Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to date this guy?

231 replies

Destinysdaughter · 16/01/2016 22:11

I had a blind date tonight with a guy who seemed really nice online and he turned up to the pub and he was in a wheelchair! He hadn't mentioned his disability before so I was a bit taken aback by it. He was nice but don't think I want to date someone in a wheelchair. Does that make me a v shallow person? He broke his back in a motorbike accident when he was 30, is 50 now. He was nice company but I do feel annoyed that he didn't mention this at all before we met. I feel bad about not wanting to meet him again, I'd be happy to see him again as a friend but as sex would be impossible, I don't see it being a relationship. What would you do?

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/01/2016 10:36

knobbly Grin

sakura · 17/01/2016 10:37

I think you're entitled to date who you want, I've NO doubt this guy has preferences when it comes to women ( must be slim and blah blah) which is also fine.
It's the LYING that gets on women's nerves. Lying by omission or straight up lying: lying about height and salary are the main ones.
Men who happen to be in wheelchairs can be more charismatic, kind and interesting - this we know. But it's up to the woman to judge and decide before she meets.
A straight up guy would have mentioned it in the first line of his profile-- as most guys in wheelchairs do, leaving the woman to decide if it's something she feels able to deal with ( because yes- there are physical and health implications )
Sounds to me this is his "thing"- it's pretty shocking to turn up on a date not knowing the guy is in a wheelchair because he hasn't told you. In fact, wtf?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/01/2016 10:38

sakura shhhh! Don't mention the lying aspect. Everyone just sweeps over it. Hmm

Pipistrella · 17/01/2016 10:41

I don't know if I'd expect someone to mention their disability first off, or not. I imagine that is an issue other people are more clued up on than I am.

It would depend on what level of interaction we had already had.

BeyondBootcampsAgain · 17/01/2016 10:42

Just gonna throw in here the assumption that sex=PIV......... Grin

Iggi999 · 17/01/2016 10:45

Date who you want OP but it's so ignorant to assume that wheelchair=no sex. Maybe if you had stuck around he would have opened your eyes a bit.

SirBoobAlot · 17/01/2016 10:46

Some of the attitudes here are soi crappy, really can't believe it. People have genuinely told me how "good" it is of my husband to take me on Hmm We have a wonderful, equal relationship. I just happen to be disabled. I'll make sure to let him now that MN states I apparently can't have sex.

An ex of mine sleezy bastard used Fab, so I know just how slimy it is. Maybe you should have checked out a few of his wanking videos first, OP. Or do you stick to convincing yourself that a swingers site is a legitimate place to meet someone to date?

BeyondBootcampsAgain · 17/01/2016 10:46

I can see why he wouldnt mention it on his swinging site profile btw, there are (ime men, but i guess similar women exist) people who have a 'thing' for fucking the crippled bird Hmm

I would have dropped it into conversation before i arrived though. Surely a swinging site has exchange of photos and sexting. Seems a good time to include it, to me?

BeyondBootcampsAgain · 17/01/2016 10:48

"Oh how weird, in all of his naked selfie pictures he is sat down, not flexing in the bathroom mirror"

Its not a well known angle for enhancing the appearance of ones penis.

Samcro · 17/01/2016 10:49

wonder where the op and the sock went

itsbetterthanabox · 17/01/2016 10:51

Why should he have to mention it? One would hope that having a disability is irrelevant really.
What extent does this go to? If you have a scar must you disclose? I think it's strange you expect people with disabilities to accommodate your prejudice.
You've decided he can't have sex based on absolutely nothing. I've heard this is a common stereotype. Bizarre to me, why would all disabled people not be able to have sex? He most likely can and does.
You don't have to have sex with him of course but don't be a prick about it. You act like he'd be lucky to have someone like you that wants him as a friend. I'm sure there's plenty more much less ignorant and superficial people out there.

BeyondBootcampsAgain · 17/01/2016 10:55

Did you not see one single full length picture op?
I'd be worried i'd end up with a really short guy!!

itsbetterthanabox · 17/01/2016 10:57

Sakura I can tell you I definitely wouldn't be shocked to turn up on a date and the person be in a wheelchair. Not saying you are in a wheelchair is not lying or lying by omission. It's presuming that the other person is a bigot. I wouldn't want to have to go through life accommodating able bodied people's awkwardness if I had a disability.

