON'T see it or don't want to see it. Just this dismissive 'That's K for you' 'She's mad' shrug response.

That I see, anyway, they are a geogriaphically scattered family and I do not know them very well.

OP posts:

DawnOfTheDoggers · 25/01/2016 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pippistrelle · 25/01/2016 14:59

He doesn't sound cold and heartless to me. And it is incredibly difficult to get any sort of help for a mental health problem for someone who is not a danger to themselves or others, and who is not willing to engage with the process.

LaContessaDiPlump · 25/01/2016 15:00

How can you 'get' a relative with mental health problems help? How can you make them accept it? Even if you are an interested, concerned relative then that doesn't mean the person concerned wants to hear it

Don't discount the horrible effects of just being worn down by a family member over the years. Compassion fatigue is a real thing and it's very hard to get out of it.

Original poster

SILismad · 25/01/2016 15:01

It's not that I'm taking them personally Pig. More that doing nothing when such things are being said feels wrong.

I don't think anyone in the family would listen to my junior, outsiders perspective, no matter how much clarity I managed to get on her issues.

OP posts:

fleurdelacourt · 25/01/2016 15:03

OP - have family experience of bipolar and your SIL sounds v familiar to me :-(.

That said, if your dh and his family do not care sufficiently to help her get this diagnosed and treated, then I'm not sure what you can do. It does sound exhausting for you - and it must be completely devastating for her.

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