Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to date this guy?

231 replies

Destinysdaughter · 16/01/2016 22:11

I had a blind date tonight with a guy who seemed really nice online and he turned up to the pub and he was in a wheelchair! He hadn't mentioned his disability before so I was a bit taken aback by it. He was nice but don't think I want to date someone in a wheelchair. Does that make me a v shallow person? He broke his back in a motorbike accident when he was 30, is 50 now. He was nice company but I do feel annoyed that he didn't mention this at all before we met. I feel bad about not wanting to meet him again, I'd be happy to see him again as a friend but as sex would be impossible, I don't see it being a relationship. What would you do?

OP posts:
EverySecondCounts · 17/01/2016 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsfuzzy · 17/01/2016 09:35

every paul was not referring to everyone but some people are very pc let's be honest about it and take it to extremes.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/01/2016 09:38

EverySecond don't twist my words now. Silly. That's blatantly not what I said. Hmm You're answering a question I didn't even ask. Confused

I mentioned people considering the implications of dating someone in a wheelchair. No need for the ridiculously overdramatic 'Wow. Just wow. Shock' I didn't exactly say anything shocking.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/01/2016 09:43

EverySecond the only person making assumptions here is you. You are saying things that I haven't even broached upon, nor believe. Bringing up abuse?! Now that's a completely ridiculous over reaction and clearly got fuck all to do with my original comment. You're going on a rant and trying to make my comment something that it's not. Fortunately it's obvious your are over reacting.

HPsauciness · 17/01/2016 09:43

I think it is likely a lot of people wouldn't date a man in a wheelchair given how many times people go on about not liking small men! If what floats your boat is a tall guy, which is the one feature to crop up time and time again on dating websites as a key criteria for women, then one sitting down isn't going to be quite the same. Personally I find heightism pretty silly having dated a couple of 5 foot something guys, but clearly it is people's choice if they don't want to date a guy the same height as them or lower.

I did not date a guy when much younger with a visible disability (not a wheelchair) when he asked me out, primarily because I couldn't handle the thought of everyone staring/commenting at us every where we went. I would hope I had matured a bit since then, but perhaps not.

Pipistrella · 17/01/2016 09:46

If you're looking for a long term relationship, why the fuck are you looking on a swingers site???! Swinging is all about sex. No more, no less.

Unless you want a long term relationship that involves various other partners as well?

So

  1. I wouldn't be on that site in the first place
  1. I wouldn't want to date anyone who was on that site, wheelchair or not
  1. Some of the best people in the world use wheelchairs, and it would make not a hap'orth of difference to me if the person I went on a date with appeared in a wheelchair
  1. Sex is not impossible with someone who uses a wheelchair, but that's been said many times already
  1. I think that yes, it is shallow and silly to refuse to date him because he's in a wheelchair.
  1. There may be other reasons you didn't like him much in person and that's Ok. You're allowed not to fancy someone, or indeed like them, even if they use a wheelchair.
EverySecondCounts · 17/01/2016 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pipistrella · 17/01/2016 09:49

Also I was asked out by a guy who was very small indeed, once. He was a customer in a shop I worked in and one day asked if I'd go out with him.

I didn't want to. Not because of his height, though I did wonder what problems it might present. It was because he seemed very defensive and quite harsh. Maybe that was a natural consequence of being looked down on quite literally all his life, but I didn't want to date someone who seemed angry.

It was very difficult to say no without it sounding like a huge excuse. But I just didn't fancy the guy.

MuttonWasAGoose · 17/01/2016 09:50

I don't think YABU at all.

I wouldn't want to date someone in a wheelchair, myself. It's possible I could fall in love with someone in a wheelchair having gotten to know them socially, I suppose. But I would find it a turn-off at the first meeting and under the relatively high pressure setting of a blind date, then it would thwart any possibility. I mean, assuming he is romantically interested in me, it wouldn't be fair for him to hang around as my friend for a long time on the slim chance I may come to be attracted to him.

I think it's instinctual to be attracted to fit, healthy people.

I am not turned on by the thought of sex with someone in a wheelchair with a spinal injury. I don't see why I should feel obligated out of "niceness" to force myself to overcome this or disregard this.

Pipistrella · 17/01/2016 09:56

Mutton, fair enough and kudos for being honest but I find your attitude really alien.

I get turned on by what a person is like, what they say, what they think, how they relate to me. I find that very sexually relevant. I have known a couple of fantastically clever, attractive, otherwise healthy, gorgeous men who spent most of their time confined to a chair and I'd have married them in a heartbeat if they weren't already taken.

