To be so upset at my DS 4's school

[MrsBB1982]

So please bear with me. I think some background is useful.

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He's not a natural 'concentrator'. Academically he's above average but just struggles to sit down for any length of time. His school already expect him to sit down for classes the whole day...double maths then double english then double geography for example.

We've been told his behaviour an issue. He got sent to the headmaster on Thursday and Friday. His form teacher wasn't with him so it was just him and the head.

Since then he keeps saying 'I might have to leave the school and me er see my friends again'. He's now becoming g withdrawn and doesn't want to go to school

He's a loving, kind and sweet natured lad. He's born at the end of August so very young in his class. DH and I know he's not perfect. Like I said concentration has always been an issue although he can finish tasks. He's a fidgety energetic lad. He can be hot headed and we describe him as a 'reactor' in that he tends to react to a situation before thinking through.

If you're still with me! My question is AIBU in thinking going to the headmaster two days in a row for poor concentration/fidgeting/talking (confirmed as the reason by his teacher ) on his own an being threatened with having to leave the school is heavy handed. He's not been lashing out or anything physical.

We haven't been consulted about this. We only know because DS mentioned it. Or does he really have a problem?

Private schools are very good at selling themselves esp class size etc, and are excellent at sowing seeds of fear regarding state schools. My eldest two went to a small, in retrospect very old fashioned prep school. Dd1 was fine, a well behaved, happily average child, but dd2 was never very happy despite being a sunny natured child. Parents' evening was a nightmare, from reception onwards, with warnings that she needed to buckle down and not play. This culminated in the Y1 teacher telling me she was "lazy and wilful" . By this stage dd2's nails were bitten right down, and she had a tummy ache every morning.

I visited our local state primary and was amazed by it, happy children, happy staff. We moved her, and sent dd3 started reception there at the same time. The change was immediate, she came out on her first day with a broad grin saying she had the "loveliest teacher in the world". Loveliest Teacher said she'd either been badly taught or had a problem, or a bit of both. Turned out she was dyslexic, and she got lots of support and loved that school, never had another tummy ache and never bit her nails again.

Dd 3 turned out to be very academic and was well taught at her level and ds, the youngest, went as well and was diagnosed with dyslexia in the spring term of reception and then supported through the rest of his time there.

So what I'm saying in a very long winded way is that a good state school is an excellent place. The teachers are well trained and know how to manage a class of thirty, and accept that all children are different and have differing needs.

If I were you op I'd remove my son and find a new school for him. I'm not sure I'd remove him till September as the experience of a good reception class may help him with the transition to y1 in September.

Happy nurturing state school Reception classes don't have to happen in villages.

DS was in Reception in a S London inner-city area, and we couldn't have been happier. Reception had their own playground, there was one class teacher and two TAs in the class, a happy family atmosphere, and good play-based learning.

Visit some schools during the school day, talk to parents in your area.

"we describe him as a 'reactor' in that he tends to react to a situation before thinking through.". He isn't 'a reactor' - he is 4. Have a peek at some threads by parents of boys 10 years older - they STILL can't think things through. Development takes time.

DH and I have been chatting loads and all the posts on here have really helped. We cannot keep sending him to that school. Maybe he does have an issue like dyslexia (very strong history on both sides of the family including DH).

My heart broke sending him in today. He just looked so deflated, which is so unlike him. He's normally a cheerful little lad.

Rung around schools but no joy in our area. Luckily I think his old nursery will have him back. Only issue is its tiny and all age groups are together. What's people's thoughts on this? He's already being teased for being 'a baby' and he's quite sensitive about this. We worry that going back there with all the youngsters including his little sister will add to his feelings of being 'a baby'. However it's the only place that can take him at such short notice

Also spoke to his form teacher and she was lovely. Especially when I burst into tears. She sent her 3 kids to different schools as they had different personalities. Says her youngest was like DS and would not have thrived in that environment. She said 'as a mother I'd move him' but equally said she'd do everything she could to help him if we decided to keep him there

I would ask him.
Say he has been doing very well at his school and you are very proud of him, but you want him to be in a school where he feels happy, so if he likes he can go back to his nursery.

Then which ever he chooses he feels empowered, and he may even feel better about his school if he has pro-actively chosen it, iyswim.

Blu that's exactly what we were thinking. Despite the vibe from school he can actually be very mature about some stuff. We are dithering about how much information to give him. We definitely wasn't him out of the school asap but want to do it in such a way that he doesn't feel it's a punishment

Wise words from MN very much needed now!!

Have you spoke to local councils about spaces...I also would get him on the waiting list for every local school... you don't have to send him to any...

I agree maybe ask him what he wants...My DS once said to me .. when I was in reception I wanted to be in nursery, When I was in year 1 I wanted to be in reception and now I am in year 2 I want to be in year 1... He may really like to go back to a familiar place and recharge his batteries..They should still be working through the EYFS with him.

Wtf does he do in double Geography?

Do private schools not have to follow EYFS?

They do nanny0gg - it might be worth OP's while to dig out & read the school's latest ISI report (Independent School's Inspectorate) as there will be a section on the EYFS dept.

Oh my god! He's 4 - that kind of timetable is ridiculous. I too have a 'summer baby' son in year 2 now. His Reception year consisted of play, play and more play! Unrestricted access to the outside area, and absolutely no set timetable (other than lunchtime & assembly) nor even set places at desks. Get him out, into a normal state school having fun all day and therefore developing a positive attitude towards being at school (understand your concerns totally as a Mum of the baby in the class who also has the attention span of a goldfish even now). Save the money you're currently paying in school fees for when he's older and will actually gain some benefit ... Just my opinion obviously, but sometimes looking at it from the outside its easier to evaluate. When you're 'in' the situation it's so hard to know what to do for the best :(

Be honest with him. Say you think the school is too strict, they are too shouty and the learning is not fun enough. Ask him if he wants to go there and if he says no tell him you'llet him go to nursery to have a fun time and at till you find a school where they know how to make learning fun.

