To not get why strangers can't leave my child alone

[sellisx]

In the supermarket today, my little boy was having a tantrum, I usually laugh and walk off but at least four people tried to coax him back to me. Two people picked him up then complained they got hurt because he threw himself backwards.
WHY don't they leave him be!!!
In a cafe one time,I left him at the table while I went to get napkins, by the time I came back somebody was feeding him chips "because he was making noise" what if he had an allergy?

[Pipistrella]

He's a toddler and this is relatively normal; he's just doing what they do best. It's nothing to be embarrassed about honestly.

I'm not judging. I'm trying very hard to help as I've been there too and found a way that worked for us at least

Under the arm is great when you have to just GO

I don't have an issue with that, but you can't do it very easily with a trolley.

And under the arm doesn't involve walking away without your child.

[lostInTheWash]

if a child is having a tantrum, don't leave them. Stay there. Wait till they stop. Don't look at other people, concentrate on your child. Just be calm and wait, don't make a show of 'winning' or having the upper hand.

I found once you have to be on time to pick other children up - as they get upset if you are late - having all time in the world goes out the window. Even waiting with walking child means one in pushchair can get upset as you aren't moving - so you end up with two screaming children.

I have picked up toddler and walked with them and pushed pushchair with other child in - but only works short distances - wasn't always possible when pg.

The are other techniques - distraction, waiting it out, bribery as one off and must get through this situations, very firm voice depending how into tantrum they were - but continuing walking away while looking back and encouraging them to come along with is it a valid one IMO.

One of mine was actually better less hovering that was done - hovering escalated things - more interaction worse it would get. Walk short distance away but keep her in sight and it was if it being her decision to follow meant she was then fine. Different one of ours and walking away escalate things stubbornness would kick in and nothing would move her.

[Pipistrella]

My waiting suggestion assumes you have the time to wait, but if you don't, then as I said, if it's safe to then lift and shift. You can continue the argument elsewhere

[Pipistrella]

It is clearly very hard to lift up a thrashing child though.

[Sunnybitch]

I understand that but op has said that this way works for her and is mostly effective if people would not interfere so each to their own...

[EnthusiasmDisturbed]

I've laughed when ds has had a tantrum at times if I didn't I would have burst into tears

And at times I have walked on slightly ahead or he has ran off and strangers have felt sorry for the sad little boy but most get it they have been there

Good parenting no not really just a parent who is fed up and tired cba to be the best parent they can possibly be at that point in time

No one apart from on mn parents perfectly all the time

I get quite upset when I see young children upset and at times I have forgotten how draining it can be. I was told a few times how to parent I didn't take it to heart I am ok with my parenting and I accept at times I do not always get it right and I could have done things differently

[bloodyteenagers]

Ahh the tantrumming stage.
Had people saying ooh, kneel down, quietly talk to him, reassure him.. All of that was a red flag to a bull.. 45 minutes minimum of a tantrum. Try and pick him up, you would be lucky to not have him pinch, punch, kick, bite and head butt you.

Hated interferes who assumed they knew him better than me. Who would come and interfere and talk to him.. Which would make him worse. After all I was a neglectful mum who stood a bit of a distance away and ignore him.. Left on our own like that 10 minutes.

And yes one idiot did try and pick him up. I told the person not to. But what do I know. He just needed a cuddle from someone who cared. Within seconds he'd booted her, head butted her and sank his teeth into her.

And yes. To the person who asked. You can have an allergy to chips. Although rare some are allergic to potato. Then of course you don't know what else has been cooked in that oil or what oil has been used.

[ricketytickety]

I picked up a little girl who fell over next to me the other day - she'd landed in some mud. I only did it because her mum was quite far behind and I couldn't let her lie in the mud until she arrived.

People wouldn't interfere unless they were concerned for the child. I reckon they must have thought he'd fallen over and you weren't mum as you were smiling and further away. That's no judgement on how you handled the situation, that's honestly what I think they must have thought.

I have no advice on the tantrum front, just that one day he'll be able to communicate what's frustrating him better and he'll grow out of it. Hope your dh gets better soon.

[PastaLaFeasta]

Don't worry OP, loads of parents do this and I had a child like this, at least one mega tantrum a day - lasted over an hour plus smaller ones. We were told to ignore but be near by when advised by the HV. She's five and much better but very lively so it will get easier. Thankfully my youngest is much calmer now I have a really bad back (had surgery so a proper disabling bad back) so picking her up isn't an option. I sometimes drag her along if needed, I can't nuture her out of a tantrum when on the school run or I'll be in trouble for being late. I do remember a ridiculous tantrum about wanting the pink slippers, not red, in the supermarket. It was a proper throwing herself on the floor type screaming fit. I'm sure I laughed partly out of embarrassment. Yes I also explained but I just stood nearby and mostly ignored it. It's also better for your mental health to give yourself a bit of space to cool off. Trying to calm a tantruming child can make them worse. This was the case for mine and ignoring did calmer her quicker.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

And yes one idiot did try and pick him up. I told the person not to. But what do I know. He just needed a cuddle from someone who cared. Within seconds he'd booted her, head butted her and sank his teeth into her.

I laughed at that. But I'm mean.

[shazzarooney99]

Pipistrella, good lord!!! she has a different parenting technique, one which a lot of people use, you dont need to keep harping on and on and on.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

People wouldn't interfere unless they were concerned for the child.

