To ask my dh to mind the baby while I make a bottle during the night?!?!

[Fuzzyduck21]

Ds is 4 months and wakes crying twice a night for a bottle. He's in a cot next to us. Whole bottle making process takes up to 5 mins if I also wee. Aibu to ask dh to try and comfort him while I make the bottle?! He seems to think so as he gets up for work at 5am. I've just taken ds downstairs to lie under a play gym while I make the bottle as dh has been making such a fuss recently but ds gets very upset and I thought it's kinder to ds to at least try and be comforted... Wonder whether your dh does the same?!

Bakingaddict More husbands/wives should recognise when their partner is struggling and step up accordingly. Isn't it wrong that my first instinct was to think how amazing your dh is, but actually he was just being a decent human being and looking out for his family.
Also it isn;t as if you are asking for it to be set in stone - just take the strain for a few weeks, that can really make a huge difference. I agree with pp, no amount of daytime napping or taking the dc for a few hours at the weekend can replace the benefits of having 6 hours unbroken sleep at night.

I really don't understand the whole dh works so needs sleep thing.
Everyone needs sleep to stop going insane,

miserablesod That sounds exhausting and unsustainable. Does your P feel genuinely bad that you are having to do so much? Has he suggested ways in which he can help more?

I remember the health visitor coming over and suggesting to dp he could be doing Friday and Saturday nights and a night in the week, he was most offended because it meant he wouldn't get a lie in on his "days off"

Of course everyone needs sleep but when I was at home with my baby I could cope on considerably less than when I was at work. I think that's the point people are making.

But that is you and your baby Grays It really shouldn't be that much of a stretch to the imagination that other people (especially new parents) may have different experiences to you.

I really don't understand the whole dh works so needs sleep thing.
Everyone needs sleep to stop going insane

It's not insane. I was a SAHM and DH worked FT. He had a 90 minute motorway commute that began at 7.15am. He had to then work til 5.30 and drive back in the dark.

It made much more sense if I got up in the night and let him sleep. I didn't have to be anywhere apart from at home, in pyjamas if I wanted. Our DS woke anything from every 40 minutes to every three hours. It just makes no sense to keep two adults up all night and then expect one to do a long stressy commute on no sleep. I could grab catnaps in the day and catch up without causing a pile up or making stupid mistakes at work.

No the point is Grays that decent parents and partners recognize when the primary carer is knackered and step-in without fuss to allow them some rest or at least help out if assistance is requested. If you haven't got that in a relationship regardless of who is working/SAHM or on ML then you've got a shit relationship with a selfish wanker imo.

Exactly bakingaddict It is surprisingly simple for decent human beings isn't it? You help out those who are struggling. When you struggle others help you out. It isn't rocket science. It is just basic kindness.

miserablesod. That's awful. If you're both working, the night shift should be shared.

Op has said she can't sleep when the baby sleeps. I do sympathise op. My dd3 needed to be fed to sleep and would often wake when I moved her from my breast to the moses basket. Dh couldn't do night feeds but tbh I know he would have been the same if bottle feeding. His attitude was that he needed his sleep as he had a responsible job and long commute. He even used to get cross if he woke whilst I was feeding her so I would often be downstairs for hours at a time. Eventually I moved into spare room with dd (at his suggestion) so he could sleep but it destroyed much of my respect for him.
He alos did very ittle in the home too.
hope you sort it op.

My Dh was very helpful during weekends and paternity leave. He'd cheerfully deal with polonaise and bring me food and drink whilst I was feeding. He did loads when he could, but he was on a motorway for 3 hours a day. I did not expect him to stay up all night with me. Each to their own though. The early months as e hard for everyone.

Polonaise should read poonamis

I always did night feeds (bf) but DH helped if there was a disaster (major puke/poo explosion) or if DD just refused to settle for hours. So basically he went to sleep at 10ish, often in the spare room (I preferred it this way as I didn't feel bad about watching TV during night feeds to stay awake), and if DD hadn't settled by midnight, all bets were off and he got up and helped.

Even with me taking the majority of the burden, DHs work definitely suffered. He had an informal warning from his boss re achieving his targets (he has never had an issue before or since). I have a pretty stressful job now, and I find it almost impossible to do it well (or at all tbh!) If I haven't had a decent sleep, so I'm a bit about all these jobs that you can do when sleep deprived. Surely in most jobs its not good enough just to be present, you have to achieve things too!

I think the key issue is knowing you have got support from your OH if you need it. I was more than happy for DH to have a good sleep, but I also needed to know that he wouldn't hesitate to help when I called.

bare then perhaps the poster I was replying to needs to bear that in mind too?

Me and my DP worked shifts. When I was in work the next day and he wasn't he would do all the night feeds. When he was in work the next day and I wasn't I would do all the night feeds.

Staying at home with a baby you get to sit down. You can get a nap in. You can rest your body. Yeah it's still tough but you don't need to be on your A Game.

In some jobs however you do. If I fuck up someone can die. So no, it's not selfish to let my DP get on with it on his night because I simply cannot afford to be knackered driving to work, and working a 12-14 (more often than not longer) shift looking after patients. Neither can he when he is working. So we came to our understanding.

