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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to date this guy?

231 replies

Destinysdaughter · 16/01/2016 22:11

I had a blind date tonight with a guy who seemed really nice online and he turned up to the pub and he was in a wheelchair! He hadn't mentioned his disability before so I was a bit taken aback by it. He was nice but don't think I want to date someone in a wheelchair. Does that make me a v shallow person? He broke his back in a motorbike accident when he was 30, is 50 now. He was nice company but I do feel annoyed that he didn't mention this at all before we met. I feel bad about not wanting to meet him again, I'd be happy to see him again as a friend but as sex would be impossible, I don't see it being a relationship. What would you do?

OP posts:
Supermanspants · 17/01/2016 11:35

sooty
I suppose it all boils down to not knowing how the level/type of a disability which results in wheelchair use can affect the ability for someone to have sex.

Lockheart · 17/01/2016 11:37

I wouldn't want to start dating someone with a disability with a view to a long-term relationship, because my father has become increasingly disabled in the last 7 years and I have seen the physical, psychological and emotional toll it has taken on my mother :( If I can make choices that avoid that, I will. She is so unhappy; she has lost all her freedom. I do not want that life for myself.

I know of course that nothing is certain, and that I or my husband (when / if I marry) could get hit by a bus tomorrow and be permanently disabled. Or we could have a fall, a stroke, anything, and if that happened then we would deal with it as best we could. BUT where I have a choice I will choose to avoid it.

BeyondBootcampsAgain · 17/01/2016 11:38

I guess, imo...

Dating - only sparse info exchanged beforehand, meeting up to get to know one another in person. Disability not neccesarily disclosed.

Fucking - all relevant info exchanged beforehand, meeting up to gauge chemistry alone. Disability can be relevant, it might not be.

SirBoobAlot · 17/01/2016 11:44

Beyond - I was dating. But if it had been for casual sex I wouldn't had said anything in advance either.

I'm aware of what my body is capable of, I don't need someone's prejudices trying to influence that, which is effectively what thius is about.

BeyondBootcampsAgain · 17/01/2016 11:47

So lets say i'm me, meeting someone for sex (and i am not paralysed)

I need the equipment in my house, not for sex but to get upstairs and to pee, an accessible hotel room can be difficult to find and i cant go back to yours - do you have an accessible toilet? That means for the date to 'progress' you have to go back to the house of someone you barely know. No sex in alleyways and a car would be difficult.
You might be comfortable with that, but many wouldnt be.

It is definitely relevant info that you are a wheelchair user when meeting for sex. Imo.

BeyondBootcampsAgain · 17/01/2016 11:48

Sorry, that post isnt directly to you sirboob!!

Aeroflotgirl · 17/01/2016 11:58

In op case it is a casual sex site, well with the wird swinging in, so I would not have been bothered about disability, but if I was dating I would have to think carefully and the level of disability. Like lockheart has said, it is not easy. My cousin has MS and is in a wheelchair, deteriorating physically, his elderly mum is looking after him as he never had a relationship or kids, it is physically hard and exhausting work.

Quiero · 17/01/2016 11:58

My mam broke her back and was paralysed from the waist down and used a wheelchair.

Unless my brothers are a figment of my imagination, I think she could have sex.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/01/2016 12:01

If dh feel ill that would be different, but if I was looking at a serious relationship, that would be a factor.

itsbetterthanabox · 17/01/2016 12:06

They met for a drink. Not immediate sex. If you meet someone and don't feel comfortable going back to their house then that's that whether they are disabled or not. So what that they may need to only be there. Get to know them then. If you feel so unsafe with a person that you can't go to their house then you shouldn't take then to yours either!

mrsjskelton · 17/01/2016 12:11

Hmmm for a "hook up" site I don't really think it was necessary for him to mention a disability. As in, which disabilities could you get away with not talking about - a mental health issue? He wanted to find a hook up presumably not a relationship... If he was looking for a life partner I'd have been disappointed at him not coming forward about the disability first IMO, I think that's of similar importance to whether you already have kids as there's life choices to be discussed here.

NNalreadyinuse · 17/01/2016 12:11

I would not date someone who I knew to have mental health issues. I just wouldn't want to take on all the additional problems it causes in life, when I could meet someone I was just as attracted to, who didn't come with those problems.

As for being on a wheelchair, that in itself wouldn't be an issue for me on a hook up site. My main concern would be physical attraction. If I was looking for a long term relationship, then I would want early disclosure abour anything which was likely to impact on my life. So genetic conditions, if I wanted to have dc, whether a potential partner would need a carer and whether they saw me as fulfilling that role.Tbh, I wouldn't want to take that on. So these things would affect my choices on a dating site.

If I knew someone in my everyday life and grew to love them and they had disabilities, that would be different, I think, because I already knew them and cared about them.

On a dating site, I don't think anyone should be condemned for wanting the easier life.

JollyXmasJumper · 17/01/2016 12:12

I wonder how many authors of bitchy comments are currently dating here.. Going on a date and finding out the person you have been messaging is in a wheelchair is not something most of us expect. So yeah, it does come across as a shock.