Oh man, sorry, but that's total crap! People interfere all the time:

• to make a point
  
• to prove they can parent better than you
  
• because they think you're not reacting "the right way"
  
• because they think they cure all ills
  

Then if you object they get sniffy and dress it up as "concern for the child". Like they know how to parent your child better than you.

[ricketytickety]

Also, not all dc tantrum. My dd genuinely didn't have a single one. She got annoyed a few times and tired but never had a full on tantrum. So some people just haven't experienced it and might not understand what is going on. My baby, however, is already showing signs of being a bit more feisty so I reckon I'll be the mum with an apoplectic child in the aisles next year and yours will have grown out of it!

[KurriKurri]

You know what - sometimes walking away a little bit is the right thing to do, sometimes talking quietly is the right thing, sometimes stuffing them under your arm and making a quick exit is the right thing. Toddlers are little people and like big people they differ in what works

Toddlers do similar things but they aren't all the same person. And what works at sometimes doesn't work at others. Lets take a radical, totally out there approach here and think 'hey OP is this child Mum, he has a lot of tantrums because he's tantrum age, she's got her method worked out for her child, maybe she knows him best because she's his mother.'

So maybe a bit less of the sanctimonious crap about what worked with your different child, and a bit of fellow feeling for mothers of a tantrumming child.

OP - I can pretty much guarantee that whatever you had chosen to do some stranger would have "known best" and interfered, If you'd tried to lift him up you'd have been told to leave him be. Trust your own judgement it sounds fine to me.

Let the judgy panters sort out their own wedgies.

Sorry to hear your DP is so poorly - that's v.tough for you

[MadamCroquette]

I used to (and still sometimes do) stand and wait, maybe a short distance away but in sight, and try to stay calm. Or grab onto them if we're somewhere unsafe and there's a risk of bolting.

I hate people interfering. I have had people say "don't worry mine were like that" or "Oh it happens to us all" and that's kind and supportive. But not people telling me how to handle it, telling me to slap them , or worst of all, trying to cheer up my child by giving them sweets! Oh yes that's a great idea, thanks!

Even worse, we live in an area with a lot of elderly people, who often do this, an 9 times out of 10 it's a large, rock hard boiled sweet. So you have to grab it out of your toddler's hand before they choke themselves into the bargain.

Gah.

[RabbitSaysWoof]

I used to ignore tantrums too. When other people get involved it tips fuel on it.
If you stop the world and stand fixed on him it's not going to be better than if he see's you browsing a shelf as you say only 3 trolly lengths away and it's going to keep you stuck in the shop longer to just stand there. Is there a possibility you could get him back in the buggy for his tanty? and just bare the noise but get your jobs done quicker? Boredom is a far more common trigger when you're running errands or shopping than spontaneous hunger and tiredness, I used to fucking hate the people who suggest food as a solution for a boring situation, that just starts a whole other problem and yes a snack probably would occupy a bored kid, but really is that the best reason to start face stuffing?
People looking in on other peoples toddlers ABU and need better hobbies, especially picking them up, I would be to witness that. It doesn't matter how old you look, your child is your child and no one has the right to enforce their idea of good parenting onto your child.
If you have situations that are common kick offs for him, you could try pre-empting before the kick off, like telling him your shopping list, asking him to carry stuff, look for stuff, starting conversations to keep him occupied, but in response to a kick off that's already started that probably wouldn't work distractions better before the event, getting the hell out of there is the best cure when it happens!!

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

The people 'interfering' usually have good intentions. Most have experienced toddler tantrums and are trying to help. It would be a shame if everyone ignored your child. If he was lost and upset you would be thanking well intentioned people for interfering /helping.
Having said that, handling a toddler is v. stressful. An elderly couple in Tescos informed me I needed Supernanny

[PastaLaFeasta]

I've had a women interfere with my child, touching her, when I was right next to her so it was obvious I was caring for her. People can be like this and it's naive to think they only do it because they think the child is alone. But people can also be lovely and helpful - usually with reassuring words rather than univited manhandling of a child.

[fitzbilly]

Have you tried asking him what's wrong? Or sympathising? "Oh, it is frustrating when you finish all your crisps isn't it, is that why you're sad?" and then distracting him?

What does he want out of his tantrums? Why is he doing them so often? Try to get to the bottom of his frustrations. It might help.

[ricketytickety]

Sure, but sometimes people are genuinely trying to help but get it wrong.

[shazzarooney99]

This reminds me of not so long back when my son had a meltdown in Sainsburys and some idiot man decided to shout across the aisles to tell my son to shut up and that he was phoning the police! my son went into 100% meltdown mode it was horrendous, i had one lady who said i will watch your trolley while you sort your son out and another lady who was tyring to help but she was cornering him so he wouldnt leg it but unfortunately she was making things a hell of a lot worst for me because he then started shouting and screaming for this lady to go away.

[sellisx]

Fitzbilly I wish I knew, but I have a completely mute toddler. He has many tantrums, sometimes up to 14 a day. I would create a rod in back if I stood beside him at each tantrum. HV suggests speaking to him like that but it's so babyish, and when he is screaming so loudly you can barely hear yourself think let alone try and talk.
And yes the reason I smirk/laugh is because I would burst into tears

[RabbitSaysWoof]

What does he want out of his tantrums? Why is he doing them so often?
Because he is 19 months old and that is a perfectly normal thing to do often at that age.

[MoMoTy]

You can't really blame other people. All they saw was a mother smirking and walking away and felt like someone needed to comfort the child.