Who lies about height and salary? Who puts salary on a profile anyway! You don't know this guy is superficial about women, you've decided he is based on nothing.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/01/2016 11:00

It's presuming that the other person is a bigot.

What a load of tosh.

BeyondBootcampsAgain · 17/01/2016 11:07

It is shocking to arrive on a date and find them in a wheelchair. That isnt bigoted.
Tbh i think sakura is right and he gets off on the shock.

knobblyknee · 17/01/2016 11:15

It is shocking to arrive on a date and find them in a wheelchair. That isnt bigoted.
Tbh i think sakura is right and he gets off on the shock.

Totally agree with this.

If he was in his 80's and hadnt mentioned it, would it be any different?

SirBoobAlot · 17/01/2016 11:19

You think he gets off on the shock? What have you been drinking?

I didn't tell my online dates I was disabled. Because if they turned up and were weird about it, they weren't worth my time. A few people I tolkd in advance that I would be wearing X colour and with Y colour crutches, but that was it. I don't owe anyone an explanation of my life until I see fit to give it to them. And you can tell from facial expressions how they react, which is always a good indication. I'm more than my disability.

thehillshaveyes · 17/01/2016 11:20

The wheelchair wouldn't put me off someone I liked but the fact that he didn't mention it would. I don't think yabu, it's completely your choice.

ClarkL · 17/01/2016 11:21

The sooner people realise we are all temporarily able bodied the better - At some point, due to a genetic/birth issue, accident/illness or old age we will all loose our bodily faculty at some point.
It may be temporary, you may break a leg and be on crutches waiting for it to heal or you body will deteriorate with age. It could be depression over something, post natal depression, it may be a life long mental illness but at SOME point everyone will experience some sort of disability.
The only thing that should matter is who we are on the inside and how we deal with that - hopefully you have the friends and support around you.
You don't like this guy because of a wheel chair that's fine, the accident may well have changed him, made him bitter and angry at how people see him, or it may have empowered him to seize the day and life live to the full. You will never know, but please don't make assumptions and spread your narrow minded thoughts.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/01/2016 11:22

Of course you are more than your disability. Disability should not define anyone. However, is it really fair to not tell someone something as big as being in a wheelchair? Surely it's their choice about how comfortable they are with entering into that situation, not yours? I'm not talking you personally, I'm talking about OP's situation. Although I think we all know that she isn't coming back, it's certainly opened up an interesting discussion.

knobblyknee · 17/01/2016 11:22

I see peoples reaction to my disability, then I give them time to absorb the information and deal with it. Then theres the usual Q and A session.
You cannot blame someone for feeling shocked, its not disgust they feel its empathy.

First reactions dont count, get over it.

Supermanspants · 17/01/2016 11:26

Samcro
I will still assume that the sock comment was directed at me as you didn't respond in the negative when I asked last you up thread after your two sock related posts. I had no idea that going against the overall opinion meant somebody became a sock puppet but thanks for educating me on that one. You may also wish to consider that perhaps, just perhaps there may be delays to people posting on a thread because...shocker... they may be busy.

As for the OP.... who know. She was warned she was going to get a flaming and she did.

Lots of really good posts today. Thanks to hefki for posting a link to the other thread on MHD.... it was very interesting.

ilovesooty · 17/01/2016 11:28

I'm still thinking about this as I think it's complex it I'm astonished that anyone these days thinks people in wheelchairs can't be sexually active.

And isn't it possible to have a difference of opinion without throwing words like PC around?

BeyondBootcampsAgain · 17/01/2016 11:31

Sirboob, feel free not to answer, but were you dating or looking for no-strings sex? I think it makes a difference (but i would still mention my wheelchair beforehand)

Supermanspants · 17/01/2016 11:32

It would depend on what level of interaction we had already had

Fair point. I suppose if it is bog standard OLD and you have been in communication for a while before meeting then I think most people would be surprised. Yes Im sure there will be some who wouldn't bat an eyelid but there will always be exceptions. I don't know how swingers sites work but I would imagine people would still want to date and get to know each other before taking it to the next level.

Swipe left for the next trending thread