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AIBU?

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Original poster

to send SIL a legal 'cease and desist' letter? (screenshots)

194 replies

SILismad · 25/01/2016 14:25

Ever since I met DH, he has told me she is 'mad' and 'crazy' and I've heard his other siblings say the same but I didn't really understand what he meant until the last 12 months. She seemed a bit eccentric but I liked her and encouraged him to keep contact when he wasn't really in the mood to answer texts etc.

The problem is it seems to be cyclical (mood swings bordering on mania) and DH deals with it by going to ground and not responsing to contact. (He deals with all the family in the same way, in fact; They are a big family with several 'big' characters.) DH has had some work issues in the last two years and a lot of stress and he has become even less inclined to engage with her (just a dminished pot of mental energy, I think). The more he's withdrawn, the more she has pushed, suggesting about a dozen joint holidays in the last year, periodically texting incessantly, that kind of thing.

Which sets the scene for "THE PROBLEM"

Having had minimal (text only) response from him for a few months, it seems she took it into her head that he was dead and someone was impersonating him by text. Cue a flurry of weird texts and weepy voicemails asking if he was alive and who was texting her.

He got irritated with this and - after one phone call to show he was in fact alive - went back to text only mode and refused to budge from it.

All this has culminated this week in a further collection of texts and emails outlining an entire paranoid interpretation of the situation in which I am "abusing" him and preventing him from having contact with his family, am reading his texts etc.

This was all delivered on a very confident, said-as-fact, intervention type tone.

I think I've reached my breaking point with her.

DH has told her by text that he is now severing contact and has again refused to 'phone to confirm his continued survival and is FUMING (angrier than I've ever seen him), but she has sent further texts of the 'I'm here whan you need me' kind.

We're both exhausted and can't decide whether to follow up with a legal letter.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
SILismad · 25/01/2016 15:29

as she seems to be progressing towards accusing you of doing something to her b, i'd let the police know about this harassment and the accusations in case she ends up putting the police on you.

That was the original kind of line of thought about the letter. A self-protection measure. Getting something on record.

OP posts:
TrashFan · 25/01/2016 15:34

I really feel for all of you - you, your husband and your sister-in-law. I know you are all exhausted but until you all face it to some degree this cycle will not end. Perhaps just you and your husband could see a psychologist to talk things through. Its vital that you all support each other, as its too exhausting for one person alone and you all sound like your heart is in the right place. I know what it is to be drained by such things.

bobbywash · 25/01/2016 15:34

I too have sympathy for your situation. Yes she is ill, no there is very little yo can do. My DP's sister is bipolar and has tried to kill herself. The MH services did nothing. We just wait for the next crises wade in and then wait for the next. If your SIL will not seek help there is virtually nothing you can do. If it is affecting your DP's health then no contact may be the only way to go.

WildeWoman · 25/01/2016 15:34

firesidechat - the police were utterly and totally frustrated. They could see and hear very clearly that he was extremely unwell, but according to both of them, they have absolutely no powers. They didn't hold back in voicing their annoyance about the situation they are in either. Their only advice to us was to protect ourselves and to immediately call 999 in the event of an emergency.

OP - to an extent, you need to protect yourself from false allegations. You need to accept that your hands are tied in terms of accessing help for her, despite your realisation that she may be extremely unwell. She may start bringing her own allegations to police. I would speak to a solicitor, even if you don't have a letter sent, and keep a full record of all correspondence from her.

Valentine2 · 25/01/2016 15:35

Is it possible for any of his other family members to try and help her get treatment? She does sound like she needs help and professional one at that.

WildeWoman · 25/01/2016 15:36

Apols - last post crossed with a few. Yes, don't feel cold hearted about protecting yourself.

aginghippy · 25/01/2016 15:36

If she did go to the police accusing you of doing something, then you and dh could tell the police that it wasn't true and explain the background.

I would say, cross that bridge when you come to it.

WildeWoman · 25/01/2016 15:37

Valentine - unless she herself realises that she is ill, it is impossible (until she does something), to access help on her behalf.

I would love if someone could state otherwise, but that is quite simply the situation.

aginghippy · 25/01/2016 15:38

And what TrashFan said.

Viviennemary · 25/01/2016 15:41

I certainly don't think the legal route is the right way to go. She certainly has very severe mental health problems to do this. I think it's highly unlikely it is being done out of pure spite. It's only texts and phonecalls. She isn't arriving at your house and causing problems. Tell your DH to give her a ring.

Original poster
SILismad · 25/01/2016 15:48

I'm just reading back through more slowly.

Silly question: Had your DH explained that he really is absolutely tired out and that he needs quiet and it would help if she contacted him only every so often? Sometimes saying it that bluntly can help someone who finds it hard to pick up on social cues.

He's tried. She doesn't hear what she doesn't want to hear. It doesn't help that he is a contractor, works very variable and long hours and is frequently in different time zones, though.

Once she's on the phone, it's impossible to get away and it takes about two hours for her to talk herself out.

We've only been married for 5 years, but since I've known er I've tried to act as a 'lightening rod' by answering calls from her every couple of weeks and not limiting the length of those calls ( i work from a home office).

But nothing is enough. She wants long conversations all the time at inconvenient times. She finds expensive holidays for the four of us to go on and badgers away about them. Hints don't work,subtlety doesn't work, bald 'I have to go now' 'No I'm working that week and it's too expensive anyway' doesn't work.

It feels quite smothering. DH obviously feels especially smothered.

