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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel sorry for my brother?

383 replies

Dunkin · 15/01/2016 11:36

I've been reading mumsnet for a while so I thought I'd take the plunge and join your little online community!

I want to start off regarding my younger brother. He's a well educated, good looking and fit guy (I'm hardly going to say anything to the contrary! Lol). Anyway, he has informed my mum that he intends to go to the states soon and have children via a surrogate.

The whole thing makes me feel sad. He has no problems attracting good qualify women around his age (32) that could hopefully lead on to more in terms of starting a family but he is adamant that he wants to have children this way. He has severe trust issues around women that I don't understand. There has never been any infidelity or abuse in our family. Parents happily married for over 40 years. Me and my two other sisters are happily married with kids also. He has never been cheated on either.

He brings women to family gatherings all the time who seem all doughy eyed about him but he dumps them after a few months. He's never been in a LTR. loads of women mind you, but never anything serious. The surrogacy news has come as a shock to our family - we all think it has to do with him making the decision to retire (he's been very very successful working in finance at a young age).

I did manage to speak to him earlier this morning. He seems to be hung up on how a woman will take all his money and turn him in to a weekend dad - stories planted in his head by divorced older colleagues and friends who have been cheated on in marriage.

So my question is how do I get him to take step back and help him get over his fears about women? How do I get him to understand that women that mess you about are in the minority. Am I wrong to feel that a child needs a mother in his/her life as well as a father? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 16/01/2016 09:34

Gay or straight he sounds as if he'd be a TERRIBLE father.

MrsLupo · 16/01/2016 09:35

Your updates make it sound more and more like he's gay tbh. But so what? Why can't he have a child with a surrogate? He sounds a bit fucked up but that hardly sets him apart from lots of other people who decide to become parents. Still not really getting the big deal here.

penguinplease · 16/01/2016 09:41

I had a car accident yesterday and can barely move today.
This thread about a gay man and his in denial sister that I'm not convinced is entirely real has cheered me up no end and this is me place marking.

Psychmumma · 16/01/2016 09:54

Give him time, space , support and understanding. Bullying does suggest inner conflict / turmoil etc. Putting him into the "definitely not gay" pigeon hole doesn't help...whether he is or not isn't anybody's concern; but he is a person in your life, whom you love, and presumably you all want to continue a relationship with him whomever he's with / wherever he is / whatever he's doing. Back off and gently encourage the rest of your family to do the same. Your brother will thank you for it and is far more likely to confide in you in the future. It's his life, life is short and he deserves to be happy.

Chippednailvarnish · 16/01/2016 09:55

and has ascertained if he can pull it off

Well if he's donating his sperm to a donor, he will definitely have to pull it off.

Croissants for breakfast...

notquiteruralbliss · 16/01/2016 10:18

If OPs brother wants and can afford a child but doesn't want a relationship either a woman then yes of course surrogacy is an option. I work in the same industry, and it is rife with highly paid men who work long hours, have SAH partners / DCs they don't see and expensive lifestyles that mean they are obliged to carry on working at that level.

However, I also know plenty of equally well paid women, who would love their DPs to downshift ( or whose ZdPs have downshifted) so that family life would be easier.

Maybe the surrogate thing is tied in with OPs brother's marriage breakdown and / or with his desire to step off the treadmill and retire. Or maybe he is gay. In any case, in his position, I would 'retire', decompress and then revisit the question of whether I wanted a child and / or a relationship.

nextusername · 16/01/2016 10:18

He sounds a bit fucked up but that hardly sets him apart from lots of other people who decide to become parents.

That's true. Why should people who need help to become a parent be screened for "suitability" if those who don't aren't?

notquiteruralbliss · 16/01/2016 10:19

OPs brothers friends marriage breakdown

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 16/01/2016 12:14

Hoping the OP will keep us up to date with the next instalment... I'm another that thought he sounded gay especially with the updates - not that that is a problem.

I dont think that family should back off and let people make mistakes without letting them know of their concerns first. To whoever said that family should keep out does that mean when things go tits up too? Ah well, your life, you made your choices? I'd hope family would be there to support after whatever duff choices someone makes but also let them know of their concerns first. So OP, let your DB know of your worries. Tell him how damned hard it is raising DC with two parents, let alone just one. He doesn't have to take your advice but it might plant the seeds of doubt.

Soooosie · 16/01/2016 12:23

The best thing you could do is tell your brother you love him and will support him in his life decisions, whatever they are

OTheHugeManatee · 16/01/2016 12:46

I say gay too. Gay men aren't automatically effeminate so none of the 'evidence' supplied so far proves anything. Gay men can also IME be blisteringly mosogynistic.

antimatter · 16/01/2016 13:06

I asked if he looked after small child because if he didn't and can't get in any meaningful relationship at the age of 32 he needs to understand he can't just hand ovet child to his nanny and housekeeper in a strop.

