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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel sorry for my brother?

383 replies

Dunkin · 15/01/2016 11:36

I've been reading mumsnet for a while so I thought I'd take the plunge and join your little online community!

I want to start off regarding my younger brother. He's a well educated, good looking and fit guy (I'm hardly going to say anything to the contrary! Lol). Anyway, he has informed my mum that he intends to go to the states soon and have children via a surrogate.

The whole thing makes me feel sad. He has no problems attracting good qualify women around his age (32) that could hopefully lead on to more in terms of starting a family but he is adamant that he wants to have children this way. He has severe trust issues around women that I don't understand. There has never been any infidelity or abuse in our family. Parents happily married for over 40 years. Me and my two other sisters are happily married with kids also. He has never been cheated on either.

He brings women to family gatherings all the time who seem all doughy eyed about him but he dumps them after a few months. He's never been in a LTR. loads of women mind you, but never anything serious. The surrogacy news has come as a shock to our family - we all think it has to do with him making the decision to retire (he's been very very successful working in finance at a young age).

I did manage to speak to him earlier this morning. He seems to be hung up on how a woman will take all his money and turn him in to a weekend dad - stories planted in his head by divorced older colleagues and friends who have been cheated on in marriage.

So my question is how do I get him to take step back and help him get over his fears about women? How do I get him to understand that women that mess you about are in the minority. Am I wrong to feel that a child needs a mother in his/her life as well as a father? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

MelindaMay · 15/01/2016 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 15/01/2016 12:04

With my cynical hat on, anyone can "declare" they are a feminist - it doesn't make you one. Lots of opportunities for exploitation of women around surrogacy too.

Having said which, he is right to assume that should he have a child in a relationship and that relationship then breaks up, he'd be unlikely to be awarded more than 50:50 care, and possibly a lot less.

expatinscotland · 15/01/2016 12:06

No wonder he has issues - his family thinks it's okay to stage interventions in his life.

'However this fear he has of being "shafted" by a woman is what scares me and my family.'

Good god, you'd think the man had announced he was off to join ISIS or a cult of some sort.

The process he's selected is quite involved, I'm sure it's not just 'got into his head' like that.

FFS, leave him alone! All you will do is alienate him.

My bets are that he is gay, but hell, with an over-bearing family like his, I wouldn't tell them, either.

fidel1ne · 15/01/2016 12:07

What on earth is a 'good quality' (assume that's what you meant) woman?

That's what I'm wondering too.

He only let my mum know early this morning. Mum is going to get dad to have man to man chat with him to try to get to the bottom of this. I suggested he try therapy to get over his issues. My sisters and me are having dinner with him tonight to see if we can get to the bottom of this new found desire to be a solo parent. Will post back soon. Have to go round to see mum who is distraught about the whole situation.

Do you think he thinks of families as rather smothering things, maybe?

expatinscotland · 15/01/2016 12:07

'What if he has a girl?'

The US offers gender selection of embryos.

fidel1ne · 15/01/2016 12:07

What on earth is a 'good quality' (assume that's what you meant) woman?

That's what I'm wondering too.

Do you think he thinks of families as rather smothering things, maybe?

PurpleDaisies · 15/01/2016 12:08

I meant good quality women in that of a similar education and career level who would make (IMO anyway) a good wife/mother.

This is such a crappy comment to make. Whar would happen if your brother brought home a "poor quality" woman without an equivalent education or career? Not nice at all.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 15/01/2016 12:10

As others have said, if this were your sister I'm sure you'd be singing a very different tune. Some people don't want a partner. Nothing wrong with that. Some people want to be single parents. Nothing wrong with that either.

However, him risking the long-term health and even life of a woman who is a complete stranger to him just so he can become a father is a deeply unpleasant prospect. He will basically be paying a woman to be an incubator for him - an entirely shitty thing to do. Has he considered adoption? And perhaps of a dog, rather than a child?

fidel1ne · 15/01/2016 12:11

I meant good quality women in that of a similar education and career level who would make (IMO anyway) a good wife/mother.

Gosh OP you either need to disguise your snobbery/snottiness more effectively OR sort out your atrocious spelling, grammar and evident neurosis so that the snobbery at least seems justifiable.

BarbarianMum · 15/01/2016 12:11

To be successful in the city it is typical to prioritise career over caring for ones children oneself. Men often tend to do this through marriage, and rich men in particular often have wives who stay at home or work part time and run the family end of things. If these relationships break down, then of course the main carer (wife) gets custody of the children and is entitled to a share of the assets and financial support, in recognition of their contribution to the man's career (bringing up his childrenand all). So I'm sure you're db has seen men lose money and custody of their children through divorce (although why he thinks it is unfair I'm not sure). There are ways of protecting the assets you bring to a marriage if that's bothering him.

