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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel sorry for my brother?

383 replies

Dunkin · 15/01/2016 11:36

I've been reading mumsnet for a while so I thought I'd take the plunge and join your little online community!

I want to start off regarding my younger brother. He's a well educated, good looking and fit guy (I'm hardly going to say anything to the contrary! Lol). Anyway, he has informed my mum that he intends to go to the states soon and have children via a surrogate.

The whole thing makes me feel sad. He has no problems attracting good qualify women around his age (32) that could hopefully lead on to more in terms of starting a family but he is adamant that he wants to have children this way. He has severe trust issues around women that I don't understand. There has never been any infidelity or abuse in our family. Parents happily married for over 40 years. Me and my two other sisters are happily married with kids also. He has never been cheated on either.

He brings women to family gatherings all the time who seem all doughy eyed about him but he dumps them after a few months. He's never been in a LTR. loads of women mind you, but never anything serious. The surrogacy news has come as a shock to our family - we all think it has to do with him making the decision to retire (he's been very very successful working in finance at a young age).

I did manage to speak to him earlier this morning. He seems to be hung up on how a woman will take all his money and turn him in to a weekend dad - stories planted in his head by divorced older colleagues and friends who have been cheated on in marriage.

So my question is how do I get him to take step back and help him get over his fears about women? How do I get him to understand that women that mess you about are in the minority. Am I wrong to feel that a child needs a mother in his/her life as well as a father? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
GarlicBake · 16/01/2016 02:21

Dunkin - can't speak for the others, but I'm in one of my disordered sleep phases! Can't think straight enough to do anything useful, but dipping in & out of MN keeps me occupied Wink

Sleep well!

LittleBeautyBelle · 16/01/2016 02:31

His mates were in the room with him while he was having sex? They were there, with permission to watch? Did the women leave after a bit, encouraged to leave early, leaving the guys to themselves?

Fighting with the boys in school, especially older boys, kind of like looking for wrestling opportunities with like-minded fellows?

Making homophobic remarks can often mean the subject is on someone's mind a lot and to hide their true nature.

You said to use our imaginations. lol!!! I'm sorry, OP, but it does seem to me that he's gay, very gay. Your brother wanting to go through this long drawn out process to get a child but not the mother; his never, ever having a longterm relationship with a woman even though he's dated many, presumably at least several were attractive, intelligent, and caring. His sudden desire for a longterm relationship with a child by surrogate is weird and seemingly out of character, his excuse doesn't ring true, all of which has nudged you into looking for advice on here and your father's intuitive action of wanting to speak to him alone for a heart to heart talk.

Maybe he does have an overwhelming desire to have a child just because he suddenly wants to be a dad, tied down with a little baby, but I don't think so. He sounds still in the throes of partying. His constant dating but no relationships, and his sexual exploits have been attended by his mates?

Atenco · 16/01/2016 03:30

Making homophobic remarks can often mean the subject is on someone's mind a lot and to hide their true nature

It is really none of my business whether your brother is gay or not, however, all my most homophobic friends eventually came out as gay.

sciaticasucks · 16/01/2016 03:35

Ah you're just playing with us now OP...nobody is this naive surely?
With every update your DB is sounding more and more likely to be gay.

Your reasons for the case to be otherwise are bizarre and you must have had one helluva shock when George Michael came out.

Wagglebees · 16/01/2016 03:58

This just in....bullies can be gay...new flash over.

BringMeTea · 16/01/2016 04:22

Damn you Fatima you got there first with the Cristiano Ronaldo comment. Grin

fidel1ne · 16/01/2016 04:39

Meh. 5/10?

I've seen worse efforts TBH. 2/10 for sustaining it, though.

GarlicBake · 16/01/2016 04:45

If you doubt an OP report it. This thread's getting peppered with trollhunter posts.

BringMeTea · 16/01/2016 04:48

Agree Fideline. Reminds me of the 'my (single) boyfriend's wife just knocked on my door looking for her dog' thread. Smile That thread had more laughs though.

fidel1ne · 16/01/2016 05:06

Ah yes, that thread even had a walk on part for Graham Norton Smile

Cerseirys · 16/01/2016 05:57

My brother was a bully in school, picking on year 10, 11 boys when he was in year 7. He use to go school to school fighting other wannabe hardnuts until he settled down around 16. So I know he isn't gay. He's prone to making homophobic remarks as well.

Yeah, because that doesn't sound like a deeply closeted man who's desperately fighting his homosexuality Hmm

roundaboutthetown · 16/01/2016 07:29

And you think this materialistic bully of a brother who likes to have sex in public with women he dislikes for being gold diggers is a good catch and a feminist? Now I've heard it all! He sounds repellent. I would add paranoid cocaine addict to gay, tbh!

roundaboutthetown · 16/01/2016 07:32

Bullying people and being particularly homophobic is not uncommon in people who are frightened by their own feelings and unable to accept them. The more scared you are to appear gay, the more macho you try to be...

Soooosie · 16/01/2016 07:50

People often mean the opposite. So making homophobic comments could be a result of feeling defensive about his hidden sexuality.

Maybe he likes both men and women? Maybe the girls he's bought home have been flirty accommodating friends more then anything

Also the locker room bravado you witnessed sounds like men trying to out do each other more then anything else. It must be really hard to 'come out' when in a very competitive aggressively male environment. He's probably spun lots of stories to cover his back.

He wants to opt out of his work environment because he wants a change. He hasn't met a female he likes enough to have children with because he prefers men.

In your shoes I'd talk to him and mention that if he's gay he has your 100% support. You just want him to be happy.

LittleLionMansMummy · 16/01/2016 08:15

Well, if he's not gay then he's a materialistic woman-hating bully. Personally I'd much rather have a gay brother. Either way it kind of explains why he's still single.

I notice that you refer to your db as well educated, attractive and fit. Are aesthetics important in your family op? What are his unseen qualities?

PurpleDaisies · 16/01/2016 08:30

My brother was a bully in school, picking on year 10, 11 boys when he was in year 7. He use to go school to school fighting other wannabe hardnuts until he settled down around 16. So I know he isn't gay. He's prone to making homophobic remarks as well.

You can't make assumptions like that. Even in this day and age it is hard to come out and some people deliberately try to buck the stereotype of being gay (feminine and camp) so no one knows. And it isn't as if gay men can't be bullies. I wouldn't have leapt to the conclusion he was gay from your posts but just because he doesn't fit your picture of what a gay man is supposed to look like it doesn't mean he isn't.

Soooosie · 16/01/2016 08:41

Well, if he's not gay then he's a materialistic woman-hating bully. Personally I'd much rather have a gay brother. Either way it kind of explains why he's still single

^^ yes true.

Soooosie · 16/01/2016 08:44

He sounds very mixed up emotionally at present. There must be underplaying issues. No one is a bully without reason.

Holidayornot · 16/01/2016 08:50

If he exists then he's gross

Badlittlesis · 16/01/2016 08:59

Gay.

And hating it. Feels he has to hide it. ExBF worked in same area. Since they've all retired/moved to other work areas 2 of a friend group of 6 have come out.

They were the 2 I refused to socialise with due to their very clear and frequent disturbing comments about women/slags & gay men/ poofers.

Just saying.

Hissy · 16/01/2016 09:04

Your mother is distraught? Really? And you're all going to "talk sense into him". No wonder he doesn't want a conventional family, you all sound way too involved .

He has some screwed up views of relationships and family, and if worry what issues he'd inflict on a child though.

One comment I would like to challenge though is that someone said this:

Did he ever look after a small child on his own?

Erm... That's sexist. You'd never ask a woman thinking of having a child this.

I never looked after a small child before I had my ds. His dad was hands off, so I've been a single parent longer than I've been a single parent iykwim.

Leelu6 · 16/01/2016 09:08

My brother was a bully in school, picking on year 10, 11 boys when he was in year 7. He use to go school to school fighting other wannabe hardnuts until he settled down around 16. So I know he isn't gay. He's prone to making homophobic remarks as well.

You sound a bit proud that your brother was pickung on boys older than him.

And gay people can be just as vicious as straight people.

HamaTime · 16/01/2016 09:08

He sounds like a tool and you sound like a meddler. I don't think you should bother getting him to 'get over his fears about women' if the intention is to foist him on some girlfriend. He clearly wants to be single and, luckily for everyone, he is.

Not sure how 'self declared feminist' falls in with misogynous, bullying, homophobe diving into the surrogacy market for fear that women who aren't paid to have his child but merely sacrifice their own time and earning potential will shaft him when he fails to maintain a LTR.

JerryFerry · 16/01/2016 09:22

He's gay and he can't be open because you and the rest of the family are screamingly homophobic.

Jeez he's moving continent to get some privacy.

OP you come across as very naive and in determined denial. Lots of gay men hang with "quality women".

GissASquizz · 16/01/2016 09:23

Blatant place marking.

I'm not even sorry.