Being a parent as we know us mostly tiring and for many can be boring. Being a singke oarent is also exahausting. You can't ever switch off. His make friends complain about not given custody of their kids. Does he know many single parents at all?
Most songke parents are in that oosition not by choice and often have respite if weekends, some evenings or/and holidays.
He never will.
I would say the same to a woman who wants to go and have child by soerm donation.
I am not sexist. I am single parent and not by choice.

Dragonsdaughter · 16/01/2016 13:10

In the gay camp and unfortunately have to agree many gay men are really very misogynistic

CozyLinusBlanket · 16/01/2016 13:11

Well, none of what you said means he can't be gay - it's almost a cliche actually, the gay man in denial getting angry at open homosexuals or seeing 'gay' stuff everywhere because it's always on his mind. And a lot of those men will try to maintain straight relationships - and fail. It's possible. Especially coupled with the fact that he has an endless stream of women to bring to family events but has has never had a longterm relationship. In fact it's almost an identical situation to a guy I was at college with actually! He came out when he was 38.

roundaboutthetown · 16/01/2016 13:14

I do think he sounds like an appalling marriage prospect for anybody, so has probably made a fair assessment of his personal chances of having a long term successful marriage. On that basis, using a surrogate is probably the only way he would ever stand a chance of having his own children and retaining full custody. He would make an appalling role model as a parent, though, with his attitude to women, relationships and bullying. Does he even understand the difference between love and nurture, and ownership and control? How would he cope with having daughters? Or a disabled child? Or a homosexual child? It sounds like he has been deeply screwed up for a very long time.

MultishirkingAgain · 16/01/2016 13:15

My brother was a bully in school, picking on year 10, 11 boys when he was in year 7. He use to go school to school fighting other wannabe hardnuts until he settled down around 16. So I know he isn't gay. He's prone to making homophobic remarks as well(

Sorry, OP you're not making him sound particularly "good quality" here (to use your own words). No wonder he can't get a woman to hang around long enough to establish a family with him. He has to buy all his relationships (outside his family) it seems.

All the things you say about him make me feel really sorry for any child he has lifetime care of, however conceived, gestated, and born.

MultishirkingAgain · 16/01/2016 13:15

Not sure how 'self declared feminist' falls in with misogynous, bullying, homophobe diving into the surrogacy market for fear that women who aren't paid to have his child but merely sacrifice their own time and earning potential will shaft him when he fails to maintain a LTR

This

GarlicBake · 16/01/2016 13:18

he needs to understand he can't just hand over child to his nanny and housekeeper in a strop.

Yeah - he can Confused

CozyLinusBlanket · 16/01/2016 13:22

Not ideal parenting though is it GarlicBake

Atenco · 16/01/2016 13:31

Why should people who need help to become a parent be screened for "suitability" if those who don't aren't?

Well, on top of a poor woman risking her health to bear a child, she would also have to hand her child over to an unknown quantity for them to rear it. I just can't imagine what it must feel like to give your child away, let alone when you find out that that person is not suitable to bring up a child.

antimatter · 16/01/2016 13:35

If I was his sister I would like to get him to the bottom of what is the void he tries to fill in by occupying himself with surrogacy planning.

If he is unhappy now he is likely to be unhappy when he has a child.
Looking in others to make us feel complete and fulfilled is never a good plan.

FloatIsRechargedNow · 16/01/2016 13:40

In support of OP's description of her DB not being gay - I can relate to that as I've been described many times over the years as being a lesbian simply through personality traits, lifestyle choices, sporting activities, etc. I am not gay/lesbian/bi but a pure heterosexual and everyone that has ever known me (and slept with me) would agree with that - including my gay/lesbian/bi friends.

I'm still a supporter of her DB's decision to investigate the surrogacy option, because that is what he is doing - investigating further before making a decision, which sounds very responsible to me.

I'm waiting for Dunkin to come back in time, poor lady needs some sleep and probably has other more pressing things to do than reporting back to MN at the moment. I'm curious to see if she has altered her view in any way after her discussions with DB last night.

I think this has been a great thread - which has exposed some of the subconsciously entrenched 'ideas' held by many women who consciously think they don't think like that.

I'll be back later to check this thread, like us all, other things to do.

nextusername · 16/01/2016 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cleaty · 16/01/2016 15:26

I don't think there is any reason to think he is gay. I do think it is wrong to pay a woman to take away her baby from her. It is basically buying a baby.

BathtimeFunkster · 16/01/2016 15:34

And in the USA surrogates aren't necessarily poor.

They're mostly poor.

And doing it for "expenses".

It's a very unsavoury business.

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