To not get why strangers can't leave my child alone

[sellisx]

In the supermarket today, my little boy was having a tantrum, I usually laugh and walk off but at least four people tried to coax him back to me. Two people picked him up then complained they got hurt because he threw himself backwards.
WHY don't they leave him be!!!
In a cafe one time,I left him at the table while I went to get napkins, by the time I came back somebody was feeding him chips "because he was making noise" what if he had an allergy?

When I say laughing, I mean like hah c'mon now laughing, it's worked before to get him out of his tantrum. In actual fact my health visitor said it was fine to do as long as he doesn't start to think tantrums are funny

Wow some people are really unpleasant

I mean a commenter above not the OP

Good god, there are some thoroughly unpleasant people on this thread amongst some really helpful and supportive advice. You can see the op is down and vulnerable, please could you leave this thread, unless you can offer support to her!

Op that sounds really hard for you love.

Sure he will grow out of this, nearly all do, haven't read the whole thread but could you access HV advice.

Ignore spiteful comments. We are all getting by here. Some posters are just nasty. Xx

OP your way of dealing with things has been honed from day to day experience of your child.
Don't let anyone in RL or on here say it's not good enough. Nothing you do will cause harm.
There are too many out there who think they are somehow 'better' because they judge you. That makes them idiots.

If you are concerned in any way don't let the hv dismiss you, go to the GP. A hearing test would include or exclude things.

Just try being a little bit more assertive, Op. I'm useless at it for me but I can summon up mama bear or the kids.

I don't see the point in engaging with a tantrum, and I never do. I completely ignore the tantrum which is not the same as ignoring the child.

I've never ever experienced ignoring a tantrum as being ineffective (by me or others). I've seen plenty of examples of the parent ignoring the child being ineffective and/or making the situation worse.

Walking off and leaving a child alone isn't something you would 'generally' do with a toddler in a normal situation - that's ignoring the child, not the tantrum, which is unlikely to work IME.

As I said hours ago, Janet Lansbury has written and published some fantastic articles on toddlers and tantrums. Should help you OP.

Maybe it's useful to look at some of the broader issues.

There's a lot of parents whose children have tantrums and a lot of articles about the subject. A lot of the articles seem to focus on children between 2 and 4 who experience this kind of emotional meltdown.

The OP's child is younger 19 months. So some of the techniques that may be appropriate to a child who is twice that age, may not help - or may even hinder - someone who isn't 2 yet.

Then there's the background stuff. It sounds like the child's father is in hospital and is not at all well. If the child had been used to living with their Dad and/or seeing them lots, then the child is going to be distressed by their father's absence/disappearance. They won't understand much about illness or hospitals or getting better. It's all very scary.

The poster has said that she is experiencing depression. It's not clear what help she is getting from the NHS for this. But it sounds like her own mother is not able to help at all, and is positively hindering matters. Plus of course her partner is ill. It'svery tough trying to take sole care of a child, when nobody is taking proper care of you.

It is quite possible that the child senses his mother is unhappy, his Dad has gone off somewhere and that his grandmother is not being loving towards him. In these circumstances it's not surprising that he's sad and angry.

So maybe it's not just about the immediate strategies of dealing with tantrums, but also about trying to access support for the whole family - which may help to make a child feel happier and more secure - so the meltdowns are less severe and less frequent.

Have you tried just comforting him- if he's only one then I'm sure with persistence you'd be successful. If that takes 20 minutes then so be it, if you have to leave the supermarket then do so. You say he has a corner at home, if his speech is not good and he's only 1 why does he stay there?

People who don't agree with the op's method are not being 'mean', 'nasty'- she's a grown woman, the general public are bound to be more worried about a distressed one year old. I think people are trying to point out why that might be the case. I think it's a poor decision you made but that's not a character assassination and everyone makes bad decisions. Of course other people think you have it spot on. I'm struggling to see why one party is wrong and the other right.

I completely ignore the tantrum which is not the same as ignoring the child.
I agree with this completely. There will not be a Mother on this thread who holds out on the affection front when the child is calming down and ready to re engage.
Some people paint a picture of a cold parent pointing and laughing, or running for the door.

I felt compelled to reply as I think that you've been given a hard time.

I have 3 kids all well past toddler stage. All 3 of them behaved totally differently.

My oldest was a bolter and would go nuts in a supermarket. I think he was super sensitive to shop lighting so I could never do more than a dash for forgotten items at Tesco Express. He was a very late talker and coupled with the light thing was a nightmare.

My second behaved like a textbook toddler. You could crouch down, talk to her then 5 minutes later both be fine. She was a very early talker (speaking sentences at 12 months) which must have helped.

My youngest never went through toddler tantrums.

I didn't do anything different. It's personality. Some people will say it's because they are superior parents but it's luck.

The rules for tantrums (including teen ones)

• never threaten a punishment that you can't/won't carry out.

• move the toddler if they are in a dangerous place. (Ds1 often had to be carried from the middle of the road)

• shouting is pointless. Make eye contact with toddlers and talk so that they listen. Sometimes whispering works because they quieten down to hear what you have to say. For teens, driving is great. My teen son really opens up when he doesn't have to speak face to face.

• Fuck other people. They don't know the back story of who your child is and why they are tantrumming. Discipline is necessary to help them become good human beings who can cope in the real world. Children have to learn how to cope with their emotions and 19 months is the right age to be furious that he's run out of crisps. Other people just want an end to the tears and shouting.

-most importantly, (and difficult) remain the one in control. No swearing, shouting, physical violence.

It sounds like you are doing your best.

Pressed send too soon.

Some people have you laughing like a cartoon villain miles away from your child.

Three trolleys length away smiling has me imagining a more embarrassed, awkward grimace.

Toddlers are tough. Please realise a lot of looks you get are sympathy. I'm grateful to have survived and so will many others.

OP I hope your OH is doing better. Sounds like you've had a tough time lately. Read your other post thoroughly. I know MN is a great support network most of the time and you are feeling a bit low at the mo but can't help thinking convos like this are bound to just make your feel more pants! Hope things start looking up soon x

Me too. I had a lot of personal problems I won't bore you with when mine were small. It didn't make me feel the best parent because I was not at my best.

I often felt those who offered little sympathy were like that because their circumstances were better and had a support network that enabled them to be better parents and made for an easier life. They genuinely couldn't put themselves in anyone else's shoes

Ended woman good post :)

*Enderwoman