To not want to date this guy?

[Destinysdaughter]

I had a blind date tonight with a guy who seemed really nice online and he turned up to the pub and he was in a wheelchair! He hadn't mentioned his disability before so I was a bit taken aback by it. He was nice but don't think I want to date someone in a wheelchair. Does that make me a v shallow person? He broke his back in a motorbike accident when he was 30, is 50 now. He was nice company but I do feel annoyed that he didn't mention this at all before we met. I feel bad about not wanting to meet him again, I'd be happy to see him again as a friend but as sex would be impossible, I don't see it being a relationship. What would you do?

Superman none of those things would put me off someone if I liked them as a person. Do people genuinely think like that?
Except maybe being a right winger but that is having a completely different set of values to me. I would still talk to and get to know the person but if they were ultimately a selfish person I wouldn't like them. That is not superficial however. The rest of your list would have no bearing on whether I liked a person.

I think they do itsbetter. Obviously everyone is different and certainly there are those who have utterly ridiculous expectations. Bit then OLD facilities that level of pickiness because of the way it is set up IMO
I was ditched because I had two kids (one would have been ok apparently )where I lived and the best one, I wasn't 'sophisticated' enough (something to do with opera, art galleries and wearing dresses)
In an ideal world it would be like the film Shallow Hal.
I suppose OLD is a bit like a shopping list in some respects. Plus it is a case of one thing that someone may not like and it's 'Next'

Oh, and I did just pick out a bunch of random attributes based on a thread that was on here a while back

Cannot imagine he would be on a swinging site if he's not up for having sex...which probably means he's perfectly capable in that department. To start making assumptions is pretty daft and yabu.

and....if you met on a swinging site and are looking for physical fun couldn't you just ask him about sex and what he's up for?

He might have functioning use of his penis, but perhaps requires his partners to "do all the work"? That would turn me off tbh. Call me what you like.

The issue here isn't necessarily the fact that someone might not want to date someone with a disability. The issue is that there seems to be an expectation that the disabled somehow have a responsibility to declare that disability up-front in case the non-disabled might find it uncomfortable/so they can choose not to be associated with that person. But actually, anyone's discomfort over a disability is their responsibility not that of the disabled person.

If you choose not to date disabled people then that is your prerogative. However, if you make those kinds of choices then it is up to you to own them, not the disabled person for being blamed for not declaring their disability up-front.

And the ultimate realisation here is that you have a choice whether to date a disabled person. The disabled person didn't have a choice over whether to be disabled or not.

Reality is that society doesn't want to see able bodied people dating the disabled as normal. Programmes like the undatables on channel4 exist to emphasise that fact. Should either of the two people with facial disfigurements have to make that clear up-front in case someone doesn't want to date them? Obviously they should, otherwise they wouldn't have to go on programmes the title of which confirms that nobody actually wants them.

Apart from the swingers aspect of it, this exact scenario was on First Dates this week. Only it was the girl in the wheelchair meeting her blind date (with a great outcome).

Just saying ....

Totally agree wannaBe!

I wonder what the guy thought she should have declared?

I think he's had a lucky escape.
He probably did t mention it as didn't want to be pre judged. Sounds like if he'd told you, you wouldn't have gone.
Don't see him again. Let him find someone who is a nicer person than you.

He'd have been even luckier not to have wasted any of his or the op's time.

I have physical attributes that would rule me out as a romantic or sexual partner for plenty of men. Why would I waste time by not mentioning that I'm 6 feet tall?

Mutton
2 of my close friends are over 6 feet tall and don't put that on dating sites unless it asks specific height. They wouldn't even think to tbh. It's not pertinent when describing yourself.

Take away the wheelchair - was his personality interesting?

I would volunteer my height because I am unusually tall and I understand some men would rather date a shorter woman. There's nothing wrong with that. They're not even being shallow. Why waste time?

I tell you what.... I don't think men apologise for this either. They will say "too tall" or "too fat" or whatever and not worry about whether that makes them a bad person. They feel entitled to their idea of beauty and make no apologies.

I think women tend to feel obligated to make other people happy. Fuck that.

Not dating someone in a wheelchair is superficial. HOWEVER, I think that most of us ARE superficial. Everyone has things that they just don't find attractive, whether its obesity, a wheelchair, baldness, whatever. I'm sure the guy in the wheelchair also has turn-offs - he would maybe have turned his nose up at the OP if she had been obese.

