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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to date this guy?

231 replies

Destinysdaughter · 16/01/2016 22:11

I had a blind date tonight with a guy who seemed really nice online and he turned up to the pub and he was in a wheelchair! He hadn't mentioned his disability before so I was a bit taken aback by it. He was nice but don't think I want to date someone in a wheelchair. Does that make me a v shallow person? He broke his back in a motorbike accident when he was 30, is 50 now. He was nice company but I do feel annoyed that he didn't mention this at all before we met. I feel bad about not wanting to meet him again, I'd be happy to see him again as a friend but as sex would be impossible, I don't see it being a relationship. What would you do?

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/01/2016 00:07

I missed where the op said it was a hook up website, not a dating website. Tbh, I can still understand her reaction (perhaps being a bit ignorant about how sex might be with someone who is disabled etc). It might not be correct but I'm willing to bet her reaction is probably the norm (or at least common) in these circumstances.

hefzi · 17/01/2016 00:11

Previous thread here in case you're interested.

Apologies - it took me so long to type my response initially that I saw in the interim you'd posted your acknowledgement that this wasn't about a relationship.

Supermanspants · 17/01/2016 00:12

Thank you Smile

eloquent · 17/01/2016 00:15

I wouldn't disclose my mental health issues for a hook up. It's up to him if he wants to disclose whatever about himself.

It is incredibly difficult to know when to bring it up. I've been sidelined a lot into just wanting me to be a fuck buddy because of it.

Supermanspants · 17/01/2016 00:20

eloquent My ex used to tell people before he met them but as you can imagine it mostly led to a termination of communication. He pretty much gave up dating. He would have periods of time where things were pretty stable but these were inter dispersed with really quite horrifying episodes of him putting himself into extremely dangerous situations.
The thread hefzi linked is interesting.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/01/2016 00:32

Hum. Well, if you're not looking for a relationship as such, just want sex and fun, then you don't really need to date him, do you.

If he isn't capable of the sex act, why on earth would he be on a swingers/hook up site, rather than one for actual relationships? I don't know, it seems that he'd have to be EXTREMELY fucking obtuse to go onto a site of that nature if he can't actually do sex. And since you never even discussed it, you don't know, do you.

But yes I think you should leave him alone now.

BringMeTea · 17/01/2016 00:45

Oh dear. It's Shish Kebob all over again.

Pancakeflipper · 17/01/2016 00:46

To sign up for this site " Fabswingers" do you have to prove you are a fab swinger?
And if so how do you do that?

eloquent · 17/01/2016 00:49

supermanspants all i get is "oh, so are you horny a lot then, wink wink" Hmmso that's an instant block. It's so disheartening.

MaisyMooMoo · 17/01/2016 01:02

I imagine many people in his position get so fed up for being dismissed because of their physical appearance he didn't mention it because he hoped the person he was meeting might see the real person and look beyond his disability and he may stand a chance.

Elephant24 · 17/01/2016 01:19

I think if I'd met someone on a swingers site and they turned up in a wheelchair I'd be asking myself do I fancy them? Do I want to have sex with them? Just the same as if they walked in unaided. That's the point of the swingers' site surely?

So as I see it the problem is that you didn't talk about sex - for all you know he might have had all the right equipment in working order just waiting for you to hop on!

Elephant24 · 17/01/2016 01:20

Maisy as its a swingers website I should imagine seeing the real person etc was not really required!

Dollymixtureyumyum · 17/01/2016 04:14

I can't believe in this day and age that people still hold the belief that people in wheelchairs can't have sex!!!!
Having a disability myself and working with people with disabilities two of which are a married couple, both in wheelchairs, they both have cerebral palsy and not only are in wheelchairs but have very limited use of their arms and guess what they have two kids, conceived naturally. Believe me your attitude OP is precisely the reason why he did not disclose he was in a wheelchair. I take it if you had any medical problems you disclosed them on this site

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 17/01/2016 04:45

I'm in a wheelchair and guess what.... My DH and I have sex. We even have DC.

Ignorance around disability is alive and kicking.

novemberchild · 17/01/2016 05:09

The chair would not concern me, but I would like to be prepared for it in advance. I have dated people in the past with significant physical disabilities. It's helpful to be able to do a bit of reading and know what to expect. Also to understand and make sure I don't accidentally commit faux-pas.

Swingingsusie · 17/01/2016 05:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/01/2016 08:33

Of course it's your choice not to date a disabled person, I am sure he will find somebody who likes him just the way he is, but did you really have to post on Mumsnet about it. A polite no thank you, and move on.

londonrach · 17/01/2016 08:59

Abit shocked op thinks he cant have sex because hes in a wheelchair. Op if you like him see him again, if you dont, dont. end of story.

Separate point here. Do people really do swinging? how that work with stis. I thought it was an urban tale. Thinking i might have had a sheltered life. Blush

Katenka · 17/01/2016 09:00

I really don't see the issue.

It's a hook up website. He has 'verifications' so he clearly can have sex.

He isn't expecting you to move in and be his carer X

In these circumstances, I don't think he should feel obliged to disclose anything.

mommy2ash · 17/01/2016 09:13

I think being in a wheelchair is something he should have mentioned. It saves everyone the time if the person he is chatting to doesn't want to meet someone in a wheelchair. It's not the same but I'm really really short and when I tried online dating I always mentioned it and did get a few look sorry but you are too short for me replies and I was ok with that.

EverySecondCounts · 17/01/2016 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timelytess · 17/01/2016 09:15

Really, you don't have to be politically correct in your personal relationships, no matter what MNers might tell you. If he's not for you, move on.
And that applies whether the opening post is true or a work of fiction.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/01/2016 09:24

So all you people calling the op narrow minded, horrible etc. You'd all date a person in a wheelchair and not even consider for a millisecond the impact it might have on your life, your child's life? Nah, don't believe it. People are falling over themselves to be the most inclusive here and it's cringey.

And before anyone says, I know the op was just talking about a hook up but a lot of comments were directed toward dating.

EverySecondCounts · 17/01/2016 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsfuzzy · 17/01/2016 09:33

paul you're probably on the mark with that comment, some pp's might be taking the moral high ground [like the secret DM readers - who won't admit it on mn ] : !