to send SIL a legal 'cease and desist' letter? (screenshots)

[SILismad]

Ever since I met DH, he has told me she is 'mad' and 'crazy' and I've heard his other siblings say the same but I didn't really understand what he meant until the last 12 months. She seemed a bit eccentric but I liked her and encouraged him to keep contact when he wasn't really in the mood to answer texts etc.

The problem is it seems to be cyclical (mood swings bordering on mania) and DH deals with it by going to ground and not responsing to contact. (He deals with all the family in the same way, in fact; They are a big family with several 'big' characters.) DH has had some work issues in the last two years and a lot of stress and he has become even less inclined to engage with her (just a dminished pot of mental energy, I think). The more he's withdrawn, the more she has pushed, suggesting about a dozen joint holidays in the last year, periodically texting incessantly, that kind of thing.

Which sets the scene for "THE PROBLEM"

Having had minimal (text only) response from him for a few months, it seems she took it into her head that he was dead and someone was impersonating him by text. Cue a flurry of weird texts and weepy voicemails asking if he was alive and who was texting her.

He got irritated with this and - after one phone call to show he was in fact alive - went back to text only mode and refused to budge from it.

All this has culminated this week in a further collection of texts and emails outlining an entire paranoid interpretation of the situation in which I am "abusing" him and preventing him from having contact with his family, am reading his texts etc.

This was all delivered on a very confident, said-as-fact, intervention type tone.

I think I've reached my breaking point with her.

DH has told her by text that he is now severing contact and has again refused to 'phone to confirm his continued survival and is FUMING (angrier than I've ever seen him), but she has sent further texts of the 'I'm here whan you need me' kind.

We're both exhausted and can't decide whether to follow up with a legal letter.

WWYD?

I really feel for you OP. I think it's really SIL'S DH who needs to deal with this, but whether he can /will is another matter.

If your DH has a good relationship with him I'd be tempted to ask him to discourage this delusion/tactic and discourage calls as much as possible. It's a lot to put on him and may not work...but could it start a dialogue maybe if done sensitively?

Look, she has a husband who clearly loves and supports her. She is not alone and destitute. She clearly has mental health issues, including paranoia. Just leave it. If you just ignore the messages, the mood will leave her after a while. Do not engage with the contents of someone else's mind. Unfortunately people with these low level personality disorders rarely seek help, as they don't believe there is anything wrong with them. They usually just think that 'you are doing this me' and 'you are the cause of my problems'. This blaming shifts around from person to person. They are so caught up in their own thoughts and feelings that they don't notice their behaviour.
I agree that what is needed most is for your DH to get counselling to support him in dealing with her. She's his sister.
You stay out of it. And try not to keep bringing up the subject of her with your DH. Like don't seek to discuss her and analyse her issues. Really, it's a mood swing and it doesn't deserve air time. I also advice against going 'behind her back' to her husband. This will put him in an awkward position and if she found out that would very damaging for her and exacerbate the issue. If the husband wants help he would be asking for it.

Understanding whether she believes it or not isn't going to help you much is it? There's F all you can do either way.

Spend your mental energy on your immediate family who you can actually help.

Just came to post pretty much what Rabbit just said.

Why she's doing it really isn't important in the long run because understanding why isn't going to help her. And she's the one who needs help.

Concentrate on taking care of yourself and your DH. That's really all you can do.

That makes sense sadie.

I hope I am left out of it from now on.

The irony is that there (possibly) is no way to contact BIL without K knowing anyway. But that's up to DH.

Understanding whether she believes it or not isn't going to help you much is it? There's F all you can do either way.

It would help me, actually. (We're bound to come face to face sooner or later unless DH wants to boycott all family events forever and it would help.) But I have to accept I probably won't know.

There's probably also an element for me, that it's the worst thing someone could say because my first marriage was abusive. But that is also beside the point in real terms.