With online dating, I think the best thing is to post a full-length, honest picture of yourself as well as a recent close up. People are going to see you as you are when they meet you in person, so why hide it? I've done online dating btw, and I'm not obese but quite chubby and have always put a full-length photo in my profile. No point someone expecting Elle MacPherson and then getting me.

Mutton I don't think men doing it is acceptable either..
It is superficial to dictate height. To want to be larger than your female partner so you feel powerful is pretty superficial and offensive.

I agree that the dating process is very superficial, especially at the beginning. So it's not dreadful to be thrown by a wheelchair/ Can't comment on the swinging side of it - I have no frame of reference for that at all .

Should he have 'warned' you? No, I don't think so, speaking as someone who spent years in a wheelchair.

When you're in a wheelchair, it is not an important thing to you. The hard bit comes from how the rest of the world sees you. The idea that someone would have been less willing to know me and give me a chance is very, very sad when you are the person in the chair. So you adapt by changing the world around you. Because other people seem absurdly bothered about the wheelchair, every conversation comes to have this extra task of helping the other person to forget about it's there. And little by little, they do. But it takes a toll. The world is constantly reflecting back a distorted picture of yourself - i was not 'lost', but 'lost the disabled lady'. To fight that, as a matter of survival, you either become militant about making the disability a feature of your identity (I'm lost and I'm Brave, Heroic and Inspiring yet amazingly Just Like You...') or you ignore it and hope they will too.

Would you expect a black guy to warn you he was black, or a person in remission from cancer, or someone who has committed a crime and done their time, or a Syrian immigrant to make this information available on their profile? Where is the line? What information is sufficiently awful that you should give others a heads-up before inflicting yourself upon them? Especially when you know that they will give you as much of a fair hearing as someone flicking through channels with the remote, looking for something good to watch?

Personally, I think it is quite understandable that disabilities are not aired in a profile. Why would you advertise to the world something that already seems to loom much larger than it should in the public imagination? When you present yourself on a first date, you are saying 'this is who I am'. If being disabled is an important part of that identity, it will be mentioned. If it's not mentioned then you should play up and take the person as they clearly wish to be taken - as a person, just like you.

If society was as it should be, this guy would probably have told you beforehand about the wheelchair. As it happens, your reaction is an excellent illustration of why he decided not to.

You don't have to announce that you're in a wheelchair, but it's easy enough to include a full-length photograph. It's perfectly natural to want to know what the person looks like. I mean, why have any photos at all if we're not interested in what we're physically going to meet?

itsbetterthanabox What do you mean it's unacceptable? You mean it's unacceptable for someone to say, "S/he's too tall/short for my liking?" Why? And what does "unacceptable" mean? That it can't be accepted or that you can't be accepted? Well, have fun railing against that... because that is the way it is and there's nothing you can do about it.

I'm not going to suddenly make a conscious decision to have sex with some just because they have a kind heart and a quick wit. I certainly can't will myself to lust after someone I find physically repulsive.

I just accept that there are plenty of people who wouldn't touch me with a barge pole. I'd rather save my energy for those who would and for whom the feeling is mutual.

I meant to say "or that you can't accept it."

Thanks for all the replies , I stepped away from this thread for a while as I already felt bad about it myself, without the nasty ( but possibly justified ) responses I was getting. I think I was more upset about him not telling me about his disability beforehand. I felt it was unfair on me and he did say, ' I know it's a shock but you did say you wanted an intellectual connection ', which I did. His ' verifications ' on Fabswingers just said he had a good personality ( I re read them afterwards as I didn't know how I had missed this) and one person said he was good with his fingers and tongue. I can only surmise from this that he's not able to have penetrative sex. Anyhow, he's not interested in me as he's now texted me so this conversation is moot now. Sorry if I've offended anyone but I was genuinely in shock and as most pp don't know I'm on a swingers site, I didn't have anyone to discuss this with. I'm normally a pretty open minded, caring, accepting person but this situation did throw me quite a bit and I didn't know how to respond so wanted a second opinion. Thanks again for all your replies.

I guess he could have been good with fingers & tongue and ALSO able to maintain an erection?

Quite Geordie, another assumption from OP.

I can only surmise from this that he's not able to have penetrative sex.
How can you only surmise from being good with his fingers and tongue, that he is unable to have penetrative sex? Would you surmise that if the comment was about anyone else?

This also happened to me. I often wonder if she was a nice person

After almost 7 years, how did you even find this thread?!

😂😂 some page on fb