AIBU to feel sorry for my brother?

[Dunkin]

I've been reading mumsnet for a while so I thought I'd take the plunge and join your little online community!

I want to start off regarding my younger brother. He's a well educated, good looking and fit guy (I'm hardly going to say anything to the contrary! Lol). Anyway, he has informed my mum that he intends to go to the states soon and have children via a surrogate.

The whole thing makes me feel sad. He has no problems attracting good qualify women around his age (32) that could hopefully lead on to more in terms of starting a family but he is adamant that he wants to have children this way. He has severe trust issues around women that I don't understand. There has never been any infidelity or abuse in our family. Parents happily married for over 40 years. Me and my two other sisters are happily married with kids also. He has never been cheated on either.

He brings women to family gatherings all the time who seem all doughy eyed about him but he dumps them after a few months. He's never been in a LTR. loads of women mind you, but never anything serious. The surrogacy news has come as a shock to our family - we all think it has to do with him making the decision to retire (he's been very very successful working in finance at a young age).

I did manage to speak to him earlier this morning. He seems to be hung up on how a woman will take all his money and turn him in to a weekend dad - stories planted in his head by divorced older colleagues and friends who have been cheated on in marriage.

So my question is how do I get him to take step back and help him get over his fears about women? How do I get him to understand that women that mess you about are in the minority. Am I wrong to feel that a child needs a mother in his/her life as well as a father? Thanks in advance.

So a gay man can't be a bully or be violent? .Ok

Do you know how homophobic that kind of "thinking" is OP?

Generally surrogates who are not poor, are tiny in number, or are doing it for someone they love. I have read a lot of research on this. The women who are not doing it for money, tend to be devout Christians in the US who are doing it for God.

My brother WAS a school bully and loved fighting. However, once he started year 10 he calmed down and stopped all of that behaviour. He ended up getting the best GCSE and A-level results at his school.

I sent him a link to this thread. His response has been to post it straight to his Facebook page with the heading: "So my sister and her new mumsnet friends think I'm gay because I want to have a child via a surrogate instead of putting my emotional and financial wellbeing on the line by committing to a woman who could theoretically change her mind 20 years down the line because society and the laws in this country enable her".

I think I'm going to leave him to it for now. Thanks guys.

Load of bollox

Link us to Facebook page?

He really doesn't sound capable of thinking of anyone other than himself. Poor kid.

He doesn't sound like he likes women very much. He probably shouldnt be with one anyway.

I can't imagine he has many female Facebook friends who'd look at that status and think "yes, this man is a real catch" if that's what he thinks of women.

That was brave of you, Dunkin. Pity he isn't able to take your replies in the spirit in which they were (mostly) intended.

And ... ouch! "a woman who could theoretically change her mind 20 years down the line because society and the laws in this country enable her".

I can't help feeling a man who thinks this - women shouldn't be enabled to quit marriages that don't work for them - is doing them all a favour by steering clear!

As a PP said, he may have correctly evaluated himself. Good luck to him and all who cross his path.

I want to have a child via a surrogate instead of putting my emotional and financial wellbeing on the line by committing to a woman who could theoretically change her mind 20 years down the line because society and the laws in this country enable her

Oh, he is such a catch.

Form an orderly queue behind me, my fellow vipers.

Not.

Can't for a moment understand why his relationships have never lasted

He sounds swell.

"woman could theoretically change her mind 20 years down the line because society and the laws would enable her."

20 years down the line? Ultra weirdo. And, he knows very well he can protect his assets with a prenup if he's so paranoid about 20 years from now. That us just bizarre.

I've never met a real bona fide woman hater before but I'd guess this is what he'd be like. Whoa!

Still think he's gay. His hatred of women is a coping mechanism, blaming them for his confusion, revulsion, and the pain of self denial.

Mainly though, he doesn't come across as a fatherly type, in either temperament or inclination. Rather, he seems bent on proving a point.

He thinks divorce should be outlawed?

Nobody is that thick, barring religious nuts.

I know it's bad form and I often go against the grain ( still think it's ridiculous to say he's gay ), but this is playing out like a drama and the DB seems to have no redeeming qualities, and OP is hitting so many MN buzzwords to think he is awful.

I think this is some weird agenda trill

Troll*

With attitudes like that, he's not likely to get a woman to sleep with him because she WANTS to... He's probably have to pay anyway.

What a revolting bloke! I pity any child who has their life blighted by having him as a parent.

IMO the brother is either delusional (feminist, my arse) or imaginary.

I want to have a child via a surrogate instead of putting my emotional and financial wellbeing on the line by committing to a woman who could theoretically change her mind 20 years down the line because society and the laws in this country enable her
He actually put that on Facebook?

Does that mean the brother and all his friends are reading this thread now? [waves to brother and friends]

What do you [brother] think of all this business then?

2 scenarios Purple

Either there will be a flurry of defriending now they know how utterly vile he is

Or birds of a feather.. At least they'll keep each other company and hopefully the rest of us won't need to interact with such tragically deluded people.

YANBU - i feel incredibly sorry for your brother. So much success, so much money, so much intelligence and yet he has nothing. No concept of the beauty and power of love, of the sheer joy that comes with taking the risk of joining your life with another's. He is soul dead and the tragedy he has no concept of how pitied he will be for his fb statement whatever his mates say to his face.
His hatred of women seems to be driving him - not his desire to be a parent. He should have some counselling - hopefully with someone able to lead him to some shred of true self awareness.

Would he compensate the surrogate mother or her family if as a result of the pregnancy she ended up disabled, seriously ill or dead as a result of carrying a baby for him? Or would that be all her contractual risk? Is the self-centred twerp only interested in protecting his own finances and ensuring his life is risk free?

What will he do to protect himself from his own children running away from him in 20 years, when they can no longer bear his obsessive, controlling personality? I presume he thinks he'll be able to trap them by promising not to give them any of his money, since he appears to think money is the only thing in life of any value. All he has done is swap physical bullying for financial bullying - he is still being the same nasty little boy who wants to flex his little muscles to show others he can get what he wants when he wants it and sod the rest of the world. I fail to see what getting good exam results has to do with giving up on being a bully.

So my sister and her new mumsnet friends

We aren't her new mumsnet friends are we? Please say we're not.

No. We don't know each other. It's better that way - we don't have to worry about falling out in 20 years.