It's just hard.

op , your dh and you are not psychiatrists or therapists or counsellors etc. You need to protect your family before she escalates. If you have call display on your phone , you do not have to pick it up or you cd put it on loudspeaker and continue to do others things while she rants. Make a plan with all household members not to pick up the phone until the # is checked and a decision is made as to whether this is a time that you are willing to listen to her. She does not make that decision -you do. Her h sounds like he is sucked into her drama. You know you do not want any part of it so distance yourselves as much as possible. Keep a record for sure ,but it is always better to be the first to report as she may be very persuasive and you will be at a disadvantage. You are the ones being harassed ; she is the harasser. Also as with the phone, do not automatically answer the door. She has threatened to turn up and it wd be better to set up precautions for that eventuality. If you have already made a police report re this and other threats, if she turns up, call the police and give them the # they will give you. They will respond and remove her. The rest of the family is not interested in protecting you, op.

If she is losing a grip on reality, then she is experiencing psychosis and urgently needs support.

A letter, or even a police caution isn't going to help as she doesn't have the capacity at present.

Her husband isn't responsible for her. Somebody must see to it that she is assessed. If you don't know her GP then contact her local hospital trust switchboard with your concerns.

OP you know it's perfectly acceptable to put the phone down on her right? I have two friends who are terrible at getting off the phone and just don't understand that we need to stop talking (one is diagnosed bipolar). You have a set time you're happy to talk and then you tell them you need to go. Invariably they don't shut up and you say it again. Then just put the phone down. give it ten mins or so and then text an excuse "Sorry, battery died. Talk to you in a couple of weeks." or similar.

Stairbears - have you read any of the posts where we have stated that unless she wants help, it is utterly pointless asking anyone to intervene?
Or do you believe we're making this shit up?

hugs OP. dealing with mentally ill relatives can be very challenging. (speaking as someone who tried, and failed, to get a relative accessed).

+1 to the wildewoman's post. it's actually really fucking difficult to help someone who is mentally ill who does not acknowledge they are

*assessed

*in my case, they had to actually be violent to be assessed. fucking great.

A psychotic individual can be sectioned under the mental health act. She doesn't have to comply. But anyone who cares about this lady should be talking to healthcare professionals.

Sorry, should have phrased that better as a suspected 'acute episode of psychosis', rather than calling her psychotic

Somebody should at least fucking try!

exactly what we have been told lastuseraccount123.

Even though a man can tell police that Bill Clinton appears to him; once that man expresses no desire to cause harm to himself or anyone else - off he goes. And there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do.

I don't know whether they have decided that people have a right to seek treatment or something. I am not English. I have heard of Theresa May, but I know fuck all about her.

I can not see the logic behind it. If you're delusional, you're not in a position to KNOW that you're delusional!!!!!

I was promised screenshots. :(

For all those still saying that the op and her husband need to sort this out and get help for her, there are really only 2 routes to getting that help. 1) she realises that she is ill and gets help herself or 2) she does something spectacular and gets herself sectioned. That's about it.

This.

Some people on here seem to have a very unrealistic view of current mental health provision.

There is a very, very limited amount you can do if someone 1) Doesn't think they have a problem. 2) Doesn't wish to get help.

OP - the advice you've had upthread to disengage is very sensible in the circumstances.

Why on earth would I think anyone is lying? Family members work on acute wards where patients have been sectioned against their will. Some violent, some not, some suicidal, some delusional. Or am I lying now? The OP should at least try again to seek some professional advice.

Wheelie he sort of does that (will invent appointments, say there was a tunnel, get me to call the other phone to give him an 'out') and I have done sometimes. It doesn't work - she starts calling back. His mobile he uses for work and won't turn off. All calls are ALWAYS followed up with more 'I just had another thought about that thing' calls minutes later and flocks of text. If she can't get through on one phone she tries all the numbers she has for us. We need all new numbers really, if DH is serious. He gets very stressed just hearing the text alert sound.

amarmi you make a lot of sense. There is already a special distinctive ring tone assigned to all her known numbers on the home phones and obviously caller ID on the mobiles. Recently she has acquired a couple of extra mobiles and started withholding her number. I missed a call from the school before christmas because we've stoppped answering 'withhelds' and 'unknowns'. I feel tired recounting all of that

I've been looking at doorbell intercoms online.

I will think about the police thing.

Please stop arguing. I didn't mean to cause a bunfight. It's such an emotive, difficult subject.

So you're all saying that the op is powerless as it's definitely 100% impossible to get her sectioned?