You might think he's mature but he is only four still - there is a limit on how mature a four year old can be tbh. Tell him something simple and just make it clear that it is not his fault.

Echoing everyone who has said have you rung admissions at your LEA? They are usually very helpful.

Yes, good to offer him some choice in the matter. If he feels that you are "on his side" and that it is temporary, then perhaps leaving him a little longer is not the end of the world while you get something else sorted, even if that is tied in with the job move in a few months.

Or consider a nanny who may be able to take him to homeschool type group settings?

If you get on waiting lists for everything now (school, preschools etc.) then you've taken some steps and things often fall into place quite quickly.

I would also personally be asking for a meeting with the Head, which I'm not sure you've done yet? It probably is the wrong school for your boy, but I would want my say if I was paying money for this awful treatment.

Looks like I posted without being up to date with where you are in the thought process. So pleased you're going to move him. Sounds like the teacher is lovely though - you may be pleasantly surprised at how quickly a place comes up, & it may just feel better for all of you that you've taken the steps to resolve it. Good luck.

My DS struggled in Reception, it seemed like every single day the teacher would call me over at pick up time for "a quiet word". My son couldn't sit still, wanted to move around and chatter and touch stuff and basically be 4 years old.

The school wasn't expecting the children to be quiet and sit still all day, but at the same time they failed to allow for any children that weren't able to cope with prolonged 'circle time' and sitting quietly in the library reading books. Most children got the star of the week award a couple of times - my son was given it once and then repeatedly told he wasn't being good enough to get it again

Fast forward, we fortunately moved areas for my husbands work. He is now in Year 3 and has made great progress at a different school which immediately sensed he needed a bit of help with some aspects of his behaviour - they approached him and me in a completely different way to the previous school. No judging, no telling off, just support and understanding and the attitude of "what can we all do together to help get the best from your son?"

They have suggested he may have some elements of dyspraxia and are happy to help us however they can. I am so glad we chose this school for my DS and still get furious when I think of my son's horrible first year in Reception.

4 is very young and all they should really be doing at school is playing happily and possible learning stuff almost by accident Do what feels right for your lovely little boy. Good luck to you hugs

Sorry, that should be [hugs]

Don't say ' 'back' to your nursery' say 'to your nursery again' I know it sounds pedantic but I would be really sensitive about how you phrase it. Could you have him at home until you find somewhere more suitable?

I personally would take Tangerine's approach exactly. Hopefully the explanation will work for him that other, more fun and exciting schools don't have room for him right now, but will do later on, and in the meantime he can go to nursery and have lots of fun.

I doubt you need another voice but your DS sounds entirely normal. The school does not. I'd be in tears too as it's so hard when school doesn't go well - but don't beat yourself up. You made a judgement in good faith and it hasn't worked out, and you're remedying it. Your plan sounds great to me.

god, please put him back in nursery where he can relax.

Do you know that in other EU countries - children don't start sitting down and reading and writing until they are SIX!

these countries do better than us at educating their children! Children who don't start formal learning until six pick up reading and writing absolutely fine.

It actually makes me feel sick that parents start to think their children have 'learning difficulties' because they can't 'concentrate' at 4 years old. what a horrific school to make you think that.

That timetable sounds horrendous for a little 4 year old! So intense. I thought at that age they are in the EYFS still, not at GCSE level!

The approach suggested by tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit is absolutely spot on. The only other question you might get is about his friends. (Don't forget that the Head has already threatened him with losing his friends.) Have some answers ready: playdates, meeting in the park - don't just focus on making NEW friends. He must feel empowered and that he is not being punished (or that you and DH are somehow in cahoots with the Head).

Learning through play is essential at age 4yrs. As an Ofsted inspector, I wouldn't mind that Geography is 'timetabled' - but HOW it is delivered would be my focus in evaluating the suitability of teaching and learning styles in the school. Such young children sitting at a desk throughout would lead me to award a 'fail' grade. Flexibility for individual children in a learning environment is a must.

When I first started teaching reception/primary, I always wore big, flowing skirts so any children who were feeling challenged or under-the-weather could hold on to my skirt as I moved around the room getting other groups started on their work. One by one they would release themselves from my skirt and join in with a group who were happy and confident whilst learning through play. (I was teaching classes of 30-36 without a TA and I would have failed in my duty of care, teaching and learning if I had bullied or threatened them into submission to sit on a chair).

Your DS WILL have to have some level of concentration to learn phonics and numbers - but again, that should still be a fun learning activity. It should be delivered in 'spurts' of 20-30 minutes (often repetitive throughout the day to consolidate) and not via 'double blocks' of timetabling. Conditioning children to be compliant, afraid and anxious is not a learning environment I would place my child in voluntarily.

You mentioned 'other teachers'. I suspect that the private school is bringing in P/T teachers and then crushing all the classes into a 1 day employment contract. A good reception teacher will be able to deliver the entire curriculum with only ENRICHMENT offered by other teachers e.g. music, PE/Dance.

Finally, don't assume that your nearest village school - within your local Authority - will not accept your DS. There is no such thing as a 'catchment area'. Although there are 'zones', a village school can take a child from out-of-zone if there is an available place in that year. That often means the difference between a village school staying open or not. The only problem could be if the village school has already re-confirmed their NUMBER ON ROLL with the Department of Education and Skills. That re-confirmation in Jan/Feb is what the school's funding grant is based on.

And yy to tangerines approach

It isn't such a bad thing having large classes - plenty of people to mix with, usually lots of motherly TAs around to help.