And that's why I replied to the original posting 'I don't understand why people say they need sleep because they're working'. People seem to have a lack of perspective sometimes. It's not hard to imagine that some roles rely on clarity and concentration

I think every couple has to find what works for them.

I always thought I'd expect my DH to be up for every feed with me, and while he was on PL he did, especially while I was still sore from surgery. But once he was back at work, in a responsible job, driving long distances, there seemed little point in both of us waking up for every feed. Indeed if he had done I would have been very worried especially when he was driving long distances on broken sleep and the potential consequences of that.

Although I was, of course, tired, at least I didn't have to drive much and could organise my days to be quiet and low key. Even if I never managed to actually sleep during the day, just lying down and resting with eyes closed is restorative.

The best tip someone gave me was to go to bed very early, which was hard at first as I'm a natural night owl. But a few early nights at 8.00 ish when baby usually did his longest stretch made a massive difference.

To compensate, DH did (and continues to) get up at 7.00 both weekend days while I have long lie ins, until 9.30! I'm more than happy with the arrangements

Exactly every couple finds what works because our situations are all so different. I just take offense at the claims that the partner who doesn't have to wake up is selfish, a wanker an a shit partner

It is selfish to let a person never have a night off from night feeds when you can see the other person is visibly tired. In your most recent post Grays you're now indicating that you and your partner have a sharing system. My ire is directed at the men who never give their partner a chance to get a unbroken nights sleep. If you share night feeds so you can both function the next day then that's something I don't have an issue with

I wouldn't want my DH getting up in the night to soothe/watch baby when he has to get up for work. He drives to work (45min commute) so he needs to be alert and well-rested. He has to be on the ball at work whereas I spend my days attending baby groups and classes so it doesn't matter if I'm half-awake! And I don't drive.

He helps on Fri and Sat nights (not with feeds but with burping baby or soothing him back to sleep).

I think it's unfair to wake your partner up when he has to face a full day at work on little sleep.

I'm not saying looking after baby isn't work- I'm on mat leave and its the hardest 'job' I've ever had- but it doesn't require you to function at a high level or meet deadlines or cope with time pressure or manage a team. You just focus on caring for the baby as best you can.

This does not apply to the OP but if you breastfeed there seems little point in waking your DH. Sometimes DH will take the baby because he does not smell of milk so is less interesting to a fussy baby.

I find the fact that some women say, "If I asked he'd help...." Surely a decent husband/partner and father wouldn't need to be asked if he could see his partner was tired and struggling?

My DH was absolutely fantastic, as I said he'd get up every time DS woke, change his nappy and then pass him to me for feeding. If it was a weekday night then DH would then go back to sleep but if it was a weekend night (Friday and Saturday) he would stay awake with me for however long it took to feed and re-settle DS (EBF) even if it took an hour as he said it was our baby and we were in it together. Every weekend morning he would take DS and let me have a lie in and even though DS is almost two my DH still does this.

When I was on Maternity, and during the first 3-4 months when I felt permanently exhausted my DH would come home from work, cook dinner for us both and then send me up to bed for two hours or so (before I next has to feed DS) and then he'd tidy up the kitchen.

Having a baby is a partnership and my DH would never ever have even considered leaving all the overnight activity to me just because he had work the next day. He was tired and I was tired but it definitely wasn't a case of my DH deserving more sleep just because he was working and I wasn't.

YADNBU OP, I promise you that as one of two mums.

I can't believe what women let their male partners get away with.

When DP and I had DD, I was initially breastfeeding / recovering, so she did all the housework and she was working. Then as things worked out I was the one who went back to work full time and DP does more child care than me.

I've done full time childcare and I'm now back at work full time so we've "swapped" a bit. I've done both.

Anybody who has a male partner who thinks he's entitled to a night's sleep because he's at work in the day - bollocks.

I do the night shift because DP does the unending, unrelenting baby-care in the day. She sings, entertains, nappy changes, cooks with a toddler clinging to her ankles, feeds said toddler, sings, entertains, repeat. Forever.

By the time I get home it's just in time to cuddle, bath the baby and put her to bed. So I get the adorable bits after DP has spent the day doing the hard stuff.

I get up at night because I can have as many cups of hot coffee in the day as I like. I can go for a walk by myself for a few minutes whenever I like. I can sleep on the tube. I can have a Facebook break for ten minutes. I can go to the gym in my lunch hour. So if I have four night wakings I suck it up. She's my daughter too.

And quite frankly the number of men at work who think they're bloody heroes because they play with their babies at weekends, while letting their wives do ALL OF THE WORK from Monday to Friday, day and night, no break, they can fuck off.

/gavel

^And when I say if I have four night wakings, that's what we have every night. Ours doesn't sleep! Women, your husbands won't melt if they do as much work as you do.

If he is assuming you should do everything every night, HIBU.

If you think you should both be awake for the same feed, YABU.

Context is important here.
When DC were small (not first fortnight tiny but DH back in work) I would solely do night feeds and generally go downstairs or to spare room so that I could put TV on and not wake up Dh

After I was back to work it was fair game and we would take it in turns