Whether it would be a turn off really depends on the dynamic of the date. And do not get me wrong, I think that man is perfectly entitled not to disclose his disability if he wants to. He probably is totally aware he is playing Russian roulette here.

Anyhow OP, whether he is able to have sex or not is not the question here. Fact is it was a turn off to you, so you are not attracted to him. Meaning if you keep dating him it won't come from a place of attraction but pity. And that is not a good starting point for anything.

Much as with anyone else, this is time for the "no spark" text.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/01/2016 12:13

Well said NN.

user7755 · 17/01/2016 12:13

The assumption that being accepting and non-judgemental and caring about people is unusual, is sad. Fortunately it doesn't reflect my experience of the world.

The tendency for people to use the words passive aggressive and disingenuous to silence people who have an alternative view from them on here is disappointing. I wonder what would happen if a woman posted on here that her husband shut her opinions down by using those strategies?

We are all adults (i think), we are all capable of understanding that the world does not exist according to our belief system.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 17/01/2016 13:18

The only experience I have of a man who uses a wheelchair was a hook-up. He was paralysed from the chest down (after a motorbike accident) and had no sexual function apart from slightly sensitive nipples. He wasn't able to get an erection but was able to use his hands and mouth. This was OK as a one-off but wouldn't have suited me in a relationship because my favourite part of sex is for the man to get on top and fuck me. And sorry, but I would assume (rightly or wrongly) that a man using a wheelchair couldn't get on top and fuck me because that involves the use of legs as support.

MaisyMooMoo · 17/01/2016 16:05

I've only skimmed through most of this but I don't for one minute think it was a casual sex/swinging site. When you read the OP statement it really doesn't give that impression at all. I think the OP started getting slated and decided to back track in some way. That's just my opinion.

ApplePaltrow · 17/01/2016 16:23

A lot of people on this thread seem like the kind of people who would spend twenty minutes describing a person's physical appearance in increasingly awkward ways because they don't want to use the word "black".

I wish there was a middle ground between being nasty and being holier than thou. Because threads like these would make me LESS likely to want to date anyone who used a wheelchair since apparently discomfort = bigotry.

itsbetterthanabox · 17/01/2016 16:33

What other disabilities should people disclose in case it makes you awkward? Visually impaired? Deaf? An amputee? A glass eye? A stutter? Dyslexia? When is it ok not qualify that someone else is ok with you not being 'perfect'?

MuttonWasAGoose · 17/01/2016 16:45

I think I personally have a fear of infirmity. Years ago I'd just begun dating a man when he was struck by Guilliame Barré syndrome. (An autoimmune disorder, I think, that paralyses). I wasn't all that crazy about the guy but felt bad for him and continued to see him for a while. He was wasted and emaciated for a while, but slowly recovered. But it was a big turn off while he had stick limbs and could only move weakly. Because I was young and stupid and thought it was my duty to be nice to men, I would have sex with him, concealing my revulsion. I'm shuddering thinking of it now. As it turned out he was a manipulative twat and I dumped him with no guilt. But I still feel angry when I remember how I used to think I "had" to be "nice."

I'm not nice anymore.

To be fair, my horror of infirmity includes myself. When I broke my arm, I was unable to look at it or even look at the x-rays.

Cinnamon2013 · 17/01/2016 16:51

I wonder how 'perfect' you are, OP.

scarlets · 17/01/2016 16:58

I reckon you should go on another date if you're unsure. If this man is suited to you, it would seem a shame to let a knee jerk reaction get in the way. Give him a call!

itsbetterthanabox · 17/01/2016 17:08

Mutton you should be nice to anyone. Especially someone who is ill. Don't Sex with them if you don't want to. Having sex isn't being nice. Being a nice person is being nice. If he wasn't nice to you then fair enough leave him but him being ill, or 'infirm' wasn't the problem here.
I feel sad for the partners of people on this thread. If they get seriously ill they've got to battle that and deal with your disgust of them.

Supermanspants · 17/01/2016 17:26

I wonder how 'perfect' you are, OP
Hmm

Supermanspants · 17/01/2016 17:43

Ultimately, as had been pointed out by previous posters, people know what they like and know what they don't like when it comes to dating. That can be a whole raft of attributes including disability.

You also could argue that not wanting to date someone again because they were too old/too young, they were of a certain height, they had kids, they were a rampant right winger, their hair was a certain colour, their hands were incredibly small, they were unemployed, they worked in a low skilled profession, they spoke with a certain accent blah blah blah are also shallow reasons to not date someone but why do dating websites have search filters?

Does it make someone a nasty, bad person because they do not wish to date/shag someone with a disability?? How is that attribute any different to any of the other reasons to not date someone (and yes, on the face of it many ARE pretty superficial in the eyes of others but it does mean they deserve a good kicking for it)

By the same token, people with seen and unseen disabilities do date successfully and are in long term r'ships. Why shouldn't they be.