to send SIL a legal 'cease and desist' letter? (screenshots)

[SILismad]

Ever since I met DH, he has told me she is 'mad' and 'crazy' and I've heard his other siblings say the same but I didn't really understand what he meant until the last 12 months. She seemed a bit eccentric but I liked her and encouraged him to keep contact when he wasn't really in the mood to answer texts etc.

The problem is it seems to be cyclical (mood swings bordering on mania) and DH deals with it by going to ground and not responsing to contact. (He deals with all the family in the same way, in fact; They are a big family with several 'big' characters.) DH has had some work issues in the last two years and a lot of stress and he has become even less inclined to engage with her (just a dminished pot of mental energy, I think). The more he's withdrawn, the more she has pushed, suggesting about a dozen joint holidays in the last year, periodically texting incessantly, that kind of thing.

Which sets the scene for "THE PROBLEM"

Having had minimal (text only) response from him for a few months, it seems she took it into her head that he was dead and someone was impersonating him by text. Cue a flurry of weird texts and weepy voicemails asking if he was alive and who was texting her.

He got irritated with this and - after one phone call to show he was in fact alive - went back to text only mode and refused to budge from it.

All this has culminated this week in a further collection of texts and emails outlining an entire paranoid interpretation of the situation in which I am "abusing" him and preventing him from having contact with his family, am reading his texts etc.

This was all delivered on a very confident, said-as-fact, intervention type tone.

I think I've reached my breaking point with her.

DH has told her by text that he is now severing contact and has again refused to 'phone to confirm his continued survival and is FUMING (angrier than I've ever seen him), but she has sent further texts of the 'I'm here whan you need me' kind.

We're both exhausted and can't decide whether to follow up with a legal letter.

WWYD?

I would say more, but the person isn't a blood relative and I'm a bit wary of adding more detail. It's easy to talk about now that the person concerned is in a safe place and we don't need to worry any more. It has been awful for my inlaws in the past.

firesidechat - you sound like the only one here with actual experience of dealing with this. Others seem extremely ignorant of the reality

No I'm not 'ignorant of the reality' actually.

Maybe if some of you stopped getting so worked up over the poor woman's username and started seeing how genuinely caring she is being about a woman who is quite frankly ruining her life and driving her husband to despair, more could be achieved. Many people use the words 'mad' and 'crazy' without any intention of nastiness and all this bloody smoke-blowing about it doesn't help the situation at all. Just typical of some MN'ers to turn the OP into the problem.

Oh and the person concerned still doesn't think there's anything wrong with them after decades and decades. It's everyone else who has the problem.

Pond no she has no DC. This is probably also part of the issue. She doesn't really understand that DH is a family man now, I think (DH certainly thinks that). He probably was slightly more 'available' to her before DC and a wife and house renovations and domesticity.

I think DH needs a complete month off before we look at next steps but maybe man to man is worth a go.

What word would you claim to be acceptable Funinthesun?

Where I come from 'mad' can be both a term of endearment and a term referring to someone with mental health issues.

Is it more acceptable to you to describe her as 'psychotic'? 'Paranoid'? 'Delusional'? 'Not on this planet'?

The woman doesn't have a diagnosis.

Her family have always referred to her as 'mad'. Whether they meant mad as insane or mad as in unusual, who can tell. It can be used in both circumstances.

In your PC world, SILispossiblyMENTALLYUNWELL, may have been a better choice. But - what the fuck difference does it make when the OP and her husband are suffering, the SIL is suffering and NOBODY CAN DO ANYTHING!

Thank you Wilde fireside and flounce

hmmm sounds like you can actually do nothing about this situation she and her family wont admit she has a problem and there is no real mental health service avaliable for her anyway so.....

i disagree that a once a week call would solve this problem i think it won't be enough or she will go to something else or poor ops DH will be worn down by it all

fucking hell it's dispiriting and its not even my life my only advice is protect your little family disengage if that is what your DH wants he will know when he is strong enough to deal with it all again

WildeWoman

Stop shouting at me!

I'll treat you 'in your PC world' with the contempt it deserves.

As I have said previously you don't know anything about other posters circumstances.

I'm not shouting at you. I'm using ALLCAPS to express my frustration at A SYSTEM WHICH LEAVES VULNERABLE PEOPLE, LEAST PLACED TO DIAGNOSE THEMSELVES, IN AN ABSOLUTE VACUUM OF ACCESS TO HELP.

Not everything is about you.

Do you have any understanding of delusions and mental health OP? If she is delusional then she will TRULY believe what she feels and is saying. So they wont be fictional to her. As it is people with mental health problems are more of a risk to themselves than other people.

This is the thing, I don't know if it is something she truly believes. I can't get a good sense of that.

My understanding of MH isn't professional but if there IS a MH issue, then a personality disorder still seems as likely to me as something featuring true delusion.

