to send SIL a legal 'cease and desist' letter? (screenshots)

[SILismad]

Ever since I met DH, he has told me she is 'mad' and 'crazy' and I've heard his other siblings say the same but I didn't really understand what he meant until the last 12 months. She seemed a bit eccentric but I liked her and encouraged him to keep contact when he wasn't really in the mood to answer texts etc.

The problem is it seems to be cyclical (mood swings bordering on mania) and DH deals with it by going to ground and not responsing to contact. (He deals with all the family in the same way, in fact; They are a big family with several 'big' characters.) DH has had some work issues in the last two years and a lot of stress and he has become even less inclined to engage with her (just a dminished pot of mental energy, I think). The more he's withdrawn, the more she has pushed, suggesting about a dozen joint holidays in the last year, periodically texting incessantly, that kind of thing.

Which sets the scene for "THE PROBLEM"

Having had minimal (text only) response from him for a few months, it seems she took it into her head that he was dead and someone was impersonating him by text. Cue a flurry of weird texts and weepy voicemails asking if he was alive and who was texting her.

He got irritated with this and - after one phone call to show he was in fact alive - went back to text only mode and refused to budge from it.

All this has culminated this week in a further collection of texts and emails outlining an entire paranoid interpretation of the situation in which I am "abusing" him and preventing him from having contact with his family, am reading his texts etc.

This was all delivered on a very confident, said-as-fact, intervention type tone.

I think I've reached my breaking point with her.

DH has told her by text that he is now severing contact and has again refused to 'phone to confirm his continued survival and is FUMING (angrier than I've ever seen him), but she has sent further texts of the 'I'm here whan you need me' kind.

We're both exhausted and can't decide whether to follow up with a legal letter.

WWYD?

It is helpful that there is such a consensus here that it is illness.

Does your sil acknowledge her illness at all? If not then good luck with getting her the help she needs. Mental health services are seriously overstretched and help is patchy at best. It's not as easy as phoning some healthcare professional and all will be well.

All those telling the op and her husband how selfish and uncaring they are would do well to back off a bit. It is almost impossible to deal in any way with someone in deteriorating mental health who thinks there is nothing wrong.

My husband and his siblings tried to get help for years and it's only when an outsider to the family was threatened that anything was done. They were totally ignored and it was a terrible time that leaves it's mark to this day.

I hope things improve for you op.

Honestly a legal letter will just make it worse. If you're not in a position to seek professional help for her then I would just leave it. As pp have pointed out she seems to have an undiagnosed mental health problem.

Does she have a job / partner?

What a very difficult situation.

I don't think a legal letter is the way to go. No doubt she would see it as further 'evidence' to fuel her delusions.

She has what sound like severe mental health problems. I understand the family has tried to engage with these, but is it worth sitting down with the other siblings and getting some advice from her GP (you can speak to them expressing concerns etc) and trying to come up with a plan? Are any of the siblings more involved than your DH? Would they know more about her day to day life?

Does your sil acknowledge her illness at all?

Not at all.

None of them do, but they must have felt differently in the dim and distance past because I'm told there were attempts to get her into a clinic and also attempts to talk to her, which all ended with her very angry and running or attacking.

She is in her mid-40s and this has a long history, back to her teens. I think the whole family are in denial now.

She has a lovely husband.

Could your DH speak to her husband in confidence do you think?

Actually op I've rethought my previous post. Just because we and lots of others didn't get help doesn't mean your sil's family won't. It may be worth seeing the gp and explaining the situation to them and seeing what they suggest. Are her parents alive? They may be the best ones to talk to someone.

My only other advice is to protect yourselves as well. We got an answer machine when the phone calls got too much and limited contact. The legal letter would be a bad idea as she is probably too ill to understand it and it will almost certainly make it worse.

If she won't admit she is ill then you have a rocky road ahead.

Yes, what does her husband think?

Your DH sounds exhausted. I do have huge sympathy for people experiencing serious mental health issues but also for the people who those issues impact on. It is draining and painful and often frightening, and it's very easy for people not in that situation to tell you you're uncaring and heartless and should do more.

I do think an effort should be made to request an assessment by the AMHPs in her area but unless she is currently a danger to herself or others (or wants to accept some help) nothing can be done. It's very difficult.

Your dh does not have to engage with her. It's his right not to. His wellbeing matters too.

I'm told she hasn't worked since the age of 30ish when she sustained a physical injury.

DH was probably the closest sibling to her socially and in age. She seems to be a bit cold shouldered by the older ones but I don't want to guess at why or to what extent or anything like that.

There were two 'batches' of siblings with a 15 year gap between siblings.

DH and K are the two surving siblings from the 3 younger ones (which doesn't help, I think, she's referenced the deceased sibling in the recent upset).

On many levels I feel hugely for her. She's obviously terrified of losing more people but she pushes them away.

You can't get someone to engage with help unless -they- want it. Sounds like the last times people have tried to help, she has actively and angrily rejected that help.

Forcing help on someone is the last resort and very difficult to swing. Appalling things can be done by someone who has severe MH issues but can present herself/himself well, and no one will interfere.

Silly question: Had your DH explained that he really is absolutely tired out and that he needs quiet and it would help if she contacted him only every so often? Sometimes saying it that bluntly can help someone who finds it hard to pick up on social cues.

Also is there -anyone- in her family who has a good relationship with her or cares? (Given that your husband has burned out now). Is it possible to talk this over with them, if there is someone? It might give you further ideas how to handle / help her.

If not then you -do- have to put your own family's health first in the end, if you're being driven to your knees by the stress. It would be a shame if it has to get to that, but you can send a Do Not Contact Us Again letter yes.

Yes, what does her husband think?

I don't think anybody knows what he thinks.

He's doggedly devoted to her, but there was a flare up of some sort between them last year and she accused him of DV (wanted sweet gentle DH to 'have words'_ and then it all settled down again. I have an extremely high opinion of that man.

The only person we could conceivably try to talk to (with any hope of anything) is her DH but he looks exhausted too and I can't imagine him saying anything that would displease her or doing anything to rock the boat.

The husband of the person I mentioned covered up for his wife too. It only came out when he died and left one awful mess.

Your username is offensive. How about you do something about that?
Why are you asking here? Its not your decision. DH wants to break contact. Just do that.
A huge scene here with a goady username changes nothing.

DH withdraws from scenes and conflicts. So let him get on with it.

Actually op I've rethought my previous post. Just because we and lots of others didn't get help doesn't mean your sil's family won't. It may be worth seeing the gp and explaining the situation to them and seeing what they suggest. Are her parents alive? They may be the best ones to talk to someone.

No, the worst part of this 9possibly) is that both parents are dead. I do know that she changes GP a lot and I know nothing about doctors up there or what have you. It is DH's hometown though. (She's the only one left there.) So he might have some idea. I don't know.

Yeh, yeh she's got the message by now.

Maybe talk to MIND or someone like that who might have some ideas for you. There are ways of helping without engaging with your sil. If it comes to nothing at least you've tried.

Nothing can be done unless she commits a crime.
This, I know, as I called the police at the weekend in similar circumstances.
They could clearly see that the individual was in the middle of a psychotic episode. But, they could not do anything while he was in his own house. If he was in a public place, they could intervene.
Apparently, they were to be given such powers, but Theresa May either took them off them or refused to give them such powers. Can't remember which.
Likewise, an ambulance could not intervene.

All that both they and an ambulance could do was to ask the individual whether they wished to receive medical attention. If they declined, there is nothing further to be done.

Clearly, the individual in question declined.

And just to state how serious the situation is, the individual spoke quite frankly to the police about how the KGB and the French mafia were going to kill him. And Bill Clinton appears to him in his bedroom. Sometimes he is invisible. Sometimes he phones him. Sometimes he sees his shadow. Tony Blair has a hit out on him for murdering JFK. And George Clooney paid the Moroccan security services to have him killed, because George Clooney thinks that this individual is going to kill all Jews. This is merely a snippet of his delusions and yet there is simply NOTHING we can do to get him help.

I genuinely feel sorry for you OP. It is bad enough to see someone suffer, but to feel so inadequate in terms of both protecting them, yourself and the general public is quite alarming.

Nothing can be done unless she commits a crime.

Agree with this. I didn't want to put too much on the internet, but that's our experience too.

I need to talk to DH again.

I'm actually quite taken me aback that so many of you are saying 'Yes she is clearly not well'

I felt a bit of a dissident for even thinking it.

But you've convinced me no letter.

obviously it wasn't the ambulance who could do nothing, but the paramedics lol.

as she seems to be progressing towards accusing you of doing something to her b, i'd let the police know about this harassment and the accusations in case she ends up putting the police on you.

It fact everything WildeWoman said is painfully familiar.

Oh Wilde

And fireside and Dawn and so many of you