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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel sorry for my brother?

383 replies

Dunkin · 15/01/2016 11:36

I've been reading mumsnet for a while so I thought I'd take the plunge and join your little online community!

I want to start off regarding my younger brother. He's a well educated, good looking and fit guy (I'm hardly going to say anything to the contrary! Lol). Anyway, he has informed my mum that he intends to go to the states soon and have children via a surrogate.

The whole thing makes me feel sad. He has no problems attracting good qualify women around his age (32) that could hopefully lead on to more in terms of starting a family but he is adamant that he wants to have children this way. He has severe trust issues around women that I don't understand. There has never been any infidelity or abuse in our family. Parents happily married for over 40 years. Me and my two other sisters are happily married with kids also. He has never been cheated on either.

He brings women to family gatherings all the time who seem all doughy eyed about him but he dumps them after a few months. He's never been in a LTR. loads of women mind you, but never anything serious. The surrogacy news has come as a shock to our family - we all think it has to do with him making the decision to retire (he's been very very successful working in finance at a young age).

I did manage to speak to him earlier this morning. He seems to be hung up on how a woman will take all his money and turn him in to a weekend dad - stories planted in his head by divorced older colleagues and friends who have been cheated on in marriage.

So my question is how do I get him to take step back and help him get over his fears about women? How do I get him to understand that women that mess you about are in the minority. Am I wrong to feel that a child needs a mother in his/her life as well as a father? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 16/01/2016 17:56

He's not a feminist. People who are feminists, don't believe it's legitimate to exploit poor women by renting their bodies.

He's going to be a piss-poor father. How do people who exploit other people like this, explain to their children how they bought them from a woman who had very few other choices?

It's fucking sick.

Bean89 · 16/01/2016 18:03

You've made him sound awful! I hope you're just very tactless.

vjg13 · 16/01/2016 18:05

Perhaps you talk him into a pet instead?

Dragonsdaughter · 16/01/2016 18:20

But a pet might cost him money ????

NeedsAsockamnesty · 16/01/2016 18:21

I don't think he's gay I also don't think he has any understanding about what a feminist actually is.

Oh and all my younger children are from donated sperm, predominantly because I cannot be arsed to find a partner and I prefer not to.

Difference is I did not exploit someone elses body to achieve my desired result

AyeAmarok · 16/01/2016 18:23

I don't think he's gay anymore either.

I think he's just a bellend.

Or made up

Leelu6 · 16/01/2016 18:27

So my sister and her new mumsnet friends think I'm gay because I want to have a child via a surrogate instead of putting my emotional and financial wellbeing on the line by committing to a woman who could theoretically change her mind 20 years down the line because society and the laws in this country enable her".

Hang on, am I getting this right? He is deploring a society and its laws that allow women to leave a marriage?

Sounds like he would love an indentured slave instead of an equal partner.

I knew the city was full of wankers but this takes the fucking Biscuit

OP, you seem to be so enamoured of your brother's good grades and financial success that you seem to have become blind to his faults.

I hope the US finds him an unsuitable person to raise a child from a surrogate.

MadgeMak · 16/01/2016 19:02

Your brother sounds like a right twat to be honest.

CozyLinusBlanket · 16/01/2016 19:17

He sounds like one of those Red Pill 'Open your eyes and understand that women are just holes you rent by the hour' losers.

And actually, if you read here Dunkin's brother, any woman who married you would need our 'society's laws' pretty quickly once she realized what a whiny manboy she'd married.

FloatIsRechargedNow · 16/01/2016 19:52

Well DB has a point about the MN 'friends' thinking he's gay because of his decision and viewpoint - which is a pretty narrow reaction from the MNers who were convinced he's gay.

Yes, many here hold the view he's exploiting a woman's body, specifically a 'poor' woman. And there is validity to this view however,
it's a formula that can be played out in many circumstances considered less controversial.

As long as Dunkin's DB really explores the surrogacy options thoroughly and has a good working respectful relationship with his surrogate based on mutual consent and agreement, good luck to him and to her.

Dunkin has said she will now leave him to it - which some PPs have advised from the beginning.

So Dunkin's Bro - if you and you FB 'friends' are reading this - good luck and a thumb's up from me!

LynetteScavo · 16/01/2016 20:23

I'm not sure he likes himself very much if he thinks someone will eventually leave him.

A child won't be able to leave him though....He reminds me of a 16yo who gets pregnant because she wants someone to love/love her.

springydaffs · 16/01/2016 23:29

A grown up child can leave a parent - many do. Being a parent - even a good parent - doesn't at all guarantee the child won't leave him in the future.

However, the child doesn't have automatic rights to his money if the child splits.

GarlicBake · 16/01/2016 23:42

Well, he's going to live abroad ... If you're reading, Dunkin Bro, maybe choose your country of residence according to its divorce and inheritance laws Wink

Springy, there are no automatic rights to inherit in England.

LucyBabs · 17/01/2016 00:16

Ah you're pulling our legs now Dunkin!

LovelyFriend · 17/01/2016 00:55

"woman who...... could theoretically change her mind 20 years down the line because society and the laws in this country enable her".
fucking hell this guy is completely insane!! and as far from a feminist as anyone could possibly be.

AmIthatbloodycold · 17/01/2016 01:22

Shamelessly place marking. I have nothing to add, but want to see what happens next Wink

InionEile · 17/01/2016 03:17

This all sounds like a made up troll post to spark some nonsense debate about whether single men have the right to rent wombs if single women have the right to use sperm clinics. It's pretty theoretical really. Few people have the combination of oddness and wealth to pursue this option.

On the off chance that it's real, however, then YABU to feel sorry for your brother, OP. He doesn't sound like someone who has been treated harshly by life in any way or trapped by any unjust laws. I would reserve your sympathy for the woman who is desperate enough to have to be a surrogate for financial reasons.

Soooosie · 17/01/2016 06:09

He seems to have an odd concept of relationships and women. Seems to soley hinge on money and grabbymess but then he's had a very shallow indulgent materialistic life.

springydaffs · 17/01/2016 21:28

That's what I said, garlic? Re a wife who splits automatically has a stake in the marital assets; a child who splits has no automatic rights to any money.

So in that sense it's a safer bet for op's bro to get a child rather than a wife.

springydaffs · 17/01/2016 21:30

A safer financial bet.

GarlicBake · 18/01/2016 01:07

Oh, I see, you were comparing a child 'divorcing' the parent and an ex-wife.
Aha.
Yes, it's very much about protecting the money.
Odd.

PiperChapstick · 18/01/2016 01:16

Your brother is NOT a feminist. A feminist wouldn't make some sweeping assumption about all women wanting to leave him and take all his money, and already be bitter about it. He sounds far too immature to be a parent. And really not a very nice person at all.

PiperChapstick · 18/01/2016 01:17

Also OP do you realise that not all gay people are camp little waifs and they can be ex-bullies too?

Stormtreader · 18/01/2016 13:36

Ronnie Kray was gay, I think no-one would argue he avoided a fight!

CaptainMerryWeather · 18/01/2016 13:41

I don't think there's any difference between me getting pregnant with a donor than him having them via a surrogate.

He's obviously thought about it a lot to get to this point.

I'd think that his comments about divorced friends being shafted is just part of his reasons for wanting to do this, and there will be a lot more that he's not saying.