She's clearly very intelligent, charming, personable and engaging. I think she comes across to many people as 'bubbly +++'. But she talks a lot and very fast which is quite striking.

Not everything is about you.

Never at any point have I said it was.

Also - I don't particularly care about your circumstances. I care about the situation I find myself in, the political and legislative situation emergency services find themselves in and the situation the OP finds herself in. Your contributions have been rather unconstructive to the discussion initiated by an OP asking for help.

Nobody is obliged to sacrifice themselves on the altar of a third party's mental health problems. Sometimes you have to save yourself.

^ From bitter personal experience, I agree wholeheartedly.

Like so many other posters said there isn't actually anything you can do to help her if she doesn't want help.

Your DH could offer to help his BIL, who sounds beaten down. He might accept help.

It occurred to me that perhaps BIL is checking out of the marriage, perhaps she has been abusing him, perhaps that's why SIL's episode is all based around spousal abuse. She's projecting it elsewhere.

OP - please don't try to diagnose. Only a psychiatrist can do that and then, only after intensive diagnostic sessions.
The guy I'm dealing with has absolutely NO idea that what he believes is not reality. FFS - he was born in 1979 and JFK was assasinated in the 60's, but he still believes he has a hit out on him because 'they could see into the future'.
It sounds to me, that your SIL truly believes that you are a wrong'un. Your husband's lack of interaction will feed that delusion. It just proves to her that she is correct. She will be incapable of seeing that his reaction to her is his and his alone.
I genuinely do not know what to do apart from to tell you to protect yourselves. Document it with a solicitor. As the police said to us, the NUMEROUS call-out reference numbers we have are not in any way evidence. They are merely reference numbers of them being called and them responding.

I'm glad to know that your DH is getting treatment. Hopefully, that includes counseling and that his sister's situation is one that he is speaking to his counselor about.

If he isn't getting counseling, I'd strongly suggest it.

Wilde, if I may suggest it, ALLCAPS is shouting internet-wise so to express frustration without alienating others you may want to consider using italics or bolding. Both are considered emphatic without being 'shouty'.

Also - I don't particularly care about your circumstances.

I could say I don't particularly care about yours either, however I'm not actually that mean.

It is actually a free board and people can post about what they like. You aren't to say who is and who isn't 'helpful'.

All I actually said was I didn't like the words used. I wasn't actually the only one to point it out either.

Also - I don't particularly care about your circumstances

Very harsh thing to say to another poster Wilde

You might yourself be under stress but no need for that.

Well it's not harsh humpty - because the poster in question has added nothing to the discussion apart from to disparage the OP, offer absolutely no suggestions as to a resolution of the situation and basically just insult all and sundry. So no - I don't particularly care about his/her circumstances as, A) I don't know what they (the circumstances) are and B) they are irrelevant to a specific discussion about a specific issue.

Op I would for all of your sakes compile all contact into a diary of dates and screenshots of texts. Keep a record for the day the police turn up- even if she does something relatively low level like ringing them and saying she's worried about your DHs whereabouts. This will potentially save you a lot of aggro - and as others have said it might even tip the balance and get her some help.

just insult all and sundry

No I haven't! Please don't exaggerate.

OP I do hope your SIL gets the help she needs. It can be a long and painful road.

I will leave the thread now.

I've not read the many replies you've had so far OP, but my db has mh issues and has harrassed my elderly parents and in the past my sister also; it is hard when faced with their delusions to remember that what is going on in their minds is real to them, and they are frightened. Hope your dh is OK, it can make other family members ill.

Db went to the GP himself and he persuaded him to go to hospital, but was sectioned when he attempted to leave. The good news is he has responded

I would phone the mental health charity MIND to ask for advice, there is a restraining order but I think that's only when there's verbal abuse/threat of physical abuse. Not sure about a legal letter, your sil might think it's part of the conspiracy and increase contact.

Could you write to her GP? If it gets to the point where she becomes delusional about somebody outside the family things may start being reported. Is there anybody close to her?

we had this with my SIL.

She's never been quite well mentally to be honest, always an air of fragility about her.

a few years after we helped get her away from an abusive ex we started getting phonecalls from her and they got increasingly more bizarre. she was convinced she was dying from mercury poisoning and that someone was trying to kill her.

we phoned some of dh's other siblings who lived nearby and while i don't know exactly what happened, she ended up being sectioned for about 6 months.

I would go and have a chat with your GP and have a serious conversation about what the options are here. Its obvious she needs help, and if everyone keeps burying their heads and being scared of her, including her DH, she is never going to have the opportunity to get better.

OP - please don't try to diagnose. Only a psychiatrist can do that and then,

You're right. The issue of whether she really believes I am abusing him or is saying it to manipulate is like an itch, though. It seems key to understanding.