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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to date this guy?

231 replies

Destinysdaughter · 16/01/2016 22:11

I had a blind date tonight with a guy who seemed really nice online and he turned up to the pub and he was in a wheelchair! He hadn't mentioned his disability before so I was a bit taken aback by it. He was nice but don't think I want to date someone in a wheelchair. Does that make me a v shallow person? He broke his back in a motorbike accident when he was 30, is 50 now. He was nice company but I do feel annoyed that he didn't mention this at all before we met. I feel bad about not wanting to meet him again, I'd be happy to see him again as a friend but as sex would be impossible, I don't see it being a relationship. What would you do?

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 16/01/2016 22:26

If you don't want to see him again, you don't have to.

You are going to get flamed to fuck, brace yourself.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 16/01/2016 22:26

He's broken his back in a motorbike accident so I don't think he's able to have full sex as he can't use his legs.

One has to hope it wouldn't be a leg he'd be inserting...

user7755 · 16/01/2016 22:26

Why? I don't follow your logic.

user7755 · 16/01/2016 22:28

That was an unfortunate cross post bitchy!

That was supposed to be to the OP.

Great comment btw Grin

breezydoesit · 16/01/2016 22:29

I think I'd have preferred it to be mentioned but if the company was excellent I really wouldn't care. If his company was shit I'd be moving on for that reason

RudeElf · 16/01/2016 22:30

I just love when people say "i'd like to keep him as a friend" Hmm

RudeElf · 16/01/2016 22:31

One has to hope it wouldn't be a leg he'd be inserting

Grin Grin Grin

Depends what you're into i suppose....

MammaTJ · 16/01/2016 22:33

I can personally assure you that someone who is unable to use their legs can actually be good in bed! BUT, I don't think you are deserving of this advice!

Toffeelatteplease · 16/01/2016 22:35

Dammit wrong side of the guidelines!

DancingDuck · 16/01/2016 22:36

Date who you like and find people attractive or unattractive for whatever reasons you choose. If you didn't want to employ someone on those grounds it would be one thing, but sex appeal is entirely personal. Though I don't agree that he needed to tell you. If he has no hang ups about it, which you'd hope he hasn't, it may not have even crossed his mind that it was relevant.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 16/01/2016 22:36

I think the abuse is a bit much here.

Being in a wheelchair can be a significant, life-changing disability. I do think it's something he might have mentioned, actually.

cosytoaster · 16/01/2016 22:37

One has to hope it wouldn't be a leg he'd be inserting........OP would certainly need to brace herself for that

wannaBe · 16/01/2016 22:37

The thing is, every disabled person who goes online looking for dating reaches a point at which they question when it is they should mention their disability. Imagine what it's like to wonder at what point you have to do that in order to give the other person a chance to say that actually, who you are is an issue for them. And at what level should it be relevant really. If a disability e.g. Involves their new partner being involved in their personal care for instance, or if it means they have a genetic condition which could be passed to future children then of course these things should be shared sooner rather than later because they could have an impact on the other person's future life plans.

But there are many disabilities which are not life-limiting, and unfortunately many people refuse to see past the disability to the person underneath. Disability isn't a cross of shame which should be displayed for all to see so those who don't like it can choose to stay away. Every one of us is a car crash away from being in a wheelchair, and chances are that most of us will end up disabled in some way shape or form by the time we reach old age.

Anyone is free to date whoever they want for whatever reason they want. But if you are dismissing people on the basis of a disability alone then yes, you are shallow. You have the right to be shallow, but it doesn't change the fact.

Original poster
Destinysdaughter · 16/01/2016 22:38

And as I've said, it was a swinging site he contacted me on. I'm not looking for a lifelong partner, just someone to have physical fun with.

OP posts:
user7755 · 16/01/2016 22:39

wannabe Star

Toffeelatteplease · 16/01/2016 22:39

If I was you I would improve my understanding of disabilities and get to know the person behind the chair.

I find people who can't see beyond a wheelchair very superficial.

user7755 · 16/01/2016 22:39

So if he is on a swinging site, what makes you think that he can't have sex?

Toffeelatteplease · 16/01/2016 22:40

Presumably if he is on a sex site he is up for the sex he is listed as being up for

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 16/01/2016 22:41

And as I've said, it was a swinging site he contacted me on. I'm not looking for a lifelong partner, just someone to have physical fun with.

If he contacted you through a bonking swinging site, that does tend to indicate he is ready, willing and able.

PollyPocket100 · 16/01/2016 22:43

If I were you I'd probably start warning potential hookups about how judgemental and narrow minded I am towards people with disabilities before meeting.
That should definitely stop this from happening to you again.

wannaBe · 16/01/2016 22:43

Presumably if he's on a swinging site he's well aware of what that involves no? Given you're only in it for the sex did the topic not come up then?

You know, there are actually some twisted people out there who fantasise about having sex with people with disabilities, it's commonly known as a fascination fuck, so perhaps he's actually quite happy to cure the fascination for those types, and let's face it, the kinds of people who go on swinging websites aren't exactly hearts and flowers romantic types....

Supermanspants · 16/01/2016 22:44

What about mental disabilities?
My ex had serious mental health issues. Are those posters giving the OP a shoeing saying that it is also superficial to not want to date somebody who has mental health disabilities?
Genuine question.

abbsismyhero · 16/01/2016 22:47

i think you should be told so you can make a decision you might have decided to meet up anyway plus its easier to ask the question can you have full sex from behind a keyboard its a bit more tricky in person

i would assume the site he was on meant he was still capable my assumptions would also lead me to believe it might be a little different to what i was used to it depends how far out of the box you're willing to step

Supermanspants · 16/01/2016 22:48

If I were you I'd probably start warning potential hookups about how judgemental and narrow minded I am towards people with disabilities before meeting

What are your thoughts on mental disabilities Polly?
My ex had serious mental health issues. He had quite specific difficulties day to day a bit like someone in a wheelchair.

.

Original poster
Destinysdaughter · 16/01/2016 22:48

We didn't talk about sex, I didn't want to be insensitive about it. We talked about everything else but sex!

OP posts:
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