AIBU to feel sorry for my brother?

[Dunkin]

I've been reading mumsnet for a while so I thought I'd take the plunge and join your little online community!

I want to start off regarding my younger brother. He's a well educated, good looking and fit guy (I'm hardly going to say anything to the contrary! Lol). Anyway, he has informed my mum that he intends to go to the states soon and have children via a surrogate.

The whole thing makes me feel sad. He has no problems attracting good qualify women around his age (32) that could hopefully lead on to more in terms of starting a family but he is adamant that he wants to have children this way. He has severe trust issues around women that I don't understand. There has never been any infidelity or abuse in our family. Parents happily married for over 40 years. Me and my two other sisters are happily married with kids also. He has never been cheated on either.

He brings women to family gatherings all the time who seem all doughy eyed about him but he dumps them after a few months. He's never been in a LTR. loads of women mind you, but never anything serious. The surrogacy news has come as a shock to our family - we all think it has to do with him making the decision to retire (he's been very very successful working in finance at a young age).

I did manage to speak to him earlier this morning. He seems to be hung up on how a woman will take all his money and turn him in to a weekend dad - stories planted in his head by divorced older colleagues and friends who have been cheated on in marriage.

So my question is how do I get him to take step back and help him get over his fears about women? How do I get him to understand that women that mess you about are in the minority. Am I wrong to feel that a child needs a mother in his/her life as well as a father? Thanks in advance.

I don't think there's any difference between me getting pregnant with a donor than him having them via a surrogate.

Do you REALLY not see any difference between someone annonymously donating some sperm, and someone donating an egg, and then receiving sperm/being impregnated and then carrying a baby for 9 months and then "donating" that child to another person on the understanding that you'll not be involved in that childs life?????

I don't think anyone can be THAT stupid to not see any difference.

MelindaMay - Obviously there a difference between the male and female's role in childbirth and conception.

I do not see what it is any difference for a woman to want a child without an OH and to use donor sperm and yet when a man wishes to do it using a surrogate, opinions are totally different

I agree with you Captain. There are altruistic women, who, having had children themselves, want to enable others to experience the joys of parenting. I have read enough threads on here to realise that some separated mothers of kids want to write their old partners out of their lives and substitute a new 'father' figure. I have also seen male friends of ours bereft and fight against odds to maintain contact with their children.
The 'family' unit never stays exactly the same. From extended families to nuclear families, blended families and single parent families, there will continue to be changes to the way humans parent.
There are some very one sided, intolerant and sexist views being expressed very aggressively on here.If it is an open discussion there is no need for the previous poster to describe another's views as stupid.It lessens the power of an argument when expressed so aggressively.

OP your brother sounds like a mysoginist dickhead.

probably been said already but I have read posts from women who want to have kids and have or are considering going down the donor route to be a single parent, what's the difference here? personally I like to think a child is brought into the world by loving and committed couples ( same sex or male / female) who stay together and share the responsibility and love for their child(ren) but I am realistic enough to know life is not always like this. It seems sad that his mistrust of women is so deep that he prefers this option which (as in the case of the women in similar situations) I feel is a little selfish in terms of 'I want, so I can buy / have' rather than thinking about the many kids out there that need a home and considering this option. Of course that is a simplistic view, I wanted children of my own and doubt I would have adopted if I was unable to have them so fully understand it's not for everyone but in a perfect world we would accept things better.

You either believe single men are perfectly capable of raising well-adjusted and much-loved children or.....you don't believe two gay men are capable either.

Which one is it?

It's irrelevant. A surrogate has already made a choice to carry babies for others. It is not your place to tell her she is behaving immorally because of the 'risks' of pregnancy.

I really deplore this tendency to portray pregnancy as largely risk and consequence free.

all I can add is that judging by the OP brother's facebook post he is certainly NOT a feminist.

"I really deplore this tendency to portray pregnancy as largely risk and consequence free"

Indeed, especially as a friend of a friend just died in labour.

And the US poor are very poor as is US healthcare.

But one thing that cannot be avoided with surrogacy is the wrench of giving away one's baby after it is born. I can't even imagine how that would feel.

You're wrong, actually Atenco. If you moved in the world of surrogacy, you would know that most surrogates, at least those in this country, haven't experienced a wrench because they never see the children as being theirs. It's the strangest thing but I have witnessed it and know this to be true.

I have offered to be a surrogate for a friend who has suffered repeat miscarriages. I would absolutely do it for no fee and because it is the greatest gift I feel I could give to another human being. I would not be giving away my baby, it would be theirs.

The OP's brother is exploiting no-one.

I understand. I guess the surrogacy thing seems normal when you see Elton John et al finding their families in this way. I don't see it as exploitation, but I'm biased due to feeling that urge in my own heart to help my friend (she has decided against surrogacy as it happens).

I feel perhaps lots of posters have decided outright that the OPs brother is an entitled wanker (and unfeminist to boot!) and so opinion is skewed from the start in some respects.

A lot of people who are interested in the rights and dignity of women are against paid surrogacy. By all means, volunteer as as a surrogate for someone you care about - that's a fine and noble thing to do. But paid surrogacy is in many ways as objectionable as prostitution. It turns women's bodies into a commercial resource and encourages the perception that if women can survive economically by using their bodies for the benefit of others, they ought to.

encourages the perception that if women can survive economically by using their bodies for the benefit of others, they ought to.

I think that's a bit of a leap, abbie, and not a good enough reason to deny women the opportunity to do this if they wish to. It is also not like prostitution in terms of risks associated with a highly unsafe lifestyle, violence, STDs etc.. The risks are already known to the woman in question because she will have gone through pregnancies before. It's her choice and no feminist should try to take that away.

Comparing surrogacy to prostitution is absurd. Where do you get off with that measure of conflation?

not a good enough reason to deny women the opportunity to do this if theywishto.

Just to humour me, indicate where I suggested denying women the right to do this?

And I do think paid surrogacy is comparable to prostitution. It's renting women's bodily organs for use by another person.

So gay male couples are required to buy the services of an 'organ prostitute' if they wish to become parents? Just a thought, but you really might wish to keep that opinion to yourself around these parts

Why are you calling us 'Ladies'. That's really quite patronising. Not just DB with the issues methinks...