I don't think physicality has a whole lot to do with attraction, not for me anyway. If someone is a superb person then where they are sitting, and whether their legs work or not, is kind of irrelevant.

Alsowhat if you married someone healthy or were in a relationship with them and suddenly they lost the use of their legs - would you just instantly be turned off?

It has to be about more than legs that work or not. Surely?

Pipistrella · 17/01/2016 09:57

Those questions weren't just to you btw.

EverySecondCounts · 17/01/2016 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/01/2016 09:58

I didn't call you silly, I called your attempt to twist what I said silly. I fully understand what you're saying in your later comment but the fact of the matter is most some people will take into consideration the impact dating someone in a wheelchair will have on their life. Will it be more difficult to make simple trips? Am I going to have to change the layout of my house? The bathroom is upstairs, will this pose a problem? There is nothing wrong with people taking time to consider things. Like I said, I highly doubt people don't consider the implications at all.

Pipistrella · 17/01/2016 10:00

Implications are fine to consider. If you like someone enough you'll not give a shit about whether you'll have to install a downstairs bathroom though.

When you love someone you will normally want to make it happen whatever it takes.

That's what love is about.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/01/2016 10:02

That's not what I said at all. I called people's attempts to be the most perfect cringey. My post doesn't read the way you think it does for me. Perhaps because you're reading it from an opposite view point. Apologies for how you have taken it, it's not how it was meant.

fidel1ne · 17/01/2016 10:02

But, swinging isn't dating (??)

Or is it?

Confused
PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/01/2016 10:03

Pipi I don't disagree with that at all. In fact, I wholeheartedly do agree.

Pipistrella · 17/01/2016 10:09

Swinging is about finding willing sexual partners. One off, or regular, or whatever - the conditions include being able to have sex with anyone you like. So you're unlikely to get a loyal and exclusive partner through a swinging site.

MuttonWasAGoose · 17/01/2016 10:18

pipi I am married to someone who has physically altered to the point that I don't wish to have sex with him (although there is more to it than that.) I wouldn't blame him if he fucked off to find love with someone who fancied him, but I can't change how I feel. It's my gut feeling.

I, too, have to find them emotionally and mentally stimulating, although in a swinger situation I suppose at the very least they'd have to refrain from saying or doing anything overtly stupid. (I didn't know the OP was a swinger when I first replied so that does change my input on this a little bit.)

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 17/01/2016 10:19

Hiding this thread now.

It has made me realise how little things have moved on in this world.

Pipistrella · 17/01/2016 10:23

That's really sad Mutton and I sympathise - is it just his physical situation that's altered though? Or is it something to do with his personality that has changed as well?

I can't imagine going off someone whose mind I loved iyswim, but if their attitude or whatever changed as well, perhaps that would do it.

Like, for example someone who became very fat, if they were also very down on themselves about it, or resentful, that might alter my capacity to feel attracted to them. But if they were essentially the same person I married then I don't think I'd stop fancying them.

Difficult to say without being in the situation so obviously I don't want to condemn what you are saying, not at all - our feelings are real and we normally can't help having them, however harsh they may seem to outsiders.

MuttonWasAGoose · 17/01/2016 10:27

"Like, for example someone who became very fat, if they were also very down on themselves about it, or resentful, that might alter my capacity to feel attracted to them. But if they were essentially the same person I married then I don't think I'd stop fancying them."

It's exactly this. And it's a vicious self-perpetuating circle. His attitude and depression leads to greater weight gain. He now finds it difficult to get off the sofa (which he has broken with his weight.)

I am past the point of trying to fix him. I do financially support him. So, while he's not getting laid I'm not entirely evil.

Pipistrella · 17/01/2016 10:31

I don't think you are evil at all. Sometimes people have problems that others, even those closest to them, cannot fix - and should not have to try to fix.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have, of course, every right to feel the way you do.

knobblyknee · 17/01/2016 10:31

I'm disabled and I'd bloody mention it before meeting up for a blind date. Its just fucking goady not to.

In fact I wouldnt blind date at all. I'd meet up for a drink but not a date. Everyone trying to be so pc sticks in my craw.

BeyondBootcampsAgain · 17/01/2016 10:36

Just a little FYI for you.
Only 20% of people who are daily wheelchair users are completely paralysed.

But just lol at the car crash (haha, see what i did there) of a thread.