To not get why strangers can't leave my child alone

[sellisx]

In the supermarket today, my little boy was having a tantrum, I usually laugh and walk off but at least four people tried to coax him back to me. Two people picked him up then complained they got hurt because he threw himself backwards.
WHY don't they leave him be!!!
In a cafe one time,I left him at the table while I went to get napkins, by the time I came back somebody was feeding him chips "because he was making noise" what if he had an allergy?

Pipistrella, does it occur to you that OP may know what works best with her child better than you do?

I used to work on the basis of ignoring tantrums, my children seem to have grown up very well-adjusted and unscarred by the experience of not being "respected" whilst having them. Had I just stood there with them I suspect it would have massively increased the length and frequency of tantrums as they would (a) have been upset by my lack of reaction and (b) have known that it was at least a way of keeping me focussed on them.

Yup, if you can't get out of there & they aren't strapped in a buggy to make continuing what you have to possible do it's pretty difficult!

Well feck it then, I was only trying to help. As you were.

Oh but this

I would create a rod in back if I stood beside him at each tantrum

OP - no, you probably wouldn't. Just something to consider. Sorry if I have been completely unhelpful to you.

Ah thank you Mrs D. I really appreciate that.

Op is right, I do walk off whilst keeping an eye, it usually works. Trying to reason with a tantruming preschooler, is impossible. People should just leave op to parent her child!

OP i did/do the same thing. Don't worry. Dd is 6 now so while they aren't as often she can still be a nightmare when she goes.

I would regularly walk a little distance and if possible sit on a bench.

The laughing for me was a coping mechanism, because if I didn't laugh I would of burst into tears. Especially if it was the 3rd or 4th strop of the day.

As for people getting involved just politely (as you can under the circumstances) tell them that you'd appreciate it if they would leave your DC alone.

Op, if your child is having that many tantrums a day and is, as you put it, mute then maybe he is genuinely struggling in some way and getting frustrated. It's one thing walking away, quite another smirking whilst your child is visibly upset.
It's normal for toddlers to tantrum sometimes, but not as often as you say. Something is up and you need to find out what and fix it.

I agree with pip on this one.

"HV suggests speaking to him like that but it's so babyish, and when he is screaming so loudly you can barely hear yourself think let alone try and talk."

But.....he is a baby.... You say he is mute which is probably why he tantrums. He wants to tell you something and can't. Saying to him " You're cross because all your crisps are gone, aren't you? I understand." may actually help because you are voicing the things he wants you to know. You're showing that even though he can't communicate that you understand his problem.

If he still doesn't calm down say to him "I know you're angry and that's okay. I'm going to give you time to calm down now and let out those big feelings out. Come to me when you're ready to be calm" and walk away and wait.

When you're a toddler your emotions are HUGE and you don't necessarily know what they are. Giving them names is vital. We teach our DC names for everything else they encounter - cars, trees, dogs, elephants - why not emotions?

There must be something conscience or subconscience that you OP are doing that is triggering other people to act on your behalf.

Has his hearing been checked? I presume you're on top of all that if he seriously isn't speaking.

YANBU. Walking off is a tried and tested technique for nipping a tantrum in the bud.
In that situation, picking up someone elses child is weird, interfering and controlling. I'm happy to assist other parents in public, but mainly do so at arms length. By watching out for their kids, mostly. I get a lot of smiles and the odd 'thank you' so assume I'm not being too in your face.

When I was a kid it was normal to leave your kid outside the shop in their pram. Today someone would call Social Services on you.

No it hasn't been checked, HV isn't concerned but I am but everyone justsays oh he is a baby he is fine. He barely says da
I smirk because that's how I cope with it. It's not easy having everyone turn and stare with that look asif to say 'oh here we go again' I wish people just wouldn't look! Probably shouldn't have posted this because I just feel worse than I'm not comforting my son enough
People probably act on my behalf because they see I'm a shite mother

I don't think you're a shite mother. The fact you have posted about this says you care about your boy.

You sound like you are under huge stress with very little support and an unhelpful HV, I'd be asking your GP for a referral for your little boy, as it sounds like there could be hearing issues.

Cant believe you haven't got anywhere with this, that's shocking, it could explain an awful lot about why he has these tempers.

So sorry you are going through this

and I don't man shocked at you. I mean shocked that your concerns have been ignored.

That's really crap.

*mean

Op- your last post is all about your own emotions. As parents, we have to put our dc's emotional need first. Whatever your feelings are, you need to be in charge of them and be there for your ds. Your son is unhappy and you need to meet his emotional needs, not the other way round. I suspect people are stepping in before they feel sorry for him.

With your dh unwell, do you have a support network? Is there anyone who gives you a break sometimes.

Oh, do me a favour, Lucy

How dare she talk about how stressful she's finding this? How selfish!

OP, my nephew is nearly 3 and hardly talks. He's massive compared to other kids his age though, so has put a lot of effort into growing physically rather than verbally.

Our feelings and those of our babies are very intertwined. It's perfectly alright to talk about her feelings on here, for goodness sake, where else can we do that.

Often it helps us to detach from the situation a bit and not take it all out on our kids.

OP - being the parent of a child who is kicking off is a very lonely and difficult situation to be in. You have all my sympathy.

Good point Mrs D about speech and language therapy being important to ask about - are you able to see your GP with your little one? They might take you more seriously than your HV.

HVs are a proper mixed bag, some are ace, some are definitely not