OP posts:
Original poster
SILismad · 25/01/2016 15:50

She did threaten to just travel four hours and arrive on our doorstep Vivienne but hasn't done it yet.

I doubt DH will call her. He was looking so cowed in the end taking her calls , that I'm not sure it will help anyway. He puts his head in his hands and gets very robotic with her now.

OP posts:
Corygal1 · 25/01/2016 15:51

She's ill. Very ill.

I'm a bit stunned at your 'get rid of the loony' attitude, which makes you sound cruel and stupid. But I don't think you mean it - you just want to sort out the problems. And there is your real difficulty - SIL's DH is the man to do it, not you. Can you talk to him?

Original poster
SILismad · 25/01/2016 15:51

If she did go to the police accusing you of doing something, then you and dh could tell the police that it wasn't true and explain the background.

I would say, cross that bridge when you come to it.

Yes that sounds wise. We've saved the texts and voicemail anyway.

OP posts:
MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 25/01/2016 15:52

Sometimes, police involvement can be a way of getting mental health professionals involved. For example, if she were arrested for harassment (unlikely, if her only act is sending you letters, but still) and the police realised there was a mental health issue or it manifested itself in violence towards police.

For that reason alone, a complaint to police asking them to consider sending her a harassment notice (of no legal standing, but it gets SIL on their radar) might be worth considering.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/01/2016 15:53

There's nothing you nor anyone else can do until she is a danger to herself and/or others or commits a crime. You could try one last ditch attempt at talking to her DH about getting her help but if that does nothing then I think you're justified in blocking her number. If it gets to that, let her DH know you are blocking her but ask that he let you know (email? text?) if she ever seeks treatment, is hospitalized, or if their marriage breaks down to the point where he is leaving. Does she have young children? Might SS be interested in their homelife?

If she were all alone in the world I would probably feel differently, but you indicate that she has her DH to look out for her.

WildeWoman · 25/01/2016 15:58

Cory - not even the SIL's DH can do it!

Please do not tell the OP that she sounds cruel and stupid.

Amid all of the above delusions that I have quoted in my situation, I also have to put up with constant verbal abuse.

Whore
Stupid bitch
Racist
Shut up fucking bitch.
Fuck off
Ugly piece of meat
Cunt
Putain
etc. etc. etc.

And I have absolutely zero familial relation to this man!

The OP is not ignorant. Posters are ignorant if they think one phonecall can solve this. IT CAN'T!

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 25/01/2016 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pandarific · 25/01/2016 15:59

Flowers OP. I had a thread a while back about my sister which chimes a bit with yours.

The most helpful replies I got were the ones which essentially said if she and the rest of the family won't admit there's a problem, or seek any help or even a diagnosis, then all you can do is protect yourself and your loved ones.

In my own case when I suggested possible diagnoses for my sister my mother completely discounted everything I said, and got very very angry with me for 'insulting' my sister and my uncle (I was pointing out similar familial traits).

I still get down about it, but at least I tried. Now I just disengage.

Flowers again. Try a family conference with the others and see what the options are.

firesidechat · 25/01/2016 16:00

For all those still saying that the op and her husband need to sort this out and get help for her, there are really only 2 routes to getting that help. 1) she realises that she is ill and gets help herself or 2) she does something spectacular and gets herself sectioned. That's about it.

Funinthesun15 · 25/01/2016 16:01

The OP is not ignorant

Although they have appologised for it, but the OP has chosen a very offensive user name and called her SIL 'mad' and 'crazy'

Original poster
SILismad · 25/01/2016 16:05

I'm a bit stunned at your 'get rid of the loony' attitude, which makes you sound cruel and stupid. But I don't think you mean it - you just want to sort out the problems. And there is your real difficulty - SIL's DH is the man to do it, not you. Can you talk to him?

No I didn't mean it like that at all. I (we) just don't know WHAT to do.

This thread is the first acknowledgement that I've had from anyone that something is really 'wrong'. It's all a huge elephant in the room. There was a family wedding a few years ago where a beach picnic in a gale (in N england) was part of the build up. SIL spilt coffee on herself and couldn't find a cloth so she just ran into the sea fully clothed until the water reached her waist. Everyone sat in their zipped cagoules and carried on chatting and pouring their tea. DH got up and walked off. I smiled and made a joke about that being an efficient solution (so British) and her DH snapped that it was very sensible; she spilt coffee, she washed it off (habit of defending her I think) so I sort of agreed and carried on smiling and he realised I was more stunned than criticising and she waded back out and he took her to dry off.

That incident keeps coming back to me as symbolic of the whole dynamic. I found it very confusing.

DH really is quite fragile, recently and I do need to look after him first and foremost ( he is getting treatment for his issues) and keep a calm atmosphere for the DC.

OP posts:
WildeWoman · 25/01/2016 16:06

firesidechat - you sound like the only one here with actual experience of dealing with this. Others seem extremely ignorant of the reality.

Funny really, that the ones calling 'ignorant' are the most ignorant of what help is available.

firesidechat · 25/01/2016 16:06

Give it a break! The op has bigger problems without getting pounced on by mn posters. Yes she could have expressed herself a bit more sensitively, but she and her husband are in the middle of something most people can only imagine. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. If you have a broken bone there's immediate help, but a broken mind is frequently brushed under the carpet.

Original poster
SILismad · 25/01/2016 16:08

and called her SIL 'mad' and 'crazy'

No that's DH about his sister. I think they all just have thick skin now and mechanisms, if you like.

I'll see if HQ can change my NC NN.

OP posts: