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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my dh to mind the baby while I make a bottle during the night?!?!

253 replies

Fuzzyduck21 · 15/01/2016 01:51

Ds is 4 months and wakes crying twice a night for a bottle. He's in a cot next to us. Whole bottle making process takes up to 5 mins if I also wee. Aibu to ask dh to try and comfort him while I make the bottle?! He seems to think so as he gets up for work at 5am. I've just taken ds downstairs to lie under a play gym while I make the bottle as dh has been making such a fuss recently but ds gets very upset and I thought it's kinder to ds to at least try and be comforted... Wonder whether your dh does the same?!

OP posts:
MrsWhirling · 15/01/2016 01:54

My DH never helped with either of my babies when they woke in the night, and stil doesn't, even if he's not working. Massively selfish.

whattodowiththepoo · 15/01/2016 02:05

He has to be up in 3 hours and you are on mumsnet.
Think YABU but he should do his share, just not when he has to be up in 3 hours for work.

Original poster
Fuzzyduck21 · 15/01/2016 02:07

I'm on mumsnet while feeding my baby...

OP posts:
RonniePickering · 15/01/2016 02:07

No, my DP would occasionally go downstairs and make a bottle himself or he would feed the baby when I brought the bottle up, and he was up for work at 7:00.

I would feel bad that he didn't get a proper nights sleep when he had work the next day, but it's part and parcel of having a baby.

ohtheholidays · 15/01/2016 02:08

Of course YANBU.My DH was really good,I'd feed the baby(breastfeeding so that bit was always down to me)and then DH would take the baby(he'd tell me to go back to sleep) and he'd wind her and change her nappy and get her back to sleep.

He'd be doing 12 hour shits as well,when he was on nights I'd be up when he got in at 7 in the morning.We'd sit and have a chat and a cuppa together for 10 minutes and then he'd send me back to bed,he'd get our 4 oldest DC all they're breakfast,he'd get them all ready for school and he'd change the baby's nappy and clothes and then he'd wake me up at 8.20-8.30 and I'd feed the baby,he'd give the children all a kiss and a cuddle I'd take them to school and he'd got to bed for a few hours.

When he was doing day shifts,he'd help out with bath and bed time for all 5DC once he'd got home and we'd all had dinner together and then he'd help out in the night with the baby.

Original poster
Fuzzyduck21 · 15/01/2016 02:18

Thanks ladies - it's interesting to see what goes on in other people's houses! Wow ohtheholidays - sounds brilliant!

Just to clarify, I'm always the one who gives the bottle at night during the week so am only asking him to be awake for 5 mins to try and soothe baby while he's waiting.

OP posts:
RonniePickering · 15/01/2016 02:20

Well I don't think that's too much to ask at all.

ohtheholidays · 15/01/2016 02:24

He is.Completely different from my first husband who refused to do anything for his children and would have called watching his own children babysitting.

5 minutes is nothing and surely if he watched the baby for those 5 minutes your Lo wouldn't get distressed and it would be easier and quicker to settle him after his bottle.

gobbynorthernbird · 15/01/2016 02:38

holidays how does your DH get time for all that and 12 hour shits?

SushiAndTheBanshees · 15/01/2016 02:38

I'm of the view that if you're up you may as well do it all, no point both of you getting up. All the more so if he has to get up to work and you don't.

This could be because once I wake up, even for 5 mins, it takes me ages to get back to sleep. Not worth it for 5 mins. Apart from the wee, you should be able to do it all yourself: comforting, getting bottle ready, feeding, burping etc.

Different rules at the weekend though. You should definitely get at least one lie in, and if baby's formula fed, one completely wake-free night.

Sternin · 15/01/2016 03:04

^ The thought of comforting a screaming baby while simaltaneously spooning formula into a bottle is making my mind boggle. Kindly share the secret so I'm prepared for the next baby. Grin

OP, YANBU. Yes, it's not ideal to have your sleep interrupted, even for a few minutes, but as someone upthread said, it's part and parcel of having a baby. I try to do the bulk of the night work with DD but my husband will always wake up to comfort her if he can, such as if I need to fetch a drink or medicine for her.

BoxofSnails · 15/01/2016 03:24

I used to take the bottle with just the water in (sterilised/boiled) and the powder separately up to bed. Add one to the other and shake while baby starts to stir. Toilet once he's fed and settled. I too take hours to get back to sleep and might as well do it all myself.

JeanSeberg · 15/01/2016 03:39

There's plenty of other times he can help out. YABU.

Sairelou · 15/01/2016 03:45

YANBU. Surely he would prefer to listen to a comforted baby rather than a screaming one? I don't know anyone who can sleep through a baby's screaming!

Needtobebetter · 15/01/2016 03:50

I suppose it depends, with DS1 I just did it myself and he'd have to cry while he was waiting for his bottle. But then he'd cry whether DH was comforting him or if I was holding him whilst making the bottle so it didn't make a difference to him.

I expect DH to help with DS 2 because if he screams and wakes DS1 then none of us would be getting back to sleep! I can see why it annoys you but I'd leave DH to sleep, there's no point in you both being awake.

SushiAndTheBanshees · 15/01/2016 04:01

I've not known any babies who go from asleep to screaming in less than the time it takes to scoop some formula into a bottle of boiled and cooled water and screw the top on. Very easy to hold baby against you body and soothe it while shaking the bottle. A bit of preparedness (and dare I say it, readiness not to make a drama of things) can go a long way!

Also agree that there are plenty of other ways and times he can help, especially if he doesn't get up in the night like you do. I don't see the point of both parents getting rubbish sleep if it can be avoided.

Fugghetaboutit · 15/01/2016 04:04

Buy a perfect prep machine and put next to your bed :)

Writerwannabe83 · 15/01/2016 04:34

What an insight.

When DS was a baby my husband got up with me at every night feed despite the fact he was working. DS was breast fed and whenever he woke for an overnight feed DH would get out of bed, change DS's nappy and then hand him to me for feeding. It wouldn't have even occurred to him to leave everything to me.

YANBU.

Perhaps to help speed up the process you could have a bottle of pre-prepared cooled boiled water in the fridge, which you can add to the freshly boiled water to get it to a drinkable temperature much quicker? For example, if you're making a 4oz bottle you could put 2.5oz of boiled water in the bottle and then 1.5oz of the pre-cooled water and mix before adding the formula. This should hopefully ensure the water is hot enough to sterilise the powder but means it's a lot closer to safe drinking temperature.

Soooosie · 15/01/2016 04:43

Can't he make the bottle while you sooth baby.

Or you could alternate the feeds so you do the first one (plus soothing), he does the second (plus soothing), you do the third (plus soothing)

Why is his need for sleep more important them yours?

Writerwannabe83 · 15/01/2016 04:50

Exactly soosie - my DH used to say that it was his baby too and we were in this together.

WinterBabyof89 · 15/01/2016 04:55

Could you maybe refine your bottle making process to speed it up, therefore reducing the need for additional help?

I'm all for sharing the workload of raising children, but I really only ask DH for help at night when he's off the next day, or if there is a poo explosion/projectile sick..

I make up DS's bottle first with a small amount of hot water and add the powder so that it kills any nasties, and then top it up with cooled boiled water from a flask - brilliant for nights! It'd be ready almost instantly if my DS2 wasn't on thickened milk. DS is changed whilst it thickens and it's all done in ten mins. I'm quite prepared and have everything I need on his change mat so that I'm awake for the least amount of time possible!

So I think YABU , but it's not the worst thing in the world so if you need that extra support he should give it to you

madwomanbackintheattic · 15/01/2016 04:57

Good lord, what a bunch of martyrs.

You do one bottle, he can do the other. He doesn't require tits and it's his baby too.

I have no idea why women think they deserve some sort of medal for turning themselves into domestic doormats. Next thing you know they'll be infantilising the husband and tittering with other half wits about how useless the menfolk are with the baba. With some sort of misplaced pride.

Be careful what you wish for, truly.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. A swift elbow in the kidneys works a treat for getting them to wake up and do their share.

lborgia · 15/01/2016 04:59

If he's up for work at 5am then presumably he goes to bed at a reasonable time? If he's trying to stay up til 11pm and then go to work at 5am then it's not going to work.

Going to work early is not a pass for not getting involved.

For a few months DH and I went to bed earlier, and then he got involved in one or two feeds and it made a huge difference.

Unless he does an 14/16 hour shift I'm not sure that I'd add a sleepless few weeks to the bag, but if he's still doing 8/10 hours he can surely help for one or two of them?

"All part of having a baby". Yes, and they've both had the baby, so they can both share a bit of everything. Although this could quickly plunge into arguing over mothers having a chance to kip during the day so maybe ignore me on that one.

LalaLyra · 15/01/2016 05:00

Have you seen the bottle making machines you can get? It avoids the dilemma of not following the current rules, but cuts the time it takes. Might be an option.

I don't think your husband is being too unreasonable - if I'm awake for 5 minutes it'll take me ages to get back to sleep so if he's the same and he's up at 5am for work it's not very fair, assuming he's doing his share at other times.

My DH (when he wasn't working away) did the 11.30pm feed, I went to bed before that and then I did the silly o'clock feed because he was up early for work and I wasn't. He has/had a long drive to work so I'd rather he wasn't shattered whilst driving it.

lborgia · 15/01/2016 05:02

Forget what I wrote, madwoman wrote what I was actually thinking Grin

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