WildeWoman · 15/01/2016 12:12

he sounds very controlling. i'd say that is his issue.

antimatter · 15/01/2016 12:13

What if he has twins, both girls, with some health problems and they aren't in the same league as he and his mates kids are? Will he cope with disable child if he has to give up work to look after him/her?

There are many unknowns with any pregnancy and he has to be able to be honest and respond to any questions you may have.

Whether he is going to be predict how he reacts to the actual situation then no one knows. That's why it's much better if he first understands his motivations to have Single parent family. After all women do it so why not him but he has to be very clear of his own motivations and possible consequences.

lorelei9 · 15/01/2016 12:13

Maybe he just wants a child without a partner....not the first time I've heard that tbh.

I assume he's got plenty of money for childcare for when he isn't available or plans a live in nanny? Just sounds like someone planning single parenthood which doesn't horrify me. I don't know if he would be accepted to adopt as a single parent.

WizardOfToss · 15/01/2016 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MackerelOfFact · 15/01/2016 12:14

It seems a lot to me like he is probably gay, too. The misogyny and weird attitudes towards women just sound like excuses to hide the fact he simply isn't attracted to women enough to sustain a relationship with one.

It's unusual for a man in his early 30s to want to be a single parent. Is he particularly paternal?

expatinscotland · 15/01/2016 12:15

'However, him risking the long-term health and even life of a woman who is a complete stranger to him just so he can become a father is a deeply unpleasant prospect. He will basically be paying a woman to be an incubator for him - an entirely shitty thing to do. Has he considered adoption? And perhaps of a dog, rather than a child?'

Wow, Sera. If my daughter had lived she might have had to use a surrogate and egg donor because she had cancer treatment. But according to judgmental people like you, people like her should 'just adopt' or get a fucking dog?! How fucking patronising and judgmental.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/01/2016 12:18

If your brother has seen lots of his male friends and colleagues have relationships/marriages that have fallen apart, and who have ended up as 'weekend dads', Dunkin, then I can understand why he has developed such a cynical attitude about love, marriage and parenthood. What we see most of, around us, does influence our views and opinions.

I grew up in a stable family, and I didn't know anyone whose parents had divorced, and, as an adult, I know a lot of people in happy, long-term relationships - so I tend to believe that more relationships will work out than will fall apart. I have no statistical basis for this - it is based on my experiences.

I think it is very sad that your brother feels this way about all women/all relationships - because, when a relationship works out, it is life-enhancing and positive. I think avoiding a whole area of relationships, because of fear, is very sad too, and I would echo those posters who have said perhaps your brother needs some counselling to help him address these issues.

Even if, after counselling, he still decided he didn't ever want a long-term relationship, and wanted to go ahead and have a child via surrogacy, adoption or whatever, I honestly think the counselling would still be incredibly valuable, because it would help him parent the child better. At the moment, he runs the risk of passing on his opinions and fears about relationships to that child and, whilst it is entirely up to him, what he thinks and does about relationships, it would be his duty as a parent to give his child a healthy attitude towards friendships and relationships - something I think he would struggle to do now.

expatinscotland · 15/01/2016 12:20

Maybe he doesn't want or need counselling because he's using this charade as a front for being gay.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 15/01/2016 12:20

I don't think you should try to persuade him of anything. It's his life.

If you feel the need to talk about his decision then probably the best thing you can do is be honest about what it is like to be a parent.

Like a PP, I think he sounds controlling. I also think he may have absorbed a value system where he can buy what he wants including a child without any of the messy emotions or unpredictability of relationships. What he seems to be missing is that his DC will have their own emotions and may not react how he wants them to . . .it's not an easier relationship than the one you have with a partner. From the very little you have posted here,he sounds a bit deluded about what having a DC is like. But I assume he will buy in help to assist him with raising his DC.

Original poster

Dunkin · 15/01/2016 12:22

Ladies, I didn't mean to cause any offence in relation to who I think would a "good quality" partner for him. Apologies to anyone I p'd off unintentionally.

As far as being paternal, all the children in our immediate and extended family class him as their favourite uncle . He is really kind and has a big heart.

He said he would get a live in nanny. He already has a live in housekeeper.

OK, will post back later on today. I've literally got one foot out the door.

OP posts:

fidel1ne · 15/01/2016 12:23

he sounds very controlling. i'd say that is his issue.

Given the combination of city career and a completely overbearing family that holds multiple phone calls and summits to discuss 'The Problem' within hours of his announcement, I'm not surprised.

cleaty · 15/01/2016 12:23

expatinscotland - Having cancer does not justify using poor women to get what you want.

molyholy · 15/01/2016 12:28

He is not a feminist if he thinks most of the women in the world are out to 'get' him

Why would he need a live in nanny and live in housekeeper if he is retiring?

Is he Mr Banks?

lorelei9 · 15/01/2016 12:30

Moly, if I had the money for a housekeeper, I'd have one. Retired or not!

molyholy · 15/01/2016 12:32

True haha - me too

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